Legend of Zelda

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Not a problem, princess!

PROTIP: If you searched a tutorial for triforcing, here it is! .

FACT: Link hates Jews.

Link is an asshole.

Legend of Zelda is a video game by Nintendo in which you play as a gay elf kid dressed up in tight green underwear. Considered a masterpiece, this series has spawned an endless stream of old memes.

Characters

Link likes to fist his fans before each battle.

Link - Our valiant hero. Throughout the series, Link is surrounded by maidens, fairies, damsels in distress, female townsfolk, and he almost gets raped by a fish princess. Despite this, not once at any time in any game does he show any attraction towards any of the aforementioned women. The only sex that Link ever has in the series is with ReDeads, and most times that's completely non-consensual. Some argue that it's because Link is an upstanding moral figure, but really it's because Link hasn't met the right woman yet.

I feel a slight Tingle in my gaydar.

Tingle - Tingle is a 35-year old man who thinks that he is the reincarnation of a fairy. He believes that Link is his one TRUE and HONEST master. In one game, Tingle kidnaps a man who shipwrecks on Tingle Island, dresses him up as a gay, and has him do his dirty work for him. Being so cool, it was only a matter of time until he got his own spin-off games: Tingle's Balloon Fight DS and Freshly-Picked Tingle's Rosey Rupeeland.

...

Impa - Tits. Fat mammy titties. She's Zelda's babysitter. Tits.

Dark Link - He is the same fucking thing as Link, except evil. In one game, Link has a nightmare that HE is Dark Link, and that he wants to rape HIMSELF!

O rly?

Kaepora Gaebora - He is an owl who will never STFU. The developers obviously saw the lulzy potential in this, because after 4 years-worth of dialogue, the bird finally asks you if you understood everything. Naturally, by the time you get to this part, you aren't even paying attention to the fucking game and just mash the A button to skip it all. Well, it just so happens that the developers put "No" where "Yes" normally is, thus causing the owl to repeat his bullshit ALL OVER AGAIN. He also adds "HOO HOOT!" onto the end of everything he says.

Vaati is a bad enough dude to have wings on his penis.

Vaati - He is the pussy bad guy of the Four Sword games that looks like a bat. He used to be a midget, but now he is a bat. Oh, and he's also a one-eyed monster.

Legend of Zelda is also sauce of meme phrases

Old Man - He is an Engrish-speaking genius who saves Link's ass all the time by giving him cool shit and advice, like "DODGONO DISLIKES SMOKE" or "THERE ARE SECRETS WHERE FAIRIES DON'T LIVE." If you piss him off, he will shoot fireballs at you and pwn you.

Midna - SPOILERS MIDNA IS THE TWILIGHT PRINCESS OMFG!!!! Dumb nigger bitch that straddles onto Wolf Link and grabs shit with her hand-like hair. Uses Portals and magic to fuck herself and Link at the same time. Wears a helmet everywhere and constantly bitches about some "save the world" bullshit (obviously to instigate drama). Also turns into a tentacle monster at the end of the game and rapes Ganon.

The Happy Mask ~~Fetishist~~ Salesman, better known as Shigeru Miyamoto

Happy Mask Salesman - Shigeru Miyamoto's self-insertion character in the Zelda series. Has the power to wig the fuck out whilst speaking. He wants Link to fetch his mask back from a small angry Nigerian so that he can... you know, wear it, just for fun.

Games

Similar to Final Fantasy, every single Legend of Zelda game is the same but with better 8-bit graphics and better gameplay. In the beginning of each game, Link tugs one out while the princess inevitably becomes the sex slave of some stupid ass sand nigger pig. Having the Triforce of Wisdom, you'd think this bitch would have the sense to stay in the kitchen where she fucking belongs, but instead she decides to run into an open field and let pigfuck snatch her ass up in a crystal. This doesn't just happen in one exclusive title, but in EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM (with the exception of the srsly fucking strange ones). Thankfully, she has a small green retard with no dick come to her rescue every time.

Due to the nature of the plot similarity of many Zelda games, the plot of most can be efficiently determined using the following paragraph, conveniently filling in the blanks with the table. It is well known within Nintendo that using this old Mad Libs trick, one can easily write a whole new chapter of any Nintendo game!

In (1), (2); so Link must (3). He must collect three (4) to get the (5). However, (6). So Link must do moar work to collect (7). He then gets the (8) sword, which he uses to defeat (9). However, it did not end here, as he still had to (10).

1	Ocarina of Time	Twilight Princess	A Link to the Past	The Minish Cap	The Wind Waker	The Phantom Hourglass	Lots and Lots of Trains!
2	Ganondorf must be stopped	Zelda was kidnapped and the Twilight must be stopped	Zelda was kidnapped	Zelda got stoned	Aryll was kidnapped	Zelda's alter ego, Tetra, was kidnapped	There are trains
3	stop him	save her	save her	restore her	save her	save her	drive trains
4	Spiritual Stones	Fused Shadows	Medallions	Elements	Goddess's Pearls	Spirits	trains
5	Master Sword	Master Sword	Master Sword	Picori Blade	Master Sword	GPS navigation	train
6	this helps Ganondorf	Zant takes the Fused Shadows	Agahnim flees	there's another element	the blade is dull	Tetra's a rock	no trains
7	the Sages	the Mirror Shards	the Princesses	the Wind Element	two Sages	the Pure Metals	trains
8	same	Light	Golden	Four	sharp Master	Phantom	Train
9	Ganondorf	Zant	Ganon	Vaati	some puppets	Bellum	Trainondorf
10	beat Ganon	free Zelda and beat Ganondorf three times	listen to triangles	for real beat Vaati	beat Ganondorf	save Linebeck	drive moar trains

Note that in Twilight Princess, steps 5 and 6 occur in reverse order.

Fanboys

Just as with every other game series that was invented at least 100 years ago, there are a legion of fanboys who love discussing the game (and what Zelda, Link, and Midna would look like naked) while having a circle jerk.

Gannon-Banned

A minor GameFAQs meme originating from a guy taking Zelda way too seriously. He started a website detailing all of his "rules" for the Zelda fandom, and threatening anyone who transgressed with a GANNON-BAN. Note that the text at the top proclaiming it to be for the lulz is quite recent, and obviously a reaction to a severe case of butthurt. He also calls /b/ his army to invade Nintendo, which has an inherent flaw.

The Zelda Timeline is Serious Fucking Business!

Since the Zelda games are intentionally made out of chronological order, many fans of the series like to discuss their timeline theories. When these people try to "win" a debate, most of them yell, cuss, and analyze every detail of their story to avoid continuity errors and plotholes with other games, as the developers did when writing the games' stories, in order to prove their theory is correct, and all others are wrong.

Series Heads/Epic Win Trolls Shigeru Miyamoto and Eiji Aonuma Speak

Regarding the issue of the timeline, series heads Shigeru Miyamoto and Eiji Aonuma have both said that they have documents describing the the timeline in detail, but they are top secret and can never be viewed by ANYONE, EVAR!!! In order to mess with Zelda timeline theorists, these expert trolls purposely put contradicting evidence in each game, then sit back and watch the heated debates.

“	For every Zelda game we tell a new story, but we actually have an enormous document that explains how the game relates to the others, and bind them together. But to be honest, they are not that important to us. We care more about developing the game system... give the player new challenges for every chapter that is born.	„
—Shigeru Miyamoto, 2003, Zelda Series Creator/Troll

There Is No Spoon

A certain virgin by the name of ocarinahero10 wasted countless hours compiling a video on JewTube about his take on the timeline while furiously masturbating over Zelda figurines. He sent his video to Nintendo, and asked them what they thought about it. The reply from Nintendo crashed down upon him and every Timelinefag's world and shattered their dreams and years of dedication to this faggotry.

Gallery

It's Dangerous to Go Alone! View These!

Nintendo always delivers on time.

The epic final scene of Ocarina of Time.

It'll come in handy later.

Link as an infant in Philop's fucked up mind.	Link conquers Ganondorf in the only way he knows how.	Link in the now.	He's Link. Early prototype
Link when you told him you're not gay	Link's forgotten siblings	Concept art of Link. Srsly.	Hot.
Advertising the secret drag level.	The lame get lamer.	Fanart. Photoshop'd for realism.	Link and Midna escape using jet propulsion.
Midna IRL. No really, it is.	Link and Midna on their way to the next dungeon.	Legend of lesbian?	Michael Jackson guest starring as a zombie.
	Fangirls freak out when they find out there's a heavily pixillated scene of Link without his shirt on		The Skull Kid's(AKA Nigger Kid's)mask
Ganon can't triforce.