Jesus
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
| Offended? Possibly, you are offended by the content of this page. If so, please click here, and scroll to the bottom. |
According to the bible, Jesus was God's magic flying jew son, who could rise from the dead. He was featured as a Mary Sue character in a shitty Jewish slashfic called the Bible, even though all he did was troll on ppl IRL, and eventually got killed for pissing everybody off (See Trolling). He had many fanbois over the years, and was the inspiration for the Crusades, the Spanish Inquisition, and the Holocaust. Jesus is also personally responsible for every sports championship ever, but with a preference for nude Brazilian man meat.
Contents |
The Myth of Jesus
Coincidentally born on Christmas day in the year 0 D.C.(Durning Christ) to Mary and, if the rumors are true, God (a paternity test is pending). According to local legend, Jesus (pronounced "Hay-soos") hatched out of a chocolate egg (as all Jews are) in a barn because his step-dad, Joseph, was typical too cheap to get a room that night for his 9 month pregnant wife. Three guys with gold, incest, and embalming fluids followed an alien space ship to Bethlehem, where Jesus was located, because they heard he was the Jew King hatchling, and they were in deep trouble with their taxes.
Little is known of Jesus' childhood, but he was probably pretty stuck up and liked to mess with people's heads given that he was the Son of God. But according to the Infancy Gospel of St Thomas, the young Jesus once killed a boy for beating him in a race and caused an entire village to go blind for not recognizing his divinity.
As an adult, Jesus became something of a New Age guru, and is widely considered to be the first hippie. He taught peace, love, unity, and respect, thereby making him the first Raver also. And he also taught that people should live without many possessions - and the possessions they did have they should be open to sharing them - which also made him the first commie. He had a group of guys called the Apostles who followed him around trying to look cool, but Jesus really thought they were all douchebags.
In 33 AD Jesus became an hero when he pissed the Romans off by BAWWWWWing at them for losing his iPod. The Romans proceeded to nail him to a piece of wood, where he died (lol pwned). Please note that over 9000 other criminals were also nailed to a piece of wood to die, however noone makes a big deal about the crucificatiownage of someone they don't care about. Two hundred eye witnesses to Jesus' crucifiction claim they witnessed Jesus having an erection.
Also note that according to the bible, Jesus rose from the dead. Christians celebrate this by telling their children a giant bunny rabbit left chocolate eggs in the night.
JEWS DID JESUS!
There were over 9,000 Jews present at the IRL banning of our lord and savior. Although there is no record of who exactly committed the act of douchery, it is easy to see that along with all the other atrocities in the world's history (including the invention of ZIMA and The View), it's the Jews' fault. The motives for this pwnage seem obvious, but over the last few years we have learned about the culture of these Seinfeld-worshiping kikes and further evidence points to the fact that these fuckers probably did it simply for lulz.
Since Jewsus was a Jew, he also did himself, which is why he's God's favorite son.
According to the Bible, though, the Jews killed Jesus as a human sacrifice to Yahweh to lift some curse on them. Yahweh loves blood sacrifices since the time when Abel gave him the first blood offering and Yahweh rebuffed Cain's plant offering. In return for the Jews killing Jesus as a human sacrifice, he made all Jews rich and gave them control of all the banks and the media. Though it might also be from the secret human sacrifices that Jews perform of Christian babies all the time - it's true! Ask Iran or Mel Gibson! Then there was the human sacrifice when the Jews flew remote-controlled airplanes into the twin towers and then collapsed the buildings with mini hydrogen bombs.
Europeans have never been able to forgive the Jews for unleashing their proselytist Jewish sect upon them, despite all recent efforts of redemption.
Jesus Christ: The Musical
Whilst returning back on Earth, Jesus made his own musical. Fortunately he was pwned by an oncoming bus:
The Real Jesus: The Zombie Jesus
Too many butthurts.
Lol Jesus
"lol Jesus" is a meme where Jesus speaks l337speak and pwns people with the fact he is Jesus.
Jesus Fanfic
The life and times of Jesus were recorded in fanfic form by his four biggest fanboys — Matthew, Mark, Luke and John — shortly after his death. Later, their works were compiled by a basement-dweller nerd named Peter into the "New Testament". Initial sales were stagnant, however, and so after conducting numerous focus groups and hiring many expensive consultants, the title was changed to Jesus: The Reckoning. Subsequent sales skyrocketed, thereby propelling the publisher — Catholic Church, Inc. — into global prominence.
Today, with Jesus fandom on the wane, The Reckoning is typically published as an anthology in conjunction with the so-called "Old Testament". This saves on printing costs, and has served to bolster sales, though one may still need to order the book at Amazon since many bookstores have stopped carrying it.
The last part of the book, called Revelations, talks of the Armageddon, where God pwns and gets all the lulz.
Jesus Fanfic Example
"Oh Lord," I moaned softly, nuzzling my face into His beard. "Oh my Lord Jesus," I whispered, as His hand wrapped around my stiffening member. My eyes shut tight, my hips began rising to meet His tender strokes, I could hardly believe what was happening to me. I was being pleasured by the Lord of Hosts! My balls tightened against my body, my hips moving erratically. "Jesus...I'm going to..." And His voice was like sweet honey as He answered me, "Let it come, child." My seed sprayed high into the air, jetting upwards in spurt after glorious spurt; onto His face, into His hair, and over His beautiful nail-scarred hands. It took me a moment to catch my breath as I lay there, shuddering in His lap, but finally I whispered, "Will this ever happen again, Lord?" And He just smiled at me and said, "Well, child, this *is Heaven..."
How to Pluralize
Incorrect: "Jesii" ("Hey, Ma! I went to the church and got me a whole lotta them Jesii.")
Correct: "Jesoi' ("There are fifteen Jesoi in the Bible. By the way, my good man, did you happen to go to that Noam Chomsky lecture the other day? I was too busy translating Etruscan.").
Jesus Facts
- Jesus was a CONVICTED CRIMINAL.
- Jesus makes a cameo in the Koran but he's not Allah's son and Allah only makes it look like he was crucified,
so what was the fucking point?!apparently he comes back on judgment day to kill the infidels and restore justice. - Makes celebrity appearances on bread.
- Knows his cunnilingus.
- Jesus was meant to return last year in an immaculate conception but was aborted.
- Is not allowed within 50 feet of any public school in both New York State and Oregon.
- Jesus does not like to be fucked in the wristholes or footholes.
- Jesus says that he was too drunk at the time to remember turning water into wine, but also says he thinks it was actually Jack Daniel's because wine is for pussies.
- Jesus occasionally guest-stars on TV's South Park. Nobody is sure if he's making good on a bet or if he's just hard up for cash.
- Any person living in that area during Jesus' time would have had the skintone of an Arab. Be sure to tell Christians this as the thought of a black Jesus will drive them batshit insane.
- The purpose of Israeli special forces Mossad is to prepare for Jesus' return so that he can be killed again.
- Was a JEW and by de facto did WTC.
- Was not only a jew but the jews' instrument to control all Monotheists except the Zoroasthrians.
- If Jesus is the Messiah, David Koresh is the Lord of the Universe.
- Was responsible for your childhood pet dying and is torturing it as we speak.
- Had no sense of humor.
- Hated Jay-Jay the Jet plane.
- Has been known that during his life all members of dreamtheater have inhabited his body
Rule 34
"Oh Lord," I moaned softly, nuzzling my face into His beard. "Oh my Lord Jesus," I whispered, as His hand wrapped around my stiffening member.
My eyes shut tight, my hips began rising to meet His tender strokes, I could hardly believe what was happening to me. I was being pleasured by the Lord of Hosts!
My balls tightened against my body, my hips moving erratically. "Jesus...I'm going to..."
And His voice was like sweet honey as He answered me, "Let it come, child."
My seed sprayed high into the air, jetting upwards in spurt after glorious spurt; onto His face, into His hair, and over His beautiful nail-scarred hands.
It took me a moment to catch my breath as I lay there, shuddering in His lap, but finally I whispered, "Will this ever happen again, Lord?"
And He just smiled at me and said, "Well, child, this *is Heaven..."
Sexual Facts about Jesus
- Getting a good hot dicking from Jesus cures all disease, except for AIDS. Because God hates niggers.
- ATM with Jesus tastes like strawberries and whipped cream.
Jesus Second Cumming
Nuff said
Bel-Air
Now this is a story all about how my
Life got flipped turned upside down
And I'd like to take a minute just sit right there
I'll tell you how I become the prince of a town called Bethlehem
In west Jerusalem born and raised
On the playground is where I spent most of my days
Chillin' out, maxin', relaxin', all cool
And all converting some Hebrews outside of the school
When a couple of guys they were up to no good
They tried to nail me to a cross of wood.
I got in one little fight and my mom got scared
And said, "You're going on a 26 year absence somewhere”
I whistled for a cab and when it came near
The license plate said God and it had dice in the mirror
If anything I could say that this cab was rare
But I thought, "Nah, forget it. Yo home to God's heir!"
I pulled up to the temple about 7 or 8
And I yelled to the cabby yo holmes smell ya later
Looked at my kingdom I was finally used
To sit on my throne as the prince of the Jews.
Gallery
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
| Gallery of Jesus with Guns | |||||||||||
|
|||||||||||
|
See Also
- BSDM
- Bible
- Jesus is Hitler
- Jesus Tortilla
- Mary Sue
- Moses
- Muhammad
- Necrophilia
- Raptorjesus
- Tom Cruise
- Zombie
Links
- Loljesus.com
- Super Saiyan Jesus
- Jesus RPG Adventure video game
- Free Jesus-based iPhone?
- Jesus' DNA
- Jesus now has a MySpace.
- Seeing Jesus H. Christ
| Jesus is part of a series on Religion 
|
Deities Prophesies Religious Holidays Religious Icons Fanclubs ArchVillians Key: * represents a Deity or Holiday of Trollianity.
|
|---|
