Hockey

From Encyclopedia Dramatica

A typical Hockey circlejerk.

Hockey, or Thugs On Ice is a recognized, contact sport played on a thick sheet of ice while standing on shoes with a strip of metal at the bottom. The game is much like Capture The Flag, in that each team takes turns trying to run the "flag" (in hockey's case, a thick, hard disc made of vulcanized rubber) into the opposing team's zone, (in this case "the net"), without losing consciousness or teeth.

Though the National Hockey League (NHL) is played in both Canada and America, every player is Canadian (even the black one) and hockey is Canadia's national pastime, (and -as such- is the leading cause of Canadians being called "Hockey Pucks").

Meanwhile, in America, hockey is the official sport of shit nobody cares about. This was demonstrated to effectively during the strike-shortened season of a year nobody can remember when nobody noticed that nobody was playing or reporting about hockey.

In actuality

How hockey is really played.

Hockey isn't a sport, it's a combination of three activities. The first being ice skating, second being golf and third being a fist fight (unless you are Cindy Crosby, then it is a punch to the taint). Players skate while using a golf club-like device (called a stick) to control the motion of the puck into the opposing team's goal, or a spectator's teeth.

Each city is just as big on their own team, like any other sport. However, some teams are quite important:

Monroeville Zombies
San Jose Sharks, if only for the lulz.
Pittsburgh Penguins - Cindy Crosby the Stagediver provides much lulz.

The rules of Hockey

An "Official"

Referees wear striped shirts and jump really high. Try not to beat them while in a fight.
Don't fake an injury/tripping too often, you'll be called a faggot.
After each call a face-off will be had at any 9 locations on the "rink".
Goalies should be rammed into head-first at any given opportunity. If you knock them into the "cage", extra points are awarded to your team.
Most games end in something called "Sudden Death", where the score continues, and will end, 0-0.
Helmets are to be worn at all times, should you get a razor-sharp skate to the head it will cushion the blow.

The game itself has 3 periods, each lasting a regulated twenty minutes. Should a stalemate be reached, Overtime will commence. Should a stalemate continue, a shootout will take place.

Power Plays occur when a team has more players than the opposition, either due to a penalty or not having a goalie, often seen in Sudden Death.