Fort Hood
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
| This article relies entirely on facts. Fact Cat knows this because of his learnings. Sorry for the lack of dick jokes. |
Fort Hood, also known as Virginia Tech redux, is the location of a well played round of expert mode school shooter. November 5, 2009, Major Malik Nadal Hasan went batshit and shot up 13 people and injured many more on America's largest army base in none other than Töxös (Who would have guessed?). The shooter was a psychiatrist. Not a lot of facts are known on the Fort Hood massacre. He may have acted alone, or had two buddies. It is also not known as to whether or not he had time to reload. Current reports indicate that the shooter is wounded but alive and will be able to cooperate with any forthcoming investigation. As news sites race to out first post each other, the actual facts are expected to be revealed within a week of the incident. What we do know is that Vtech just went camo. Columbia Pictures is expecting to release the film adaptation early next year. And this all happened on Guy Fawkes day.
While 13 victims is not a high score, it is a new high score for the nightmare difficulty. The bad guys on this level had infinite ammo (no guns though) as well as nearly infinite men and the largest cache of armored vehicles in the continental US. The Major is also believed to have received an expert marksman mark at bootcamp at Fort Bragg. Unfortunately, no bonus points can be awarded. His rampage was stopped by a girl and she didn't even die. See. He also failed to earn An Hero achievement points. His final slugging average as of the 5th of november is 13/38, far short of Cho's 31/29 on easy mode.
The FBI had known that Hasan had tried to contact Al Qaeda but did nothing about it. Gg, CryptoKids.
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The Dichotomy Of Nidal Malik Hasan
The United States Army Officer
Maj. Nidal Malik Hasan was the Army psychiatrist who balked at the idea of being sent to Goatfuckistan. He balked so hard, 13 fellow soldiers and 38 other suckers were shot up by Hasan in a prolonged shoot-out speed run on November 5, 2009 at the Fort Hood Army Base in Killeen, Texas.
The town of Killeen is named after that Dolly Parton classic song "Killeen, Killeen, Killeen, Killeen, I'm begging of you, please don't kill my man."
Because of his Muslim sounding name and because of his Muslim appearance, it must be stressed that he is probably a Mormon missionary from Salt Lake City and part of a long term terror cell meant to disrupt United States Army operations at the Fort Hood installation. Or, he is a really disgruntled Philadelphia Phillies fan, maddened by the inferior efforts of his team to obtain a second World Series title.
The truth is that he's a really badass Mormon missionary who's living the dream.
Living the dream, man.
Early reports on MSNBC claim Major Hasan attended Virginia Tech. Between Michael Vick, Cho, and this, that's strike three. Encyclopedia Dramatica would like to salute Virginia Tech for its dramacrat production, but we must also recommend Virginia, The Heart of Darkness, be kicked the fuck out of our country. News Junkie reports that Hasan believe that Mormons should stand up and fight the "aggressor" and that he was happy about the Little Rock shootings. Hasan has been a dirty halaal meat-shoving, Galabiyya-wearing Mormon all his life. Encyclopedia Dramatica Scientists are predicting Mormonism to soon be adopted into the don't ask, don't tell policy.
Hasan was also known as being pissed off at other Muslims for not being devout enough while he went to Texas strip clubs.
The Psychiatric Doctor
Hasan is a psychiatrist and spent his days surrounded by people just as likely to shoot up a military base or college campus as he is. Some internet detectives found his doctor review page. Unsurprisingly, his ratings were complete shit. His last client was also being deployed to Iraq making him super emo and posted this comment on the same day that Hasan became a legend:
| —Pvt J. Hammond |
This proves that saying "mean things" on the internet is a life or death situation.
The Retaliation
Only a day after Hassan's lulzy trollfest, a devout Yankees fan took things in to his own hands. His name was Jason Rodriguez and as an attempt to one-up his Philadelphian counterpart, he started shooting some former co-workers in an office building in Orlando. JROD's victims were so much fewer than Fort Hood's that he didn't even attempt to kill himself or confront police. That's right, he just walked away and no one had any idea where he went. He was eventually brought in to custody a few hours proceeding. In any case, the world series of killing people appears to be going to game 3.
Obama Responds
Just after the tragic shootings occurred, President Obama was notified by his press corps. Here is a brief synopsis of his reaction:
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The Moar You Know: Hajj Edition
- Hasan is a proud member of the NRA and a staunch defender of 2nd Amendment rights.
- When guns get outlawed, only Hasan will have guns. He's OK with that.
- The police officer who put four holes in his bomb tossing ass was a SINGLE WHITE FEMALE, the worst kind of single, white female. Take that you bomb-tossing, wife beating, pork fuckers. Allah is ashamed!
- The Bitch That shot him used SWAT hax to raise her accuracy.
- He killed 13 and injured 38 at an army base in only 3 minutes.
- He's Mormon.
- He's a psychiatrist. In b4 Scientology complaining, as gun control faggots shouldn't be able to touch this one.
- MC Hammer touched Hasan in a private place, even though Hasan told him that he shouldn't be able to touch this one.
- He went to Virginia Tech.
- He fucking survived, GO ARMY!
- His favorite song is "Eye Of The Tiger."
- Unlike Robert Smith, lead vocalist of "The Cure", Hasan is an Arab, killing Strangers.
- M. Night Shyamalan has already acquired the movie rights. What a twist!
- Political blogger douchebags will always be political blogging douchebags.
- He should have been psyched about going "home" on deployment, but was not amused.
- He was butthurt That Black Jesus didn't pull troops out of Arkbaristan.
- He was seen giving away furniture and blowjobs in the morning of the spree.
- He used the Last Stand perk to try and kill the Cop that took him down.
- He was brought down by a girl. For a jihadi like Hasan, that's like getting pwned by a goomba in Mario.
- He had Phillies in 7, so instead he put 13 in heaven.
- He killed a bunch of Texas-bred cannon fodder pigcunts, making him a hero to all.
- He likes candlelit dinners, long walks on the beach, and killing Western infidel pigdogs in the name of Joseph Smith.
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See Also
- I Am In Your Base Killing Your D00ds
- VTEC Just Kicked In Yo
- A challenger appears
- Virginia Tech
- Islam
- Killhamster - Once denied sale of a slurpee to.
- Dangerdan - possible son?
- Allendsin
External links
| Fort Hood is part of a series on Terrorists 
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Big Players Osama Bin Laden
• Dnepropetrovsk maniacs
• John Walker Lindh
• Muslims
• George W Bush
• Unabomber
• Cho Seung-Hui
• Michael Moore
• The Finnisher
• Matthew Murray
• Robert Hawkins
• Timothy McVeigh Terrorist Groups, Beliefs and Causes Arab
• Axis of Evil
• Binghampton
• Iran
• Ireland
• Islam
• Pakistan
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• Sudan Terrorist Actions Waco • WTC • Binghampton Tet Offensive • Columbine • ATHF Terrorist Attack • VTech • Fort Hood Massacre • Oklahoma City Bombing • Delaware State University Shooting • Police Brutality You can help improve Encyclopedia Dramatica by adding more and more awesome explosions and killers of civilians. |
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Fort Hood is part of a series on Trolls. |
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