Nintendo DS
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
The Nintendo DS (or Nintendo Dick Sucker) is a portable game device that was dumped all over the market in fall 2004. Despite Nintendo having passed up the chance to have given it a better name, such as PNES (Portable Nintendo Entertainment System), it has totally sucked ass compared to Sony's PSP, becoming a flaw point for Nintendo fanboys in basements around the world.
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[edit] Multiple ways to play
The standard Nintendo DS comes with two screens, a touch screen, a microphone, a rechargeable battery, and a pruning attachment. These components are used to deflect the player's attention from the horrible graphics.
[edit] Dual screens
Programmers have long impoverished gamers with their devil-may-care imposition of maps and status bars directly upon the player's field of vision. With an unheard-of "doubling" of available play space, DS provides ample room for the display of both in-game action as well as vital information such as "Hi-Score" and "Number of keys left".
[edit] Touch screen
Who doesn't like to touch things? Any number of physical objects can be stimulated simulated upon this versatile liquid crystal display. Use either your stylus or your oily fingertips to rub, massage, cajole, jiggle, titillate, bobble, or insert. The game is truly in your hands. Sadly, most games force the touch screen feature to be used in pointless, pointless ways to justify installing it.
[edit] Classic controls
Nintendo DS also features a "classic," Super Nintendo-style control layout, though none of the buttons are actually connected to anything. This hasn't stopped game designers from using the buttons, however, making half the DS library completely unplayable.
[edit] Pictochat
Pedophiliacs can now get in on the game with DS's built-in chat feature Pictochat. By moving within a 65 90 120 200 250 300over 10,000-foot radius of any schoolyard, municipal park, or playground, strangers can use their DS to lure unsuspecting children to dangerous and uncompromised locations.
Not content to rest on its laurels, Nintendo has also signed an agreement with Wayport, Inc., establishing wireless DS access points in McDonald's restaurants across the United States. This streamlines the process by allowing pedophiles to simply take their DS to the parking lot of any McDonald's with a PlayPlace.
In other news, third parties are also working on a police scanner peripheral to be placed in the GBA slot. It will help protect the constitutional rights of gamers who make use of the Pictochat software.
Those facts, of course, have promptly attained Fox News' attention, who proceeded to create their usual lollercaust out of it. Here is the whole investigative report:
According to sources, the new Pantu game, as forewarned on Brass Eye, will let PEDOPHILES WATCH YOUR CHILDREN through the screen, the pedophiles will also be able to release pheromones through your child's DS to make them moar susceptible to being molested. The parents can test this, by sniffing the screens, and if they are DS molested by a drooling, fishy smelling, 56 year old man, through the screen, then the parents know not to let their children near it.....unless they've broken a vase, in which case, parents may use DS rape as form of punishment
[edit] Graphics
DS graphics technology is completely teh suck. The best looking game, Super Mario, was released at launch, and the graphics actually seem to be getting worse with time. It is estimated that by the end of the system's life, the average DS game will look worse than Pac-Man.
[edit] 3D Graphics
Combining the woefully underpowered processing of Game Boy Advance with the decade-old technology found in the GamePark 32, Nintendo DS consistently challenges our conception of how awful three-dimensional graphics can be. According to first-hand accounts, its futile cobbling of bland polygonal forms into some approximation of visual coherency is an experience best characterized as disturbing.
[edit] 2D Graphics
Because of its limited 3D capabilities, DS has actually prompted what is considered to be a "renaissance" in 2D gaming. Be wary of this. If 2D gaming does not interest you, always study the back of a game's box closely and confirm that you are only buying games with good 3D graphics.
[edit] Design
[edit] Clamshell
The DS sports a patented clamshell design, along with native IEEE 802.11 wireless support and multiple rows of spring-loaded, interlocking teeth.
Players can invite friends and family to join in on the fun by handing them their DS and then "activating" it from a variety of wirelessly-enabled devices.
[edit] Stylus
The standard Nintendo DS stylus is specially designed to dig into the side of your finger and cause infection. And though critics have described it as too tiny and uncomfortable for practical use, it should be said that the stylus is also easily lost, and will inevitably require the player to purchase another, better stylus.
In the interests of dimwitted consumerism, various "special-edition" styli have also been released, introducing several other annoyances, such as a douche on a go kart and somebody's disembodied hand.
[edit] World of Styluses
 Standard, callus-inducing stylus |
 DS Lite's thicker stylus with 40% fewer calluses |
 Use this in public to get your ass kicked |
 omgwtfbbq |
 Pokemon-themed stylus |
 no ur r00ts |
 Resident Evil "chainsaw" stylus |
 The Gom Jabbar |
 This can be a handful! |
 This is also generally acknowledged by Nintendo DS players as a quality, high-performance stylus. |
[edit] Innovative Software
[edit] In stores now!
 Madden Colonoscopy 2007 |
 Stephon Marbury Plays! BLING Training DS |
 True Swing MILFs |
 Mike Tyson's BitchOut!! |
 The Painting of the Dead |
 Metroid: Deer Hunters |
 Sewer Shark Revolution |
 Geisha Training |
[edit] Coming soon
- Kirby Suck 'N Blow
- FurFag Command
- Untitled Team Ninja Project
- Super Monkey Balls: Touch & Roll
- Sex Training
- Jump Ultimate Pornstars
- The Devdan Chronicles
[edit] DS Meme
The meme, fgsfds matches perfectly to the Nintendo DS.
[edit] Fanboyism
Before the release of the DS, Nintendo fanboyism had been a lost cause. With PSP poised to end Nintendo's dominance of the portable market, Sony and Microsoft fanboys were drooling in anticipation of Nintendo's impending demise.
But despite its terrible graphics, bulky design, and peculiar, garlicky odor, the DS has prevailed, becoming the world's most popular video game system among females age 50-79. This course of events has effected a basic shift in the power structure of fanboyism worldwide.
Nintendo fanboys, once minimalized and ridiculed by dueling Sony and Microsoft fanboys, have subsequently experienced an unprecedented resurgence in credibility and influence. Going further, the success of DS has redefined the very notion of intermingling fanaticisms, laying the groundwork for proposed fanboy alliances such as "PSWii" and "Wii60".
[edit] NeoGAF Forums
The most important hub of gaming fanboyism on the internets, the NeoGAF Forums are a nauseating potpourri of hype, unsubstantiated claims, and pathetic dick-measuring. Recognized and frequented by a host of gaming "professionals" and "media," it is the foremost authority as to which silly game-related memes will be parceled out for acceptance amidst the mainstream internet community.
Though formerly an endangered species on these forums, the Nintendo fanboy has parlayed the DS phenomenon into an inalienable siege upon the limited mindshare of both NeoGAF posters and moderators. At the center of their cachet is the weekly thread of Japanese hardware and software statistics, which starkly enumerates the DS's unprecedented domination of the Japanese gaming market. An empirically-supported circle jerk of all things Nintendo, these threads are a weekly platform upon which fanboys claim personal achievement and credibility through giddy admiration of their favorite video game company.
Furthermore, these threads are an absolute minefield for anyone not hopelessly enamored with Nintendo, as the mere suggestion that DS isn't the best invention since movable type will get you an instant permaban. Such practices have since infected the remainder of the forums, making NeoGAF the place to be for gamers who want to have their thoughts moderated by an autocratic dumbfuck.
[edit] Other Fanboy Hotspots
[edit] Links
- This is how you use your computer speakers for your DS.
- Female Undressing/Touching on DS!
- The Hunter Becomes the Hunted
- My Nintendo DS is on Crack?
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Nintendo DS is part of a series on Gaming. |
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