Gears Of War
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Gears Of War (moar liek Queers of War, amirite?) is a game based off the popular webseries Queers Of War. Following a similar storyline, the story features two gay lovers on their quest to kill a bunch of overgrown worms, save the world, and spend their days together in love. The game found notoriety when it was the first game for the Xbox 360 that anyone liked EVAR. It was dubbed a success when every Halo fanboy bought it, causing the creators to rofl at how much everyone cared about their shitty overrated game.
Contents |
Development Team Epic Fail Games
Doctor Mike Capps El Presidento ala Failgames inc.
Dr. Capps on the Associated Press:Clifford Foamy Buttsecks - Lead Fail Designer over at Epic Games:
Rod Furryson- Another Lead Fail Designer FFFFFFFFUUUUUUU.
Chadwardenn- Community Organizer AKA Deal Dough.
Vince- Lead Pimp @ Epic Studios brings all the Hookers with his NUTS!!! Built all of the gay shit in Queers of Whore 2, Thanks faggot!
????- Makes all of the gay shit in Queers of Whore 2 including the Dom and Marcus Hot Coffee mod which made the permavirgins upset.
Joe- Hardcore Programmer for the hardcore fans, he's responsible for WTC!!
Graphics
MOAR Realistic Fire Effects! MOAR boarder jumping Locusts!! invading yo place stealin all of yo Shit!!
"One Day I can imagine playing Gears of War 2, jizzing in my pants when I see that first headshot! Fuck yeaa!" - Alehondro Rodriguez.
No Permavirgin Fuck YOU!
With the New Unreal Engine 3 game developers are allowed to make bett3r Gaphix and more shit to get hyphy over!
Epic Games created a beautiful game with great graphix and lots of fun!
Characters
Marcus Phoenix - Your main character is Marcus. A big angry American fucking hero with bulging tumor like muscles who must scream like a rabid beast at everyone. Pretty much a Leonidas rip off. Marcus spent so much time getting butthurt in jail, that he now kills and conquers anything that is different from him. So basically we ( people who matter ) can relate to this glorious white supremacist.
Dominic Santiago - Same shit except useless because he's a spic and usually runs to the nearest locust bitch and impregnates her. This is to further spread his horrible brown plague to another species hoping it will create a lazier race that will end the war and probably lower their property value. In the second game Dom turns from Quiet riot, into crybaby little bitch, due to his Bitch wife getting captured by the locust forces, Dom looks alot like Wolverine
Augustus "Cole Train" Cole - He is the epitome of the American ape in its natural habitat. Jumping around, being cocky, and raping and killing the beautiful white monsters. Clearly he is a role model for all young black men to follow and look up to. Cole is known for being an unstopable one man army, dispite his A.I being worse than the average xboxlive gamer.
Damon Baird - Whiney, anonying, uptight, little grease 'n pimple faced shitbag, Who also doubles as the team's Engineer and sex-slave. Baird is basicly just Anon, in the future, carrying a chainsaw rifle, and without being a fat Fucking basement dweller, In the second game, absolutely nothing has changed. Everybody hates Baird
Dizzy Wailin - Texan repair man / driver. Dizzy is a COG slave forced to Crew their tanks and Reel in the cash, Dizzy has a Cowboy hat and an old 70's pistol, dispite this game being set over 9000 years into the future, He basicly looks like that toothless old tramp you see busking outside your local MacD's every friday night.
Tai Calisto - A Fat, white, retarded version of Mr. T covered with fake tribal tattos. Tai beleaves himself to have some vague form of magic other-worldly powers that prevent him from death. but that theory is soon put to rest upon his unexpected An heroing upon the Locust slave-ship. Tai is extremely easy to headshot is pretty much the worst characer in the game
Benjamin / Anthony Carmine - Take the whitest, most nerdy motherfucker you know (It may even be you!, double his geek levels. No wait, fucking tripple them. Upon doing so, said person will only be a fraction of the faggot that Carmine has always been. In each game they release, a new memeber of the Carmine family joins the Delta sqaud, and likewise, he promptly gets himself fucking sniped, or eaten, or burned to death, or whatever tom and jerry bullshit the dev's can come up with.
Victor Hoffman - Generic all american hero, and leader of the COG's millitary forces. he looks alot like Major chip hazard, from "Toy soilders", He is also a closet homo. but then again: so is everyone in the army
Weapons
The weapons in this game really do bring the game to life, as nearly every weapon can kill someone in one shot. The creators probably made it this way so teams would have to work together on XBox Live, but since everyone on Xbox live is a 13 year old racist, no one does and simply uses the shotgun. This makes killing said 13 year old racists with other guns all the lulzier. The only weapons not to follow the said trend are the rifles that both the teams get which do pretty much no damage at all and take over 9.000 shots to kill anyone! HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT I ONLY WROTE IT SO I COULD HAVE AN EXCUSE TO SAY "OVER 9000"
Another notable feature is that your main gun has a chainsaw on the end of it. It's ZOMG awesome of the most epic kind, even though it's useless and only n00bs who don't know how to play get caught in it.
If you're so noble as to play "fair", then according to everyone that plays Gears of War, you can only use the smoke grenade and nothing else. Otherwise, you're cheating if you headshot someone across the map when they obviously shot you with their shotgun.
Some noteable gears weaponry being:
The Lancer - The COGS infintry rifle. The only unique and creative weapon in the game. and even then: it's just a rifle and a chainsaw, ripped straight out of Evil dead. In the first game, the instant killing chainsaw attack was the cause of much online butthurt, dispite it being extremely easy to counter / dodge, and leaves the user completely defenceless. In the most recent game, two players weilding this weapon can engage in "Chainsaw Duels" where you must MASH THE FUCKING B BUTTON AS HARD AND FAST AS YOU CAN, FGT only to end up looseing the duel anyway, and bitching over the mic about it.
The Hammerburst - The Locust's basic footsoilders gun. In the Original, this weapon fired concentrated bursts of locust bullets, forcing players to use some vague levels of aiming and skill to actually kill anything with it. in the right hands this weapon was deadly. but of course, the crybaby little faggots on Xboxlive did'nt like this, so the gun was remade into a simple pray and spray machine gun that even the most retarded of children can use effectively, as seen in: every shooter game ever. The only problem being: it's very slow, and has almost no ammo clip. fucking newfags
The Hammer of dawn - the COG strike and destroy weapon. Upon aiming the barely visable crosshair at your distant target, with the button held firmy down, the Gears can call upon a mighty space lazer to blast their foes into little chunks of white shit, also, for whatever reason this gun is the only weapon in the game that requires THREE melee hits to down another player. as if Anybody would attempt to melee with the second longest range weapon in the game.
Frag / Ink / Smoke Grenade - The most fun you'll have in the entire game. This is the developers way of subtly trolling the retarded children that play this game online.
The Frag grenade is the generic blast bomb, ignore it. its boring.
The Ink Grenade explodes on the spot it lands, covering the area with a thick cloud of oil and shit, anyone caught inside will choke and die.
The Smoke grenade causes anyone caught in the blast to be send flying backwards over 9000 feet. lots of lulz can be found in doing this. UPDATED! Last Thursday the Gears of War multiplayer made it so that when the Somke grenade goes off, you cover your head and stand there frozen with your ass turned toward the sky waiting to be buttfucked by God or whoever shoves a shotgun up your asshole first.
More importantly, ALL of these can be "tagged" to a player by meleeing them with the grenade equiped, after three seconds the 'nade detonates, and it's effects are passed on to anyone within range of the tagged noob, as you can guess, much butthurt can be created.
Everything else - Everything else in gears is The Expected, boring, generic gay weapons, such as The Sniper, The rocket launcher, the THREE types of pistol, the shotgun, the other shotgun, the mortar, the machine gun, and the penis.
Story
One day Marcus was in jail. and Dom was all liek, Marcus, this blows ass. ur free now. and Marcus was like, Dom lets killthe locusts because guns. and Dom was like yeab Marcus that ruls. here take lucost gun.
and then they ascaped.
then, a bridge fell down, and they ran to helicopter and escaped before a spider could ate htem.
then, Marcus meta hot chicks named Anya. and she sexed him in the helicoptr. they landed and it was owkwurd becuase kernel Hoffman was there and he was her father and he was all liek, Marcus, you give me 90$ fenis. and find the resonator. it knows the locust and we can lightbomb them with white stuff. and Marcus was like, no Hoffman i give you 110 dollars but i'm not doing this you.l
then, the next day, they found a col tran and Kim died because dodge ram sworded him through the chest. Marcus cried a manly tear. carmine also died somhow through the face hole. butmauybe he wasent actually dead.........
then they went around lookin for the resonatr but cuoldn't find it because they it becam dark. os the bats came out and started trying to chop them. they excaped to the new car and drove it to the undterground tunnels to actavate the resanator. then they kills som thern gards and escapd. but it didn't work somehow. but markus new that there was maps with his dads stuff.
they all went to marcuses dads home and found some sweet data computers about the tunnels. so they went back to hte train and put the computer on the bomb. but htejnn dodge rammm appeard and said FOR THE QUEEN and markus was like, fuck, this is a hard bitch of boss. and Dom was liek, no use the torkque bowq. and then it almost asploded but they jumped to a helicopter, and Hoffman was liek , Marcus, i like you. you can come to myhouse and fuck my daughter.
and he did.
end.
Multiplayer
The online experience is automatically better than single player, since single player is mediocre. Don't let this fool you though, since multiplayer is still gayer than the YMCA. And there taint nothin' gayer dan teh YMCA.
Multiplayer requires a team of Gears and a team of Locust to go and kill each other in awesome maps that all look the same with the same kickass weapon for a few hours. It's not the epitome of playing games online on Xbox Live, and if you have it you are deemed a faggot.
Aside from this, it is also glitched to hell. The host of a match will get "host shotgun", which means his shotgun will fire 0.00000000001 seconds faster than your shotgun. This will lead every player on the opposing team to bitch and moan about this minor advantage until the game ends or they manage to get a kill. Most people agree that if you are killed by another player wielding a shotgun, that person has host and is an utter fag. You can also run faster with another glitch, chainsaw yourself, rapid fire sniper rifle and even jump out of the game. Of course, about 99% of the players on Gears are either permavirgins, Mexicans, Niggers, or just plain fail, if you haven't figured it out already.
Any player who has an IQ of 90 knows to run for the power weapons at the beginning of the round, but this means you have to dash there before anyone else wise enough to want them, gets there. This requires you memorizing the map and practicing countless times until you can sprint to a weapon faster than Speedycat. However, if you're a newfag to a map you are utterly destined to be a shotgun wielding cannon fodder who is ignored by the rest of the team. This is another reason to NEVAR EVAR play ranked matches, because some fags are half-retarded, which means they'll run and grab the power weapons and then they don't know how to use them.
An important feature of Gears of War is its cover system where your character can take cover from enemy fire. In single player, your fag is so loaded with armor that he can't bend over (except during buttsecks), making the cover system total fail. In multiplayer, it is more useless than Terri Schiavo because everybody just charges your ass if you even attempt to use it.
Online play isn't completely crap though. You can achieve some good lulz out of killing people with the pistol/sniper rifle/boomshot/Pork-Bow/smoke grenade/any weapon that requires skill(NO SHOTGUN), raping a Locust or Gear when they are downed, killing two cops, chainsawing every motherfucker in the game (therefore getting called a noob because the fag was too much of a retard to avoid it), and generally being better than everyone else.
Queers of Whore 2
Following in Gaylo's footsteps, the people at EPIC Studios have announced that Gears will be getting a sequal, but to fags everyweres astonishment there would not be a 3rd for at least 9000 years. The new game brings in moar ghey features, like the ability to bumrape an enemy while using him as a shield, and also brings back the azn that died in the last game, even though everyone knows he killed himself after going on a rampage and killing 32 locusts.
Clifford Fucking Blizzinski game design over at Epic Fail Games Inc. thought it would be awesome to introduce 2 new players to the multiplayer which in the end created shitloads of lag.
Horde mode gave the game a whole new way to play with your IRL friends killing Locusts.
Players often exploited the game online finding new ways to fuck the game with glitches which led to an uprising of angry IRL 13 year old boys.
The new Multiplayer brought a new and improved matchmaking system won but was slowly gaining a popularity to typical gears of war players because whoever had the highest rank got IRL Buttsexz.
Quote tooken from a thread in the Epic forums, " Fuck you Epic Fuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you EpicFuck you Epic." - Clifford Blizzinski LOL WUT???!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Reviews of the final product in Early November granted Glitches of War 9 E-penises outa 10.
Also, THEY'RE SINKING CITIES WITH GIANT WORMS!! ZOMG!!
The average multiplayer game consists of these players:
Your Team: You, Dumbass, Dumbass, A pretty cool guy, AFK faggot (Who, if you're lucky, will be replaced with a shitty AI.)
Other Team: Chainsaw faggot, Chainsaw faggot, 2pee-cen slut, Boomshot whore, Torque Bow dick.
- 9/10 times the other team will be comprised of loud niggers.
- The other 1/10 times FOREIGNERS
Novels
Apparently, some broad who wrote Star Wars books or some shit is now being asked to write a tie-in to the Gears of War games, titled Gears of War: Aspho Fields, the first book of three, set to hit shelves late October 2008. Of course, being a woman she's guaranteed to mess it up, since everyone knows that chicks don't know shit about video games.
UPDATE: So the book gives you all the backstory that the game didn't, but that's gay because nobody plays video games for the story anymore; They just want ass-raping, face-fucking, up-in-your-grill violence with lots of gut-splattering and explosions and huge tits, where you play a big muscular guy with veins the size of garden hoses screaming at another Hulk look-alike while bullets zip by your head and the guy next to you gets blown into meaty chunks by a mortar, spraying your character with bolognese sauce.
The book is full of AWESOME ACTION SCENES and lots of BAWWWWWWWing about Dom's brother getting blown up or something. Baird gets punched in the face by an old woman. The book also perpetuates the fact that Mexicans breed like rabbits on ecstasy, mentioning several times that Dom has like eight kids by the time he's 20.
Until then -http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5270210/1/Gears_of_war_3
A TRUE and HONEST Gears of War Review
 |
Gears Of War is part of a series on Gaming |
| Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage. |
