Ty Ziegel
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Ty Ziegel is a United States Marine Corps officer who got turned into the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man by an Iraqi suicide bomber in 2004. Instead of running away from the burning truck he threw a temper tantrum and wouldn't leave without his Pokemon cards. When he got back home he became a symbol of undying love when he married his girlfriend in a ceremony that was equal parts romance and guro. True love didn't last long for Ty when his wife realized that she was sorta hott and didn't have to fuck a full-grown Harlequin Ichthyosis Fetus.
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JOIN THE ARMY
Though it doesn't look like it now, Ty Ziegel was once an ordinary person, just like You and Me. Ty had a pretty - albeit chubby - girl, and a nice, quiet hometown. However, Ty was a patriotic man, and the events of 9/11 made him realize that he wanted to personally hunt down and kill every friggin sandnigger he could get his hands on. So he joined the Marines.
Sometime along his second tour, he was driving along the Syrian border, minding his own business. Suddenly a suicide bomber jumped out in front of his Hummer, shit got a little crazy and he ended up being the human version of Zippocat.
Back in White Trash, Indiana, Ty's betrothed, Renee, was enjoying a day of fucking her neighbor while her fiancee was away. Suddenly the phone rang. She learned the horrible news about Ty. Quickly she ran outside and whistled for a cab and when it came near, the license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror. If anything I could say that this cab was rare, but I thought, "Nah, forget it. Yo homes to Bel-Air!"
Recovery and Marriage
When Renee saw her fiancee again, he was seriously fucked up. One arm was missing past the forearm and his remaining hand had only two fingers. His big toe was grafted on in place of a thumb. One eye was blind and milky, as if melted, and his ears had been burnt away. The top of his skull had been removed and inserted by doctors into the fatty tissue inside his torso to keep it viable and moist for future use. He was a fucking disaster. And he was in a coma to boot.
Doctors feverishly worked to keep Ty alive. Some 15 surgeries and 18 months later Ty emerged a new man. A new man who looked like a fucking zombie. Nevertheless, Renee was a sturdy, midwestern girl. She couldn't let a little thing like her man being turned into a pork rind get in the way of true love, after all. A few months later, the happy couple was married, making for one of the most hilariously terrifying wedding photos of all time.
Divorce
You've likely seen the wedding photo of the wounded Iraq War soldier and the woman who stuck by him through his recovery. After being married for just over a year, the couple is now divorced.
Birth of a Meme
Ty would have probably led a life that was relatively normal if it weren't for the heroic actions of one crazed Btard with a fetish for capturing disfigured soldiers. She was there at the wedding to document the entire thing. When a nation was confronted with these gruesome images, they gave a collective gasp and ask, "Holy shit! Are these shooped?" After figuring out that this monster did indeed exist, the public was so awed that they gave the artist an award.
Naturally, B smelled blood in the water and turned Ty into a mini meme. Ty's image was cruelly photomanipulated over and over again, usually with the caption "'JOIN THE ARMY' THEY SAID," - a quote from the hit game, Halo. This infuriated the two or three Republican faggots who hang out on B, predictably leading to butthurt flame wars and epic lulz.
Ty Today
Ty continued to support the war in Iraq and President Bush despite his terminal case of ugly and spawned new nick name "1 EYE TY". To this day he will stoically defend the administration that turned him into a walking sideshow. Ty's brother is a Marine as well, and probably hopes the suicide bomber who hits his convoy when he is deployed to Iraq kills him instead of making him into his brother.
Meanwhile he was having some marital problems with Renee. She was getting a bit sick of getting humped by Sloth from the Goonies. Ty had also become incapable of doing a lot of basic things on his own, a remnant of being in a coma for over a year and losing his dominant hand. Finally after about a year of marriage, she decided to GTFO while she was still young and attractive enough to get a decent-looking husband.
| —The Times.uk Article, lol sweet irony |
Experts agree that it is only a matter of time before Ty plays the shotgun mouthwash card and becomes an hero.
