Darth Cheney
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Dick Cheney (moar liek Emporer Cheney amirite?) is the bastard child of Darth Vader, Richard Nixon and Captain America, who mixed their seed with his mother. During this anal-fuck fest, some of the fluids leaked into the vagina of his mother, and 6 months, 6 days and 6 hours later, Dick was birthed unto this world. An original founding member of the WNBA as well as (and not coincidentally) NAMBLA, he is currently the only person less qualified as a potential presidential candidate than George W. Bush, being evil incarnate. This is unfortunate, as he stands to inherit the position in the event of the impeachment or untimely demise of that awful jackass, which would otherwise signal the beginning of a thousand year utopia. He is the fucktard that Bush leans on, and claims to neither be in the Executive Branch nor the Legislative Branch, only because he's Darth Cheney.
It is also believed he is Lord Xenu, God to many gays like Tom Cruise. He grew up in a Hick-ass town in Wyoming by the name of Casper, which explains his piteously warped mind. Currently he is occupied with his duties as an admin at BeastForum, while still trying to keep an ear open for every sad failure originating in that same filthy asshole of the universe, whose layers of puss and dried Michael Jackson cum will always hold a special place in his heart. As of late, he is the only thing the poor ass whore town of Wyoming has going for it, even though he is responsible for the severe shortage of squirrels in said town.
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Heroic Achievements
Although Cheney is rude, ugly, and enjoys biting the heads off of small animals in front of children, he acts as the primary comedic spokesman for several worthy causes, including gay rights, alternative energy, liberalism, and, most recently, gun control. Among his major accomplishments:
- Setting the stage for the annexation of Canada by the U.S.;
- Causing Michael Moore to appear subtle and considerate;
- Failing to destroy the world completely;
- Shooting a lawyer from Texas in the face (widely regarded as the only truly hilarious act of gun violence ever);
- Getting his victims to apologize for being shot, raped, beaten, etc. repeatedly, ask for another and be praised for it.
- Holds the record for the most time playing Duck Hunt. This may have led to number 4.
- Reigning Firearm trick shot champion of North America. Won the contest in December of 2005 with the now infamous "Blind Willie" shot in which he hit his target with his eyes closed. "I didn't see him there" was Cheney's claim the day after hitting this miraculous shot.
- Two weeks later he was elected president of the NRA, and was inducted into a group known as "the White Elephant" in which immunity from all crimes against people and the state are granted. Other current members of this group include Ted Kennedy and George W. Bush and famous alumni include Ronald Reagan.
Criticism
Cheney has often been criticized for his inability to feel or even fake human emotions. This is likely due to to a childhood bicycle accident, which caused his soul to cave in on itself, rendering him the essence of all that is foul and unholy. He also has distracting mannerisms and a tendency to repeat himself. Whenever he smiles, only half of his mouth is raised. This is because he masturbated into his mouth one day and his cum paralyzed his mouth muscles.
It is well known that Cheney feels that all non-Christians should be sent to special death happy camps where they will be put to work making Plastic Jesus H. Christ dolls, and then subjected to a final solution or two.
Hobbies
Like every other politician created in the rat laboratory inside McDonald's HQ. Dickey enjoys plenty of pastimes. Among these are:
- Drinking chicken blood and cum. He usually likes to mix them.
- Throwing ghetto babies like darts into a spiked wall in his home, usually not caring if he gets a "bulls-eye" because he knows that he wins either way.
- Starting wars with poor countries and blowing up their asses, usually resulting in massive pwnage.
- Continuing the wars to cover up the truth.
- Hiding all the time, so he can have more butt secks with his boyfriends.
- Watching Star Wars for tips. He especially watches his heroes Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine.
- Fapping to pictures of Ronald Reagan.
- Lobbying to raise oil prices
- Writing in his LiveJournal (link below)
- Shooting people and making them suck his dick later
- Getting at least 9000 tips from his childhood pal Satan.
- Playing Croquet
- Getting off every time he sees the clip of the atomic bomb exploding in Hiroshima, Japan.
- Drawing in his DeviantART of his pony furries and the Grim Reaper
- Donating to NAMBLA
- Reading Communist literature
- Being a gay necrophiliac
- Anything else that involves fags, murder, and domination is fine with him
- Showing off his massive penis to jealous liberals. (see picture below)
- Calling things quagmires in '94 and then proceeding to assrape it in '03 (to give Halliburton epic lulz, apparently)
- Playing naked twister with Osama and Saddam
- Forcing other people to become An Hero.
- Heart attacks
Secret life
Dick, along with his boss underling "sponsor" George W Bush, is known for being extremely secretive about, well, pretty much everything including his black past with relatives. Little does he know we found his LiveJournal!
 Cheney has struggled to maintain a positive public image. |
 He's such a Dick! |
 Something to do. |
 Post this everywhere for fast luck. |
 "Dick" shows off his "weapon of mass destruction". |
 Many people in New York have already had their lobotomies |
 Four percent of Americans have no sense of humor |
 Ho-hum. |
 Turns out lots of things are for jerks... |
 Why Cheney doesn't go to McDonalds anymore. |
 I Came. |
 Dick Cheney at home. |
External Links
