Pennywise
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Pennywise the Clown (not the punk band of fail by the same name) is every child's favorite playmate. Actually, every child is Pennywise's favorite playmate, too. Typically referred to as "It", Pennywise can be spotted around children in an attempt to lure them into his clutches. This pedo clown from hell will stop at nothing to find a child he can have for his own. Once he wakes up from his sleep, Pennywise will stalk the known world for a child he can "float" down to his lair located in the sewers of a small Americunt town named Derry. More like shIT, amirite?
Pennywise can be spotted on the *chan boards, usually making a cameo appearance in various threads about random shit and CP. Therefore, Pennywise is sort of like the moar creepy version of Pedobear, though not as popular. If Pennywise is spotted, he will typically be ignored by most, but some loyal /b/tards will give him some time. After all, he eats children.
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Origins
This section of the article is completely factual, taken directly from the book It. It is so because Stephen King speaks truth. Don't believe it? Read, motherfucker.
Sometime before the universe took its final form (in the Macroverse, durrr), Pennywise didn't really have a name until children actually began seeing it. According to the first children who saw him, his real name is Robert Gray and he settles, in all places, in a little town in Maine. So the ultimate evil being from the Macroverse decided it was time to settle on a planet, Earth, and a small portion of that earth in Derry, Maine. Obviously Pennywise, It, Robert Gray, etc is not very big on outside the box thinking.
Pennywise actually has an enemy - a giant turtle who represents all that is good in the Macroverse. The turtle actually created the Macroverse and other universes a long time ago, way before Pennywise was created. But the turtle and Pennywise were both created by an even more superior form called The Other. So the turtle and Pennywise hate each other, but for some reason, the turtle chooses not to kill Pennywise because, after all, he's a fucking slow-moving turtle.
So Pennywise originally started feasting on little Indian kids before settlers arrived and began recording his pedo activities. Apparently every 27 years he comes out from the sewer and takes a kid ripe for raping. This trend continues for at least 100 years, until last Thursday when a group of kids decide they've had enough and think it's time to kill him. So, armed with silver and battery acid (which is actually inhaler shit), they try to kill him, but it isn't enough. Pennywise returns 27 years later and is up to his typical tricks. Now the kids who beat him before are all grow'd up. Apparently, this time Pennywise chooses his spider form, making him "It". So, like a creative genius, the gang kills It by throwing silver at it and it lands in what King refers to as his deadlights. The story ends with them destroying Pennywise's clown eggs or some shit like that.
Obviously, not only is Stephen King a bad writer, he's also batshit insane.
Confused with Pennywise
Pennywise has been greatly misconstrued with other heaping piles of fail. Below is just a small sampling of the abuse this poor clown has endured throughout his career as a child-loving miscreant.
- Juggalos who think dressing up as a clown and listening to shitty music is cool. These dipshits actually believe in Shaggy's dreams about clowns telling him the future or something like that, but none of the clowns are Pennywise, which actually might be good, because we don't want those wigger-hos raping our babies, amirite?
- Pennywise the band. Full of fail, spewing liberal guilt and releasing blatant re-samplings of their songs leave this band scraping the bottom of the barrel. They actually named their band off the ill-fated clown, but never lived up to his expectations. Too bad. Of course, anyone who is or even claims to be a fan of that band is a crusty just asking for it. Epic lulz can be had with explaining why their band sucks and that naming it after a pedo clown is never a good idea unless you can identify with him.
- Random fucktards from /x/, a 4chan board. It is a known fact that all people from /x/ get scared over the smallest hint of paranormal shit, so seeing Pennywise makes them shit bricks with a passion. Of course, so does conspiracy theories, ghosts, Illuminati, your mom, fucked up creatures that are actually dead dogs, etc.
- Other evil clowns. Killer clowns from outer space, the Joker, Daniele Fiorenza, they all pale in comparison to the vile which is Pennywise. Plus, most of them originate from movies that are shit. Don't be fooled.
- Tim Curry, who played Pennywise in the movie It. Nothing more than a D actor who has spent his entire life taking bit roles and being satisfied with that. Not even the real Pennywise can fail that hard.
Pennywise in Action
Gather your children near and have them take note at the following video. Pennywise can assume various forms, though he's usually a fat-ass clown with yellow eyes and an impressive array of teeth. Most of the time, however, he prefers to attack kids because they're easily afraid and are just easier to catch. Sewers, shower rooms, green fields, tricycles, you name it, he could be there. Why? He's that hungry. So lock your doors and bar your windows - Pennywise is the ultimate in pedophile stalker technology. Kind of like a Pedobear squared.
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Some examples. |
Moar examples |
What to do if attacked by Pennywise
First, if you're actually reading any of this article and taking notes, study these handy steps carefully. They may save your life, or get you one step closer to that dream of a fucking padded room in the basement of a mental institution. So, if you encounter Pennywise, be sure to do the following (in this order, and don't skip a step):
- Verify that the clown in question is indeed Pennywise. You cannot unsee him.
- Listen to what he's going to say. It will be lulzy.
- Shout "HOLY SHIT A FUCKING NIGGER'S UNDER THAT MAKEUP."
- Throw silver at him.
- Don't stare at his deadlights.
- Shout "THIS IS BATTERY ACID!" and watch him melt.
- If all else fails, throw a random kid or some cornbread at him.
- Just as I planned.
- Wait 27 years to do it again.
Gallery of Pennywise
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