Cat
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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When John Atanasoff and Clifford Berry developed the first digital computing machine at Iowa State University in 1937, little did they know that their invention would become an integral part of a sophisticated worldwide cat picture distribution system.
- Iowahawk, 12 March 2004
A cat (sometimes called a pu55y or pussy) is a small, indestructible, furry automaton often used to provide you with love and companionship when things fuck up in your shit life. The substitute child for lonely spinsters and gay faggots, a cat is a common household pet that people like to take pictures of and post in communities, and the official animal of the Internet. Jameth has two cats that he very much loves to photograph. Cats were worshiped by ancient Egyptian cultures, which isn't so great considering that they weren't very smart. They inspired the naming of the sixth planet Caturn, and a day in our weekly calendar is devoted entirely to them. Cats are the only thing the /b/astards at 4chan have any love for in their lives, because they remind them of their selfish, antisocial, furry-loving selves. It has been well documented that a cat is the only thing a /b/tard won't rape, except for one particularly lonely one.
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Are good for... ?
Unlike large dogs, cats are useless for sex. A domestic cat's junk is too small for even the smallest Asian person's penis. And a large cat can attack you like with Siegfried and Roy's tiger. However when a cat hisses at you, it is telling you it wants to give you a blow job which can be quite pleasurable because their tongue feels even better than a vagina. Interestingly, talking about sex with cats is quite distasteful to lovers.
There are rumors that cats are conspiring to take over the world. This is a bit sus. Their main plan of attack is showing people, other animals and inanimate objects their anus. By doing this, they weird out most normal people, animals and inanimate objects (except furries), causing them to turn away so they are free to further their own nefarious goals, the greatest of which is eating unwatched meals of food. Their plan of attack may also include tripping people up by winding between their legs, irreversible damage to furniture, hanging out on stairs and peeing on carpets. Recently, their tactics have evolved to include getting people arrested by downloading thousands of kiddie porn pics onto their hard drives.
Scientology and Cats
Scientologists are rumoured to despise cats, and have accused them of being in cahorts with the Marcab Confederacy. Rorschach's cat, Mudkips, was poisoned shortly after he (Carasov) was identified on a CO$ video. Naturally the cat, a stray whom Carasov fed, was a mortal threat to Scientologists everywhere and was also most likely a suppressive feline, therefore it was immediately designated fair game and was terminated by Tom Cruise. Cruise failed to destroy or even affect the cat using his OTVIII mind control powers, proving yet again that the cat itself was a deadly conundrum for CO$ followers everywhere, so he instead resorted to poisoning Mudkips by adding ammonia to the food that Carasov was leaving out for him - no, srsly. These events are likely to be documented in the forthcoming Mission: Impossible-IV which, like its predecessors, is sure to be a box office smash.
Excerpts From a Cat's Diary
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their pillow.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body,in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured, alas. But... HAH! it is only a matter of time.......
Cats in Ancient Folklore
Cats have been associated with a variety of superstitions for over 9,000 years, and some argue that this is due to them having a mysterious nature, while others maintain that it is simply because all cats are badass motherfuckers with special powers and shit.
Cats are often even associated with the ancient asian art of zen.
Indeed, there have been several very influential cats revealed on the Internets, including Longcat and Ceiling Cat. Others, such as Serious Cat or BIKECAT are merely henchmen with less significant abilities.
Until recently it was believed to be bad luck if a black cat crossed your path. However, recent research has consistently shown that it is only bad luck if a black man crosses your path, and subsequently you will die.
Ship Cats
It is a long standing tradition to get a cat when going away to sea. There are multiple reasons for this.
- They pwn mice
- They are lulzy
- They stop the crew going batshit insane
- They keep everyone happy
- Objections to the continual sodomy on board can be answered with, 'Hell! at least we are not swiving the CAT!!!'
- (Later, the speaker will swive the cat.)
- They are AWESOME
"Killing" Cats for Fun and Profit
You can also pretend to people you know on LiveJournal that your cat has been set on fire and ask them to donate money to your PayPal to pay the vet's bill, even when this isn't true. This is a good idea because:
- it raises money
- it raises lulz
- it creates Internet drama
- as long as you claim later it's all a social experiment then it's okay, right?
NB: There are a variety of options for raising money on LiveJournal by saying your pussy is on fire.
You can make money on Facebook by pretending to kill your neighbor's cat then waiting for reward money for your name and outing yourself!
It is illegal to kill cats on Caturday. It's always illegal to kill cats. Except when you make them assplode by putting a stick of dynamite up their asshole. (Great icebreaker at parties).
Fun Fact: Btards are jaded husks of human beings, able to crack jokes at everything from 9/11 to Rodney King, but will go apeshit if you harm or say anything bad about cats. I guess when you're at your computer with nothing but a 2 hour break your only friends are your IRC channel and your diabetic cat. Top scientists are still speculating why this occurs, but leading studies usually point out they're basically full of shit, considering the typical Btard mocks PETA mercilessly.
Fun Activity: Google Image Search "dead cats" or "Zippocat" and make a fun-filled contribution to Caturday. I'm sure they'll love it, but you may want to change your IP in case some butthurt mod doesn't think it's nearly as funny. You'll be fiiiiine.
Sometime, Kitty Kill U
Cat Videos
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Galleries
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See Also
- Caturday
- Catnarok
- Kittens
- CATS
- JESUS CHRIST IT'S A LION GET IN THE CAR!
- Cat fight
- Invisible
- Bonsai Kitten
- Sea Kittens
- A cat is fine too
- OMGWTFBBQCATS
- NEDM
- Wang Jeu
- Crusadercat
- Kenny Glenn The Animal Abuser
- Camrose Cat Killers
- LaraTheDarkAngel
- Tyler Weinman
- Sean_Lynde
- Urlesque
External links
- Many cats, oh yes.
- New study finds that cats are taking over the world
- Catster: a place for scratching furniture.
- The Infinite Cat Project.
- The Sleeping Cat Olympics
- Kittenwar!
- OMGWTFBBQCATS?
- Stuff + Cats = Awesome
- Panty Cat: "I don't understand why a cat sniffing panties is funny... it just is."
- Cruelty involving cats will offend even borderline trolls. OSCAR: NEVAR FORGET
- "help me or kitty gets it"
- Just Cats.
- Moar catz
- http://www.nobeliefs.com/cat.htm
- Some semi-decent ones without the lols that will some day make it to the galleries above
- You can literally waste hours of your life here.
- There is a community of cats called Catland
- Man blames his cat for CP downloads.
- lolcatbible.com ... Recently discovered texts show cats may have written the bible
| Cat is part of a series on Internet Cats Arguecat • Basement Cat • Bikecat • Binkers • Burger the Angry Cat • Catnarok • Caturday • Celing Cat • Death Cat • Dodge Cat • Dusty the Cat • Fishing Cat • Frinklecat • Garfield • Glaucomacat • Happycat • Jewcat • Keyboard Cat • Kitler • Lasercat • Limecat • Lion • Lioncash • Longcat • Microwave Cat • Octocat • Peter • Serious Cat • Shortcat • Shotacat • Space cat • Spaghetti Cat • Speedycat • Tacgnol • That fucking cat • Tubcat • Weathercat • Zippocat |  |
