Manboobs
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Manboobs, also known as man-tits, moobs, man-puffs or gynecomastia, but never man breasts, is a physical condition among males in which the mammary glands grow to an abnormal size, similar to that of a female. The clinical name for a person diagnosed with gynecomastia is a moob-haver. If you haven't noticed by now, you are the only man you know with manboobs. While having moobs is commonly associated with being a fucking fatshit, it is actually due to female hormones within the male at birth that may develop at any point in time. In adolescent boys the condition is often a source of extreme lulz, but for many boys, particularly adolescents, it is not due to obesity, but rather because God didn't know if He wanted you to be a chic or a dude. Everyone's gotta be on the fence at some point, even God.
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How to find out if you have Gynecomastia
- Are you a man?
- Have you ever eaten bacon?
- Are you actually asking yourself these questions? (If you are, then you automatically have them.)
- Have you ever sat down at a computer long enough to write an entire forum, webpage, fanfiction or Encyclopedia Dramatica article?
- Have you ever gotten a nipple pinch that turned into an all-out grope on your pectoral muscles?
- Have you ever gotten a nipple pinch that lasted for more than the normal amount of time for a nipple pinch (1-3 seconds)
- Do you live in a place you'd consider...down to earth?
- Yes, you do indeed have bitch-tits.
- Do you enjoy enjoyable food?
- Can you lick your own nipple? (Even Gene Simmons)
- Have you ever played an MMORPG such as World of Warcraft or Everquest
- Can you do the truffle shuffle and/or Numa Numa dance exactly as it was made and intended?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, then yes, you have mantits by default. If you answered yes to all of these questions then there is no moar hope for you to not have fat-tits; Just keep doing the truffle shuffle.
Enjoying moobs
There is no known reason as to why manboobs exist, other than to provide excruciating amounts of lol to anyone who sees them barely being covered up by a spandex athletic top, everyday t-shirt, or hoodie. For maximum potential, find a moob-haver without a shirt on, then ridicule him relentlessly for changing out of his smelly-ass clothes into fresh threads and thinking that he was safe in the comfort of his own room or basement. 50 points if you bring a camera and aim it at the moob-haver, even if you don't actually turn the camera on. This will scare the Snorlax into complete and utter butthurt, at which point you can either escape so you will not be eaten alive, or stick around just to make sure you get all the footage you can, which you will be required by law to place on youtube.
If you confront a man who has puffs and does not care, but still attempt to ridicule him, you will have caused complete anti-lulz and will promptly be rejected from all dating websites and 4chan for your fail, assuming that the man does not simply eat you before you can get away. It is important to know one's grounds when dealing with a moob-haver, as their docile nature is usually a guise for an intense amount of physical strength, which will invariably explode in an array of POWAH! if you steal their food. The only two things that would save you at this point, is to say I did it for the lulz or Chuck Norris when convenient. (Note: The latter method is not suggested, as Chuck Norris requires a great deal of money to be bought off by you, puny human, but he may do it if begged politely and explained that all of this will be done for the lulz.)
Living With the Disease
It is possible but not recommended.
Moobs in stealth mode
Manboobs are most commonly covered up by multiple layers of clothing, similar to the way a neckbeard tries (but fails) to cover up a double-chin or no neck. Many moob-havers will wear up to 17 layers of clothing in the heat of summer, even when swimming or attempting to swim (see: Nigger). Contrary to popular belief, moobs will not act as a flotation device, as the moob-haver will generally be too fat to float anyway. Disregard that last sentence faggots reading this. Infact fat has a low density and aids flotation, whats stops chubby cunts floating is the mass of food and milkshakes they consume, which block up there fucking colon with masses of shit, which is what causes the bastards to sink. This effect is best cited by the fact that a Penguin, despite having wings, cannot fly, as its everything is too goddamn fat.
Despite it being 500 fucking degrees out, a juvenile moob-haver will still try to cling to the ghost of saying he has no moobs, or recognizing that he has moobs and not wanting to share them (Jew). A staple style of clothing for the moob-haver is having ample hooded sweatshirts, none of which will ever be given to a girl, and of course Hawaiian shirts, which have always been a great way to hide moobs as their silky style simply hangs down over the moobs, so it merely looks like you are either barrel-chested or simply fat, which many people believe is more desirable.
The sooner the moob-haver becomes comfortable with the fact that he has moobs, the sooner he can move onto more important things like phone sex and raep.
Moob-haver vs Woman
While most manboobs are undesirable, the fact that they exist means that some people should just suck it up and AHH C'MON! FUCK A GUY!. They are the reason that lesbians do not matter so much, because if everyone in the world were to instantaneously turn gay/lesbian, guys could still have tits and ass without the use of sex change operations or toys, whilst women would be forced to lie to themselves with those two options if they ever wanted to get a good, ol-fashioned dicking ever again.
Manboobs prove that men are genetically superior to women, as a woman is not capable of simply growing a dick unless she is an anime character, even if she begs her puny God for it. If she does grow a dick, she is no longer a woman, but simply nothing. On top of that, once a man learns to mature beyond his insecurities, he will care far less if someone touches his moobs, while women are constantly afraid that something might accidentally rub against their fun-pillows, even if that same something gave them a wedding ring 5 years prior to said tit-touch.
Steroids
If a person ever wants moobs for some God-awful reason but doesn't want to have to endure the trials and tribulations of enjoying delicious bacon, sports steroids will allow that person to develop breasts quickly. While steroids do make people have enormous power levels (Don't do it), they also make their irreconcilably small pen0rz even smaller, cause them to develop even moar acne than they had to begin with, and of course develop moobs. While this technique is effective if the person was only striving for moobs, POWAH! and AIDs, it will have the dreadful side effect of causing them to become among the society of oh exploitable, and receiving endless amounts of trolling will cause them to eventually retaliate by becoming an internet tough guy.
Noteworthy people with moobs
Many people in today's world have come to live with moobs and lead perfectly healthy, successful lives. However most of them only have feigned success, or they ate their financial attorney. Some of these people include...
- Numa Numa
- Wario
- Oprah Winfrey
- Jack Black
- Everybody except...
Not noteworthy people with moobs
- You
- His name was Robert Paulson
Manboobs of the world
Below are some links to mantits in the wild. Why anybody would be willing to look for this is beyond our comprehension, but we'll assume you're doing it for the lulz, because, hopefully, you don't have manbreasts.
- A black man. With bad teeth. Don't know what's worse?
- This might help you decide. Or vomit. Or fap, we really don't give a shit.
- Oddly, you don't have to be fat to have manboobs. Read the comments on this video.
