Gun
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
| —Anonymous |
Weapons are all over the Internet. And with hordes of avid male admirers, plus an endless variety of death dealing devices, it's almost certain that you can eventually hit the right buttons OL to make people fire their hot loads. The same is true for firearms; the Internet has a huge guns, weapons and military related subculture, with numerous websites catering for all preferences. Some are filled to the brim with 16 year olds that don't have a fucking clue and generally just spout the latest bullshit from Future Weapons, or the weapons menu on Counter-Strike. Regardless of the intended audience, there are many common themes that bind it all into a gigantic clusterfuck of bad will and malignant intent. Below is your guide to this delightful phenomenon.
Contents |
[edit] The Way of the Gun
Guns were made by Jesus Christ after realizing his favorite country, the United States, needed something to spread the gospel to savages. Jesus himself invented the first gun, and is armed with the power of Christianity, and a factory of Indian sweatshop workers, to bring peace and justice Anarchy to the free world, by ridding us of the lesser races.
[edit] Choose your weapon
[edit] Rifles
[edit] SA-80 Series Rifle
The SA-80 and its ancestors are a series of 5.56mm bullpup assault rifles developed by the British. Designated L85A1, the first ones were shit. Nowadays, though, they are better than the M-16s because they are much more reliable.
[edit] Steyr AUG
Austrian Bullpups. Shit. Really shit. They look shit. They fire shit rounds. Hell, they smell like shit. Only the Aussies and Irish have adopted them as well as the Austrians, showing that everyone else they are pussies.
[edit] M16 Series Rifle
The M16 is the iconic weapon of the red-blooded American. If you carry that piece you are out on a holy crusade to end the lives of all communists, democrats, Muslims, and the occasional Catholic, cause we all know those Mary-worshipers have it coming.
During development, the rifle was picked up by the US Army which was struggling because potheads, the primary demographic for recruitment in the 60s, couldn't handle the pornstar recoil of the M14. The M16A1 model helped resolve that problem by introducing a rifle that wouldn't fire at all. Ironically the majority of people who got owned because of this were darkie conscripts, as the original rifle's purpose was reducing the negroid race's population.
If you mention the M16 on most gun boards or forums, entire waves of 13 year old boys, jerking off violently to their Counterstrike kill records and inflated sense of gun knowledge, will scream at you in all caps. They will tell you to do things with your cat's mom's anal cavity and an M16 rifle. But, don't listen to them, as anal fluid of cats whores like your mom are corrosive and will damage the finish on a rifle's flash suppressor.
[edit] AK-47
Designed to be easily used by poorly trained conscripts, the AK-47 was spread throughout the world by Tony Stark in a cave. the rifle is simple in construction and fairly robust, using a gas-piston made to looser tolerances than any other gas-piston rifle out there. It has great popularity amongst, well, Russias, and guys that want to spree-kill their neighbors. Most that you'll come across in real life are Chinese or Eastern European knock-offs, actual Russian models being rare.
AK-47 vs. M16 threads are woefully common in any weapons-related forum. The usual crap of accuracy vs. reliability is rehashed and fucked up for yet another innings. On many websites, Military Photos and AR-15.net notably, this kind of crap will get you raped by the administrators. You deserve it, you little bastard.
[edit] M14 Rifle
Before the sweet-sixteen there was the the M14, a beastly pure-bred American piece made of wood, iron, and brass. Also cocks. If you don't mind the fact it kicks like a date-rape scene gone wrong then you can't go wrong with its 7.62x51mm NATO truck stopping power. If a sand mexican is having himself a little pow-wow with roasted marshmallows and sing-alongs behind that reinforced sandbag teepee, and your 5.56x45mm NATO ain't cutting it, never fear! Your M14 will punch right through that sandwiched dirt and give Haji a splintering sensation of our constitutional right to kick ass, take names - and lunch money in some cases - even if their names are written in squiggly lines. Just don't mistake it for a machine gun: Unfortunately, the US military made this mistake by implementing a full-auto function for this gun. The powerful kick of the 7.62x51mm ammunition caused such massive muzzle climb, even when fired in bursts, that soldiers in the jungles of Vienam couldn't hit gooks in full auto even at close range. Because of this, despite the M14's major pwnage potential, it was replaced by the pussy-recoil M16 as a standard issue rifle.
Like the climax of every Disney sports movie, the M14 has made a sudden comeback, sans full-auto capability. With the rise of anabolic steroids and a need to spread democracy at ranges exceeding 400 meters, the M-14 has met a revival for the great lulz fests for snipers and designated marksmen in the battlefields of Afghanistan and Iraq, similar to how the AWP causes a lot of drama in a Counter-Strike game. With generations of retards raised on counterstrike. and a whole desert full of people in need of some white hot yard democracy, the future for this once forgotten rifle looks brighter than ever!
[edit] FN FAL
The right arm of the free world. This rifle killed communists and savages throughout the cold war, and is still being used by dirt poor countries that we gave democracy to. Its XBOX HUEG 7.62x51 round makes an example of every russian, arab, nigger, hippie, gook and protester that gets in its way. It kicks like a bitch and will pop a whole the size of your mom's ass (massive) in any argie stupid enough to get between you and your Falkland Island triple J cup totty. Shamone!
[edit] M82
Also known as: THE BIGGEST FUCKING GUN EVAR! (That is, if you don't know about the NTW-20 yet). The M82 Chambers a massive ass .50BMG round, and is over 9 times moar powerful than the M16 (RLY). Headshot with M82 = Red mist+brain pudding. The M82 is so fucking expensive that Niggers can't afford it, that's why it isn't IRL permibanned YET. However, recent reports show that spic druglords from Mexico have imported M82A1s (along with the FiveseveN) in order to fend off Mexican police and SWAT teams, so as to ensure that their coccaine supply lines to the US are not disruped. Cheeky bastards. The M82 is also a favourite of military snipers and the IRA for its ability to, like, sail through frickin' body armour as if it wasn't even, like, frickin' there. Fortunately, the IRA now do nothing but complain suck each others' cocks, so we needn't worry about any .50 BMG shells sailing through frickin' body armour as if it wasn't even frickin' there.
[edit] Mosin Nagant
The soviets made millions and millions of them, and as a result you can get them at sporting goods stores in the US for sixty bucks. Everyone has one. An admiral in the Japanese navy once said: "You cannot invade the mainland United States. There would be a rifle behind every blade of grass". This is true, and they are all mosins. The problem is, the Mosin uses a slightly longer than usual 7.62 round, so Americunts often load them with 7.62x51mm NATO instead of 7.62x54R. Boom! Natural Selection continues.
[edit] Pistols
[edit] Colt Model 1911A1
This emblem of America in carbon steel brought the USA into the 20th Century as the greatest nation on the planet, by killing Islamo-gook fascists in the Philippines by the tribe-load. Those Jihado-faggots thought they were pretty tough, until they met .45 of an inch in righteous hot-lead to the motherfucking sternum. 9mm? America doesn't speak metric, faggot. USA! USA! USA!.
Well, that's what most gun-nuts (as in testicles) will say about it. The pistol is a legend in the USA due to its long service with the military (about 70 years). And given that no one else in the world is allowed to own weapons, this leads it being the most talked about pistol on the webz0rz. Its reputation for accuracy stems mainly for it being bought and riced up for use as IPSC race-guns rather than any inherent virtue in the design itself. Truth be known, the original service pistol was just a big, heavy, single-action motherfucker that was no more accurate than any other pistol of the time, and was only notable for being the first pistol chambered in the gigantic .45 Automatic Colt Pistol round (ACP). But you spend $2000 on after-market parts and you can do anything.
[edit] Beretta M9
The 9mm eye-tie gun that finally replaced the ancient and frail 1911. This gun was only adopted because the USA wanted military bases in Italy and Beretta made them accept their handgun in return. No other gun in the history of mankind has caused so much drama among gunfags.
[edit] Glock
R' da bloods movin' in on 'yo crip territory and ya'll need a piece to pop 'dem niggaz wif? Reach for 'yo GLOCK nigga! Created by austrian grenade and curtains manufacturer Gaston Glock, the Glock was widely adopted by niggers the world over for its ease of use while aiming sideways. Glocks are now used as much by wannabe bad-boy cops as they are niggers, and if you run away from what looks like a chav on the London Underground who's yelling, "STOP!", you become an hero because that chav lookalike is actually waving a Glock at you, meaning he's from CO19. Awesome! Glocks, being standard issue to cops, niggers and mafiosi, are therefore owned by everyone.
[edit] Springfield XD
The anti-Glock, fixing everything the glock fails at; like exploding when shot. Actually a croatian pistol called the "HS2000", the american company Springfield Armory just stole the design and called it the "XD". A lot of Counter-strike and CoD4 players love this gun, right after the Desert Eagle, because the "XD" looks like an emoticon! lol!!111
[edit] .357 Magnum - BOOM! Headshot
Once you have returned home from killing the entire Viet Kong army, you have become the Pennsylvania state treasurer. You receive bribes and give your friends exclusive million dollar contracts as well as receiving $300,000 kickbacks. When you fuck it up and get convicted; facing 55 years imprisonment, you end it all by blowing your brains out with this baby in front of a live televised press conference. If you want to dramatically kill some one, make sure to shoot him in the lungs closer to the arm to let him live at least a few seconds more (according to wikipedia you feel like "struck by lightning" when shoot at. then let him crawl a little, then shoot him in the heart.
[edit] 10mm Auto
Ownage in the palm of your hand. Packing the power of a .357 into a frame the size of a .45 with the ammo capacity of a 9mm, the 10mm Auto was released to much fanfare of it's awesomeness. Well, no it wasn't. Actually, nobody cared.
The FBI adopted it briefly before crying that the recoil hurt their wrists, which were sore after they got done 'researching' all those CP websites. Smith & Wesson obliged by creating the .40S&W, which is believed to stand for either "Smith & Wesson", "Shitty & Weak" or the widely accepted "Shoop & Woop".
[edit] Makarov
Makarov is a family of Soviet pistols, either in 7.62x25mm or 9x19mm. They are shit SHIT. They are about as accurate at close range as a drunk pig or your mom. They are so shit that only poor Gs use them, and even then they prefer Glocks. Jeah!
[edit] FN Five-Seven
Admired by Libertarians and spics for it's ability to pierce body armor and kill cops. The FN Five-Seven is used in a lot of animes and video gaymes, so of course all school shooters pick this up for the job, because, as we know, most school shooters are actually 13 year old boys who have been fapping to too much violent hentai.
[edit] The Desert Eagle
If the .357 Magnum is for men with normal dicks and the .44 Magnum is for men with small dicks, the Desert Eagle is for men with dicks so small they are actually mistaken for clits by the casual eye. The Desert Eagle is classified as a handgun, despite being bigger than most SMGs. You can create lulz by going to a DE forum and saying the .357 and .44 are fired from more practical-sized guns like revolvers, but fanboys will say the Desert Eagle will fire .50AE and revolvers won't. The Desert Eagle got notoriety in the U.S. when niggers got their hands on it. Unfortunately, they thought they were holding their Glocks sideways and when they pulled the trigger, they killed themselves from the impact on their head. If you fire the Deagle with only one hand, you'll break your wrist, and then, just like with the Uzi, you'll never fap again. Sucks on you biatch!!!1one111!!
[edit] Sub-Machine Guns
[edit] The Sten
The Sten gun was mass produced by the British in WW2. It's cheap, light and tough, so it was dropped all over occupied Europe to waste the Nazis. It uses the widely available 9mm round and looks cool. The only problem is if you meet an armoured Americunt, whose thick armour will stop you from Owning him. In this instance, use a Falcon Punch.
[edit] Aks-74U
This is a miniature version of the AK-47's modern equivalent, the AK-74. It's small enough to fit in your jeans pocket and to be carried one-handed. Perfect for school shootings, because it will give you street cred, even if you're a Wigger (you are.). Also good for drive-by's due to its compact size, the AKS-74U is every Gangster's dream. and, of course, the ultimate sand nigger Osama Bin Frickin' Laden carries one of these babies, ensuring that rule 34 applies even in a cave in Afghanistan Pakistan. The AKS-74U is also preferred by gun nuts who do not need to overcompensate, just to state the point.
[edit] The Tommy Gun
For those who like to kick it really old school nothin' beats the classic Thompson submachine gun. The gun comes with either a 30 round box magazine or a 50 round drum which looks way more bad ass. Very popular with gangsters. Extremely inaccurate but it makes up for it by how much lead it sprays allover the place. Even Stevie Wonder could waste mofos with this.
[edit] HK MP5 - spray 'n pray
So you decided to use one of these guns on this page to create a lulz fest at your local school, mall, and/or place of employment, and now you're wondering what's the fuzz is going to be thrown at you when you get to the final level of the game. Five out of five times, when you've got yourself a good score going and you live in an urban area, the swat bunnies will be plugging your socially mis-adjusted body with the HK MP5. Don't despair, the HK MP5 is the perfect firearm to get mowed down by on national TV. It was also the first closed bolt submachine gun with fine Nazi precision pedigree, so you can be assured that you are going out in style. The 9mm ammunition means that you won't die too quickly so you can have that dramatic last stand, just like Scarface! Bonus points if you get killed by a beaner wearing shades, from behind, with a shotgun while you're firing your weapon of choice dramatically in the air, as the cops riddle your body with US government lead.
[edit] Uzi
The Uzi (Jewspeak: עוזי) was invented solely to rape sand nigger babies. It's based on the Czechoslovakian series 23 to 26 submachine guns, and is further proof that Jews steal everything, amirite?. Every American should have two. You have two hands, after all, right? Ironically, it's the preferred weapon of neo-Nazis, skinheads and Carl Johnson. Shooting this thing one-handed, though it may look cool, will either break your wrist (no more fapping) or turn you into an hero unless you're Bruce Willis... or Carl Johnson, who can hold two fuckin' Sawn-offs and can still walk away and fap afterwards. Lucky Bastard. Uzis, thus, look cool, but aren't as cool as a frickin' AK-47.
[edit] Machine Guns
[edit] LMGs (Light machine guns)
These are autos you can carry around, like the M249, MG4, BAR and Bren. They make good SAWs, and look teh awesome. They usually fire rifle-sized bullets. Modern ones, sadly, only fire shitty 5.56mm rounds, which fail.
[edit] Heavy Stuff
Think Maxim MG, Vickers, .50-cal and DshK. These will gleefully slice 'n' dice your foes to over 9000 pieces, with big bullets. These are teh awesome, more so than LMGs, just because they pwn so well. Only Over 9000 rounds from a .50-cal can even scratch a long cat. However, against ordinary fools, you will win. Niggers don't really get their black mitts on these 'coz they're so bloody Xpensive. If they do, prepare for equality TEH END OF DE WORLDZ.
[edit] Vulcan Cannon/ Minigun/ Gatling gun
Not so mini after all! So you want a school shooting with a difference? The 6-barrelled Vulcan can fire 6000 bullets a minute. Bye bye school, jocks, nerds, whores 12 year old girls, and emos.
The Vulcan Cannon, or its little brother, the Minigun, come in a variety of different flavors, not unlike slurpees, or condoms. Starting with the biggest, baddest motherfucker of all, is the GAU-8 Avenger, a 30mm precision engineered lead-breathing dragon mounted on the A-10 Warthog that fires Depleted Uranium rounds the size of wine bottles.
A somewhat smaller version is the M61 Vulcan, capable of firing 20mm armor-piercing rounds that will blast Russkie jets out of the sky when all the missiles are used up. Smaller still, is the General Electric M134, known commonly as the "Minigun." This 7.62mm beast was first used in the skies over Vietnam to spread freedom and democracy to the gooks, either as a door gun on the UH-60 Blackhawk, or as a offensive weapon on the versatile MH-6 "Little Bird". The M134 also comes in 5.56mm, if you're too pussy to handle the recoil.
But if you want to kick it old school, look no further than the O.G. Gatling Gun, invented by Dr. Richard Jordan Gatling at least 100 years ago, when Amerrcuh was waging war within its own borders. This old warhorse didn't have your fancy electric drive motors. No, you put elbow grease into this antique, as you had to cranked the thing to shoot it. If you can find enough of the obsolete .58 caliber rimfire cartridges to fill the hopper of this old-timer, start cranking away like a mad organ grinder as you royally fuck up someone's day.
[edit] Other
[edit] Big Game Rifles
Not classed as ordinary rifles, coz they're so fucking huge. Best used to put holes in elephant's skulls, but if you want to terrorise the local niggers just load a .60 or .577 up at point it at 'em. Just don't fire it lying down (broken collar bone) or standing up (broken shoulder). Breaking your bones while pwning niggers will fail you, minussing your score by over 9000 points. Alternately, use them against other snipers, who will be using .50 BMG, 7.62mm, or, if they're real wankers, 5.56mm.
[edit] Shotgun
Use this bad boy to really fuck up someone's day. Sprays alot of buckshot everywhere which means you can pwn a whole bunch of people or destroy one person at extremely close range. Very popular with hunters and cops. Alternately, saw the butt and most of the barrel off for a unique pwnage experience!!1! You can now keep it in your trenchcoat pocket, and fire it one handed. Hahaha!!! Having fired a shotgun one handed and not being Arnold Schwarzenegger means you now have a broken wrist!! You'll never fap again. Busted! Next time, remember that firing one-handed is only done with pistols (NOT Desert Eagles, you pussy). Owned!
[edit] Flamethrower
The closest you can actually come to playing Satan. Strap on 2 scuba tanks full of napalm and rain firey death on gooks. Just be careful not to use it on a really windy day or you'll involuntarily an hero yourself.
[edit] Grenade Launcher
This is a gun that shoots 25mm or 40mm grenades. Boom! The M-79 is a favourite from 'Nam, perfect for ruining Gooks. Like a smaller Bazooka, basically. Watch out, though, it's illegal in California. Oh wait, so is eveything else.
[edit] Bazooka
Will ruin everything from goths to teenagers to the entire local mall in a glorious explosion of win. A favorite of Counter-Strike O.G.s. They don't like dat shit one-two bit. Only refers to the bazooka itself, the rest are called recoiless rifles, asshole.
[edit] The Golden Gun
Kills with one bullet. This is partly due to the little known toxicity of gold. When using the golden gun IRL, be sure to memorize all the respawn points, and use it on your enemies before they can fight back. Also be sure to be rich, as, being made of gold, the Golden Gun is, unsurprisingly, fuckin' Xpensive. Once you have it, though, you will be able to kill every nigger from here to fuckin' Swaziland.
[edit] The NRA
Formed in 1871 along with the KKK, the NRA was established to give White racists, gun-loving soccer moms, confederate-flag hangover-having rednecks and master debaters Wankers the ability to focus their God-given talents on something much more important: shooting fgts, Muslims sand-niggers and 50 cent. The most noted savior of the NRA was Charlton Heston, who proved that the best reason for us to have guns is to defend ourselves from damn dirty apes terrorists. This group holds that guns are good, and totally ignores studies done by pussy,pinko, bleeding-heart pseudo-sciences, like "psychology," "sociology," and "political science". The NRA is always doing its duty saving us from the tyrannical grip of people who support gun control, like that godawful boring Noam Chomsky. Oddly enough, many liberals have begun to join the ranks of the NRA, for fear that gun control may render them defenseless against their crazy-ass redneck neighbors.
[edit] Gun vs. Sword
Guns have replaced this archaic simpleton sword as the killing device of choice for a good many reasons, the least of which is the gun's superiority over hand-to-hand weapons. There is a lot of misconceptions regarding this change out there, so we at ED will take this opportunity to clear things up:
- Myth: Swords are more honorable than guns, case-in-point, Ninjas, Samurai, and Jedi used swords instead of guns.
- FACT: Anyone claiming the above is obviously a cultureless, fucking Wapanese and needs to commit Hari Kari, die of AIDS or become an hero. Ninjas were fags anyway, and the Samurai DID use them before the superior white man wiped them out with their bullet-spewing deathcocks that shoot solid semen at a rate of over 9000 semen-bullets a second. Jedi are fucking imaginary wizards anyway.
- Myth: You can block bullets with your sword if you are skilled enough.
- FACT: You cannot block bullets with your sword. If you are skilled enough to do so, go out and prove it. HAHA, too bad, you're dead, because the bullet fukken penetrated your shitty 2 millimeter sword.
- Myth: You don't have to reload a sword, therefore you can use it forever.
- FACT: You must constantly wipe your sword clean of blood and sharpen it, otherwise it will chip and rust away, and then you will have to find your local smithey to forge you a new one. Or you can save up your lunch money and buy another sword off eBay instead of buying that new manga you've been fapping over.
- Myth: Guns are cowardly because you can kill people from far away; swords are the only weapons that take real skill to use.
- FACT: Hacking and slicing away takes too much effort, when you can just sit back, relax and start obliterating Wapanese hordes with your M249 SAW. More importantly, using a gun IRL takes more skill than any Wapanese could ever possess. Even more importantly, using a gun guarantees lulz, even with a shitty Czech pistol from the 70's.
- Myth: You can run up to a guy with a gun real fast and slice him with your sword before he even gets his gun out.
- FACT: You can try to run up to a guy with a gun real fast and slice him before he even gets his gun out, but unfortunately that broadsword you bought from eBay weighs fifty pounds and your effete wrists just aren't meant to handle such a burden. And, if the fucker even has a gun, he should be able to get it out and pwn you in at least 100 ways.
[edit] Famous Gun Enthusiasts
- Jesus
- Cho Seung-Hui
- Mitch Henderson
- Charlton Heston
- Eric Harris
- Dylan Klebold
- The Supreme Court, as of last Thursday
- Budd Dwyer
- Trey Burba
- Robert Hawkins
- User:DRAC250
[edit] Why guns are cool
| This article needs moar 34. You can help by adding moar 34. |
[edit] Gallery
 Animal Mother, American Hero |
 Italians love their air guns. |
 Use for rounds after the war is over |
 Matrix fanbois like guns, but are to weakly to hold them for than 5 minutes at a time. |
 Oh, sexy. |
 C4mp3r fg7. |
 This works with pretty much anything IRL too. |
 Guns can also be a means to fail epically |
 Gimme yo pokemans foo' |
 Guns are necessary to defend african jenkem mines from thieves |
 13-year-old boy loves to use a BB gun |
[edit] See also
- Gun control
- Gallery of Jesus with Guns
- Bazooka
- Tazer
- IMMA CHARGIN MAH LAZER
- Glocktalk
- Headshot
- Shotgun Mouthwash
- /k/
