Heavy Metal
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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Metal is usually mistaken for emo music, but there is 1 difference. Emos cut themselves and 'metalheads' cut other people and themselves.
"Okay, so Judas Priest fans are buying heavy metal records, listening to the records, and then blowing their heads off with shotguns? Where's the problem?" - Bill Hicks
Contents |
[edit] A short history of metal
One day Black Sabbath, at the time a shitty blues rock band (think Led Zeppelin), while having a band practice, noticed people were going to see a horror movie in the cinema opposite. One of them said "people pay to see scary film!!! we make scary music people pay to see us!!!" because at that point nobody was listening to them. This was the retarded idea that spawned heavy metal.
What is even more retarded, however, is that it worked.
The band started writing songs that were "scary", which basically translates as "about dragons". Their first album cover was 'scary' (see the picture). Ozzy talks about at this time hordes of girls fleeing from the band because they were 'scary' (not 'shitty', maybe, Ozzy?). This is also about the time that they got their name "Black Sabbath" from Jack Vance's Dying Earth series, which is basically what Terry Pratchett ripped off. It's supposed to be funny, not scary, Ozzy. Eventually, however, basement dwellers began to see a kind of music that nobody with any taste could possibly like - the World of Warcraft of music - and so the legion of heavy metal fans began.
Just as they were getting famous the stupid guitarist managed to mash up some fingers on his fretting hand while working in a sheet metal factory. In a parallel world this guitarist's fingers fell off and there is no heavy metal. Scientists are now more fervently looking into inter-dimensional travel because of this. However, the guitarist retained enough of his fingers to play, but they were sensitive, so he downtuned his guitar to make it easier to play. This is why metal has a deeper "heavier" sound. But think carefully - if a guy stupid enough to get his fingers cut off can play a downtuned guitar, imagine how fucking easy it is for any other retard to play a downtuned guitar. So began heavy metal, where any moron with a guitar can make a band (and, believe me, they do).
Black Sabbath released several shit albums that sold well to angst-ridden teens then Ozzy took lots of drugs and became the pathetic croaking dwarf-man-thing he is today.
Black Sabbath paved the way for more shit bands like AC/DC, which eventually helped the genre 'evolve' into something even less melodic or interesting:
- Pantera went from total gay glam metal music and moved to music that actually was well conceived (and listenable) in the term of "glam metal" and at the same time tricked all their fans into brainwashing them every time into buying something that says "Cowboys from Hell" on it.
- Judas Priest gave metal its gay fashion sense (see Metal Fashion) and also made some of its fans commit suicide through having Satanic messages in their music, which was the noblest act a Metal band ever performed.
- Metallica came along and removed lots of rock influence from metal, and created what is now known as Thrash metal. However, they decided to become ass rape Napster, so much so that we have to pay for music so Lars Ulrich can have a gold-plated shark tank next to his pool. The shit they played was very inspirational to bands like Pantera who proceeded to spawn shitty metalcore bands and pollute the world of metal as we know it today.
[edit] Metal "women"
There are no women metalheads, either as performers or fans. Unless you count fat-ugly dyke-like mongoloids as women -and I don't. Only men have the testosterone levels high enough to endlessly endure loud noises such as metal. Much of the men also resemble the women too. It is this lack of fuckable women that vies for position of metals' largest fail factor. However some of the female singers are fuckable such as Simone Simons or Angela Gossow.
[edit] Shredding
Many heavy metal guitarists use a technique called "shredding", which means playing lots of notes really fast. The average heavy metal fan is stupid enough to actually be impressed by this, as if when something is played faster it somehow becomes better or more complex. This makes about as much sense as being impressed by somebody repeatedly hitting a drum really fast - oh wait. Okay, it makes about as much sense as being impressed by a painting because it has lots of paint in it - oh wait...shit forget it. The average person with some semblance of taste does not understand shredding, as it sounds like a wall of notes with no particular melodic direction. This is because it IS a wall of notes with no particular melodic direction.
Famous shredders include Yngwie Malmsteen, who calls his music 'neo-classical', which makes him not only a shit guitarist but a pretentious, shit guitarist.
The Wonderful Technique in Action
[edit] Glam metal
In the 1980's there was a trend called "hair metal", so called because the bands all had hair that was poofier than a poodle's ass. Yes, a genre of music can be defined by its bands' hairstyles. Unsurprisingly, the genre was pretty gay, with every band member a transvestite. Many useless and untalented bands such as Poison, Ratt, Whitesnake, Mötley Crüe, and Quiet Riot got popular during this time period. The music was played badly and the lyrics were about snorting anything that would create some kind of a high, can't you just feel their passion for music? Luckily the trend gracefully faded out quickly. Today, these hair metal "musicians" make crappy TV shows on VH1. Rawk on!!!111!!1!!!11!!!
It's a known fact that the hair metal fans that somehow still exist today suffer from severe mental disorders. Such people include Mikeroach113 and JKKDARK. JewTube user Vampoxxx is a prime example of online glam-faggotry. He claims that bands of other metal genres such as glam rock and power metal are gay. But yet he says this shit is better and not gay? Talk about a mindfuck! Do your duty and get on JewTube and flame the glam-fag!
Interestingly enough, glam metal bands usually did fairly poorly in terms of actual record sales, because at the time the charts were determined by whatever record store owners claimed their customers were buying, and record companies often bribed the store owners to put what they thought was going to be popular on their lists. Much of their concert tickets were given away to fill the house, and people thinking they were making money led to investments, thus more money.HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH, DISREGARD THAT,I SUCK COCK,I CONFUSED THE BANDS WITH HARD ROCK AND THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS GLAM METAL!
[edit] Heavy metal fashion
Mostly leather and studs. Brought to the genre by the lead singer of Judas Priest, who was into gay sadomasochism. Seriously.
Heavy metal fans think of themselves and their fashion as "alternative", which is funny considering they all own the exact same black band t-shirts, leather trenchcoats, chains hanging from their pants, and stud jewelry. Heavy metal fashion is indistinguishable from nu-metal fashion and not far from emo, but don't tell your metalhead friends this or they will cry like babies or curb-stomp your head in, depending on whether or not you're a pussy.
[edit] Heavy metal fans
Considering metal reached its peak in the 80s, why do we not see lots of adult metal-heads apart from sleeping in bus shelters and collecting trolleys at the local supermarket? Oh yeah, because it's teenage fad most people who listen to it grow out of.
The majority of metal fans listen to very little other than metal. They will claim to listen to Jazz and Classical music also, to which they will compare the "complexity" of metal. In reality they will probably own a couple MP3s of Miles Davis or Holst, which they listen to only after smoking profuse amounts of pot. They only claim to listen to these styles of music in order to give their tastes some kind of validity, as many would say their favorite genre is some of the worst turd ever shat out mankind's collective anus. HAHAHA, DISREGARD THAT, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MUSIC IS.
Oh but there are a few troubled souls that never grow out of this cool fad, These champions and goal achievers so often end up working at some shit job living paycheck to paycheck, coming home to a fat girlfriend and a myriad of stupid friends, in conclusion metal-heads who don't GROW THE FUCK UP end up being losers and fail at life.
What Metalheads do for fun
[edit] You can spot a metal fan in a crowd too!
Everyone else can why don't you do it too!?
- A) Long hair
- B) Fuzzy eyebrows so huge that you could hide a fucking human in there
- C) Usually an iron maiden, Judas Priest, Black Sabbath, or some other shitty band t-shirt no one cares about.
- D) Ugly
- E) All of the above
If you see any of these qualities in the person, proceed to IRL troll them using the following methods.
[edit] Ways to troll metal-heads
- Say you like Ozzy Osbourne and that his show was awesome but pretend you don't know he's a musician.
- Tell them no one can rawk as well as Pete Wentz.
- Mention any screamo band.
- Say Cradle of Filth is "trve kvlt" black metal
- Talk about how Korn were pioneers of the metal scene.
- Be Jeff Coburn.
- Say that all death metal sucks, because Job for A Cowboy are just too heavy(they are, in reality, gay)
- Call any guitar looking like a Flying V a Flying V.
- Tell them Iron Maiden's band name is a rip off of maidens.
- Mention Quiet Riot.
- Tell them they look like Juggalos.
- Tell them that Slipknot is the most kvlt black metal band EVAR!!1.
- Tell them to bathe and cut their hair.
- Mentioning band that plays NuMetal.
- Say Yngwie Malmsteen was a shoddy guitar player.
- Complain about goths and imply that they are one.
- Tell them, "Jesus loves you!"
!["You're going to motherfuckin' jail!" [1]](/Image:Napsterbad.jpg)
- Say "Remember those "NAPSTER BAD!" internet cartoons?"
- Make the peace sign with your hands instead of the metal horns at concerts.
- Accuse Slayer of stealing its name from that Buffy show.
- Tell them "Kill 'Em All" is the worst album Metallica has ever done, and the only peak in their career came with "St. Anger."
- Give them Stryper CDs for their birthday, or Christmas.
- Tell them Mudvayne and Lamb of God are your favorite bands.
- Tell them that all the black metal players stole their look from KISS, Arthur Brown and Alice Cooper.
- Make jokes about the death of Cliff Burton.
- Ask them "Why do they listen to metal"they are not even singing(this will only work with potheads)
- Tell them that metal is emo.
- Tell them you hate every metal band except for Bullet For My Valentine.
- Say that you think that Cradle of Filth's cover of "Black Metal" is the greatest metal song ever and that they really did the song justice.(IN REALITY, it is the worst piece of shit ever to be passed off as a song, and any metal head would rather become An Hero than listen to it)
- Get a boombox and PLAY Cradle of Filth's cover of "Black Metal". (This may get you shot and/or your $15 boombox smashed in the street)
- Compare every metal song you hear to Dragonforce.
- Say that the majority of metal songs are just smashing power-chords which anyone with at least two fingers on their fretting hand could do. Then say the most highly-rated metal bands (Wintersun, Megadeth) always use power-chords.
[edit] The moar hardcore you are
Metalheads are well known for being "hardcore" because they love music about gore and killing people and playing guitar the loudest way possible. well, what did you expect? Look at a Cannibal Corpse album, and notice the woman who has monsters ripping out of her vagina.
[edit] Example of a metalhead trolling
666xsacrifice: your such a poser!!1
- carnal666demon: no u!!
- 666xsacrifice: lol i totaly trolled u
- Journal has been deleted. If you are carnal666demon, you have a period of 30 days to decide to undelete your journal.
- 666xsacrifice: lol i totaly trolled u
[edit] How to attain fame in heavy metal
- Album name: Adjective-Dragon/Satan-Verb/Dragon
- Tap the same drum beat over and over
- Tap the same string on the same fret over and over
- Roar like a Dragon
- Sell out
- ???
- Profit
[edit] How to troll a metal community in LJ
It's very easy, all you have to do is follow these steps
- Go and join in a community called metal_mp3.
- Request or post MP3s of any screamo, hardcore, metalcore, and nu metal bands.
- ????
- Profit!!!11
After trolling some Norwegian motherfucker named necrognosis will come to your house and fuck your wife. Don't have a wife? He'll make you marry one, then fuck her. In front of you. Then take all your beer and leave. He isn't expected to be around long; the community's owner, starfall_ will eventually shitcan him for kicking too much ass. This community only accepts wannabe black metal bands such as Cradle of Filth, Dimmu Borgir, and Immortal, as well as folk/viking/pagan metal and fem-fronted metal.
[edit] Example of being SO METAL
In 1991, attention towards black metal increased when Mayhem's frontman Per Yngve Ohlin (stagename Dead) committed suicide via shotgun blast to the head, which followed a series of self-inflicted lacerations to his arms. His note simply read "Excuse all the blood" and contained an apology for firing the weapon indoors. The ammunition was supplied weeks prior to the incident by Varg Vikernes, who played bass for Mayhem on De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas. Dead's body was discovered by fellow bandmate Øystein Aarseth (also known as Euronymous), who, instead of calling the police, ran to a nearby convenience store and bought a disposable camera to photograph the corpse, modeling the body in various positions. The pictures were later stolen and one was used as the cover image for a bootleg Mayhem album (Dawn of the Black Hearts). Claims that Aarseth took pieces of Dead's brains and made a stew out of them eventually surfaced, as well as claims that the members of the band made a necklace from the bone fragments of their friend's skull. The former claim was later declared false by the band, although the latter turned out to be true.
[edit] Heavy metal bands
For a list of heavy metal bands, please see god.
[edit] Heavy metal personalities
Heavy Metal, a Clock crew user, pretty much sums up the thought process of your typical Heavy Metal forum fanboi. When his girlfriend committed suicide and he discovered her body, Heavy Metal proceeded to make a topic about it on the Clock Crew BBS, instead of freaking out like a normal human being. He's definitely got his priorities straight, amirite? He also wrote poetry of quality such to rival William Blake. In summary, we can only hope he will god quickly.
[edit] Influences
Metal has influenced nothing outside its own incestuous little clique, because it's god: with one exception. The Beatles totally stole the style for their song Helter Skelter.
A typical metalhead rocking the shit out of his Dean.
Some metalfags are just more true retarded than others
[edit] See also
- Black metal
- Power metal
- punk
- rock
- guitar
- Metal archives
- Criss Angel
- Defense Industries Organization
- God
- ROB DARKEN
- Alra Galathor
[edit] External links
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Heavy Metal is part of a series on Music. |
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Categories: Crap | Music | Subcultures
