Dungeons & Dragons
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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Dungeons & Dragons is a cover story used by nerds to explain why they gather in someone's finished basement on Saturday nights, rolling dice and masturbating to pictures of scantily-clad Valkyries.
Some also think it is a game, which, these same individuals claim, was created by a company that was bought out by another company that itself was bought out by Hasbro. As the story goes, the game was the brainchild of Gary Gygax, who, if he is still alive, is LOL DEAD was probably the world's biggest nerd. It is unknown what Gygax's motives for coming up with Dungeons & Dragons were, though many assume it was to create a means by which anthropophobic basement-dwellers could socialize while pretending to be brazen warriors, brilliant wizards and stupid pointy-eared elves (which geeks and nerds are most decidedly not IRL). Gygax himself was found dead in his basement on March fourth by Ed Greenwood & that fagot who came up with Warhammer: 40,000. He will be missed.
It is widely known that "D&D", what the geeks call it, is a thinly-disguised means of teaching racism to children and teenagers, since certain races are considered "evil" in D&D, whereas others are considered "good," for no real reason other than their appearance. Goblins, for example, are all ugly, untrustworthy, brutish and depraved, frequently ambushing innocent travelers and raiding outlying settlements, much like the French. Elves, on the other hand, all live at peace with nature, in and among the forests of the world; every elf that ever lived is noble, wise and decent, unlike those fucking goblins, who everyone hates. Black elves, unlike their Caucasian cousins, are naturally violent, evil and despicable as well. For more information on Dungeons & Dragons, please visit Dark Dungeons.
One of the reasons the game was able to spread so widely was it was another way for little kids to get their hands on books with line drawings of breasteses in them without their parents gaining a clue -- everyone already knew about National Geographic. This was, of course, in the sad old days before the 300-baud acoustically-coupled teletype was invented, much less Al Gore; and well before the first crudely-digitized alphabetic-pixel porn.
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[edit] D&D Characters
There are four main types of characters in the world of D&D.
- Fighter - played by Internet tough guys, this character was designed for pussies who get beaten up a lot IRL and want to pretend to be tough. Also good for people who are too stupid to understand magick. They do get bonus feats however, but they also get outshined by every other class EVAR.
- Wizard - this character can use magick and reading skills such as Telekinesis and PowerWord: IRL Name. Everyone plays a wizard because they kick ass.
- Cleric - see Fred Phelps. Played by those who like to be the heal-bitch for everyone else, especially fighters. They also use different magicks than sorcerers and wizards, although their kind involves calling on Jesus.
- Rogue - Thievish abilities. Leaves creepy phone messages to your older sister. Also responsible for killing the party several times on botched disarm trap rolls, or through being backstabbing SOBs. Usually played by weeaboos who want to be like Naruto but wind up sucking because they spend all of their skill points in shit that doesn't actually keep them or anyone else alive. Also played by Jews who align themselves as chaotic stupid and try to fucking steal everything.
In recent versions, other classes have been added.
- Monk - a kung-fu type warrior (for the wapanese). At higher levels become fucking invulnerable and kill people in one hit, but everyone's a dumbfuck and plays a fighter instead of these guys because monks havenopenis.
- Ranger - Rangers generally wander around in the woods and smoke a lot of weed which makes other players think they are stupid hippie-stoners, but they are not to be confused with druids. Rangers can only duel wield or use a bow (they don't know how to fight any other way). Don't fuck with rangers, unless you're a sorcerer or wizard (and even then, don't get too close).
- Paladin - Warriors so out of it that they believe the gods themselves command them to smite unholy ass. Not to be mistaken for the World of Warcraft paladin, who are heal bitch cheese factories. These paladins are much bettar, and can pwn.
- Bard - Uses instruments/songs to cast spells similar to those of wizards and sorcerers, however of a weaker and more supportive grade. Often times the smart people play as Bards because they do not fight and thus never have to worry about dying. Bards also suck cocks. Big huge nigra cocks.
- Druid - Is a pagan who pretends he can shapeshift but in actuality just puts on a fursuit and then loses all ability to talk or use weapons--can only skritch. Games like Baldur's Gate II had fursecution as a storyline where furries attacked the town of Trademeet.
- Barbarian - Like a fighter, only they're from the uncivilized lands and can declare jihad about three times per day so they can smack the shit out of everyone else. However, they're generally played by retards and basement dwellers because they have a huge axe to rape others with.
- Sorcerer - Wizards with less total spells known but the ability to cast more per day and cast off of their charisma instead of their faggotry. Apparently they're the spawn of humans and cats which makes them the most commonly played class by otherkin.
- Psion - Fucks with peoples' heads and sometimes his own body to do shit. Usually played by pseudo-intellectuals. Can pwn if used correctly.
- Divine Prostitute- The only class worth playing where you fuck other characters to heal them.
[edit] Noteworthy D&D Characters
Drizzt Do'Urden: Pronounced "Drizz-it Durdin". Drizzt is a Dark Elf who forsook the ways of his people because he cannot bring himself to kill children. Instead of being your average, ass-kicking, merciless drow warrior, he escaped to the "surface world", where everyone thinks that he is special because he fights with two scimitars. Drizzt insists on writing dissertations about his emotions because he is supposed to be a "deep character".
Artemis Entreri: Artemis Entreri is a merciless, ass-kicking machine who will FUCKING RUIN YOUR SHIT if you touch him. He is Drizzt's antithesis; a cold, uncaring assassin who will murder you just because he really fucking wants to. He enjoys cutting throats, giving surprise abortions, and buttsecks. He has a sword that will FUCKING MELT YOUR FACE if you touch it without wearing a special glove, and a dagger that drains your life if it touches you. He's so fucking awesome I pooped.
[edit] Dungeons & Dragons: The Movie
In 2000, a movie version of the Dungeons & Dragons game was released. It was an abortion of a film, and was widely ridiculed even by nerds and other assorted basement-dwellers. It "starred" a bunch of no-talent hacks, included among which was Marlon Wayans (who was undoubtedly ostracized by his family afterwords). The Sci-fi channel aired a second one that was slightly better but noone gives a shit about it.
[edit] AD&D
A fake disease, which many attention whores claim to be affected by. Doesn't really exist. Probably comes about as a result of too much TV.
[edit] 4th Edition Dungeons & Dragons
A ham-fisted money-grab maneuver concocted by the geniuses at Wizards of the Coast, who are keenly aware that retarded neckbeards will spend enormous quantities of cash to make sure they aren't pretending to be an awakened cat with an outdated set of rules.
4th Edition promises many improvements over previous editions, including:
- Swordman: A character type which emulates the combat-oriented character classes from World of Warcraft.
- Spellman: A character type which emulates the offensive-spellcasting character classes from World of Warcraft.
- Healman: A character type which emulates the defensive-spellcasting character classes from World of Warcraft.
- Stealman: A character type which emulates Jews from anywhere.
- Dragonman: AKA Trogdor, a race designed for 13-year-old-boys who wish they were dragons. Also a power gamer race; I'm banning it in my campaign.
- Furfag: A template which may be added to any core character type and grants the character access to a DeviantART account.
- Improved Protection from Poontang: An effect granted by ownership of any Dungeons & Dragons materials, this has been enhanced for 4th Edition. Clinically proven to preserve virginity.
- Free can of Neckbeard Growth Ointment with purchase of boxed set: Presumably, this is included to help turn non-players onto the hobby, since everyone knows the set of neckbeards is coextensive with the set of Dungeons & Dragons players.
[edit] See also
- 1d20
- basement dweller
- BDSM
- Dragon
- faggotry
- Furcadia
- GURPS
- Kraken's ghost
- LARP
- LORD
- Lord of the Rings
- NPC
- Ragnarok
- Role-playing
- Warhammer
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