Josef Fritzl
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Josef Fritzl is the Final Boss of teh /b/tards. According to Google and Wikipedia Intelligence Services he may also be a former Austrian migrant leading a double-agent life in Australia now, he is serial committer of incest, sick fuck and pretty cool guy who became a meme on 4chan's /b/ circa April 29, 2008. After his recent arrest last Thursday, he is being watched by the authorities who suspect that he may attempt to become an hero as a result of guilt over his actions. However, he would find a welcome home in 4chan, because /b/tards loev him for what he did. Fritzl has received a mountain of 200 love letters from lonely women offering him romance as well. Some of the women have said that Fritzl is "good at heart" and "misunderstood". They believe that he wanted to keep his daughter out of trouble, so he kept her prisoner for most of her life. Despite his arrest, he finds time to post on The Soapbox as SpiderWire.
Like his fellow Australian, Hitler, Josef is a radical sadist and the personification of Evil who has made his own family suffer for a very long time by playing "Light & Darkness" with their lives and their souls in a extreme possessive way, like a mentally ill Dictator. He began abusing his daughter Elizabeth in 1977 when she was loli, and then when she was a teenager in 1984, he locked her inside a dungeon and told the rest of the world she was missing, where she would remain for at least 100 years. But Josef Fritzl's defensive words to excuse his acts were that his daughter was totally asking for it. By the time she emerged in 2008, she was a forty-something shadow of her former self, and had given birth to eight children from him. One of the children died and was baked in an oven by Josef. Three of those children had never seen the light of day. Two of them were aged 18 and 19, making them older than you. Due to the low ceilings of the basement, the older children walk with a permanent hunch, while the youngest child prefers to crawl, although he can walk. The children communicate with each other through a combination of speech and animal sounds. The other children apparently lived a normal life. Other people thought they were his grandchildren (which they were, but just not in the conventional sense, lol).
Josef had apparently told his captives that the basement door was wired to explode, and that poisonous gas canisters were primed to pump their lungs full of Zyklon B if they tried to open the door to sweet freedom.
His defense lawyer plans to argue that all Mr. Fritzl was doing is putting Plato's Allegory of the cave to practice, and that he is being persecuted, like many great Australian scientists in the past.
The mass media threw a shit fit when they found out about this, and now Josef is on suicide watch. Our verdict: he did it for the lulz. Police have voiced fears that Fritzl - who is 73 and has a heart condition - will die in prison before his victims can reveal exactly what happened to them. Fritzl has also told his jailers that he needs daily exercise outside because he hates being cooped up in his cell.
The past news suggests that the 19-year-old girl who is in hospital might die, but fortunately good news turns it in to hope. On May 27, Kerstin Fritzl finally woke up from the coma, and on May 28, three of the children returned to school. Authorities said after the case surfaced last month, Fritzl's victims might get new identities to help them start over.
In June, cops revealed that daughter Elisabeth is too traumatized to be questioned, and police have been unable to quiz the three of the seven children fathered by Fritzl who also lived in the cellar. Medical experts have warned police it could be two years before the victims reveal all about the Cellar Terror of Josef - by which time, they fear, Fritzl my have already passed away.
It is rumored that he may have created several similar basements in Norway. Archaeologists have found two so far, and they all have a loli in them. One of his best friends live in Norway, and it is believed that he might have helped him and/or given him permission to use his house.
Like many Australians, Fritzl loved to go on holiday in Thailand.
Contents |
[edit] The New Batman movie
Josef Fritzl has made it to television, playing as mr. freeze in Batman & Robin.
Joseph Fritzl. A Man, A Vision, A Tribute.
[edit] Playing God
Psy Experts put the brute on the couch for the first time since he was arrested more than two weeks ago. They believe that, like serial killer Harold Shipman, he reveled in "playing God " with other people's lives.
Psychiatrist Christian Ludke said: "He enjoyed being the master of life and death. He's the personification of the terrifying power of evil - the devil ."
Dr. Ludke said Fritzl was emotionally abused by his mother . He said: "That's why he became an abuser.
| —Psy Experts , May 13 2008 |
[edit] COPYPASTA
Hey Faggots,
My name is Josef, and I hate every single one of you. All of you are fat, retarded, no-lifes who spend every second of their day looking at my stupid pictures. I will rape everything in the world. Honestly, have any of you ever gotten any pussy? I mean, I guess it's fun making fun of people because of your own insecurities, but you all take to a whole new level. This is even worse than jerking off to pictures on facebook.
Don't be a stranger. Just hit me with your best shot. I'm pretty much perfect. I've refurnished my basement, and have seven kids/grandkids. What have you done, other than jack off to naked drawn japanese people? I get laid ANY time I want, and I have a banging hot daughter (I just raped her; Shit was SO cash). You are all faggots who should just kill yourselves. Thanks for listening.
Pic Related: It's me and my bitch
Alternate Version
Hey Grandchildren,
My name is Josef, and I am going to rape every single one of you. All of you are attractive, under aged lolis who spend every second of their day getting raped in my basement. You are everything that is attractive in this basement. Honestly, have any of you ever seen daylight? I mean, I guess it's fun getting repeatedly raped by me, but you all take being rape victims to a whole new level. This is even worse than making a whiny youtube video about your rape experiences.
Don't be frigid. Just give me your best head. I'm pretty much perfect. I was captain of the rape team, and we went all the way to the Australian nationals. What sports do you play, other than hide grandfather's purple parsnip? I also mentally scar children for life, and have a banging hot daughter (She just blew me; Shit was SO non-consensual). You are all my grandchildren who should just keep quiet and spread your legs for me every other day. Thanks for listening.
Pic Related: It's me and your mother
[edit] Fresh Prince of Cell-Air
Now this is a story all about how my
Life got flipped turned upside down
And I'd like to take a minute just sit right there
I'll tell you how I become the prince of my house’s Cel-Air
In west Australia born and raised
On my daughter is where I spent most of my days
Chillin' out, maxin', relaxin', all cool
And all beatin' some loli outside of the school
When a couple of years they were up to no good
Started agein' lolis in my neighborhood
I got one little erection and my mom got scared
And said, "You're movin' with your hot teenage daughter in Cel-Air."
I whistled for a cab and when it came near
The license plate said “CHRIS” and it had dice in the mirror
If anything they could say that my girl was rare
But I thought, "Nah, forget it. Yo home to Cel-Air!"
She crawled out of the house after 7 offspring
And she yelled to the cabby "yo Hansen, my sav’ya"
Looked at my kingdom I sure wish she was there
To sit on my girl as the prince of Cel-Air.
Alternate Version
Now this is a story all about how my
Life got flipped turned upside down
And I'd like to take a minute just sit right there
I'll tell you how I become the prince of my house’s Cellair
In west Australia born and raised
Fucking my daughter is where I spent most of my days
Chillin' out, maxin', relaxin', all cool
and building incest dungeons underneath my pool
I took three kids out cuz they were all good
told my wife they were just children from the neighborhood.
I fucked just one of my daughters the police got scared
But they don't know the pin-code to my daughter's Cellair.
They called the partyvan and when it got near
The license plate said “AUSTRALIA” and it had dice in the mirror
"you crazy" they said, "those ideas in your head are rare,"
I said, "cool homes, it's rape time, home, to Cellair!"
She crawled out the house after 7 offspring
And she yelled to the cops "Yo, I can't speak Australian"
But I'm still pimping, I got three more lairs,
so come and party with me, in my second Cellair.
Fritzl Fritzl Baby
Alright stop
Collaberate and listen fritzls back with a brand new intension
Josef grabs a hold of you tightly , locked in the basement daily and nightly
Will it ever stop yo, i don't know
Turn out the lights and she'll blow
To the extreme, I cum inside like a vandal
Flip the bitch over and shove it straight in her asshole
24 years got you locked in this room
I'm killing your brain and filling up your womb
Deadly when I father 7 kids is hardly
Anything less than the best of a felony
Love it or leave it you better not escape
You try to put it in her but the kid wont play
If there is a problem yo I'll solve it
Check out my cellar before the five-oh dissolve it
Now that the party is jumping
With your ass locked in and the kid gets a thumping
Quick to the point to the point no faking
Im churning out kids like a pound of bacon
Burning them if you ain't quick and nimble
I go crazy when I hear a twin 'bro
And a siren with a souped up tempo
I'm on a roll and it's time to go solo
Rollin' in my 5.0
With my pants pulled down with my dick she'll blow
My wifes on standby waving just to say hi
Did you stop no I just came by
Kept on pursuing to the next stop
I busted a nut and I'm heading to the next block
The bitch was dead
Yo so I continued to A1A Melbourne Avenue
Daughters hot wearing less than bikinis
CP lovers driving Lamborghinis
Jealous 'cause I'm out getting mine
His sister with a guage and Fritzl with his nine
Squeeling tie the bitch on the wall
The wifes acting ill because i emptied my balls on my
Daughter she rang out like a bell
I grabbed my dick and fucked her in the mouth like hell
Falling on the concrete real fast
Went to the basement and then i put it in her ass
Bumper to bumper the pussy was packed
I tried to get away before the jackers jacked
Police on the scene, you know what I mean
They locked me up, and then they threw away the key
If there was a problem yo I'll solve it
Check out my dungeon while my wife comes and cleans it
[edit] MOAR COPYPASTA
WHEN I WAS
A YOUNG GIRL
MY FATHER
TOOK ME INTO THE CELLAR
AND KEPT ME THERE TO STAY
HE SAID
BITCH WHEN
YOU GROW UP
WILL YOU BE
THE MOTHER OF MY CHILDREN
AND KNOW THAT IT'S OKAY
HE SAID
WILL YOU
KEEP QUIET
AND BLOW ME EVERY OTHER WEEK NIGHT
WITH SEX ON SATURDAYS
BECAUSE ONE DAY
I'LL LEAVE YOU
A PHANTOM
AND PUT YOU IN THE SPOTLIGHT
OH WHAT A GRAND CHARADE
[edit] Apt For Rent, Australia
Special Features: Noise proof so you don't have to hear those pesky neighbors, and secure entrance w/ keycode. Furnished.
Rent is $600 or free in return for rape
Please Contact Josef Fritzl
[edit] DIY Josef Fritzl
As you can clearly see from the diagram to the right, it is actually very easy to create such a house. First, you must be a complete sick fuck. Next, you need to think of a way to not make anyone suspect anything of you. Here are the steps:
Step 1: Dig underneath house, and make sure there is tons of room to move around
Step 2: Now start to forge the rooms. Make a really beautiful bathroom, and put a toy elephant on top of cabinet
Step 3: Drug loli
Step 4: Handcuff loli and take in to brand new living area
Step 5: Create super sophisticated locking mechanisms on door
Step 6: RAEP
Step 7: Repeat until loli gives birth 7 times
Step 8: Dead baby? NO PROBLEM! Just burn it in a fire!
Step 9: Keep 3 children and loli for 10 - 24 years.
Step 10: Release captive because SHE IS TOTALLY NOT GOING TO TELL ANYONE OF THE HORRORS SHE HAS EXPERIENCED AND GET YOU V&
Step 11: Get V&
Step 12: Become meme
Step 13: Rot in jail
Step 14: ????
Step 15: PROFIT
PROTIP: THESE STEPS ARE ONLY KNOWN TO WORK IN AUSTRALIA, AND AS A RESULT THE EFFECTS MAY BE DIFFERENT IN YOUR COUNTRY, PLEASE PROCEED WITH CAUTION.
[edit] Fritzlulz: Aged in Basements with Raep
THERE ONCE WAS AN AUSTRALIAN NAMED FRITZL
WHO PENETRATED HIS DAUGHTER WITH SCHNITZEL
ALONE IN THE DARK
SHE HOWLED AND SHE BARKED
'CAUSE THROUGH YEARS OF PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE HER FATHER HAD CONVINCED HER SHE WAS A STUPID BITCH
[edit] Pissed off Australian pasta
| — Americans pretending to be Austrlians |
- As suspected, we can ascertain that Australians are proud of there national hero. God Speed, Josef.
- Only Australians use the word "Dingbat".
[edit] Facts and Figures
- An Australian man was asked what his approach was to his children's sex education. "I like to keep them in the dark", he said.
- Australian Führer Gusenbauer has started a program to reduce loli incest rape by 35% within the next to years, bringing the numbers down to only 60 per day.
- 70% of Australian homes are reportedly equipped with fully upgradeable rape-dungeons.
- Joesef Fritzl, putting the "rape" back in "grape".
- Joesef Fritzl created a new meme, "BRB, RAPE"
- Fritzl fed his grandchildren nothing but sandwiches for 24 years... good thing they were inbred, moar like inBREAD, amirite? Get it, because they ate sandwiches?
- Josef's band.
- Australian women are like a fine wine, best left to mature in a cellar
[edit] A Challenger Appears!
Around 2007 a woman in Brno, Czech Republic bought a baby monitor and was startled when she turned it on to find it picking up 12chan. In fact, the pictures of little boys being sexually abused were coming from her next door neighbour Klara Mauerova; a paid up member of The Grail Movement who was cutting up her kids a bit at a time for her fellow members to eat.
The partyvan bust down the door and freed little Ondrej and his brother Jakob, both ten years old, along with their 13 year old adopted sister, Anicka. Little did they know that 13 year old Anicka was actually 33 year old Barbora, an accomplice to the cult who promptly took the chance to escape.
Barbora was apprehended months later in Oslo, having shaved all her hair off in order to pose as a 13 year old boy. No, that's not a meme, that's what really happened. She claimed she was being manipulated and taking orders from a man calling himself The Doctor.
Maybe next time they should CZECH for TRAPS!
| —Kaja, ED Mailing List |
Having said that, is she as cool as Josef Fritzl? Is she fuck. Fritzl would rape her ass then eat her for breakfast given half the chance.
[edit] Formula 666
 If You are Mom liek this one |
 and |
 You do this to your Baby |
 multiplied |
 with this |
 It will result |
 in The Final Boss of the basement |
[edit] Gallery
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[edit] See Also
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Josef Fritzl is part of a series on Whores. |
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