Dead Space
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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Dead Space is a game that requires the player to not only kill the enemies, but literally rip the enemies to pieces creating beautiful bloodbaths. This game was a surprise to everyone since the game's developer, EA, makes all of their games with no gore in them. EA was clever enough to put some dark humor into the game, but most of the people that bought the game did not understand this type of humor. Therefore, the dark humor was somewhat of a failure in the game. Some gamers were irritated at the fact that that the game was either too short, the puzzles were too hard, the gore was repetitive,or too scary (even though it wasn't at all). Fortunately, there was always a troll on any review website that put them in their place.
Contents |
Storyline
The story starts off as the player being in the position of Isaac, an engineer sent to investigate and repair the Ishimura, the ship that the player will be running frantically through throughout the whole game. Isaac and his crew, Zach Hammond (who DIES) and Kendra Daniels (who ALSO DIES), stop going through the wormhole and see the how badly the ship was raped. The rape meter was detecting high levels of rape on the Ishimura and, like fucktards, decided to board the ship. While traveling into the butthole of the ship, the ship goes out of control and crashes into the docking bay. Of course this would not have happened if Zach was driving since we all know that women cannot drive.
After this event happens, Isaac, Zach, and Kendra miraculously get out of the ship without any wounds. Running into the lounge of the ship, the whole place turns into a shithole (as if it wasn't already) and all hell breaks loose. Unarmed the player, Isaac, has to run his ass out of there and go into an unstable elevator. After this, Isaac acquires shitty tools that are horrible at killing enemies. Further into the game, the player is constantly annoyed by Kendra, Zach, and his girlfriend, Nicole. Later on, the player, Isaac, will meet up with Unitologists who are batshit insane over the marker which caused all of the shit on the ship to happen in the first place. One of the Unitologists, Dr. Challus Mercer (FUCKING DIES), that the player will meet up with will release his "prototype/hunter" out to get Isaac. This creature is a pain in the ass due to the fact that IT CANNOT DIE unless you KILL IT WITH FIRE. This piece of shit follows the player around throughout the rest of the game until he or she finally arrives at the shuttle where it can be burned.
Eventually, Kendra becomes a backstabbing bitch and runs off with the marker where she can sell it to some other colony. Fortunately, you pull that slut back into the ship and fly down to the planet that the ship is orbiting around. The player, Isaac, then plants the marker on the planet making a giant vagina monster wake up. Kendra get eaten by it, the player escapes from the planet, the planet explodes, and Isaac dies from his zombie girlfriend.
All in all, the entire fucking thing is pointless. It is like wiping your ass before shitting. You did not save a single soul, the monsters would have died of AIDS eventually, no one will know anything of what happened on that damned ship, and Isaac is still a tool who does whatever the shit people tell him to do DEAD.
Unitology
Unitology is a religion in the game that revolves around the marker (a big red dick with writing on it). The followers in this religion believed that the marker bring eternal life and that human life started somewhere else other than Earth. The Church of Unitology has high political and economic power therefore allowing the religion to buy ships, weapons, and colonies. Later on in the game, Isaac realizes that the ship is not a mining vessel, but a combat ship designed to kill stuff and things. After Isaac finds this out, they will stumble upon more audio logs of people bitching and moaning about how there are illegal activities going on, or the occasional psychopathic follower whispering into the mic.
Soon after the Isaac finds a bunch of shitty audio logs, Challus Mercer appears. He tells Isaac that his creation, the hunter, is complete. The hunter is invincible and follows Isaac around. This piece of shit is a real annoyance since Isaac already has a enough shit to do. Near the end of the game, the hunter is burned to death. Yum.
Some people think that EA put Unitology in the game in order to stick it to Scientology for the lulz, but that is a mystery.
Dark Humor
Most of the humor in this game was "dark humor". In other words, the humor is lulzy. This humor is shown in various ways throughout the whole game.
Examples of dark humor shown in the game:
- When entering one of the rooms in the beginning of the game, a man will be bashing his head into a wall repeatedly like a retarded person.
- A blind woman will be hugging and talking to a corpse with no limbs. The dumbass will somehow magically die a few seconds afterwords even though she has no wounds. This is when the player gets the power of kinesis and be able to pick up her dead body and do things with it.
- As the player enters the child care center, they will meet up with monsters that resemble mutated babies. In this situation, the player will be able to stomp on these baby monsters. This makes Dead Space unique in the fact that it is one of few games where you are actually allowed to kick and curbstomp babies for the lulz.
- In the medical ward of the ship, a man is lying down on a table while the doctor is chopping him up with a saw. For sick fucks, this is probably the hottest thing going on in the game. The doctor will then look at you and smile. Shortly afterward, she will become an hero and slice her throat with the saw instead of going to you for help.
- Isaac's psychopathic imagination of other crew members saying, "MAKE US WHOLE AGAIN".
- Near the end of the game, Kendra, the backstabbing bitch in the game, tries to get off of the planet. Instead she literally becomes a guro rape toy for a tentacle monster.
The Ishimura
The S.S. Ishimura is the piece of shit ship where this piece of shit game takes place. It is re-enforced by more ribs then a mutated cow and the size of this mother fucker probably took the 3D designers over 9,000 years to create. Despite all this designing and making everything look "pretty", it was completely useless due to the fact that it is so fucking dark and every other room is littered with blood and dead bodies.
Taking advantage of our nice things, the designers ripped of the Alien films and made the ship a haven for vents and other places for freaks to crawl through. The player never really gets to look in these vents, even though it would be seriously scary if the player was forced to navigate the cluster fucking of being jumped on by multiple necromorphs. It can be assumed that the vents are the equivalent of your college dorm room. Full of dead bodies, bongs, piss stains on the rug, a large turd in the bathtub, and over all good times that you will later regret on your 40th birthday.
Dead Space: Downfall
Dead Space: Downfall is a failure of an anime American-animated movie showing how the necromorphs came to be and how they fucked everything up. The people at EA thought it would be cool to allow the player to see what happened before the main character, Isaac, boards the ship. This ruins the fun of the player be able to wonder how and why everything is messed up in the beginning of the game. The idea of buying this movie is retarded by itself. For every win, there is always a fail...
On a side note, this is every guro-lovers wet dream. There's more gore in this movie than there is violence in all Gears of War games combined.
Bring spare underwear, since you're watching it.
SPOILERS: Everyone DIES.
Dead Space: Extraction
Another fucking prequel coming out for the Wii. It's going to be a first-person shooter without free movement. This is also a common tactic abused by publishers to milk some bargain bin bux until the true successor gets released. Guaranteed to be a piece of nigger shit.
Necromorphs
Necromorphs are the living dead pieces of shit that Isaac fights off throughout the whole game. Most of the necromorphs originate from humans infected with space AIDS. In order for a person to turn into a necromorph, the person has to be dead gay. Then, a piece of flesh fucks the dead body of the person making all of his or her limbs blades and the person's flesh is stretched. Basically, the corpse turns into a walking shit cake. There are multiple types of necromorphs in the game and are extremely annoying.
Types of Necromorphs
- Slashers - Slashers are the most common necromorph class found in the game. Being weak, these enemies are cannon fodder and a waste of time. These enemies are amusing though because of the fact that they run into malfunctioning doors and get chopped up to bits. Yum.
- Leapers - These fuckers jump all over the place like a kid who has ADD. Complete with blades for arms and a tail that is used for whipping attacks, it can do massive damage to Isaac. Fortunately, This type of necromorph can be easily raped with a cutter or sawblade. Turn that muscle into mush.
- Lurkers - These are simply babies. All they want is for Isaac to hug them but instead he shoots them with his space hammer, so three massive cocks pop out of there backs and fling razor sperm at him. The only satisfaction that the player will have from these monsters is the curbstomping and kicking of babies.
- Guardians - Guardians are mutations of fat Russian women that are preggorz. They cling to the walls and cannot move. It shits out baby necromorphs every few seconds, and will rape your head off with their tentacles if Isaac gets too close, making the difference between them and normal Russian pregnant women impossible to notice, this enemy is a pain in the ass to kill. Once the player kills it though, it lets out a climatic cry and dies.
- Pregnants (aka Preggorz) - Pregnant are not actually necromorphs but fat pregnant mothers. Once they come next to the player, they will shit out small, octopus looking creatures called "Swarms" to come out. The problem is that the Swarms latch on to Isaac and will not let go. In order to get them off, Isaac must have a self-induced seizure to shake them off.
- Swarms - aids infected feces that move around and latch on to Isaac. As described, Isaac must have a seizure in order to shake them of of him.
- Divider - Dividers are a pain in the ass to kill. The player will start shooting at it just like any other enemy thinking that it will die. Instead, the thing breaks up into multiple pieces which whip the shit out of Isaac.
- Brutes - Plows through everything like the killdozer. Raping the hell out of everything, this necromorph does tons of damage and will fuck you up.
- Infector - A piece of flesh that flies over to dead corpses and brutally skull-fucks them until they turn into a slasher. These slashers are normally the color of crap (nugget brown, not baby green) and are hard to kill.
- Twitchers - Extremely fast slashers. They shake their head all over the place and attack in packs. Battles with this enemy will make the player frustrated.
- Thrashers - Spider-like necromorphs which are a pain in the ass to kill. The player will waste a lot of ammo on this enemy.
- Boomers - Mutated humans with a giant explosive tumor for an arm. Shoot the arm and enjoy the fireworks.
- Wheezers - A collection of eight huge-lunged almost-an-heroes blowing bongsmoke all over the place. Largely considered to be the easiest monsters in the game, due to their status of being weak and rooted into the ground. You have to kill all of these as part of a mission in order to prevent the utter rapage of the ship's oxygen.
Characters
just in case you missed it THEY ALL FUCKING DIE
- Isaac Clarke - The character that the player plays as. Isaac will be all of the other character's slave doing stupid tasks that they can do themselves such as turning off the reactor even though they are right near it. Isaac is a lame jewish name for a character though and the player finds out that he is psycho because, even though his girlfriend is dead, he keeps seeing her.
- Kendra Daniels - The stupid whore who is really nice in the beginning of the game and then tries to backstab Isaac in the end. She fails it though and get eaten.
- Zach Hammond - The man who tells Isaac to do tasks so that the crew can get off the ship. He tries to meet you every chance he can but is always interrupted. When ever Isaac does meet him in the game and not over the radio though, Zach is always hurt. The useless piece of shit does not even know how to use his weapon. Finally he is ripped apart into tiny little pieces by a brute. Everyone saw it coming though because black people are always the first to die in movies and video games.
- Dr. Challus Mercer - A fucking idiot who thinks that the necromorphs give everlasting life. He is so fucked up that he creates a "prototype/hunter" to kill Isaac. Of course Isaac pwns the monster two times and Charles goes an hero via letting himself be skull-fucked brutally by an Infector.
- Doctor Terrence Kyne - A Unitologist who tries to help Isaac, but the dumb fuck gets shot by Kendra.
- Nicole Brennan - Isaac's dead girlfriend. Isaac sees her throughout the whole game and at the end of the game has zombie sex with her.
Bosses
What would be a video game if it didn't have bosses? The bosses in Dead Space are a)kind of lulzy based on there designs and b)are all bark and no bite. They can kill you but its so easy to dodge there attacks (even on HARD) that its like dodging bricks being thrown by a weak seven year old in bullet time.
- The Leviathan - A giant goatse shaped monster that when fighting feels like your in a giant tumble dryer. When weakened, it shoots exploding loogies at you.
- The Big Thing That Throws Shit At You - Your probably wondering "Why dosent this monster have a name?". i dont know the writers probably got lazy. Basically all you have to do is shoot the fuck out of it with a lazer turret gun. You have to do this because its blocking the signal to some other ship that crashes into you because it picked up an escape pod that had just ONE of the EASY necromorphs in it.
- The Hivemind - The final boss of the game. the Hivemind is a really, really, really, REALLY big penis shaped tentacle monster that will fuck you up if you dont kill it fast. But like i said all bark no bite. all it really does is smash its tentacles at you and screams in your face. Some of the scientoI MEAN unitologists say that it controls every single necromorph. then when you kill it how come your girlfriend is still alive.
To make things simple here is walkthrough on how to kill these things.
- The Laviathin - First shoot the glowing things on its tentacles then shoot into its throat.
- The Big Thing - Like i said shoot the fuck out of it.
- The Hivemind - Okay now this one is really complicated pay real close attention. First you have to HNNNNNNGGGGG
Weapons, Upgrades, Gadgets, and Utilities
Weapons
- 211-V Plasma Cutter - A Future Fucking Staple Gun. Isaac finds it in the ships Home Depo. This is the first weapon that the player will pick up in the game.
- SWS Motorized Pulse Rifle - This gun does
hardly anyMAXIMUM damage and runs out of ammo extremely quickly. Most people beg to differ by saying that it's great for small enemies, but those people are retarded.
- PFM-100 Hydrogen Torch Flamethrower - KILL IT WITH FIRE.
- IM-822 Handheld Ore Cutter Line Gun - This gun is meant to cut things in half. Guts will go all over the place when this thing shoots.
- C99 Supercollider Contact Beam - IMMA CHARGIN' MAI LAZOR!1!11
- Force Gun - A space age leafblower, used like a shotgun.
- Handheld Sawblade Gun -This mother fuckin' weapon will rape the shit out of your enemy, but also SLICE AND DICE that mother fucker. You see that faggot right there and SHING, done.
Gadgets
- Stasis Module - A device that allows you to slow stuff down a little, so you can either run away like an overcharged speed-freak or get a better shot at the more vulnerable parts of an enemy.
- Kinesis Module - Another doohickey that enables the ability to move stuff around with your mind. Used to move the corpses of female crewmembers into erotic positions by freaks who get off to dead chicks.
Upgrades
- Weapon Upgrades - Not even worth the trouble of trying to find power nodes to upgrade the shitty weapons that the player will find.
- Suit Upgrades - The suit can upgraded in two ways: the level (one to five) or power nodes. Upgrading the level of the suit makes the suit look awesome while the power nodes upgrade armor and damage. This is ridiculous though because of the fact that the upgrades do nothing.
Utilities
- Shop - The player buys stuff here (you should know that by the name of "shop" fucktards). The player has to spend money that is virtually useless on guns that suck ass. If the player does not spend the Jew Gold, the player eventually turn into a greedy Jew.
- Bench - No, you do not sit on the bench (unless you want your ass ripped open). The bench is an upgrade station to make your equipment from bad to worse.
Quotes and Bitching
| —Obviously someone who's a spaz. |
| —A failure calling a game a failure. |
| —Pussy that is afraid of monsters in a video game. |
Videos
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Related Links
- Guro
- Metroid
- EA
- EADM
- Gamer
- Death
- Scientology
- Extreme Advertising
- Killdozer
- Rape
- OM NOM NOM
- Resident Evil 4
- Resident Evil 5
External Links
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