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Heterosexual

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According to a Google Image Search, this is what the ever-elusive anti-heterosexual man looks like.

A heterosexual is a male who is so afraid of the world that he tries to return to the womb by exploring a woman's vagina. In addition to this unconscious wish for incest, heterosexual men have a greater propensity for rape, domestic abuse, and other violent crimes than do normal (that is, "gay") men.

1 How to Identify Heterosexuals
2 Encounters with Heterosexuals
3 Interactions with Heterosexuals (aka "Dances with Breeders")
- 3.1 Interactions with Female Heterosexuals
- 3.2 Interactions with Male Heterosexuals
4 Heterosexual Super Powers
5 List of Heterosexuals
6 See Also

[edit] How to Identify Heterosexuals

Heteros? With hair like that? Bitch, please.

Males:

General ignorance
Big pot bellies
Avoidance of child support
Unsafe around little girls.
Finds Dane Cook funny.
Can identify more than two Allied or Axis powers or a type of plane used in WWII.
Secretly wishes to have sex with men.
If all else fails, stick a cock in his ass. If he has an irrational violent response, he's probably a heterosexual.

Females:

Cry a lot
Cannot field-strip an assault rifle
Cannot name more than three Indigo Girls songs
Also able to identify more than two Allied or Axis powers or a type of plane used in WWII.
Get almost raped a lot
Pretends to be lesbian in order to get male attention
Also pretends not to love teh cock
Feminazi

[edit] Encounters with Heterosexuals

Don't drink in mixed company

Should you encounter a heterosexual male in its natural habitat:

Don't do anything. Unless you are a heterosexual woman, in which case you should resign yourself to a life with these bruish assholes.
Should you encounter a heterosexual on LiveJournal:
- Pinch yourself
- You should wake up promptly

- Occasionally a breeder will mistake a homo for a friend, or worse, a maid, in which case surprise sex should be immediately initiated. They won't make that mistake again.

[edit] Interactions with Heterosexuals (aka "Dances with Breeders")

CHB keeping it reals

[edit] Interactions with Female Heterosexuals

Fags: Heterosexuals are known for being several months to several years behind the curve on all things hip (particularly those that involve fabric for some reason). For this reason, heterosexual women may ask you to give them makeovers, redecorate their apartments, or go shopping with them—or worst of all, teach them to smoke a pole. No matter what you do, do not give in to their requests. As the saying goes, you can lead a whore to Prada but you can't make her think. As with baby birds fallen from a nest, it's best to let nature take its course. No one likes a gay guy with eighty billion dateless straight whores clinging to them like those little maggoty things in the Chamber of Ordeals in Twilight Princess. Heterosexuals are parasites on gay male awesomeness, and will suck the awesome out of you until you become an arrogant, fashion-retarded douche. They do this in hopes that you will enjoy being an arrogant, fashion-retarded douche SO much that you will be compelled to give them teh cock and be straight. The best thing to do is make them think their "magic" is working, and use them to seduce their straight boyfriends.
Dykes: Heterosexual females will annoy the shit out of you with bullshit like "ur so lucky to be a lesbian omg cuz u dont have to suck dick." They will complain to you about men incessantly, hoping to play on your natural inborn hatred of all cockbearers. This is an excellent opportunity to get them to fill out an application. Start by agreeing that leaving the toilet seat up is an unforgiveable sin (even though you yourself probably pee standing up), then gradually work towards loaning her your Birkenstocks and maybe even taking her to a Womyn's Music Festival. Before you know it, you'll be one step closer to your monthly quota. If the dumb bitch's incessant whining becomes too much, you can always give her an application to gurochan instead.

[edit] Interactions with Male Heterosexuals

Fags: Heterosexual males are all probably secretly gay, and dress and groom poorly merely to divert attention from their inner queer. (The person who wrote the preceding statement used the word "probably" to convince himself that he's not gay, even though we all know that he wants nothing more than to suck a ten-inch-long nigger cock.) Gay men should remember this at all times and flirt with them shamelessly. Remember: the free $100 Barney's gift certificate is available every ten recruits.
Dykes: Heterosexual men will either ask you exactly what it is you do in bed, or will attempt to involve you in a threeway with their heterosexual (or possibly bi-curious) girlfriend. In response to the former, make shit up—the more physiologically or morally unlikely, the better. Bonus points for including any sort of complex mechanical or electrical apparatus that does not belong in the pu55y, such as in-ground garden sprinkler systems. For the latter, see above. If you come to the man's house and you find out his bi-curious girlfriend doesn't actually exist and this was all a lie to have sex with you, you can do two things. A). Pretend you were almost raped and bitch about it on Livejournal or B). rape him in the ass with a strap on.

[edit] Heterosexual Super Powers

Heterosexuals also possess the creepy ability to make people out of nothing, a form of black magic some seek to eradicate which others believe entitles them to be treated like gods. They are also known to possess a sonar which allows them to detect homosexuality from a mile away, although some argue that this is achieved merely by labeling as gay anyone who doesn't talk about their dick at least once every five minutes.