Jonas Brothers
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
The Jonas Brothers are faggots who think they are a band that would make anyone with a brain want to forcefully disembowel and strangle every teenybopping Jonas fan they see. They are a bunch of incestuous cunts that make money doing absolutely nothing. They make more money taking pictures and appearing on TV than selling CD's. They make the world a better place with their completely amazing, life-affirming music and (complete lack of) musicianship. The Jonas Brothers have been known to have buttsecks with each other frequently. This behavior is believed to be rooted in their father's many massive rapes while their sick fuck mother watched and masturbated. They also took up a promise to not have sex until marriage which is an insult to real musicians since the beginning of time. With this extra time on their hands, they spend a shitload of undeserved cash on mansions, boats, cars, and black dildos. This gives trolls an abundance of ammunition in their quest for lulz.
The Jonas Brothers are universally hated by those with functioning minds for making perfectly good instruments look gay and showcasing their complete lack of any discernible musical talent. Some fans even go so far as claiming that they are the second coming of Jesus, and that their music should be classified as Classic Rock; which goes to show just how fucking retarded today's generation is. This proves that parents don't care about how their children are growing up, and that they don't beat the living shit out of their children nearly enough. Unfortunately, the Brothers are so protected by the Disney Channel that all the trolling in the world couldn't possibly lead them to playing the shotgun mouthwash card.
Contents |
The Boys
Kevin "The Pedophile" Jonas
Kevin is known as the Ugly One, the Other One, The One With The Fucking Massive Eyebrows or is not even mentioned at all. His main claim to fame is that he apparently has a MASSIVE dick. This would make up for his eye-blindingly bad looks normally, but no proof exists except anecdotes from his incestuous brothers. A while back, Kevin has tried to up his looks by styling his hair in a gay fashion just like his gayer brother Joe in order to increase the amount of retarded fan girls who would want him to pound their tight smelly vagges. Kevin is also well-known for wearing high-heeled boots, patterned shirts and tight white jeans. At 21-years-old, Kevin is completely unappealing to the band's entire fanbase, who prefer the younger and baby-faced other members of the band. He was also named 20 out of 100 on a list of the unsexiest men alive (lulz), showing he is unpopular with normal women as well. (On a lulzy sidenote, Michael Jackson and Chris Crocker were named sexier than him.) We'll end this section here, because everyone knows that nobody cares about Kevin Jonas.He even has those chink eyes, making him even moar ugly. For added lulz, tell fans that he died while texting and driving.
Joe "The 'Tard" Jonas
Joe is usually considered by fans to be the "hottest" of the three cuntrags. No matter how many times you compliment this one on his looks, one fact remains: Joe Jonas stopped developing mentally at the age of three. His brain stopped working. This was never discovered because the brothers were home-schooled by their mother and their father, a minister. Perhaps due to this, Joe never felt quite special enough, so he picked up a guitar and thought he looked cool holding it. He then proclaimed to his gay brothers: "HAY, LETZ ALL START A B4ND, GUISE!", and it was so. His utter stupidity is masked by his innocent demeanor, and most 12 year old girls are too stupid to notice anyways, seeing as they're usually even more retarded than he is. what Joe Jonas fails to comprehend, (Its understandable. Not much can be expected of mental degenerates.) is that he is not loved because he has any talent but because he lives in the implausible fantasies of prepubescent girls. Joe may be considered good looking by many lolis, but in truth, his appearance is similar to that of a Greek transsexual.
Nick "The Shota" Jonas
Nick Jonas is the youngest in the Jonas faggle, and For some reason thinks he's cool with his little Jewfro. He whines and cries over his "tough" life of being rich, famous, and having a gold necklace that states he has diabeetus. He whacks off (he fingers himself, because whacking off would be impossible for him, thanks to the tiny penis) onto a Torah and Jesus action figure every night before going to bed; however, his love of God is false as he broke his vow of celibacy while dating Miley Cyrus. Despite all of this, Nick Jonas possibly garners the most love, devotion, and financial welfare of the three. (excluding the other one who garners jack shit to begin with) He’ll forever be remembered for the fateful day in Jew York City where he shamlessly revealed that he had the dreaded diabeetus. Nick announced the horrifing news during an annual diabeetus fundraiser. Police reports state that eight JB fan girls committed suicide on sight and twenty more drowned in the waist deep pool of tears. Meanwhile, few sane people took notice of Nick’s confession and even fewer found the time to give a shit.
A quick glance at their faggotry
A clear demonstration of the Jonas Brothers' sense of humor and Joe's poor math skills.
Q. How do you get all three Jonas Brothers on a barstool?
A. Turn it upside down.
We do not have facebook!
Totally... gay!
The Real Band
Wait, are you implying that you actually care about their music?
Oh.
Here are the guys who actually play the instruments in the band.
- John Taylor - Lead guitar/Blowjob distributor
- Greg Garbowsky - Bass Guitar/Semen inflator
- Jack Lawless - Drums/Spank provider
- Ryan Liestman - Keyboard/Antipussy motivator
- Buzz Killington - Manager/Buttsecks distributor
Five people? WHAT THE FUCK???????? They have an entire band that's actually playing while they prance around looking pretty on stage selling their prepubescent cocks? Just goes to show how much they enjoy receiving anal. Not only are their songs mostly done in the studio, but they can't even replicate their shit live without help! These talentless motherfuckers need to be burned and decapitated, left to decompose into oil, put into a car, compacted and shipped off into deep space to melt in the heat of the sun.
Trolling Jonas Brothers' fans
Trolling JB fans is quite easy, and often results in epic lulz due to the fact that they are all whiny, oversensitive 12 year old girls.
One of the most creative ways of trolling fans is by posting this:
"I'm going to kill the Jonas Brothers horribly. I'll start with Nick. I'll slowly file off all of his skin before castrating his retracted micropenis and gutting him halfway. Then I'll hang him by his own intestines from a tree, keeping him alive, and set the tree on fire. I'll do the same to Kevin and Joe. But you, little girl, get a special treat. I'll rape and impregnate you before locking you in a dark, cold cellar and gutting you after three months of pregnancy."
Making fun of their purity rings, AIDS, rape-filled pasts, homosexuality, lack of any musical talent, retarded relationship bullshit, or Nick's diabeetus is also advised.
If you are intent on getting quick lulz from teh fantards visit their official JewTube channel and spam teh fuck out of it here.
Quotes that you can copypasta if you can't be original:
- God tried to make the perfect band. He wanted to call them the Jonas Brothers, but he realized he already made The Beatles, so he decided to kill at least one of them by diabetes.
- Jonas brothers suck.
- Joe never wanted to be a singer. No, seriously.
- Did you know that Nick had an intimate relationship with a rhinoceros? Her name was Miley. (Make sure to post that on Disney forums.)
- The Jonas brothers have an army of fat, ugly, and stupid 12 year old girls, including those who are reading this.
- "One time, around 5:30'ish, I was out in a restaurant. There were two guys behind me, early 20s maybe. I was bored while I was waiting for my food, so I secretly listened in on their conversation. Unfortunately, it was very loud in the restaurant, but I did hear the words "Jonas Brothers", "next concert", and "M-16". What do you guys think that means?"
(In a chat room, make sure to rant on for a few minutes and mingle with the JB fans for a bit, THEN post this. They might get suspicious if you do it right away.)
- People said that the Jonas Brothers were the next generation Beatles? I know you guys can't hear me, but I'm laughing as hard as possible right now.
Limerick Style
There once were three stupid brothers
Who were all each other's gay lovers
They sang and they played
and they got overpaid
and probably all screwed their mother
This terrible brotherly band
Was the worst in all the land
They weren't very good
and men gave them wood
and they held each other's nuts in their hands
Haiku Style
sucking at guitar
they have way too many fans
play your instruments
Did you know?
- That they are the next celebrities to die this year?
- That on March 4th, 2009, eBaum's World decided to spam the fuck out of a Jonas Brothers forum? Gore and goatse was posted, lulz were had.
- That the Jonas Brothers take credit for inventing the word "Pwned"?
- That many of the Jonas Brothers fans threatened to kill themselves because they lost the Grammys to Adele?
- That the Jonas Brothers were named the worst band ever at the NME Awards? No, srsly.
- Screaming your complete and utter adoration of the Jonas Brothers during a concert as loud as you can actually does single you out from every other thirteen year old girl in America?
- That every time Nick complains about his diabeetus, he makes $9,001?
- That every time Kevin sings, an African baby dies?
- That according to IMDB, their 3D concert movie is ranked as
one ofthe shittiest moviesof all time? - not in the bottom 100 anymore ... - That the first row of a concert of the Jonas Brothers has got 300 legs and no pubes?
- That all of the Jonas Brothers raped your little brother? (Oh, no wait, that's good.)
- That their fans actually count the number of days in between comments on their myspace?
Traits of a Jonas Fan
- Claims that any Jonas hater is jealous because they do not have the talent that the Jonas Brothers have
- They are "hot", therefore they are the best band evaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Usually claims to love rock music, but not even knowing about bands like Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, The Beatles, Nirvana, CCR, AC/DC or well, any non-Disney sponsored 'Rock'.
- When asked if they know who the Rolling Stones are. they reply "um,well they were on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine!!!
- Type anything like the following comment in response to a jonas hate video: "Guess whoo?!?! Its me again=)aren't you glad?well anyway,you suck(and here's why): 1.your ugly 2.you hate everything 3.you hate everything better than you and everthing that's awsome 4.your plain because all you say is something sucks(and here's why) 5.your a cornball(since ur so stupid by calling you a cornball it means ur corny and I have so many other reasons.well,bye gonna enjoy my life(I have one unlike you)=)" (made by mrsjoejonas1284 of youtube, troll for massive lulz)(also be sure to troll MrsNickXJonasBrother)
- A youtube user pinkdollystar has recently made an incredibly gay statement. "if only edward cullen was real, he could bite me & JB & we could live together for eternity. <33 ". This shows the extreme faggotry of JB fans
- Claims how they are 16 or 18 years old in chatrooms like meebo but can't even realize that they are always being played by guests who change their nicknames to 'Nick Jonas
Yahoo! Answers
As Yahoo! Answers is predominated by 12 year old girls and 30 year old pedophiles (the demographies making up the bulk of the Jonas Brothers' fanbase), you can only imagine the amounts of sheer failure and faggotry that are pumped into Yahoo's servers daily. Questions such as "wut iz nicks personel fone #!?!?!?!!!11!1" and "duz joe acept rim jobs frum fans?!?!!11" are commonplace.
Jonas fantards lurk about the Celebrity section, ready to defend their favorite faggots with their powers of shitty grammar and flawed logic at a moment's notice. As you have undoubtedly discovered, most 12 year-old girls would rather have a hot poker jammed up their loli pussy than hear another person talk shit about their "fave rawk band". Couple this with the fact that the Jonas Brothers are easily the most discussed band on the boards, and you have a prime trolling ground.
 Prime Trolling Ground |
 Apparently, you must find all members of a band attractive in order to be a "true fan". The logic of your average 12 year-old girl. |
 A sickeningly disturbing post from a mentally ill fucktard that thinks she's in love, but obviously needs to have her shit kicked up. |
 Why are the Jonas Brothers' lips so shiny? |
 Proof God doesn't exist. Why would he create such faggotry? |
Songs they destroyed/made worse
- "Fix You" by Coldplay
- "Free Fallin'" by Tom Petty
- "Gravity" by John Mayer
- "Take On Me" by A-ha
- "Twenty-four" by Switchfoot
- "Superstition" by Stevie Wonder
- "So Far Away" by Carole King
- "Thinking Of You" by Katy Perry
- "Sweet Caroline" by Neil Diamond
- "Halo" by Beyonce Knowles
- "I Gotta Feeling" by The Black Eyed Peas
- "Hello Goodbye" by The Beatles(no, not even John, Paul, Goerge, and Ringo are safe from their faggotry.)
Future bullshit
J.O.N.A.S., premiering in May 2009, is yet ANOTHER shitty Disney show similar to Hannah Montanna. Actually, it's more like an EXACT FUCKING COPY OF IT! The only difference is that a retarded jailbait hillbilly fuckwit isn't the main character. This time around, it's much worse. We now have three fagbag disgraces to the music industry prancing around, delivering shitty, unoriginal and unfunny lines and creating a bunch of bullshit drama that most viewers of the show wish they had to go through. Too bad no guy likes to date a delusional aspie. The only reason any guy would watch this show is that when their girlfriend gets excited enough, they'll agree to sex without question. A sequel to Camp Rock is rumored to be made, because Disney is just SOOOOOO fucking original. They're also said to be starring in a movie entitled Walter the Farting Dog, which has to be the most homo-erotic, bestiality-related movie title ever devised. The plot consists of the Jonas Brothers and their little brother Frankie raping Walter repeatedly. A consecutive 45 minutes of rape is said to occur throughout the film. Some sub-plot involving Miley Cyrus's love for Frankie is prominent, but not enough to make up for the main storyline.
Pictures
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See Also
- Mario Armando Lavandeira Jr - A ghey pedo that can't stop blogging about this "band".
- Attention Whore
- Sell Out
- MTV
- Fangirl
- Twinks
- Fail
- 12 year old girls
- Disney
- Vanessa Hudgens
- Miley Cyrus
- The Antichrist
- The Anti-Disney Movement
- Buttsecks
- Free Realms
External Links
Troll 'Ems
- The Jonas Brothers' YouTube page
- The Jonas Brothers' MySpace page
- The Jonas Brothers' OFFICIAL Website
- One of the Jonas Brothers' fansites
- Another Jonas Brothers' fansite
- Another completely gay fansite
- YET Another gay fansite (Caution: Wear shades.)
- Image macros made by Jonas fans professing their undying love
- The Jonas Brothers Fan Group ON JEWTUBE!
- Another response video
- A Jonas Fan's response video
A fan calls for an end to Jonas hate
For The Cause/Lulz
- a Jonas Brothers 'fan fiction' (send to fansites plz)
- The Jonas Brothers Get Raped
- Re-enacted history of the Jonas Brothers' life
- The Urban Dictionary definition of Jonas Brothers
- The Jonas Brothers according to Larry Hagman in Oliver Stone's Nixon
- JOHOEZ HATERS FORUMS
- Chelsea Handler vs. the Jonas Brothers: Part 1
- Chelsea Handler vs. the Jonas Brothers: Part 2
- Chelsea Handler vs. the Jonas Brothers: Part 3 (fanmail)
- A troll video
- Another troll video
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