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From Encyclopedia Dramatica

Jonathon "The Impaler" Sharkey is a ZOMG TOTALLY REAL LIFE VAMPYRE (not vampire you retards!!!). In addition to that, despite the advice of his dungeon master, he's also multiclassed into Satanic Dark Priest, witch, musician, pro wrestler, cockmongler, and politician.

His tenacity must be admired. After all, he's continued to believe in this bullshit in his forties when most kids grow out of that phase by the time they're 16.

Contents 1 He's a dragon! 2 War 3 His Terrorist Girlfriend 4 Presidential Campaign 5 Almost Pedo 6 Sites

He's a dragon!

One more thing he believes is that he's the dragon mentioned in Revelations 13. His proof is that he was born in the Chinese Year of the Dragon and he has a lot of shit with dragons on it. He believes he will rise from the beaches or some biblical crap, which is why he spends most of his time at the Jersey Shore.

“	I draw my biggest strength from water and wind.	„
—Jonathon the Impaler

War

He and his buddies, the Vampyres, Witches, and Pagan's Party, have declared war on vampyre hunters, Christians, the Ku Klux Klan, and other various LARPers. While this is for the most part shit nobody cares about, with enough casualties the average I/Q of humanity will skyrocket.

On Feb 20th 2008, Sharkey stated that he burned a Muslim's prayer rug (who, it must be assumed, was simply walking down the street with his rug draped over his shoulder). Sharkey then declared "this is now a Holy War between Satanists and Muslims," showing that Sharkey doesn't know the definition of the word "Holy" or "Satanists," or both. The Muslims did not retaliate because they realized they worshipped the same god.

His Terrorist Girlfriend

Not only is he a vampyre, but did you know that his ex-girlfriend is a TERRORIST who HATES AMERICA?

You see, not only are there vampyres out there, but there are also vampyre hunters. Unbeknownst to our hero, his ex-girlfriend was one of these vampyre hunters and was secretly out to kill him.

All will be OK though, since after he cheated on her with a fellow vampyre, he sent a letter to the Department of Justice to get her and all her vampyre hunter friends sent to Gitmo.

“	As you are aware from the stories, I am a Vampyre. The society responsible for making these threats against me are professed Vampyre Hunters. Meranda has admitted to being part of this group (see emails dated; 15 Aug 07, 20 Aug 07, and 24 Aug 07). According to her, a friend of Meranda’s named Michael from California, may be assisting her in trying to assassinate me. Additionally, I have reasons to believe that Meranda’s parents (Clayton D. and Amy L.) are also involved in conspiring to assassinate me. On Friday, 24 Aug 07 her father Clayton called me on my cell phone and threatened me. I developed arsenic poisoning on 15 Aug 07, the same day she admitted to being a member of this group. I and my half-sister have repeatedly asked Meranda to supply the names and locations of her fellow Vampyre Hunters. She was repeatedly refused. Meranda has informed me, that she would file charges against me and my sister for harassment with the Rochester Police Department, if I continued to question her about the hunters.	„
—Jonathon the Impaler

Presidential Campaign

Currently, Jonathon the Impaler is running for President of the United States. Ya Rly. This means that there's actually a candidate out there more fucked up than Ron Paul.

The first thing Jonathon will do as President is impale George W. Bush so he can sacrifice him to Satan, and possibly also for the lulz. Some other of his campaign promises include:

“	Jonathon will bring the troops home from the Middle East. Once they're out, 'the Satanic Vampyre is going to unleash the flames of Hades upon our enemies... Then I'm going to have the oil ships show up, take their oil and say, 'Screw you. Got a problem with it? Come here.' '	„
—Weird NJ Interview

On crime:

“	On his impaling list are rapists, child molesters, and drunk drivers. For thieves, impalement is the third strike. 'Think about it. You're a criminal and you know I'm sitting in the White House. You look at the White House front lawn and there are these impaling stakes with the heads of the impaled victims on them. Are you really going to try your luck?'	„
—Weird NJ Interview

“	Instead of attacking innocent people, I prefer to use my powers and abilities to attack those who prey on the innocent. So I'm still satisfying my need for tearing people up, being cruel and vicious, but I'm doing it to the people who are doing it to the innocent people.	„
—Jonathon the Impaler, unaware that the Internet Vigilante Group is already doing that.

Unfortunately for Jonathon, his voting base is primarily comprised of 13-year-old boys and girls who can't vote IRL. But it's OK, because they plan to turn everyone into vampyres and make them vote for him. Or at least they would if anyone was actually playing their stupid game.

He is in jail now for his statements regarding the impaling of George W. Bush.

Almost Pedo

On his blog, Jonathon reveals that he's acquired a new vampyre in training.

“	I am happy to announce I have a NEW VIT! She goes by the name of; Vampire Angel. She 's 18 (according to her), and has caught my eye.	„
—Jonathon the Impaler

“	To me, she is HOTT and I want her. She is a SMARTAss and this poses a problem. Like Scar in The Lion King, I am just letting Angel have her fun like he did with the mouse. However, when I have had enough, like Scar did, I will pick her up, and show her my "FANGS" and hopefully she'll get the point.	„
—Jonathon the Impaler, admitting to hitting on girl young enough to be his daughter.

However, it's just not enough that she just become a vampyre, she has to tell everyone on the internets about it. Apparently that's a cardinal rule.

“	The one thing Angel seriously needs to do, is change her profile a little bit. After all, she's about to become a new creature of the night. Her page and profile should show this.	„
—Jonathon the Impaler

Sites

• Jonathon the Impaler's campaign page, apparently made at least 100 years ago. - BALETED
• Jonathon the Impaler's blog.
• Jonathon the Impaler's MySpace.
• The Official Gazette of The Vampyre Nation.

Jonathon the Impaler is part of a series on Otherkin

Vampires  •   Humanoids  •   Reptiles  •   The Rest  •   See Also  Don Henrie • Jonathon the Impaler • Sanguinarius MemoryandDream • Embracing mystery •Vampire Freaks Vampireposers.com • House Kheperu • Pink Spider Michelle Belanger • SesshReincarnated • Anne Rice • Todd Hoyt Klingon • Lorac Black • Zananeichan Dragons • Fuck you, I'm a dragon! • Kenneth Eng Starblade • Reptoids Angel • Demon • Gackt • Hatedwerewolf • And her fursona Werewolves • LittleCloud • Drago-dracini • Sephirothslave Summoner Yuna Furries • Otakukin • Cosplay • Role-playing Vampire • Otherkin dating service • Second Life Multiple personality disorder • L. Ron Jeremy • $cientology