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Cult

From Encyclopedia Dramatica

Cults are tiny religions which may or may not believe in Jesus; what they have in common is that their members are always brainwashed morons.

1 Starting a cult
2 Maintaining a healthy cult
3 Ending your cult
4 Some Popular Cults
5 See Also
6 Gallery

[edit] Starting a cult

A good cult leader needs charisma

If you would like to start a cult, you will need:

Charisma
Some "original" dogma
An obsession with controlling other people, and
Copious funds.

L. Ron Hubbard started one of the largest cults (Scientology) in history with only 2 and 3 (later acquiring 4), but he had an advantage because he was on drugs, which as everyone knows give you voodoo powers. Although most cult members are of course white, some Christian cults go out of their way to attract ethnic minorities. Why they do this is unknown as black people have no money, and all they get is bragging rights over being superficially different than the cults Purelily associates with.

Your cult will need some type of symbol. This is important as it will help to attract those so dumb that they cannot read, your prime demographic. But don't come to us for help if you're stupid enough to use someone else's symbol. The Scientologist symbol in particular will get you in deep shit. They're litigious motherfuckers.

[edit] Maintaining a healthy cult

Your average cult member

It is very important that your cult members be isolated from reality as well as profoundly retarded, otherwise they will just leave, and you will have failed it. Punish disobedience with crowd favorites such as the Iron Maiden and castration, and reward good behavior with pie.

It is also important to have your "holy books" be as long and incomprehensible as possible so that you can claim an exclusive understanding, and, in the case of Scientology, charge thousands and thousands of dollars for them. It's also a plus if you write it in another language, or some language you just made up. Defunct cults such as Taoism and Quakerism left out this important element and thus have completely failed to cause any major atrocities or mass suicides. Don't make the same mistake!

A good tip for your cult: always have a scapegoat; nothing keeps people together like focused hatred, and it works wonders when trying to justify things which might otherwise seem batshit insane. You can try to create a totally new focus of blame (e.g. thetans), or simply choose from the following guaranteed-effective bogeymen:

Jews
Men (see feminism)
Emos
Nigras
Fags (very popular)
Psychiatry (well suited for cults that involve pedophilia)

You will also need some mindless rituals to give your drones a greater sense of meaning in their lives, but these can really be absolutely anything, even simulated cannibalism. Get creative. Chickens are pretty cheap and make for a great sacrifice to convert non-believers. Fire is also pretty impressive.

[edit] Ending your cult

If you are bored with your cult, we recommend initiating a mass suicide. This is really the only safe way to move on with your life, and tends to eliminate the possibility of greedy ex-members getting liberal ideas in their heads about how they should have had food every single day and complaining to the media. Be sure to leave behind a note to let everyone know your true spiritual intentions.

If all fails, then provoke the Internet Hate Machine.