Hellsing
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Myth: This is a beautifully drawn anime with a well-developed intriguing plot and character growth and no furries whatsoever. Religion is realistically portrayed and this series is not at all goth or emo. Guns are all normal-sized.
Fact: Religion amounts to a bunch of random namedropping and a Catholic priest who can throw hundreds of knives at people in milliseconds. Guns are bigger than most army trucks. The villains are baby-eating Nazi vampires which, some argue, is a very entertaining thing. It's still about 100 times better than Twilight though.
A creation of someone's sickening imagination, probably driven by a mix of depression, gayness, and LSD mixed with rubbing alcohol. A script was not involved in the creation process. Interesting details: One of the few anime series that actually looks painful (knife licking, knife through neck, fork in eyes, etc.) The good guy is made of blood, is immortal, the biggest fucking Mary Sue since Enoby Dark'ness, and can turn into a big, black, eye-covered blob. The "master" figure is confirmed as a female in episode 10.
As of sometime last Thursday they were making a remake of the OAV that is supposed to pwn the original 13 episode series. The new OAV follows the manga more closely than it's disowned counterpart. Really, though, it's just the same thing with more knives and over 9000 people getting stabbed.
It's being done by Korean sweat shop children under the supervision of Disney and is complete and utter crap. Coloring is being done by a trained pack of Scottish Terriers who throw bucket-loads of color at once at the papers, making all the colors mismatch or otherwise make absolutely no sense.
Also Seras gets raped by zombies. Twice.
Contents |
TL;DR? Episode Synopsis!
Your average episode follows the following formula. I fucking dare you to challenge this flawless logic:
- There's a brutal murder.
- OSHIII VAMPIRES!!1111
- Call Hellsing/Alucard.
- Vampire challenges Alucard to exhibit its strength.
- Alucard initiates the hax
- Alucard gets shot, cut, burnt, raped, etc to no visible effect.
- Vampire shits itself and Alucard literally eats said zombie.
- ????
- PROFIT!
Main Characters
- Alucard: The main character and protagonist. Alucard is lame Vampire with a great big perpetual shit-eating grin on his face. Despite this, however, he possesses the power of God and cannot die. Unfortunately by some cruel twist of fate he is to be a servant to Lady Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing for the rest of his days.
Since his name is "DRACULA" backwards (OMG SUBTLETY!) there is perpetual fan debate over whether or not he is Dracula himself, Dracula's son or in fact, a mere jew.Was revealed in 8th volume that he is Dracula. SPOILER ALERT! ALUCARD DIES BY ABSORBING SCHRODINGER
- Seras Victoria: also known as Ceres, Celes, or Police Girl (because people are too fucking stupid to ever agree on names) is a 16-year-old slut cop who gets turned into a vampire. She becomes Alucard's servant after she gets a hardcore anal rape from him in volume one. Seras carries around a huge fucking gun called "Harkonnon" which possesses the spirit of Jon Stewart, whom talks to her while she sleeps. The only thing bigger than her gun, is her tits, which are size of Seattle on a stormy day during the second coming of Christ, making her the only fuckable character in the entire series. Surprisingly, she claims to be a virgin.
- Sir Integral Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing: A woman who dresses like a man. It should be noted that it takes the average reader AT LEAST 2 volumes before they discover she is a woman. She is a dyke who controls Alucard, and like a typical woman, bitches (literally) about everything and gives orders. Is she carrying ALucard's baby? She eventually dies of lung cancer because she smokes way too much for her own good.
- Walter C. Dornez: An old man who fought Hitler with fishing line. He is Integra's personal servant. He gets the shit pwned out of him by Alucard over 9,000 times for great justice.
- Father Anderson: Alucard's rival (which is fucking pointless, since Alucard can't be killed). He is a Catholic pedophile priest who works for the Vatican, and speaks with a fucking retarded Scottish accent. He fights with knives and pieces of paper, and is the only human character who can't be killed. Fortunately this is proven wrong in Volume 8 when he is brutally fucked by Alucard and turns into a tree.
- Captain Pip Bernadotte: The leader of some group of the mercenary group called "Cock of Cheese". He is a porn star who faps to Seras on a regular basis. It should also be noted that his accent and ethnicity changes every third day of the week.
- Major Whatshisname: The reincarnation of Hitler with hideous eating disorder, also known as Drew Carey's twin, who inevitably ignites World War 3 just for the lulz of it. He's also a cyborg. Seriously.
- Luke and Jan Valentine: An heroes who decided to go on a killing spree at Hellsing HQ. Unfortunately they only last for 1 volume.
- Rip Van Winkle: Despite the name, she's female. Her speech consists of quoting old Operas that nobody gives a shit about. She is nearsighted, and has the same dykish fashion sense as Integra. Despite being over 9000 years old she still looks like a 16 year old japanese schoolgirl. Because she considers herself to be serious business, she attempts to act like an opera star by caring around a musket as a weapon (which is instant fail since muskets are complete shit). Luckily, Alucard arrives to beat the shit out of her. Though to his dismay, the musket actually works. Fortunately it isn't enough to stop him and he ends up impaling her with his cock. In the OVA, her voice actor cums buckets as she dies. SUBTLE.
- Zorin Blitz: Yet another dike character. She takes steroids and carries a huge fucking scythe. She kills Pip, rapes Seras' mother and forces Seras to watch. Soon after, her head is literally ripped open by Seras who is mad for some strange reason.
- Schrödinger: Another character whose gender isn't cleary defined. Although argued by many, he's actually male. Schrödinger is a half-human half-werewolf furfaggot, invented by the Nazis. He is the only character who cannot be killed by Alucard due to the fact that he can be "Everyvhere und Novhere" at the same time.
- Tubalcain Alhambra: The wetback version of Gambit from X-Men. He attacks with exploding playing cards. Because of his immense faggotry, he is killed after only 1 volume.
- Incognito: An aborted fetus with AIDS. Gets fucked in the ass with a long pole. He is the least important character since he only appears only in the shitty TV anime.
Rating
- Action: 23 Stabbin' n' shootin' n' 'splodin', usually to a single person and all at the same time.
- Lulz: 3 Almost five minutes worth, mostly people getting violently murdered for no reason, which under few circumstances can be extremely funny. There's also baby eating, which is always a knee slapper.
- Furry Gayness: 1 there is a were-dog thing near the end. (5 if you count the catgirl werewolves in the manga and Schrodinger).
Gallery
| Gallery of Hirano's Wonders | |||||
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External links
- Hellsing on LJ - Full of self-important wankers who like telling each other "OMG! GET OUT OF MY FANDOM PLZ!!!11!one!!"
- Hecksing - What if 4kids got their hands on Hellsing..?
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Hellsing is part of a series on Anime. |
