Guitar
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Loosely based off of the Guitar Hero controller, the guitar is, according to any teenager, the only musical instrument in the world. Everyone plays guitar. Everyone. And out of all the people who own guitars 10% of them actually know how to play it, and only 3% of that 10% know how to play it well. If you're not part of that 3% who utilize the humble guitar to gain the finer things in life, then the page will teach you everything you need to know.
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[edit] Guitars
- Guitar
Many states require that individuals learning to play the guitar must learn the main riffs to either "Sweet Home Alabama", "Sweet Child of Mine", "Purple Haze", "Danni California", "Smells Like Teen Spirit", "Soviet national anthem", "Iron man" or "Enter Sandman". If you're unsure of what the law is in your area, many music police will allow you the minimum knowledge of "Smoke on the Water" by Deep Purple. If you suck so bad that you can't play that, someone might still suck your dick, but not likely.
- Bass Guitar (A.K.A. failed guitarists who couldn't quite manage a chord)
If you play bass guitar, you are required to know how to play "Self Esteem" by The Offspring, "Spoonman" by Soundgarden, and "Bullet in the Head" by Rage Against the Machine. Retards also purchase an overdrive pedal. Sidenote: if you are a nigger you don't ever need to learn to play one of these, but if anyone ever needs a bassist, volunteer, because AIDS gives you the ability to play.
- The extended range bass
Some argue that extended basses are considered a different instrument. IRL it's a bass with A LOT of fucking useless ass strings you will never use on your road to being a guitar/bass playing loser.
[edit] How to play the guitar
[edit] DO
- Play songs about racial hatred and misogyny, it will make you feel like a rock star even without any money, or blow.
- Realize that you are crap at guitar. All song-writing will shortly disappear. People will hate you ALOT less.
- Learn how to play power-chords and leave it at that. People don't want to hear complicated fail.
- Play games of NO U with complaining neighbors. Even if you suck, you can still troll to fuck out of your enemies.
[edit] DON'T
- Consider starting guitar now. It's too late. If you were not playing at least 100 years ago then you are 1 of too many.
- Ever put videos of you and your guitar on teh interwebs. There is enough shit.
- Arrange a benefit concert for the people at Uncyclopedia to have lulz injected into them, play the first 10 seconds of Smoke On the Water, then leave.
- Have any illusions that as a guitarist, you are not anti-lulz.
- Forget that no one likes you and that's why you started guitar in the first place.
[edit] PROTIP
Masters of the instrument know that it's really a piece of shit, and finish each set using the patented Pete Townsend method by smashing both the guitar and its amp to pieces.
Guitars Also Resemble Something Else
HOLY SHIT THIS KID IS FUCKING AWESOME
SHREDDING ZOMG SUPAR FAST
http://www.soundupload.com/audio/097v7e8w7m0rb652 Typical 4chan guitar player.
[edit] Actually Learning the Guitar
Beginners can learn all manner of guitar playing tricks and master rock god techniques by playing video games like "Rock Band" or "Guitar Hero", both of which are responsible for over 9000 stupid fucking teenagers who suddenly think they are musicians. These people are actually shits, and possibly Emo fags. But hey, it's always good to add an extra 1d20 to your fat, disgusting, Warcraft-playing, basement-dweller chances of getting laid, amirite?
[edit] Lifecycle of a Guitarist
- 16-year-old loser wonders why no girl would want to be with him; then realizes that playing guitar will get jailbait sluts to suck his tiny penis.
- 16-year-old loser with long hair gets his mom to buy him a Fender Squier Stratocaster Starter Pack.
- 16-year-old loser takes photos of himself holding the guitar and posts them on his MySpace.
- 16-year-old loser attempts to play guitar, neighbors complain.
- 16-year-old loser utilizes sites such as Ultimate Guitar and learns to suck slightly less. Teen ego goes into hyperdrive.
- 16-year-old loser starts a band, records really shitty songs with a camera phone, then puts them on MySpace.
- 16-year old loser realizes how amazingly shitty he is when he receives comments about his crappy guitar playing.
- 16-year old loser realizes even the emo dog can play guitar better than him.
- 16-year-old loser's dad gets sick of it and smashes the guitar.
- 16-year-old loser cuts, runs away from home.
- 16-year-old loser runs out of money for blow, promptly becomes an hero. Makes the world a better place to live in.
[edit] People Who Play The Guitar
[edit] See Also
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Guitar is part of a series on Music. |
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Categories: Music | Crap
