Fleshlight
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
A fleshlight is a special sex toy that has stood out among other mere sex toys on the internets. It's basically a portable vagina in an enclosure that even Helen Keller wouldn't mistake for a flashlight, with “2 million dollars spent in research and development”. In other words it is money well-spent to satisfy the pathetic needs of basement dwellers, whilst laminating their V cards in the process of failure.
Fleshlights come in many varieties ranging from mouths, asses, vaginas, and whatever else to suit your sexual needs. They also come in pink and clear. Note that all the types and colors feel the same, and it's just to satisfy your greedy needs. (You are probably the most likely person on Earth to buy one of each color, inner texture, case color, and type. Geek.) If the makers of fleshlight really wanted to make increase their profits ten-fold, they would appeal to the furry market by making a series of dog vaginas for these sick fucks. Unsurprisingly many threads in /b/ pop up from time to time with people considering buying one, while others laugh their asses off at the original poster.
| —Holy Wanker, Does anyone have a clue about what the fuck he's talking about? |
Contents |
Fleshlight Videos
Anyone else find it ironic that a woman would be doing a demo?
Above is the greatest video for the fleshlight evar.
Gallery
 vagina in a convenient package. |
 For closetcases too! |
 Motivate me, /b/! |
 This review brought out a butthurt response by an obvious fleshlight owner. |
 Note how the lotion covers her nose. |
 Mom helping her son with sex ED. |
 LHC version for you theoretical physicists |
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 Can you help me, Ryan? |
 Even futanari love teh fleshlight. |
 Fan+Fleshlight=Awesome |
 Typical Fleshlight setup. |
 Now furries can have fleshlights,too! |
 Fuck it. What's the worst that could happen? |
Copypasta
This is a copypasta that has circulated around /b/ that divides despair by zero. It originally was a true post by someone on the fleshlight website's forums titled something like, "Fleshlight makes me want to kill myself.":
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It's not the Fleshlight's fault, really. Just the fact that trying to use the one I ordered for my 34th birthday has rammed home the basic fact that I am a loser and that I am never going to get laid in my life. I am apparently both too small and too big to use the Fleshlight. Small in the I ordered four inserts at once, three supertights with the three sorts of textures -- wave, ribbed, bumped -- and one ultratight. With all of them I have been having an incredible struggle to find a comfortable position to get in with my enormous stomach to allow for using the thing long enough to get off. I apparently developed a way to masturbate by hand that deluded myself into thinking I was normal. I am obviously not. I can only seem to go about an inch and a half into this Fleshlight before my fat gets in the way and the smallness of my Today is my 34th birthday. I have never had a girlfriend in my life, due to being a shy fatass with an ugly skin condition that I was afraid of having anyone see by taking my clothes off. I am so incredibly fucking lonely and depressed. I just want to be able to hug a woman, to hold her in my arms. Sex is frankly secondary to me, which is lucky given that I haven't had any except with my own hand. I bought this thing thinking I would treat myself and make myself happier, but it has just driven home how fucked I am. I guess my only hope at this point is to find a woman who doesn't mind me only using oral sex on her because my |
Lesson: DO SOME SIT-UPS FATTY!!!!
Material
Made out of pink bubblegum, and flesh that's peeled of the pavement after a jumper has made a victorious ending; the fleshlight is the most unnatural alternative to a cunt you will ever feel. It also comes in variety of 'textures', one of which only appears in the natural world during an STD outbreak. Pedobear is said to have designed the 'ultra-tight' one just for you. You'll love it.
Raid
On the 30th of August, there was a massive raid of the www.fleshlight.com customer service Live Help chat. /b/lackup was called, and lulz were had. Many people answered stupid fucking questions as politely as possible because they were at work. It is to be expected that you'll get trolled working for a sex toy company, so there was no remorse. Many people answered calls and chat window; among them Felsiberto, Ahmed, Todd, some dumb bitch, and of course Ryan.
Ryan actually had a sense of humor and went along with the many forced memes thrown at him, like mudkips as well people claiming to accidentally an entire fleshlight.
Another raid ensued on September 21st, causing even more lulz, especially for those who missed out. Turns out, Ryan found his way to /b/ and even began posting there. His dick was jumped on immediately by many an anon.
Screen cap software
On 09/09/09 a raid thread was started, everyone hit fleshlight like a loli, when this happened...
anon laughed at newfag, some cried this would be a forced meme, but it may only be mentioned in a fleshRAID.
Gallery
 Ahmed gets his cherry pooped |
 Ryan first starting out |
 Ryan's catching on... |
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 the problem isn't on Ryans end |
 No, thank you. |
 Ryan??... You decide. |
 Thomas gets pwned with style! |
The Raid stopped being funny when they shut down their chat center that night, and Ryan was declared a GODlol. After that, the newfags got a hold of the raid and promptly broke Rules 1 and 2 by LINKING HIM TO /b/. Regardless of the fail, the screenshots taken of the raid are still floating around; once in a blue fucking moon you'll find a new one that doesn't suck. But mostly, it's newfags repeating what we did the first time.
The Ryantology commandments to be posted here later, bitch.
Also see
The lulzy Japanese answer to the Fleshlight; the perfect imported gift for Americunts who loev getting their rocks off to anime; a combination of Ramen and dickbang called the "Cup Nude."
It wins. Srsly.
Links
- Actual website, JEWS DID FLESHLIGHT!
- Clearly realistic
- Fleshlight Blog
- Fleshlight Coupon Codes
- Fleshlight 2.0
 Fleshlight is part of a series on Dying Alone | Those Who Have Died Alone
Anna Nicole Smith | Brandon Crisp | Charmaine Dragun | Codey Porter | George Sodini | Heath Ledger | Lilo | Megan Meier | Michael Jackson | Mitchell Henderson | Otoya Yamaguchi | Ricardo Lopez | Ripper | Rudolph Zurick | Shawn Woolley | Tyler Dumstorf Those Dying Alone Ahotwheelscar | Anonymous Borg | Argent009 | Bikerfox | Bob Rehahn | ByAppointmentTo | Chris-chan | Chuck M. | David Hockey | Epic fat guy | Fagolescents | GoddessMillenia | Kevin Havens | Lecarick | Nathan Gale | Nullcherri | Pit Viper | Ricki Raven | Rootbrian | Sceptre | Snapesnogger | TheSockDetective | Ulillillia Their Methods 4chan | AIDS | Anime | Booze | Bullying | Dead Friend | DeviantART | Drugs | Fleshlight | Self-seclusion | IRC | Jenkem | Lego | LiveJournal | Lonely | MMORPGs | MUDs | MySpace | Online dating | Online sex games | Plastic Crap | Plenty Of Fish | Vloggerheads | YouTube |
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