Cops
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
This article is about IRL police, not to be confused with the internet police.
This article also discusses IRL police officers, which are easily and (acceptably) confused with pigs.
Cops (also known as Rozzers, The 5-0, The Feds and The Filth) are dirty piggies whose only job is to make sure niggers get into a cell. For the illiterate ED users:
The majority of the police force of any given locality is made up of tiny-dicked, insecure rednecks suffering from some of the most severe and visible IRL cases of unwarranted self importance. Some argue that the government created police departments to protect the public by enforcing the governments laws. Police are in fact gangs that the government cannot ring in. Therefore, it is in the interest of public safety that you open fire upon any police officers you happen to see. However, if you don't own guns because the bastard government took them away, here are some steps on dealing with cops.
Contents |
Origins
![All people of color look the same to the police, therefore they will all be shot on sight.[1]](/Image:Menezescomposite.jpg)
Roughly 2000 years ago, the United States government decided to troll the public by shaving some pigs and squeezing them into a set of blue pants and a shirt, then giving them cars with pretty, ADHD-placating flashing lights. Their plan has not worked according to plan and the IRL trolling has become an epidemic.
If you encounter one of these COPs (Cockmongling Overdressed Pig), DO NOT attempt to reason with it. These beasts suffer from severe intellectual insufficiency and will attempt to beat you down with the three sentences they know or, failing that, a big black phallus. Instead:
- Never pull your car over to the side of the road. (Seriously, what are they going to do, go Mad Max on your ass?)
- If you are caught outside the car, or must stop for some important reason, remember to speak to the pig in its native tongue, by oinking. This will make it feel at ease, and you'll see its joy in the increased blush of its skin, and the loud oinks it replies with.
- Should your pig become agitated, you may need to euthanize it. Do so by the following means:
- If male: Firearms are the preferred form of murder, but anything that comes to hand will do the job, really. Beating a pig to death with your cock (if you can find it) means major bonus points. Don't forget to "put two in its head to make sure that it's dead"!
- If female: Attempt to suck the pig's brains out. Everyone knows that pigs' brains are located in their lower abdomen, so the penis is the easiest route. Suck until the brains squirt out. You'll know this occurs when the pig sighs out its dying breath and you feel the brains fly into your throat.
- Calmly walk away. Pigs are sensitive to rapid movement and may chase you if you run.
Moar tips for dealing with cops:
- Always become highly intoxicated before driving. This way, the cop will be so put off by your mannerisms that he will flee into the woods to regroup (don't know with what).
- If you happen upon a female officer, smack her hard on the ass. Most female cops are very effeminate and have nothing against men. They may even have sex with you.
- Never speak to them. Cops are always trying to size everyone up in the room, and might be trying to get you for something. This is why a lot of internet tough guys are wannabe cops IRL.
- If all other attempts at negotiation fail, open your car door very fast and bash that fucking pig in the face. If it didn't brain damage him or kill him, he'll be too incapacitated to give you his precious fucking ticket.
In Soviet Russia public order keeps policemen.
Shot on Location:
An Uplifting Message
| —Dick Delicious and the Tasty Testicles, All Cops Are Dicks |
Cops In The UK
![The MET's modern day recruitment poster[2]](/Image:Anti_lulz_police.jpg)
In the halcyon days where you could leave your front door open without the fear of being robbed, the local police officers or “Bobbies” as they were called, were seen by the general public as local simpletons in suits. Police procedure in dealing with criminals included:
- Blowing whistles
- Slipping on banana skins
- Shouting “I know where you live” as the perpetrator made their getaway.
Today’s UK police officer is an entirely different beast. The Metropolitan Police Farce have taken a leaf out of their US counterpart’s books, not in the way that means using up-to-date methods of forensic science to produce an air tight case against an alleged criminal; but by using deceit, intimidation, hearsay, harassment, lies and fraud, they can make sure even the loosest case is put forward for prosecution.
In contrast to this, the volunteer group The Special Cunt-stubbles (or PCSOs aka 'Hobby Bobbies') are as effective as a chocolate fireguard
See Also
External Links
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