Black Jesus
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
| —Dark Overlord to GOP [1] |
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Barack Jesus (/b'rɑːk jee:zuhs/) or Barack "Barry" Obama is the 43rd and 3/5th official president of the Jewnited States of Americunts as well as President of the World and the 2nd official manifestation of God's flesh and blood on Earth. Because he is the second manifestation of Jesus, he is also widely known as teh greatest IRL troll alive. Obama owes George W. Bush a session of oral sex due the fact if W hadn't fucked up so badly, the country would never have elected an unknown black man with no experience and a muslim name.
This epic win for the moar lurkers of teh Internets (not to be confused with the NORP infested tubes of the Internet) came after an entirely tl;dr harblfest from 2006 to 2008 and dubbed Survivor: Murka, a reality TV election contest where he outwitted, outpwnt and outlived the rivals from both his own Democratic party, the GOP and a pipe and pole smoking faggot on YouTube who claimed he sold Obama crack and gave him a hummer in the back of a Hummer.
Most of all however, Obamunists and butthurt Republicunt bawfags can thank a brave civil rights pioneer named George Dubya Bush who spent 8 long years tirelessly campaigning on behalf of the junior Senator from the most politically corrupt state in the Union and laying the groundwork for an elitist, abortion-loving, black Moslem with no birth certificate and his anti-American, political simpleton , wife to get elected in the world's most racist country. No mean feat given that Obama came packing a Socialist agenda of "personal responsibility", "shared sacrifice", and "hard work" to a people perfectly happy with their time-tested value system of being lazy, fat, greedy cheats, and who couldn't care less about the next guy.
For all of us, we know he won because Bush told everyone that weapons of mass destruction were going to crash into our country because we had pissed off the minuscule super terrorist group scattered around the middle east. We all know McCain would have started another war with Iran, so it was best we had a man who could knock out ten husseins with his huge black cock.
Little known fact: Monsieur Jesus Noir won the election because he knew how to work the internets and McCain did not. He lauched a storm of web propaganda proving both that he is a cool cat with the latest IPhone apps and that there are niggas on the internet. He also spent many hours on xbox live playing Guitar Hero with his gamertag, Baroque Obama, to attract the youth of America. He did not mention whether this web advertising tidal wave included 4chan, so it probably did.
Iniggeration Day
On January 20th, 2009, Barack made history by coming the first negrito president not to get assassinated at his inauguration, much to the dismay of bookmakers and two million assorted punters gathered in DC who had money riding on a headshot (although it wouldn't have mattered because he was wearing a bulletproof suit). He also made history by not really becoming president until the following day's do-over after the oath of office having been accidentally trolled by W's boy Chief Justice John Roberts of the Supreme Court during the official swearing-in.
Taking full advantage of this glitch in the Matrix, BJ spent the evening hitting a handful of inaugural balls in search of Lewinskys from starstruck leftard white wimmins without fear of impeachment.
Meanwhile, ex-president Bush and his Dark Lord Darth Cheney were dispatched from office and sent packing for exile in Texas and Tatooine to a chorus of "Booooo"s (and cheers from the MSNBC media tent) after receiving a severe tongue-lashing from the incoming n00b, who condemned everything BushCo. had done for America over its 8 years in power.
Black historians noted that America came a way vis-a-vis race relations because had Obama been the Commander In Chief that turned the country into a laughing stock with an 8 year legacy of EPIC FAIL at home and abroad, the mob would have been two million angry crackers with torches and nooses and his final destination would have been hanging from a tree in the National Mall on the end of a rope. Some people are enticed however by this prospect taking place in the next four years of even moar epic fail. What will a bankrupted cracker mob do to Nobel Peace Prize Winrar Black Jesus when his Chamberlaine-like policies result in an mushroom cloud upon The New York Times building?
First 100 Days
BHO didn't waste any time delivering on the change he had promised to bring to Washington. Within two weeks he had alienated both the right with his orders to close Gitmo and allow 9/11 bombers to become part of Wreckonomics and the left with many of his cabinet appointments, his vow to continue extraordinary renditions (because WE DO NOT TORTURE! we just send them places that do) and get the troops on the first flight home from Iraq (with a two year lay-over in Afghanistan).
He angered most of the people who voted for him by announcing he would sell China the parts of America they don't already own and give the billions to the Jewish who helped Armenians bring the global economy to its knees by providing them unlimited amounts of credit to go with their food stamps and welfare.
He spent a great deal of time trying to pass a stimulus package that would provide substantial investment for alternative energy, causing great butthurt to climate-change deniers & economically-sound Republicans who knew it for what it truly was (and still is): big-government spending that will usher in a new era of socialism in America. Obama tried persuading the American sheeple by spinning it as vital for national security and economic recovery before going into the usual tree-hugging BS. This was passed by the Senate and will work as follows:
- Create 5 million new shitty green collar jobs.
- Introduce a carbon cap-and-trade system.
- Increase investment in solar, wind & gas energy.
- ?????
- PROFIT!
However, much to the delight of Paultards everywhere, Ron Paul has spoken out against this package saying it will turn this economic recession into a depression. Lo and behold, the Nigga in Chief's fantastic plan to unaccidentaly the economy has been a $700,000,000,000 FAIL
Accomplishments
| Black Jesus is literally about to become The Final Boss of the Internet. |
The old media basically just sucks his cock all day, every day and only few have the balls to tell us the tr00th about what's really going on in Washington. We know one thing for sure: Black Jesus Hussein Obama has failed at everything except not failing.
- He passed a trillion-dollar "federal relief" package that is essentially based on the extremely fail theory trickle-down-economics. Obama allegedly gave all trillion dollars equally to different states to create jobs, but the only indication of this is the fact that there is now construction on every major and minor highway in America.
- He failed at closing Gitmo because of lack of funding then everyone freaked out and stopped talking about it when the old media finally caught wind about sekrit briefings the leaders of Congress had about what happens at Gitmo.
- Lol'd openly at the prospect of legalizing marijuana or amending existing laws that send people to prison for years and labels them felons.
- Supported Bush administration's view on the treasonous Valerie Plame scandal.
He is currently trying to Socialize the healthcare system, which is going over really well with Republicunts.
ZOMG Nobel Prize
In a record-breaking display of "the soft racism of lowered expectations", the Nobel committee has awarded the mulatto messiah for “his extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples.”. Keep in mind he was nominated for this just two weeks after he won the election from cardiac-arrest-prone patriotic war veteran John "Bagged Popcorn" McCain. The Huffington Post ran a story (now baleeted) that said he won not for "doing", but for "being". This makes perfect sense as the /b Scandinavians awarded him for making them believe in Jesus once again.
| —Erick Erickson, of RedState.com forgetting about Mandela, Coffee Anon and other Nigger Terrorists |
Obamunists
Tim Geithner
Tim Geithner was a Wall Street bigwig who is awesome at evading taxes and becoming Secretary of the Treasury. When Geithner was announced to be Black Jesus' pick for Treasury Secretary, Wall Street made it very clear that he had made the right choice. Geithner is best known for smoking a lot of pot, saying the word "fuck" all the time, skateboarding, tree-hugging and being a hipster.
Tim Geithner received a cumstorm when, during his confirmation hearings, it was discovered he owed $34,000 in late taxes. People told him to withdraw his name, but he was too high to understand them. But hey, what's an extra $34,000 between taxpayers and gov't officials?
| —Tim Geithner, giving a ringing endorsement. |
Geithner payed his back taxes and paid off Chris Dodd and Lindsey Graham and ended up as the Treasury secretary. When he isn't getting high with young folks at Morrissey concerts, he can be found ruining the American economy and having no fucking idea what he is doing. Refer to the South Park episode on the banks and bailouts. The Treasury chart is pretty much how they work irl, too. ;)
Rahm Emanuel
Main article: Rahm Emanuel
Rahm Emanuel is Obama's fucking insane Chief of Bullshit. His middle name is Israel and the only Jesus he believes in is Black. He only has one middle finger and he is known for sticking it so far up the ass of dissenters that he can tell them what they had for breakfast. Rahm is most notable for saying the word "fuck" on the Senate floor many times (much to the excitement of the CSPAN censors) and IRL trolling the Republican party, including sending a pollster a dead fish and stabbing papers with the names of Republicans on them. His closest friends are Karl Marx, Yasser Arafat and Meir Kahane.
| —Rahm Emanuel, on religion. |
| —Rahm Emanuel, on rape. |
Dr. Peter Orszag
IRL UNITINU Dr. Peter Orszag is a blogger who Black Jesus put in charge of the budget and finances for America. He, of course, is a Jew who likes the word "fuck." He also worked with Rahm Emanuel in the Clinton Administration. He is loved by neocons, Republicans and tr00 Americunts such as Lou Dobbs for his deep love for cock and his tendency to quote Toby Keith lyrics every chance he gets. He is also a notable eco terrorist, having authored an entire book on how to save the trees while growing our economy.
| —Dr. Peter Orszag, on liberalism. |
| —Dr. Peter Orszag, on Oprah's snatch. |
Jon Favreau
It is obvious to you by now that Black Jesus is partial to hipsters with an affinity for pot and partying hard. This has never been more apparent than in his barely legal speech writer, Jon Favreau. He is known for taking advantage of all the perks of working for the President, such as dating White House aides and interns as well as supermodels, living in a rich and gay part of town and spending all day in Starbucks Facebook-stalking and writing speeches. He is known for doing whatever the fuck he wants and for noone giving a shit about it. He also frequents high stakes XBox Live LAN parties at the State Department and is famous for owning them in Rock Band battles.
Rape Controversy
Back in 1990, in a small, quiet town near Harvard Law school, occurred the rape and subsequent murder of a young, white woman. After the police investigated the crime, they quickly narrowed the list of suspects down to two men. One was a blonde-haired, blue-eyed, Caucasian man who was an upstanding citizen. The other was a haft-breed Negro who engaged in unamerican activities. It didn't take long for the police to clear the good name of the first man. With overwhelming evidence they arrested Barrack Obama. Mysteriously, all the evidence disappeared and Obama was a free man. Now, years later, Obama is trying to frame an innocent man for his past crimes and people are asking: Why he doesn't take responsibility for what he has done?
Notable Quotations
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Media
Videos
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Pikshurs
| Galería del Jesús Negro | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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See Also
- Senator Obama
- White guilt
- Liberal guilt
- Leftard
- Joe Biden
- W
- Dips Tobacco Redneck
- Osama
- Muslim
- Socialism
- Olby
- Nigger
- Dave Chapelle
- Reverend X
External links
- Obama, the plastic crap edition!
- A conservative Michael Moore teaches us of the Obama conspiracy.
- The Assassination of Barrack Obama art gallery
- Angry Barry: The Video Game
- Buy your Obama dildo here
| Black Jesus is part of a series on Religion 
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Deities Prophesies Religious Holidays Religious Icons Fanclubs ArchVillians Key: * represents a Deity or Holiday of Trollianity.
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Black Jesus is part of a series of topics related to Black People. ☻ |
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