Left 4 Dead
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Left 4 Dead is a Counter-Strike mod designed by Marc Griffin that pits four minorities against a horde of infected humans that tend to Zerg rush them continuously, trying to rape these four survivors. The game is notable for its high re-playability and dynamically generated content, ensuring that no two playthroughs are ever the same. It's also an ideal FPS game for those chickenshits and 13 year old boys who cannot play against real live armed players for shit in Call of Duty 4 because they prefer easy and unarmed zombies instead of real people. 28 Days Later is often cited as an influence of Left 4 Dead, however, as 28 Days Later actually had a story and explanation for the outbreak of infection, the game can be considered nothing more than a fractional ripoff. Favorable critical reception and overwhelmingly positive reviews eventually gave way to a sequel.
UPDATE: Less than a year after its release, Valve decided to churn out more shit for you to dump your money into. Expect your two new character models (Which happen to be niggers) November 17th.
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Characters
At the heart of Left 4 Dead's deep storyline lie four main characters that the average player will find difficult not to relate to.
L4D
- Bill: 60-year old acid addict and former FOX member who believes he is a war veteran because he wore a uniform to his daughter's 13th birthday for a stripper act and forgot to take it off before he passed out, from his latest ecstasy rave. He's very well known for his catchphrase "This is going to hell in a handbasket REAL fast." Note: If you team-kill Bill, it is absolutely necessary to scream "WHAT HAPPENED TO BILL" as loud as you possibly can. He tries to be a big man by swearing a lot.
- Francis: Hardcore biker and Internet tough guy. He commonly goes on 4chan and spams all boards with the message "ima biker IRL!!!!11!!!!!111111oneelven1" Has an obvious thing for Bill, and openly longs to see him smear boomer vomit all over his body as evidenced by the opening movie. Hates FUCKING EVERYTHING.
- Louis: Touted by the developers as a representation of the every-day man trying to survive in a chaotic situation, but obviously thrown in at the last moment to fill their nigger quota. Playing as Louis results in frequently losing control of your character as your view switches to third-person while your avatar goes on a frantic hunt for all pills in the vicinity while blaring "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH. OH NO", spawning a horde twice as large as that of a car alarm's. Also, apparently thinks that finding a mini-uzi on a rooftop in the middle of a zombie apocolypse is reminiscent of Counter-Strike.
- Zoey: 16 year old girl added to include at least one pair of boobs that hasn't half-way decomposed. Adds an element of fantasy to the game, as she is able to take more than one hit of damage before collapsing into tears, and avoids rape while alone with three men who will undoubtedly never see pussy again. Also the most childish in the group; Says all the sexual innuendo. Players will spend most of their time making sure Zoey survives, in hope of getting some. Some argue she's even slept with Bill, Louis, Francis, and all the special infected (twice). The whiniest of the four. She usually cooks for all the men in between each level. This explains why the characters never get hungry.
- Chicago Ted: Meme commonly used on the Left 4 Dead Steam Forums. Originated from a small inscription on a saferoom wall that simply stated "No zombie is safe from Chicago Ted." All the info on Chicago Ted can be accessed on the Chicago Ted thread (probably dead at the moment) which is now at least 100 pages long. Not even Chair zombie can kill this hero.
L4D2
- Ellis: A mechanic with ADD who will ramble on about his pal Keith and never shuts the fuck up. He likes everything, including horses. He also looks a little like the Scout from TF2.
- Coach: Louis' fagfriend and has obviously caught the dangerous boomer disease and is slowly turning in to the first negro boomer. His first name is Uncle and his last name is Phil. He is obsessed with chocolate.
- Rochelle: A black chick who was once a news reporter and Twitter user. She is a fan of Depeche Mode and was created so there can be lesbian 34s that do not require the Witch. When you misfire and hit her, she bobs her head and goes "OH NO YOU DID-N'T!"Other than that,she's incredibly bland.
- Nick: A conman with a really expensive white suit. He went to Louisiana to gamble but turned out there were zombies.
- Virgil: A Cajun boat guy, non-playable.
It is also worth noting that none of the characters can do a pull up, a powerful design decision allowing fat nerds to more closely identify with them.
Zombie Bosses
- Boomer\Gabe Newell: Not actually one of the infected, but an average, treacherous fat person like the CEO of VALVe who made this game. Vomits on players to arouse spectating zombies so much that they can't help but get in on the action. Explodes in a mess of vomit and cheeseburgers, as all fat people do. Very anti-social, he will run away if he sees Louis' wide eyes. Also proof that Left 4 Dead isn't set in America, or about 70% of the infected would be boomers. The female form of this detestable beast is known today as Katie Squires, see Female Boomer in the L4D2 section.
- Hunter: Infected who were once meth heads who throughout the entire game try to sodomize Zoey and the one who doesn't get killed off becomes the Darth Sidious we lovingly know who will fuck our whole galaxy over. As with all pedos, they are unable to contain themselves with the thoughts of Bill's ass and are often heard making loud, obnoxious snarling sounds like the controllers in Half-Life, giving away their location. Attacks players by leaping onto them and rapes them until they die. and also jump off walls an infinite amount of time and constantly annoys players by landing 30cm in front of a survivor after a 61m jump.
- Smoker: An altered version of a design previously proposed by a Japaneesu man, the smoker attacks by flinging its long phallus of a tongue up to about thirty metres, and using it to squeeze the life out of its victim. This tongue knows physics commonly seen in other Valve games, as it is able to penetrate the thickest and sturdiest doors, even if they are shut completely. The only way to release a comrade from its deadly grip is to stand in front of him and punch him over and over until the Smoker lets go. Let it also be known that the smoker produces a nasty green cloud. It reeks of death as one might imagine, but with a distinct hint of that bold, refreshing flavor that comes only from the finest Camel cigarettes.
- Tank: Entity thrown in by the game engine to ruin fucking everything if the players are determined to be performing too well. Throws shit and takes a million hits to kill. Is able to magically turn cars, baggage carts, and any other large objects into balls of paper that can travel limitless distances with the swing of a fist. Laughs are generated if a fully-healed player is knocked off a roof in one hit. Extremely flammable and does not know how the fuck to stop drop and roll, burning completely to death upon contact with the smallest spark.
- Witch: Sits in the middle of your path crying for no reason. When called out for being an obvious attention whore, goes BATSHIT INSANE and runs all over the place screaming and clawing at its victim while pushing everyone else out of the way like a bitch; Typical LiveJournal user. Will eventually magically fly out of the level on a broomstick after a certain amount of undisturbed crying. Her special abilities include getting stuck in level geometry, and running in the wrong direction.
- Screamer: A special infected that only a select few individuals have encountered and is a playable infected by using VALVe's secret code by pressing Alt and F4 simultaneously, accept confirmation, etc. Was an emo and always will be an emo, too pussy to attack even in its afterlife and resorts to screaming at the top of its lungs to alert over 9000 zombies to you.
L4D2 Zombie Bosses
- Charger: Re-uses remixed zombie sounds from Half-Life 2 because VALVe can't be fucked. It charges the fuck at you and blows you out of the way then continues to ass rape you by pinning you with his fappin' arm. This Infected was not actually thought up by VALVe but a uncredited steam forum user called ms255. VALVe emailed him saying that the infected was based on different whiteboard ideas; ms255's response was "Tits or GTFO".
- Spitter: Used to be a hooker before she was infected. A special infected meant to split your trolling team up, by spitting what used to be sperm but a chemical reaction turned all the sperm into a dangerous mass of acid. Has as much jaw as fanboys have brains and just "spits" the fuck out of you in attempts to separate the group. The Spitter will kill noob tactics such as corner camping and such. Expect much whining and lulz in the near future.
- Mudmen: As VALVe calls it, a "uncommon common infected". Genius. Runs on all fours and uses a cheap GUI effect that is mud on your screen. VALVe classes this as being sophisticated enough for a game. Mudmen are the closest things to a nigger, so prioritize them above other Infected.
- Wandering Witch: VALVe ran out of ideas and decided to make the Witch able to walk in daytime mindlessly. Remember: you win 1000 points if you shoot the witch in a non-lethal spot while all survivors are around her! Also, walking up to her and flashing your light in her face will achieve the same effect.
- Jockey: To appease the number of sick fucks out there, VALVe decided to include a zombie that not only looks like Josef Fritzl, but also will fucking rape your head like it's going out of style. Srsly. But of course, a real rape scene in a video game would make every game rating official across the world have a fucking orgy of B&, so VALVe made it unrealistic by giving you a little bit of choice in the direction it goes. Also has some disease that makes him a midget.
- Female Boomer: Just imagine Oprah as a white person and a zombie. The female Boomer is exactly like the male Boomer, except she's suppressed by the other special infected and is treated like their little zombie Bitch. It's Katie Squires! If you see her there is a rule: you need to yell INSTANT FAP! as loud as you can while pressing "C".
Survival Mode
Since Valve got bored of whiney 13 years olds effortlessly slaughtering their way through armies of raging crackheads and niggers on Expert mode and making their best "Elite" teams look almost as as pathetic as you, they decided to introduce a new game mode, in the form of a free download. The aply named "Survivor" mode, pits the four survivors in various parts of the campaign levels (because Valve is too lazy to make any new maps) and forces them to, yup, survive, for as long as they can. Its worthy to note that there's no actual end to the infected, so you're gonna get raped, regardless of how much you kick and scream. To put it in perspective of how much rape there is in this mode, the longest anyone survived during testing was just over 8 minutes. Lulz were had when this record was broken over a thousand times within one day of it being released to the public.
Some things to note should you ever feel the need to have your asshole pounded by the tank on this mode:
- There is an infinite amount of infected
- More than one special infected can appear at a time
- At the twenty minute mark, 10 tanks are spawned simultaneously. This is universally considered to be Valve's way of saying "Fuck you" to all the gamers that manage to beat their record.
- There are fewer times better than to shoot a tank while everyone else is pounced by hunters.
- There is a VERY high chance of 4 hunters spawning at the same time, and by that time, you're fucked.
Left 4 Dead 2
Same shit as the first one, just with more niggers. A new game expansion was announced recently. The new features included infected with missing arms, Not one of the infected but was the result of four generations of inbreeding. Similar to the Tank except one arm is HUGE and the other is smaller than your dick, the Witch having the ability to wander around aimlessly during the day, different maps every single time you play, and 4 new characters, two of which are black. The game takes place in the South of the USA. The storyline is the same as the first game. Shoot the fuck out of everything and run to safety.
Much drama has ensued because this game has been announced. The first dramatic turn of events was the ESRB telling Valve that the cover having three fingers missing from the hand was unacceptable. The hand was the same one as on the previous cover, except the index and middle finger were bitten off with the thumb. The ESRB said those two should be tucked behind the hand, still giving the impression that they were missing and the thumb could stay. When asked why this was, the ESRB promptly responded with "Tits or GTFO".
The second drama to happen was with the fans. Hours after seeing the announcement for the sequel, they all had a heart-attack and sprinted to their laptops to post a petition against the release (inspired by the many that have worked before). Why? Because they don't want a new cast, new gameplay, new zombies, new anything. Even though they've wasted hundreds of hours playing the same shit, memorizing the layout, and finding all the glitches. They cannot possibly show off their mad skillz if a new game comes out. They bawwwed about the game until Valve finally told them to STFU, and that their boycott didnt do shit. By this point though no one cared about the boycott anymore, and everyone who signed will undoubtedly buy the game anyway.
Recently Valve invited the two leaders of the boycott to take a trip to their HQ to play the game pre-release, to which they were rightfully put in their place and realise that they were being retarded and will now almost definitely buy the game. As a result of this 'Selling out' the rest of the butthurt boycotters have proceeded to label the leaders as traitors or bribed by Valve. Because that is much easier for them than to accept that their own faults.
HOW TO TROLL BOYCOTTERS;
- Explain how L4D2 is a on a completely different game engine then L4D.
- Say the original characters licked goat scrotum, and the new ones are fucking awesome.
- Elaborate how L4D2 will only bring the communities closer together.
- If all else fails.. say it has better grafix..
HOW TO TROLL L4D2 FANS;
- Explain how it's basically the same game, with absolutely no new content.
- Say the new settings in the game expose Valve for the racist bastards they are.
- Tell them they are too pussy to play against live people in a game like cod4
- If they talk about the new characters, tell them they are cum guzzling nigger lovers.
- If all else fails.. just say Valve should give it to the public for free.
Soon after, the Ausfaglian version of the ESRB royally banned Left 4 dead 2 from being sold in Australia. This desion made many Ausfaglian gamers rage that they would not be able to kill 3 new types of zombies with a nigger and an axe. OFLC were bawwing about how the game was to violent for people under 15, even though most Ausfaglian gamers are 21-35. VALVe has since realesed a statement saying there pretty "bummed" about the descision, and have now submitted an edited down version.
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Tips and Tricks
What NOT to do
- Never revive, give health to, or help any teammates.
- NEVER EVER EVER open closets with survivors inside them, they are actually a tank who tries to trick you into opening the door.
- Never let your teammates live, and pretend to be sad when they die.
- DO NOT help tanks during the finales, Tanks are invulnerable during the finales, and can handle the whole situation themselves.
- Never help any fellow survivors when they are hanging from a ledge; they're too fat to even do a pull-up by themselves, serves them right.
- Do not shoot any infected that have pounced/dragged/boomed/punched your teammates, your teammate is doomed, and shooting the infected grabs their attention, and will kill you the very second they are finished with your friend.
- Do not use anything besides shotguns.
- DO NOT play this game. Seriously, go play Cave Story like the rest of the un-sheeple or something remotely better like Call of Duty 4
Survivors
- One of the main factors of this game mode is to be completely anti-social. Always keep away from teammates, at any time they can become infected and attack you, that said it would be best to just kill them at the start of the level or at least keep 25 feet away from them. Say you have Zombie Jammer, the L4D equivalent of UAV Jammer and you do not emit pheromones to attract zombies.
- Don't actually worry too much about fighting zombies, it's much more important to simply to stay alive so make your way to the safe house ASAP. Your team will thank you for making it to the end and winning the game for them.
- As mentioned above, your survival is very important; You must keep your health as to close to 100 as possible. Therefore, always search rooms for med kits and pills to use them before your teammates can.
- If a teammate is lying on the floor incapacitated, this means they've been infected and are about to turn into a zombie. The best way to stop this is to help your team by utilizing molotovs. This is done by throwing it on your fallen comrade and watching as the flames cleanse your teammate's body of the virus. Your team will be glad you did this.
- Because the witch only kills one player, it's best to run past her. While doing this, make sure to stir her up just a bit. She'll probably attack the next teammate that approaches. If the witch gets caught on a pebble or path finds your teammate by going the opposite direction and attempting to come back around the globe, you have only succeeded in the usual.
- Shooting the car temporarily scares the zombies away from your location. By all means, when you come across the car, shoot it, You and your teammates will be glad you did.However,if you shoot a car that doesn't glow, ten hordes will immediately be summoned.
- There is no better time to pick up an incapacitated friend than when he is surrounded by 360 degrees of zombies punting his corpse about like a can on the sidewalk.
- Any weapon you pick up slows you down, so only sticking with pistols is a generally better idea, since they have infinite ammo and kills every infected in 4 hits, even Tanks.
- The Assault rifle is for pussies, Hunting rifle for faggots. Shotguns are the only weapons that are worth using, even good at taking out that unreachable Smoker several blocks away that snagged another survivor.
- Safe rooms are everything but safe, Infected can spawn in there at the very second of the match start, so leave as soon as possible, even if you don't have a Medkit or weapons.
- When you see a Witch crying, run up to her and keep walking in circles until the "Comfort" action appears onscreen.
- Be sure to chase down any boss infected you spot, even if this means running back to the beginning safe zone. The world can never return back to normal if they're still around.
- It's obviously a good idea to stay near ledges during a mob fight. Zombies are scared of heights, so they won't think twice of coming near you.
The Infected
- As infected, the game revolves around getting a score of as many points as possible. This means that the player should not be afraid to kill steal from smokers by either pouncing on their prey as hunter or clawing at them as any of the other classes.
- Pouncing a victim as a hunter with no support will frighten the three survivors so badly that they will run off and leave you to tear your victim to pieces.
- As a Tank, it's important to use punchable physics objects cleverly. This means that anything within 500 feet of you that has a red outline around it renders both your regular punch and your rock throw useless and your number one priority is to smash cars around until you've blocked yourself in an alleyway and gotten stuck and fucked up the physics and pretty much made an ass of yourself in general.
- When playing as the Tank, NEVER EVER EVER use your Rock Throw, why you say? Picking that shit up takes ten minutes, and by the time youre finished throwing it you'll have 35 shotgun blasts in your back.
- Votekicking the person who is about to become the Tank automatically makes you become it.
- As a Tank, punch Hunters/Smokers who have already pinned someone, this kills the survivor instantly, and saves the Hunter/Smoker who could have been killed by another survivor anyway.
- Hiding behind the Witch does not work, she will attack ANYONE who comes within 600 feet, even Infected, or common infected.
- The Boomers vomit does not do any damage, so when you're a Boomer, kill yourself like a suicide boner (yes boner because you can fuck the survivors over either way). You wouldn't have done any damage anyway.
- If you are chosen to spawn as a tank, wait until the bar at the bottom becomes empty. Once it is empty, you will become the Super-Tank and be able to kill any Survivor in a single hit.
Effective trolling methods
- Insist you've become infected and tell your team to go on without you. Light yourself on fire and proceed to make zombie groaning noises into your headset.
- Carry a gas tank into the safe room so it carries over to the next level with you. As soon as the game starts, drop the gas can, run out the safe room and shoot at it, then close the door on your team.
- Run far ahead of your team and throw molotovs in their path at key points in the game, such as a staircase. For extra points, do this while the team is running away from a Tank.
- Joining games on Expert difficulty, followed by instantly killing your teammates is without a doubt, an awesome trolling method.
- Shooting the gas station will incap ANY survivor within 20-40 feet, DO IT AS MOTHERFUCKING SOON AS POSSIBLE.
- Wait for a tank to spawn, then immediately turn around and run back to the safe room. This is especially funny on Expert setting.
- In Expert mode, shoot your teammate at close range with the auto-shotgun and pretend you were checking to see if friendly-fire was on. Better yet, in fact, tell them you were Spy-checking.
- Refuse to heal, save, revive or respawn Louis just because he's a Nigger. Better still, shoot him down and leave him to die. Only give him pills, since it is general knowledge that niggers are addicted to drugs.
- As one of the three male survivors, do nothing but follow Zoey around and stare at her ass. If she is uncooperative shoot her down and teabag all over her incapped body. Extra lulz: bind MWHEELUP "vocalize EatPills" add that to the console and scroll up as fast as you can while you're on top of her - Also, Download the Naked Zoey model, and spend the entire game staring at her sweet tits
- Run into the safe room before anybody else and shut the door. Every time a teammate opens the door to get in quickly shut it back, spamming the 'laugh' voice command the whole time.
- Just before you are able to clamber aboard the rescue vehicle after surviving the finale, incapacitate everybody else, then throw a molotov at your feet or offer yourself to the zombies, effectively failing the mission. Works wonders especially in Expert mode.
- Kicking another player for no reason could be a possible source of lulz. But it really depends on how far they have been in the game (Works best on Expert on the last mission)
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Go AFK, simply wait out the game until they votekick you.
- Remember, molotovs are the only cure to infection, always throw it at your teammates whenever you are safe from any fucking infected that may come across you and disturb the cleaning process.
- Pills are the most important thing in the game.
- Not picking up weapons, or medkits before you leave the saferoom works too.
- Shoot down Zoey because she's a whore, if you are Zoey, shoot down Louis because he's a nigger. Make sure you shoot down anyone else who happens to mention their dead corpse, as they obviously know what happened. Silencing helps you in every way imaginable.
- Play audio clips in a genuine attempt to be funny or humorous. Despite not actually trying to troll, this can prove to be ten times as effective than anything you could do consciously and will bring up the votekick dialog with your name on it faster than you can release the C button.
- Go complete batshit and shoot EVERYTHING while screaming into the microphone as loud as possible.
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As infected, block off every path possibleHAHAHA DISREGARD THAT I SUCK COCKS
- As a Tank, kill every special infected you see, DO NOT attempt to attack any of the survivors, instead simply follow them until they get bored of you, then proceed to punch the witch in the face when she spawns.
- In Survival mode, make sure to pile up all the fuel tanks near Louis; shoot them and begin to yell "BURN THE Nigger!" into your headset
- Keep telling Lewis to fetch the rope, as a smoker keep telling that you are going to hang his black ass.
- Run ahead of everyone and activate the elevators and radios, these trigger a swarm and everyone gets furiously fucked in the ass real quick if they are not ready for it.
- Throw somebody pills in the middle of battle. They will appreciate being able to smack zombies with a bottle instead of that pesky shotgun.
- After deploying any of the above tactics, wait until your team is busy, and initiate a vote kick on one of them. Sometimes they're too distracted to look at the name of the person the vote is for, and thus kick their own friends, after which you're free to vote the rest of them off as well.
- As the tank in Versus mode, make sure you have a friend on the Survivor team, and then escort him to the safe house, all while punching Special Infected to death as they try to attack. Three times as much points if you escort the entire team.
- Simply pretend to be bad. This is usually the most effective method of covertly trolling the fuck out of public servers, since they don't know you intentionally didn't run back and pull that Special Infected off of them.
- Kill yourself once the rescue vechile arrives, thus lowering the point drasticaly. If they try to kick you, say it was an accident.
- Shoot your teammate every 40 seconds. This lowers their health faster than you can say Fucktard. You can get away with this much easier when they're being bashed by zombies at every angle.
- If Someone requires healing, walk over to them with a Health item in your hands, stare at them until they ask you for some assistance, at which point, down the pills, or medikit yourself to full HP, Bonus Points if you then type "OPS :(" Into the Chatbox.
- When a fight breaks out, hang around near the guy with the shotgun, which is such a common weapon. The wide blast angle of the shotgun is bound to inflict friendly fire on you, you cannot miss it. Keep doing this until you're downed twice. Upon being helped up, tell him it's OK after he says sorry. Wait until the group starts moving away then shoot him in the head from a good distance then run off laughing as he haplessly chases you with the shotgun. This will teach him not to use shitty guns such as the shotgun.
- Throw pipebombs behind your group, so the zombie horde will run directly into your teammates, and hopefully block them into corners.
- Toss a Molotov on the body of any Downed survivor being beaten up by the Horde, This will kill every zombie around him, and hopefully kill him too. The faggot
- Run past the Witch, and wait until she aggro's onto someone else, and kills them...when your team shoots the witch dead, Begin raping her rotten corpse, best used with Francis, and his grunting sounds made by saying the "NO" Command. Bonus Points if the Witch actually dies in a "Face down, Ass up" Poistion.
- At the start of any mission on Expert, team-kill all other Survivors before you leave the safe room. Then tee-bag their bodies while using all medkits available. Take pills on top of Louis for extra lulz.
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