Elitist Musical Bastards
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Those who can play guitar, do. Those who can't, idolize. Elitist musical bastards tend to come in several varieties, but all of them have in common that they are devoted music listeners.
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The Guitar God
The guitar god can be found bragging about his conquests in chat rooms and message boards all across the internet. He knows what D#m7sus is, and he's not afraid to let you know that he knows it. He is A Guitar Hero.
You can insult God and country to the Guitar God, but any bad word about Satriani, Yngwie Malmsteen, Vai, or Petrucci will result in immediate drama and lulz.
When forced to present a recording of his accomplishments, most Guitar Gods will present you with a bland love ballad or a soulless classic rock song which is nearly about 30 years out of style. Telling him this is another excellent drama-generating technique.
The Cock-Sucking Theorist
The Cock-Sucking Theorist is possibly the hardest of Elitist Musical Bastards to find. He is usually in a band or orchestra class in highschool. They likely think they can read music at a basic level and have written some, but they won't shut the fuck up about how great they think they are. This includes playing very easy songs/pieces and bragging about it to everyone, saying it's very hard.
It's very easy to be a Cock-Sucking Theorist. Anyone who goes around saying they are really good at piano or guitar and explains how hard something is can be a CST. If you are a musician and don't want to be a piece of shit, just don't talk about the music you play or write. If you are with some friends, casually bring it up or play it. If they complement you, say thank you, and don't go into depth. You don't want to appear like a dildo who talks about more than they actually know.
The Thinker
If personal angst and agony are involved, the Thinker will defend this piece of music to the death. Hippies were the first of this ilk. To them, music was about The Man keeping you oppressed and raping the environment when he's not raping you and oppressing the environment.
Today, most goth and emo kids fall into this category. Unlike their hippie parents, they don't give a shit about world affairs and trees. The modern thinker is all about his own angst. He will even go as far as to tell you that he's being insightful and intelligent - not a crybaby.
Create lulz by telling the Thinker that their self-serving depression is the shallowest and/or funniest thing you've ever seen. A winner is you when your target responds with a pointless rant about those who are different.
The Encyclopedia
The Encyclopedia will consider you the worst pile of dog shit if you can't name what color shirt (insert classic rock band member here) was wearing in 1973. This type of person has no life or talent, so they instead learn all they can about rock bands in order to hold this petty and useless knowledge over others. If you can't name all the members of Pink Floyd off of the top of your head, the Encyclopedia will cream himself.
The Fanboy
Unlike the Thinker or Guitar God, the Fanboy is actually aware of the current state of popular music. Unlike the others, most fanboys can't even pretend to be discerning or intelligent. Korn, Linkin Park, and most other shitty bands have their share of rabid fanboys, but the most infamous of all are the Juggalos.
Easy Steps to Lulz:
- First, enter the following message
- That band sucks
- Do something productive in another window or IRL for any period of time.
- Save a log or screen grab of the ensuing drama.
- Upload to LiveJournal or Encyclopedia Dramatica.
- ????
- LULZ!
The Black Metal Elitist
Easily the most pretentious of the Musical Elitist Bastards. Known for pseudo-nihilist and misanthropic behavior, they judge their music by how "tr00" it is. If more than 5 people have heard of, or like the band, they will shoot it down as sold-out. Will constantly quote Varg Vikernes or Gaahl, and talk about how gr1m it was when the singer from Mayhem became an hero. Most Black Metal Elitists are in fact Scandinavians and therefore Socialists.
If you see someone in cargo pants, combat boots, and a Xasthur, Burzum or Darkthrone memorabilia, chances are you've got a black metal elitist.
The Obscure Music Listener
Lacking any ability to discern good music from bad music, the obscure music listener hides his weakness by searching out albums that approximately 5 other people in the world have heard and claiming that each album is THE BEST SHIT EVER. It doesn't matter if the album has any redeeming musical value; in fact, it could be nothing but recordings of people taking shits on their cats. The obscure music elitist will still claim it is the greatest album ever and destroys any album you listen to that sold more than 500 copies.
The obscure music listener's strength lies in his ability to confound his opponents by bringing up albums no one has ever heard, thus making it impossible to prove him wrong unless you actually go and listen to them. Of course, the albums are often so mind-numbingly dull that you will never actually make it through them, allowing him to claim that you didn't give it a chance.
If you are ever faced with an obscure music listener, simply ask him, "If it's so good, how come I've never heard of it?" This is guaranteed to troll every obscure music listener 100% of the time.
The E-Penis Stroker
The E-Penis Stroker has logged 5 million plays on Last.FM and wants to show the whole world. He considers anyone with a smaller e-penis than him to be musically inferior. They typically come in two varieties: RateYourMusic-fags and Last.FM-fags. The RateYourMusic fags don't realize some people have other things to do on the Internet besides give albums meaningless ratings on a 5-point scale. The Last.FM fags are just liars who leave music on their computer all day and all night, even while sleeping, in order to increase their playcount.
Due to the fact that their music listening is primarily centered on the Internets, E-Penis Strokers have seen many types of trolling before and are often immune to all but the most carefully-crafted trolls. A common noob mistake is to try to troll them by accusing them of being basement-dwelling faggots (which they probably are). A flame might go something like this:
- "In order to have that many plays on last.fm you must be sitting around listening to music 24/7. Go outside you fucking loser."
- "If I ever spent that much time cataloging, rating and reviewing the music in my collection I'd kill myself. Just listen to the music and enjoy it."
Occasionally this will work, and you might get a really trollable excuse like "I have Asperger's Syndrome so I can't just go out and have a life like you can." However, most basement-dwellers (including E-Penis Strokers) have long acknowledged the fact that they just fail at life and are not upset by having it pointed out.
The best way to turn an E-Penis Stroker into your personal lolcow is to accuse him of lying about how much music he actually listens to. Some good starting flames:
- "I bet you didn't even listen to all the albums you rated."
- "I bet you just listened to each of those albums 1 time and then rated it."
The E-Penis Stroker will immediately get defensive of the e-cock he's pumped so hard to enlarge. It is, after all, the only significant work he's ever accomplished. For maximum effectiveness, you can combine the two aforementioned trolls, like so:
- "I bet you leave your Last.FM on even when you're not there just to increase your e-penis size, you fucking loser."
The Classic Rock Faggot
Do you think modern music just doesn't have the same heart as classic rock did? Do you listen to nothing but classic rock radio? Do you get really angry when modern bands cover classic rock songs? Then you just might be a Classic Rock Faggot.
One of the worst types of music elitists, Classic Rock Faggots have only one criteria for determining whether or not something is good: it had to have been made at least 20 years ago.
Classic Rock Faggots, like all music elitists, have completely rationalized why they think the way they do. Classic rock, you see, didn't have these faggot singers who whine about how their daddy wasn't there for them, sing emotionless love songs or talk about banging bitches and shooting people. No, back in the classic rock days, it was all about the rock and they didn't rely on the studio to sound good. Today's music, on the other hand, is corporate-sponsored crap put together by marketing teams with songs that all sound the same.
The best way to deal with a Classic Rock Faggot is to walk away from the bike show or county fair you met him at. There is a rare occasion when they show up on the Internet, however, and great lulz can be had by telling them the Stones suck. You need not provide any explanation; just keep repeating that they suck in as many ways as you can think of and watch the pages scroll by.
See Also
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Elitist Musical Bastards is part of a series on Music |
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