Failbook
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Failbook (alternatively known as Fakebook and fagbook) is a Web 2.0 site originally designed to link together school classmates and allow college graduates to find drug dealers. It, however, is now open to everyone, and Mark Zuckerberg wants 15 billion dollars for it. Facebook is most often used to stalk classmates.
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[edit] Bleeding edge stalking technology
On September 5, 2006, Facebook added an A+ feature called Feeds. Any time a user does anything that involves changing, adding or removing data on the site, the act is broadcast to a feed which any of that user's friends or classmates can read. The main feed is presented on the home page of the site as soon as users log in. For example, if you
- Post a comment on a picture in some drunk chick's album telling her she's hot
- Leave a drunken comment on your ex's wall
- While drunk, change your mind about coming out and remove "officer in Campus PRIDE" from your activities
- Change your Current Status to "OMG SOOOO DRUNK"
- Confirm that you'll be drunk at an event at a particular physical location and time
- Tag a picture of yourself and your friends drunk and in an awkward position
Then everyone at your school will instantly be notified as soon as they log into Facebook!
typical use of facebook
- Get into/onto (a)college
- Set up facebook
- Take 30+ pics drinking/date raping
- Upload pictures to facebook
- ?????
- Profit!!!!
This is A+. On this hallowed day, thousands of collar-popping date-raping fratclones were dumped by their orangeskin girlfriends for cruising skeeze snatch in photo comments, an activity now publicly viewable to all in the news feed! REMEMBER REMEMBER THE 5TH OF SEPTEMBER, IN OTHER WORDS NEVAR 4GET.
[edit] Applications
Facebook has recently enabled applications to be installed on profiles, making them almost as annoying and painful to load as Myspace pages. But only so much so. These applications range from the wonderfully intelligent ("Now I can show people on Facebook what I'm listening to with Last.fm") to the downright retarded ("Now I can make profiles for my cats! My life is complete!"). Certain programs allow anonymous posting to people's profiles and other pages. Trolling opportunities are rife. Especially human pets.
The cream on the cake however is the multitude of applications involving pirates, zombies, or a combination of the two. No-one is quite sure what the purpose of these applications are, however if your close friend / ex / local stalker "Bites" you then you must response, ASAP, Now, Quick, otherwise...nothing happens. However if you do response...well....nothing happens.
[edit] Stalkerbook
The most prominent use of Facebook is to allow people with no social skills to stalk people that go to the same school as they do. People will post just about anything about themselves on there, from the names of their cats to photos of themselves having fun. Of course, this can be used for good, too.
This also allows the US Government to stalk you as well, which makes sense, considering FACEBOOK IS FINANCED BY THE CIA. This makes sense, given the obvious connections between founder Mark Zuckerberg --> Jew --> CIA --> JEWS DID WTC.
[edit] Ugly Face?
Don't worry anymore, because you can take a picture of your ass and get your ass it's very own Facebook for asses, cleverly named Assbook.com!
coming soon, Ballsbook.com and Vagbook.com
[edit] Serious drama
By the evening of September 5, a number of groups opposed to the various changes had appeared on Facebook, including Students Against Facebook News Feed. At 7pm EST, the group had 11,000 members. By 9:30, it had over 30,000 members and was adding a staggering 20 members per second. By about 10:30, the clip had slowed to about 4 users per second which would be sustained overnight.
 10:26pm: 42,460 16 year old girls |
 10:27pm: 42,689 Internet Law majors |
 Statistics from this nerd |
The group hit 100,000 members at 2:15am Eastern, by which point all communication occurring was from basement dwellers saying shit like "oh man the last two hours of my life were spent watching this group to see when it rolled over 100,000....its like new years only better" and girllovers posting hundreds of pictures of Dakota Fanning over and over and OVER AND OVER. In a crude variant of the fifty Hitler post, a Texas user named Jonathan Cunningham or simply "The Rape Kid", continuously posted the word "RAPE" at least 100 times in every thread for over 2 hours.
By September 7th, there were over 700,000 members angsting over the use over the word "gay" in a 1,000+ discussion thread, because the internet is serious business.
If the group's growth continues merely at a linear rate, by midnight on 9/11 it will have 1,712,786 members, ranking in population ahead of Philadelphia as the 5th largest US city. If it were a real city, it would have at least one million additional pedos waiting for several hundred thousand clones of Dakota Fanning to make the first move.
[edit] Flamefest
Predictably, the group's "wall" dissolved into a flamefest on every imaginable unrelated topic, including Palestine, liberal pussies, Jews did WTC and teh homosexuals.
Omg gay:
People, please stop equating homosexuality with the news feed. One is awesome and enjoyable for those involved and the other has turned my obsessive use of this stupid site into public knowledge...
UConn Christ fanbois (and fangirls) preach the Word:
We're all in this to fight this facebook News Feed monster, and what Sean is saying about the Gospel is SO important--and as an allie with you all in this great cause of fighting facebook, I want to do the best I can for the interest of my fellow allies. And salvation is in EVERYBODY'S best interest, so I'm glad this dude brought it up. Don't hate, guys.
It's ironic that most of the people who enjoy the new changes, including the developers of them, are from more prominent universities, such as MIT, Stanford, Harvard, and Oxford, whilst most nay-sayers are from state colleges and other underdog universities.
Below, the sister-fucking Texan "Rape Kid" makes an argument on the Palestine thread. Shortly after stating his position, Rape Kid was hit with the banhammer in a clear assault against free speech.
RAPE
RAPE
RAPE
RAPE
RAPE
RAPE
RAPE
RAPE
RAPE
RAPE
RAPE
RAPE
RAPE
RAPE
CP
[edit] Idiotic Art Theft
Because copyright means nothing, and people think it's much more fun, and easier, to steal things from people who post things on devianTART and y!Gallery then doing the honorable thing, and stealing them from Viacom and Microsoft, large amounts of fantard clubs have been formed revolving around posting stolen fanart on the site, both in the fantard clubs, as well as all over their user pages. Mostly yaoi related, and the occasional furry, the art pours in by the hundreds, no sources, no credits, the posters too lazy and stupid to even bother taking the artist's watermark, which happens to have their contact information, off of the picture. The comments that go with the pictures, "OMG!!!1!1!!!!11 SO HAWT!!!11!!", referring of course to anything, a stick figure, or the best piece of art in two thousand years. Upon finding adequate "proof" of the art theft, showing that it is from a different person, because the watermark is not good enough, you can finally report it to the facebook staff. Now, after spending the last 30 minutes smashing your head against the desk for doing a favor for your friend who's art has been stolen, getting the adequate proof that they need, they inform you that you must cut through the 3 miles of red tape, and follow the simple 299 step copyright report process. Please note, the copyright report process must be done via e-mail, you must provide your Date of Birth, name, address, phone number, social security number, bank account number, PIN number, all credit and debit card information, and your soul. Upon completion of this, a friendly staff member will take a look at your case in approximately 8 years, when Facebook has already been closed down for copyright violations, not THOSE copyright violations, but the fact that the founder was a fucktard and stole the idea from someone, or whatever.
[edit] zOMG boycott
Predictably, a number of online petitions and calls for boycott sprang up. Though most of the boycott calls were amusingly posted on Facebook, one srsly TL;DR one was posted on Blogspot: http://daywithoutfacebook.blogspot.com/
Presented in anarchist red and white text on a black background, the authors urged readers to refuse to log into Facebook on 9/12, which is the day after 9/11.
Albeit ugly as hell, the author was at least wise enough to realize having the bajillionth "FUCK FACEBOOK Boycot Group" is redundant, as Facebook would then be required to boycott Facebook. Time paradox.
[edit] Media sharkfrenzy
At about 10:30 Eastern, the story hit Slashdot, driving tons of furry traffic to lame sites whining about Facebook which I left out of this article. Around the same time, TL;DR editorials started appearing in college papers picked up by Google News.
By morning, snarky posts comparing the "revolt" to 1960s anti-Vietnam demonstrations started appearing in blogs on prominent nerd sites like ZDNet and CNet.
By late afternoon, the story had been picked up by Time.com as a front page "what's hot" story. This was followed shortly by articles in the San Francisco Chronicle, Wired, and later in The Washington Post.
[edit] Response
Mark Zuckerberg posted an article to the Facebook blog at 1:45am. It wasn't too contrite, though:
- We're not oblivious of the Facebook groups popping up about this (by the way, Ruchi is not the devil). And we agree, stalking isn't cool; but being able to know what's going on in your friends' lives is. This is information people used to dig for on a daily basis, nicely reorganized and summarized so people can learn about the people they care about.
Of course, friendwhores make this all bullshit by friending everyone in sight. Because everyone is so used to adding friendwhores, it's easy to get yourself added by a victim. Problem solved!
[edit] Predictions
National news agencies, always eager for more online German teen drug sex stories, should shortly pick up the story leading to yet another round of hand-wringing over e-pedos and a statement from Joe Lieberman. This will quickly be followed by trite contrition from Mark Zuckerberg and a rollback of the new features to the disappointment of "ephebophiles" everywhere.
If the features aren't removed, a brisk market of Facebook account trading will spring up on eBay within days as capitalist Young Republican users sell their accounts to Catholic priests.
[edit] What really happened
Mark Zuckerberg set up an open letter of apology on 9/8 that allowed users to block the feed:
Experts do not forsee an end to the drama, however. REMEMBER REMEMBER THE 5TH OF SEPTEMBER
[edit] The corruption of Facebook: THE FAKEBOOK
A new use of Facebook is the creation of fake big celebrity Facebook accounts. This internet phenomena is popular on many community websites, and is know for the the name of Fakebook or Fakebooking. We hope the fucktarded managers of fakebook don't show more gay-ness and start deleting those accounts. General opinion is that Anonymous is to blame for the Fakebook accounts.
[edit] Fakebook Statistics
- 1 out of every 1 male Fakebook user above the age of 25 is a convicted child molester.
- 89% of all worldwide rape victims were raped because of information given out on their Fakebook news feed.
- By the year 2010, scientists believe that 2 out of every 2 Fakebook users will have either raped someone or will have been raped themselves.
- According to real statistics, Fakebook users have a serious mental inability to grasp and appreciate certain humorous concepts, such as CP.
[edit] Use of the Fakebook
Another use of the endless amounts of puppet accounts possible is for raids. Recently, a group has arisen with the dread name /i/. Notable members include Mitchell Henderson, Sandy W. Itchef, and Poonchief Mangina. The group has had great success in taking down a Megan Meier group and plans more assaults in the near future. The group kindly requests /b/lackup as soon as possible.
[edit] Scrabulous
Scrabble, but stolen - in violation of copyright - by some Mexicans and made very popular on Fecebook.
For some reason the company behind Scrabble, Hasbro, actually cared that their very old board game was being abused on Facebook, despite the fact that no-one makes money on Facebook, ever.
[edit] /fb/
Last Thursday, a group of 4chan namefags decided to form a group on Facebook. Composed of a small circlejerk of /b/ "veterans" and their sockpuppets, the 4chan Facebook group attempts to imitate /b/ by placing images on the photo album and commenting on them. The group's wall is comprised mainly of trolling, faggot bitching about Rules 1 and 2, rambling about what somebody had for dinner, or pretentious bragging about how awesome some obscure shitty band is.
Although the group creates a sense of standard by laying the banhammer on newfags who repost pictures, continuously leave idiotic commentary such as unfunny or popular memes, or generally fail at getting the point of the group in general, these standards are generally eased for people who have been in the group for a long time and who kiss moderator ass.
Other 4chan groups on Facebook
Typically comprised of butthurt failures who have been ejected from the main 4chan group and denied return due to the closed membership status there, other Facebook 4chan fanclubs are full of insurmountable fail, with lolcats constantly posted in the image section and memes repeated endlessly in the commentaries to an extent that makes a typical Monty Python and the Holy Grail conversation seem original. In other words, these groups are actually closer to the true, shitty nature of 4chan, except that most members are not anonymous.
[edit] Serious Photoshops
Facebook stalkees also made at least 100 ghey Photoshops. The best are presented here.
 Jakejekyll lives! |
 A+ Roman Shower. |
||
 now this is just in poor taste! |
 ObHitler |
 what (it's true tho) |
 HAL 9000 yo |
Brian Peppers cameo |
 and finally the lameass Chuck Norris one. |
 Typical Facebook user. |
|
 8/30 NEV4R 4GET |
 you've been farted on |
 OMG troll! |
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 A 14 year old and a 17 year old in a relationship that's "complicated". |
[edit] YTMND
- http://stalkernet.ytmnd.com/ -- predictable but warm and satisfying, sort of like Toad The Wet Sprocket.
[edit] See Also
- Camp rock
- OMG Illegal Facebook source code do not click!!!
- Fishlips
- Myspace
- MyYearBook
- Teenspot
- Friendster
- Yuppie
- Unrealistic expectations
- Squaddie bashers job
[edit] External Links
- [1] - Standard means of accessing Failbook.
- ED's Fæcesbook
- Rudy Guiliani's daughter, Caroline, was smart enough to put photos of her underage drinking on Facebook.
- lol facebook fight
- An open letter to Mark Zuckerberg
- Javascript bookmarklets to delete your info from feeds
- SF Chronicle article one week later.
- Facebook Trauma on Yahoo!Answers
 Failbook is part of a series on Web 2.0 | Web 2.0 • Social networking • Social networking sites • Blogging • Blogosphere • PHP • Podcasting • Wikiing • Ajax • Ruby on Rails • Internet Humanitarianism • X is not your personal army • User-generated content • ITunes Store
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Failbook is part of a series on Trolls. |
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