Cthulhu

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Worship him as he swallows your brain.

Google knows Cthulhu called Ammonites conspired with ancient jews.

Cthulhu is pissed at the Jews not working hard enough at the office.

Cthulhu is a badass alien god-thing worshiped by trolls as well as an alleged presidential candidate. It is a well known and established scientific fact that Cthulhu is actually a predecessor to its newer evolved form the Flying Spaghetti Monster. An ancient prophecy about Cthulhu, written in an early form of leetspeak says:

Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wagn'nagl fhtagn.

Translation: In his house in R'lyeh dead Cthulhu waits dreaming. To further explicate the matter: deep beneath the Pacific waves, Cthulhu lies entombed in his house in R'lyeh, dead but dreaming. When the stars become right, the island city of R'lyeh will rise above the waves and Cthulhu will stride the surface once more, making the Earth his plaything as the Old Ones return, wiping humanity off the face of the planet in an eldritch orgy of destruction in one fell swoop. Every Lovecraft nerd is familiar with his half-brother, Hastur, who he hates so much.

A description of an image of Cthulhu, taken from H.P. Lovecraft's "The Call of Cthulhu":

[The statue] represented a monster of vaguely anthropoid outline, but with an octopus-like head whose face was a mass of feelers, a scaly, rubbery-looking body, prodigious claws on hind and fore feet, and long, narrow wings behind. This thing, which seemed instinct with a fearsome and unnatural malignancy, was of a somewhat bloated corpulence, and squatted evilly on a rectangular block or pedestal covered with undecipherable characters, taking a huge dump. The tips of the wings touched the back edge of the block, the seat occupied the center, whilst the long, curved claws of the doubled-up, crouching hind legs gripped the front edge and extended a quarter of the way down toward the bottom of the pedestal. The creature was clearly in a lot of pain from the massive dump it was taking. The cephalopod head was bent forward, so that the ends of the facial feelers brushed the backs of huge fore paws which clasped the croucher's elevated knees. The creature made an inhumane sound, its shouting barely able being only minutely pronounced in human voice "ishallgiveyouhead", causing many horrified sailors to immediately shit themselves to death. He gurgled for a cab and when it came near the license plate said F'kgash and he had souls in the mirror. If anything He could say that this cab was weird, but he roared: "Nah, forget it- Yo, human, to R'lyeh!"

In Popular Culture

Worshiped fanatically throughout the mythos, Cthulhu's power is undeniable. Even today, in popular culture, the will of the Deep God draws followers. These followers of the great one lie scattered across the globe, awaiting the day when the stars are right for Cthulhu's awakening where he shall teach man kind new ways to revel and kill and enjoy themselves where the Earth will burn in a holocaust of ecstasy and freedom. But unlike the blood and brine soaked cultists of canon, current worshipers are not just the offspring of your mom's pig orgies, but range from college students, fatties, little girls, pretty much everyone that has ever heard of him really. Being an unfathomable badass and variable master of all twisted and wretched life, a beast of the infinite mind, and alluring aphrodisiac that stimulates the artistic sex drive, Cthulhu is the archetypal beast of horror: beyond mere bodily or physical harm. But, to many, he is "CUTE!!1"

However, we shall deal with them soon. Very Soon.

Like the putrid Shoggoth, today's Lovecraftian fans are disgusting blobs of forsaken burden, similarly taken to imitation as their visceral counterparts; imitating Gods, or people with taste.

Sites with large fan bases like Hello Cthulhu, and buyables like stuffed plushies, scene clothing, and [probable] fleshlights, have plunged the honesty of the Cthulhu character into vapid banality; However, these people are just fucktards, as any normal cultist knows not to say word of the great one aloud lest u suffer his wrath. True cultists hide their worship for their families, where they confide and plot their orgies to with hopes of one day including their siblings in sacrifice.

Cthulhu's gospel shall live on despite the internet's constant raping, as most of the idiots listed above do not know Cthulhu's true message. Therefore, the cult of Cthulhu would like to provide you with some educational videos to help start your conversion to Judaism. Enjoy: IA! IA! CTHULHU FT'AGN!

The Simon Necronomicon, or, This isn't funny anymore

“	"...the Necronomicon, a highly secret magical text released in paperback."	„
—William S. Burroughs.

It's a time-honored practice to find out/write your own Necronomicon. As long as it's done tongue-in-cheek it's all fun and games. But there is one Necronomicon that stands out, the dead-serious Dan Brown of the necronomicons; The Simon Necronomicon, originally published in 1977 and has never been out of print. It consists of more-or-less factual sumerian material. So basically, it's only good for three things:

Material for textual criticism.
Goad new agers by showing them TSN and ask why they don't take a walk on the dark side.
Inspiration for creating your own religion.

Gallery

A chart showing us the major differences between Cthulhu and Captain Planet.	Cthulhu during his appearance in Pirates of the Caribbean.	The younger, less attractive sister of Dread Lord Cthulhu.	Not Cthulu.
W.T. Snacks Controls C'thulu.	A blessed experience.	He does like big ladies, though.	Primacy of fucked religion.
Cthulu has risen!!!	Holy shit Cthulhu is a top!!1	OMG Cthulhu gets more action than you do, you basement dweller!	And so do I.
		IT'S A PUZZLE.	Even cats worship him.
	It is well known Cthulhu will fuck the god fearing shit out of you.	I fucking knew it.