Goth

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Standard Issue goths.

A wannabe-Goth. He will spend his entire life in his mother's attic composing great pieces of shitty poetry as he masturbates on his sister's ~~bras~~ yaoi.

Based on a true story

Goths are unwashed hippies. This sub-group of sub-groups is about as low as a person can get, and so begins the slippery slide of drugs unprotected sex and death. Known for sending subliminal messages in their shitty music to encourage them to worship the Dark Lord, they are avid practitioners of satanism, AIDS spreading and Christianity. Having been involved in animal sacrifices, blood sacrifice, ritualistic child abuse, ritualistic sexual abuse, and even human sacrifice are qualifications of being Goth. In rare cases, they have been spotted on MySpace, normally in a group (or herd/clan).

Those who want to be Goth are generally angsty teens, sixteen year-old attention whores and closeted gay boys who are still in high school. They are obsessed with "dark" music and "dark" poetry, and come in two sizes: morbidly obese and flies-on-the-face Ethiopian-thin.

Want to troll a goth? Ask them why there are never any black, Asian, or Hispanic goths.

Want to troll a troll? Dir en Grey.

1 A Brief History of Goth
2 Types of Goths
3 Rules of Being a Goth
4 Evolution
5 Empty Threats, Lulz and You
6 An Account
7 Pictures
8 See also
- 8.1 Notable Goths
9 External links

[edit] A Brief History of Goth

Goths and Vandals once lived in harmony.

The Goths were East Germanic tribes who, in the 3rd and 4th centuries, harried the Roman Empire and later adopted a form of Christianity. In the 5th and 6th centuries, divided as the Visigoths and the Ostrogoths, they established powerful successor-states of the Roman Empire in the Iberian peninsula and Italy, respect

The origins of the Goths and their enemies the Emi tribe is described by Michael Jordan|Michæles Jordanes in his 'Gothica':

"You surely remember that in the beginning I said the Goths went forth from the bosom of the island of Satani with Berik, their king, sailing in only three ships toward the hither shore of Ocean, namely to Gothisatani. One of these three ships proved to be slower than the others, as is usually the case, and thus is said to have given the tribe their name, for in their language Ermohen means slow. These slow people were given so severe a telling off that they started crying and whining; the Emos were born unto the world!" (xvii.94-95)

Alaric, King of the Goths. Not gay.

In the middle ages "goth" became a term to describe something that was gaudy and barbaric. So in essence, the definition of the word has yet to change.

During the same period, the adjective "Gothic" came to denote a kind of Cathedral built by the French (it is therefore logical to assume that a secondary meaning to the word goth is "GAY"). This style emphasized large, open ceilings which would reach upwards towards some dude who doesn't even exist as well as multiple windows allowing in as much light as possible. Contrast this with modern goths and please to be reading the definition of irony.

Later the goth movement adopted the KISS-metal look, that would later devolve into Black Metal, in the mid-70s. Sometime in the mid-'80s, thanks to Ozzy Osbourne, Venom, and Marilyn Manson, it morphed into the "Gothic look," involving pale skin, shatterproof hair, fake vampire teeth and excessive amounts of eyeliner. For some inexplicable reason this fad caught on, and thus the "goths" were born.

Like everything, the popularity of the goth look and lifestyle waxes and wanes. As a subculture, goth makes a rebirth about every 6 to 8 years, following. The current goth subculture is focused around Synthpop, Industrual, Deathrock, EBM, Gothic Rock, Futurepop, Halloween, and the films The Nightmare Before Christmas, Edward Scissorhands, and The Crow.

[edit] Types of Goths

In mainstream culture, goths are generally regarded as being all one group. But contrary to popular belief, there is a vast variety of different goths, distinctly known for what makes them annoying.

The important thing to remember is that nobody cares whether you are a LVL 47 BLACK METAL CYBER GOTH WITH TRENCHCOAT GOTH TENDENCIES. You only look like a fucking moron when you say you're a specific type of goth. I have yet to meet an "Industrial Goth" who listens to some actual fucking Industrial.

This is what a Betty Page goth strives to look like. Their efforts are usually cut short due to their obesity. Note the hair cut.

Some goths are actually mutated fruits.

Anime Nerd Goth: Goths that are overly annoying and love anime. The girls are generally ugly and wear little anime gloves and head bands that they bought at Sun Coast or some other place that sells shit quality anime accessories for disturbingly high prices. They suck cocks.

Betty Paige Goths: Known for their love for 1940's pin up girls. They are fuckable. Just be sure to shout "SURPRIZE!!11!!ONE!1" first.

Club Goth: Goths that twingle and dark industrial/electronic style concerts in the shadows.

Cyber Goth: Known for being on the computer 24/7 and their electronic dreads. They too are fuckable, but don't get your cock electrocuted.

Hot Topic Goth: (also known as: Main Stream Goth, Poseur Goth) Once popular in the late 90's - early 2000's, this style has died dramatically due to the the shift in market at hot topic from a goth counterculturething to an Sceneshowthing market.

Metal Goth: Goths that are into that heavy rock shit. Hated by tr00 metalheads. Have a pure, burning hatred for My Chemical Romance and anything emo. They, like raver goths are fond of baggy black pants, with half his or her own weight in chains. Usually males wear loads of spiked jewelry, while females generally wear none at all.

Metal Goths are ALWAYS trolls. ~~NO EXCEPTIONS~~ except when they are HAWT!!!11!!one!

Raver Goth: Known for their large baggy black pants; that have a neon trim and possibly some suspenders if they are cool enough, this style of goth was originally all the goth kids that started to go to raves. Most of these goths have went from dark to light and are full pacifier suckin' ravers who like upbeat happy-hardcore.

S&M Goth: Attempts to fit into another sub-genre that is even more fucked up than themselves. Identifiable by the streaks of cum on their second-hand latex leggings and on thier hoods. They are good for Bukkake.

Torrid Goth: Originally a break off of Hot Topic for the more plus size gothic market, the Torrid goth style quickly died when the owners realized no one would buy this shit so they quickly renovated their stores to appeal to a more Classy-Ghettoesque-Baby Phat style and that kinda preppy-punky thing where a fat chick will wear jeans, a tank top, and have her knock-off Chanel purse but considers herself "alternative" because she has hair that is spiked in the back.

Trench Coat Goths: Widely known for wearing the same trench coat everyday, and the trench coat being the only thing they are known for. They wear it all the time, even in summer when it's too fucking hot. Do not mistake their red and sweaty face for hatred of mankind, they're just sweating in their coats, hoping nobody will notice. But everyone always does, and that's why the best reaction is to lulz at them, or throw muffins and beer bottles in the direction of their heads. Favorite activities include school shootings and researching Columbine (Lolumbine) to find out how to be moar trenchcoat. They like teh Matrix, but they don't understand the story, they just has fascinations for trenchcoatz and hope that people will think they can fight and do gay ass bullet dodging like Neo (Fag no wadaimeen) in order to avoid drive by muffining-or real drive by shootings with real firearms, which no trenchcoat goth owns. But they can't inspire fear, because they look so funny trying to look all mean while fighting their trenchcoat which is constantly flying up in their faces when it's windy, or knocking over chip stands at the corner store while trying to look all Sephiroth and ominous. They often get stopped by the cops because they look teh suspicious wearing a trench in the middle of Summer, and then cops just lulz at them when they find out they're not dangerous, and are merely individuals devoid of any real Goth or criminal traits, and are also victims of no life having. The secret shame of the trenchcoat goth is having absolutely no criminal record (lol) and the only time they have one is when they kill themselves after killing a bunch of students in some learning establishment. (LOL!)

Hot Goth: (Also known as "Goth, Larval State") Easily the rarest goth of all, roughly 0.000001% of all goths worldwide are new to the goffic style and do not know how to push these boundaries just yet. This minuscule percentage of goths wears a minimum of makeup, and instead chooses to display their frighteningly white skin au naturel. Usually with one or two facial piercings, all are physically and mentally weak and are of course ripe targets for your tender loving care. PROTIP: All Hot Goths are sluts so even you have a chance with them. WARNING: When Larval Goths are exposed to any of the other kinds of Goth, they transform immediately into what is known as the "Boss Form", more commonly referred to as "Fucking Retarded".

So Serious Goths: Faggots who do not respond well to trolling. I know, how redundant, but these faggy goths are usually pretty old and jaded, being raped by hobos, etc. They don't like mudkipz, nothing is SO cash to them. These goths decide to kill the lulz because they are failures at life.

[edit] Rules of Being a Goth

NEVER, under any circumstance, classify your self as a "GOTH". Make fun of goths to protect your "non-goth" image. If you call yourself a "goth" you are eternally condemned to be a poser.

Call all of your children 'Damien'.

Buy two pets (any animal) and called them Buffy and Angel. (Well, my neighbors did, and they're goths...)

~~Get a tattoo that looks like something from a Tim Burton 'animated' film; i.e Corpse Bride/Nightmare Before Christmas. Because even when your 50 that will still be 'So' cool.~~ This is slowly being done away with, by telling the world that Tim Burton is a pedophile.

Hang around graveyards or cemeteries with your creepy ~~buddies~~ minions/sex slaves. The more the merrier... or not as the case may be.

????

PROFIT!!!!11!!one!

Vehemently insult those who listen to Slipknot, Marilyn Manson, or MCR to feel smug that you are the tr00 gawffikk of darKNEZZ inkarnaete and that NO 14 year old is going to spit on what has been a 20-year slump for you. Including the part where you got AIDS from working the glory hole. Go about your day thinking your all much unique- in reality, YOU AIN'T BITCH!

[edit] Goth Canon

Canon goth music is made up mostly of the genres Goth Rock, Death Rock (more closely related to horror punk), and Darkwave (an offshoot of synthpop). There are other, less popular goth genres and subgenres, including Ethereal, Dark Cabaret, Gothabilly/Psychobilly, Martial Industrial, and Neoclassical. The following is an accurate portrayal of goth music:

Goths are also universally fond of Gothic novels , Vampirefreaks, DarkRaves, Jhonen Vasquez comics, Lenore and GloomCookie, Tim Burton movies, The Crow, and The Matrix. Unless they're stupid "Metal Goths", who hate reading, and get Cs in school as a result.

[edit] Goth Fashion

Exercise your pet Goth every day.

Just as black is the absence of color, Goth is the absence of fashion. Goth fashion has and will always be about black. In order to be truly "Goth," one must wear as much black as possible, regardless of season, weather, time of day, occasion or temperature.

Pokemon Goth is too cheap for Raven Manic Panic.

Indeed, the more black one wears the more "hardcore" goth one is perceived as being, since only posers would let a 100 degree day prevent them from wearing those baggy black pants and long-sleeve black vinyl shirt to the mall.

The one exception to this is the skin, which must be as pasty white as possible; if a goth accidentally exposes his or her skin to the light, they usually paint their faces with clown pancake makeup before applying their black lipstick and inch-wide streaks of eyeliner. This is not a trivial task, since the pastier and whiter a goth's skin gets, the higher the chances of being ostracized. In order to mitigate potential social rejection (for which most goths secretly pine), goths must be prepared to make up any excuse to explain their obvious aversion of sunlight.

Though the subculture's general style has evolved over the past two decades, it still attempts to embrace a certain attitudinal spookiness. Modern goths, however, tend to dress either like characters from The Matrix (see "Goth Canon", above), or to focus on the more traditional, pseudo-Victorian look (while paradoxically having dramatic flairs of patently punk-styled hair). On the other hand, buying and wearing a Batman costume is just as effective.

[edit] Naming Conventions and Syntax

Wannabe-Goths (a.k.a. "goths") typically choose nicknames for themselves because they're doing it wrong. These "goth" names are serious business, and should you call a "goth" by their real name (which is usually something like Brian Warner or Jeordie) they will get OMG offended. This self chosen name is often melodramatic.

Anyone who calls themselves "Wolf" but isn't a Goth or a Injun is always a pedophile. Every person called Spider is a date-rapist and only has one testicle.

Wannabe-Goths also think that they have to speak a certain way in order to be fit in. Therefore, to the ignorant mainstream, Goth is possibly the only clique to be able to produce TL;DR responses to verbal speech. Basically This cheeseburger is fucking tasty translates to O how I loath thee, fatty demon of cheese and quartered cow. And yet you fill me with such blissful, passionate glee.

[edit] Goth Diet

Goths are mustards, and subsist solely on their own feelings of social ostracism. To feed, a goth must try to solicit fear, contempt, or ridicule from mundanes. This causes an avalanche condition in fat goths. Because goths are so non-conformist, typically, back in the 90's, a male goth was skinny while a female goth was fat. This changed though as soon as Goths became CyberGoths and flooded the Rave scene and thereby lost the weight/gained the muscle to become the elitist posh bitches/bastards that they are today.

[edit] Evolution

Due primarily to the German goths finally getting bored with mincing about like prats in black lipstick, the European scene has been slipping ever more drastically in the direction of candy-raving manic happy shit. In some sort of attempt to combine wearing bright colors and raving on ecstasy with the ethos and aesthetic of the gothic movies they still like to watch, the techno and trance tracks continue to be suspiciously overlayed with "sinister" sounding chanting about death, rape, murder and other goth past times.

American Goths are shitting brix because they think these goths are not really goths anymore at all. Though still a pretentious minority, at least these are a step away from boring fucking black-dyed hair, corsets and ugly virginal men in baggy white vampire shirts and capes.

[edit] Empty Threats, Lulz and You

“	"[J]ust remember jackholes that when you take the piss out of people like this long enough, you wind up with another Columbine massacre. Just keep it coming..."	„
—Focus, b&

One unique aspect of goths is that, unlike furries and emos, Goth kids are hilarious when trolled. While furries decide that it's time to get on their fucked-up soapbox and preach about "equality" for bestiality, and emos just cry, Goth kids make some of the longest, funny, and empty threats that you will ever hear. Why, even this page has seen its share of goth angst!

Goth kids seem to think that if you talk like Edgar Allan Poe or H.P. Lovecraft, they'll scare the mundanes into showing them respect. Sadly, IRL, this is not always the way things work out.

However, if you run into the So Serious Goth who is unaffected by your trolling attempts, including copypasta and memes, I suggest you pack your bags and move on, BUT for lulz, always ask why so serious.

[edit] An Account

“	I was 19 when I was in a drug rehab for a heroin addiction. We had this guy O.D. in the bathroom, and although the nurses tried to revive him, he died at the scene. "It took the ambulance like 15 minutes to come and get him. They obviously had been made aware that they were just picking up a corpse and took their time. I was able to get a good glimpse of his body for about 4 or 5 good minutes. I marveled at it. I remember the nice, dark place that he was now in, and I looked into his dead eyes. I wanted to be there with him. They left the needle in his arm when they took him away. "For some reason, the officials forgot to remove his shoes from the bathroom. They stayed in there for about 2 days, and I could not stand it any longer. They were a little tight on me, but I got them to fit my feet without socks. I wore them around in the drug rehab for the rest of the time. People noticed, but didn't care. I was in heaven. I wore them everywhere, and walked with a new confidence that I carried part of his dead sole with me. "Those shoes were also cursed. Whilst visiting my grandmother in Maryland a few years later, I was still wearing my shoes of doom. My aunt 'Pat' (alias), got to them, and threw them in the trash compactor because after I bragged about them to my family, it creeped her out. "3 MONTHS LATER, she was herself found dead at home, lying in her bed and my mom got scared and said "You're movin' with your Auntie and Uncle in Bel Air." I whistled for a cab and when it came near, the license plate said FRESH and it had dice on the mirror. If anything, I could say that this cab was rare, but I thought "Man, forget it." - "Yo homes, to Bel Air" I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8 And I yelled to the cabbie "Yo homes smell ya later." I looked at my kingdom; I was finally there, to sit on my throne as the Prince of Bel Air.	„

Clearly an example for us all.

Another excerpt from a faggotized 14th century Beethoven goth (notice the worship for Satan and the wish for being sodomized by him at the tender age of 12):

“	"To his chamber they sprang with excitement in there thighs to entwine in eternal miraculous play".....A My name is S****r, I’m seventeen years of age. I consider my self to be in league with the GREAT UNHOLY ONE. I am a Satanist, always was and never new it (until my mom got scared and said "You're movin' with your Auntie and Uncle in Bel Air." I whistled for a cab and when it came near, the license plate said FRESH and it had dice on the mirror. If anything, I could say that this cab was rare, but I thought "Man, forget it." - "Yo homes, to Bel Air" I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8 And I yelled to the cabbie "Yo homes smell ya later." I looked at my kingdom; I was finally there, to sit on my throne as the Prince of Bel Air -a year ago). With that said, I cant deny or brush off for that will be ignorant of me, the magnificent influences Religion has impacted on the past and still shapes the present. I enjoy sophisticated classical music and black metal. My instrument of choice is obviously the piano. With its versatility of mood changing climaxes and striking beauty, it warms my cold heart. My second favorite instrument of soul grasping powers and sensuous sounds to the ears would have to be, hands down the accordion."	„

[edit] Pictures

Gallery of Doom and Gloom

A typical goth whore.	He's NOT having a good day.	Most goths think they look bad ass and evil. This goth looks like a fag.	Typical male goth.
A typical Goth Couple.	An AZN Goth. (Also is an Insane Clown Posse fan)	When the mockery became too much, Meat Loaf died his hair red and retired to the cemetery for some angst. Jon Stewart lurks in the background to comfort Mr. Loaf.	Some are goth well into their 50's.
Ya think ya got enough spikes thar, dude?	Cape Boy: furry, faggot, and all-around snazzy dresser.

[Collapse Gallery] [Expand Gallery] 0

Typical anime goth. Thinks she's “Kawaii”, just like all the other fugly anime goths.	I'M SO GOTH I SHIT BATS	GOTHS ARE NOT ABOVE SHITTING FAGGOTS	IMMA CHARGIN' MA RAZ0R.
Rebellious goths	YOUR DICK IN MY ASS MAKES ME FEEL SO TRVE !	lulz Everyday is Halloweeeen!	Typical anime-freak goth.
A goth in its natural habitat, typically graveyards and mausoleums, though they have been sighted in their mom's basement or a local Starbucks.	Note how even the Aeris cosplayer has friends compared to both the goth and the KISS member.	A gay goth.	Sexy tiem in da graveyard!!1!]]
Typical goth witches.	Stefan Ackermann of Das Ich covers his body with paint during concerts.	Typical CyberGoth; notice the condoms on its head. Also notice that it is Fapanese.