Heterosexual
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
(Redirected from Heterosexuality)
The fate of most heteros...
A heterosexual is a male who is so afraid of the world that he tries to return to the womb by exploring a woman's vagina. In addition to this unconscious wish for incest, heterosexual men have a greater propensity for rape, domestic abuse, and other violent crimes than do normal (that is, "gay") men.
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Comments often made by heterosexuals
- "Mom, take care of my baby so i can finish the sixth grade"
- "Where is my husband's child support?"
- "We’re getting a divorce and the baby will have to go back and forth between my husband and me forcing the little guy to suffer with no alternative to go for 18 years"
- "My husband and I are fat-asses yet we are going to make a baby give him the same genes forcing him to be an ugly fat-ass too"
- "I don't feel like taking care of my kid so I am going to kill it upon birth through something called abortion"
- "That dude I didn't get to know whom I fucked took off so now this baby I’m having isn't going to know his daddy"
- "I’m sending my baby off to some child adoption facility so he can live at a facility for a bunch of years until a strange family decides that they'll buy him that adopted baby of mine won't know any diseases that run through his family because we don't want to accept responsibility for our actions"
- "This kid is growing up living his life poor as hell because we were stupid and decided to make a baby when we couldn't afford it"
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Effeminacy and Heterosexuality
Homosexuals are erroneously connected with effeminacy by many heterosexuals. These heterosexuals are just presumptive and wouldn't assume a manly man walking down the street is gay even though it's wholly possible that this manly man is gay or bi. Despite that, the anti-gay heterosexuals tend to assume all the campy guys are gay and all the manly guys are straight and usually never the in between of being bisexual. Hell, there's even a word devoted to effeminate straight men; the metrosexual male. The popularity of straight men acting metrosexual has grown immensely popular. With str8 men like Chet off of the Real World, the Backstreet Boys and Nsync, it's astonishing how so many heterosexual connect effeminacy with homosexuality.
How to Identify Heterosexuals
Males:
- General ignorance
- Mindless personalities that match their monotone "I'm a dude" voice.
- A chav, douchebag, or guido.
- Avoidance of child support
- Unsafe around little girls.
- Finds Dane Cook funny.
- Can identify more than two Allied or Axis powers or a type of plane used in WWII.
- Secretly wishes to have sex with Brad Pitt.
- Has watched Meatspin all the way to the point until they're considered gay, but still deny the fact.
- Calls you a faggot because you like to watch Basketball instead of Football, which makes perfect sense.
- If all else fails, stick a cock in his ass. If he has an irrational violent response, he's probably a heterosexual.
Females:
- Cry a lot
- Cannot field-strip an assault rifle
- Cannot name more than three Indigo Girls songs
- Also able to identify more than two allied or Axis powers or a type of plane used in WWII.
- Get almost raped a lot
- Pretends to be lesbian in order to get male attention
- Also pretends not to love teh cock
- Feminazi
Interactions with Heterosexuals (aka "Dances with Breeders")
Interactions with Female Heterosexuals
- Fags: Heterosexuals are known for being several months to several years behind the curve on all things hip (particularly those that involve fabric for some reason). For this reason, heterosexual women may ask you to give them makeovers, redecorate their apartments, or go shopping with them—or worst of all, teach them to smoke a pole. No matter what you do, do not give in to their requests. As the saying goes, you can lead a whore to Prada but you can't make her think. As with baby birds fallen from a nest, it's best to let nature take its course. No one likes a gay guy with eighty billion dateless straight whores clinging to them like those little maggoty things in the Chamber of Ordeals in Twilight Princess. Heterosexuals will suck the awesome out of you until you become an arrogant, fashion-retarded douche. They do this in hopes that you will enjoy being an arrogant, fashion-retarded douche SO much that you will be compelled to give them teh cock and be straight. The best thing to do is make them think their "magic" is working, and use them to seduce their straight boyfriends.
- Dykes: Heterosexual females will annoy the shit out of you with bullshit like "ur so lucky to be a lesbian omg cuz u dont have to suck dick." They will complain to you about men incessantly, hoping to play on your natural inborn hatred of all cockbearers. This is an excellent opportunity to get them to fill out an application. Start by agreeing that leaving the toilet seat up is an unforgivable sin (even though you yourself probably pee standing up), then gradually work towards loaning her your Birkenstocks and maybe even taking her to a Womyn's Music Festival. Before you know it, you'll be one step closer to your monthly quota. If the dumb bitch's incessant whining becomes too much, you can always give her an application to gurochan instead.
Interactions with Male Heterosexuals
- Fags: Heterosexual males are all secretly gay, and dress and groom poorly merely to divert attention from their inner queer. Another fact that proves this is that men like to watch other men get sweaty, spank each other and play with some balls (also known as sports). Turns out men really have no problem showering together or comparing their penis size with other men. In fact, one of the ways men prove how manly they are is participating in circle jerks with their "open-minded" friends. Gay men should remember this at all times and flirt with them shamelessly. Remember: the free $100 Barney's gift certificate is available every ten recruits.
- Dykes: Heterosexual men will either ask you exactly what it is you do in bed, or will attempt to involve you in a three-way with their heterosexual (or possibly bi-curious) girlfriend. In response to the former, make shit up—the more physiologically or morally unlikely, the better. Bonus points for including any sort of complex mechanical or electrical apparatus that does not belong in the pu55y, such as in-ground garden sprinkler systems. For the latter, see above. If you come to the man's house and you find out his bi-curious girlfriend doesn't actually exist and this was all a lie to have sex with you, you can do two things. A). Pretend you were almost raped and bitch about it on Livejournal or B). Rape him in the ass with a strap on.
Heterosexual Super Powers
Heterosexuals also possess the creepy ability to make people out of nothing, a form of black magic some seek to eradicate which others believe entitles them to be treated like gods. They are also known to possess a sonar which allows them to detect homosexuality from a mile away, although some argue that this is achieved merely by labeling as gay anyone who doesn't talk about their dick at least once every five minutes.
See Also
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Heterosexual is part of a series on Gay Republicans and Closet Cases. | ||
