Conservapedia
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Conservapedia, affectionately referred to as "CP" by its dwellers (not to be confused with the CP you're probably thinking of, you sick fuck), is a wiki for true American conservative Christian patriots who want to know more about how to avoid evil homosexual love techniques. A non-commercial, non-governmental, non-educational, non-logical, non-sensical, and non-notable encyclopedia, it also responds to the name of Crapedia.
Every article on CP is an improvement of the same article on Wikipedia, freed from liberal bias and proofreading, and condensed into one or two concise sentences, then spammed to Hell with pertinent information about religion, creationism and what a great president W was. A good analogy: TOW is to Conservapedia as CNN is to Fox News.
Genesis
Conservapedia was created by Andrew "Buttplug" Schlafly, a TOW-obsessed master of law and engineering who was working as a teacher for a bunch of home-schooled students from New Jersey. Schlafly was moved to act when, while teaching a history class, he was confronted with the acronym BCE ("before the common era") in lieu of BC ("before Christ") in one student's assignment. "Where did that come from?" he demanded from the student, only to receive the chilling reply: "Wikipedia". Then, Schlafly slapped the girl hard in the face.
And so, he decided to make his own wiki, since Wikipedia was "riddled with LIEberal bias". An article in the LA Times confirms that 15-year-old girls who describe themselves as "Conservatives" are the main contributors to the website. One of the girls is quoted as saying that vandalism of Conservapedia has taught her that "There are people who want to destroy us." Articles are routinely vandalized by political terrorists who will do anything to spread their socialist propaganda. These terrorists have been and will continue to be reported to the FBI's Internet Crimes Division.
In the beginning, Andy looked upon his creation and saw that it was good. Still, while it may have been absent of LIBERAL DECEIT, there was also no trace of conservative truth to be found. Meanwhile, Andy was far too busy beating his students with the Bible to write articles for himself, so he recruited members of his family to manage the site while he was at church or at work, defending people accused of murdering abortion doctors. This worked until he realized that the rest of his family were illiterate rednecks incapable of turning on a computer, so he said, "Let there be open registration," and there was open registration.
Andy saw the open registration and saw that it was okay, we guess. The ignorant masses collaborated and formed primitive articles, making strange markings on the talk pages. However, this time of blissful ignorance would soon come to an end when Satan tempted the Conservapedos with fruit from the Tree of Knowledge. Loyal to their nature, the editors loled and passed up his offer. Highly offended, Satan penned an editorial in the LA Times the next day, which attracted many Sodomites. Some time later, Conservapedia was featured in a segment on The Daily Show, drawing in an even larger crowd of handsome liberals. Against their will, the pious Conservapedos tasted the fruit of Knowledge. Things could never be the same again.
The Truth
Encyclopedia Dramatica successfully discredits the Conservapedia's truthlessness, but this is ironically an accurate conviction. Conservapedia is all lies, as is stated on Conservapedia, and if a lies-based website says that its articles are factless, then either everything on the site is wrong, or everything on the site is "The Truth". In other words, whoever wrote Conservapedia is a complete douche bag. To determine which of these is true, one can proceed to any article on Conservapedia, and note its heavy relation to God and reliance on Biblical scripture, such as this article on bananas. Because Intelligent Design has already been proven as stupidity, it is obvious that any article not relating to it is heresy. Therefore, through an intense derivative of Raptor Jesus beliefs, it has been proven that Conservapedia is indeed, factless.
It's also written by lazy, juvenile people, with childish results. There is little in the way of research and almost nothing in the way of supporting documentation. See this reference by Andy himself.
The only articles on Conservapedia that can be edited are ones that have no direct association with God or Politics; therefore, if you wish to prove "The Lack Of Truth" on the website, you will be sad to know that no articles can be edited, because everything is related to his Dark Majesty in one way or another. In other words, Conservapedia editors are a bunch of low-IQ, gun-toting rednecks who honestly believe that the Earth is flat and that Jesus is a zombie who will come back to eat our brains unless we accept this fictional character into our hearts.
Raptor Jesus saves.
Unintentional Lulz
Although Conservapedia attempts to present itself as serious business, it's full of unintentional lulz. If graded by a high school teacher, most articles on Conservapedia would fail incredibly hard. This includes putting modern-day politics into everything, being offended by words that don't reference Jesus, and being offended by words that aren't spelled in proper American English.
Conservapedia claims to be free from gossip and hearsay, and also claims that TOW is full of it. Wikipedia editors replied to this, saying, "In actuality what has been posted may be more correctly attributed to the poster, rather than myself." As you can see from the quoted article from them on Hillary Clinton:
- Record as First Lady
- Hillary Clinton viewed her role as a co-equal with President Bill Clinton during his presidency. Immediately after his inauguration in 1993, Hillary Clinton embarked on a massive program to create a national health care system, leading a complex Health Care Task Force to revamp this 1/6th of the economy. She was sued by the Association of American Physicians and Surgeons for violations of the Federal Advisory Committee Act, and the trial judge ruled against her and the Clinton Administration. An appellate court reversed this ruling but remanded for further proceedings, which ultimately resulted in disclosures to comply with the law.
- Hillary Clinton's close friend Vincent Foster supervised the defense of the litigation, but reportedly committed suicide at the height of the controversy, and his body was found in a park in Northern Virginia. Hillary Clinton's health plan never passed Congress. The Republicans won a landslide victory in 1994, taking over both Houses of Congress.
- The remainder of Hillary Clinton's tenure as First Lady was devoted to combating scandals, some of her own making. She abruptly fired longtime members of the travel office, leading Congress to vote for a restoration of their benefits. At one point confidential tax records of Republican opponents were discovered in the White House, and no legitimate explanation was ever provided.
- At the height of the scandal that led to the impeachment of President Clinton, Hillary Clinton blamed it all on a "vast right-wing conspiracy." Her statement was widely ridiculed.
And most of all, Conservapedia seems to forget that people on the internets are dumb and anyone can edit Wikipedia.
Administrators
There are more than 30 violent and paranoid sysops at Perversapedia who refresh the Recent Changes page every two seconds to detect any trace of liberalism and lulz. All CP sysops are impotent, basement-dwellers, closeted homosexuals or some combination thereof.
Unsurprisingly, these twits follow Schlafly's lead like cattle. They are doing what comes naturally —following—, because they lack the fortitude to question someone who they perceive as powerful. They are simple, uncritical individuals who are incapable of leading themselves. No hedging here: they are barely coherent at best and almost completely removed from reality at worst. Their only potential for serious entertainment is that they won't see how corrupting an influence Schlafly is until it's too late.
'Nuff said. Here's an incomplete list:
Identified Administrators
- RobS or Rob Smith: Director of Internal Counterintelligence and history revisionist, he considers himself a scholar (Ha!). Rude to every user and ferociously homophobic, he's the most violent wielder of the banhammer
, only matched by TK. RobS will permaban you if you dare to contradict him in the slightest detail. Ironically booted from Wikipedia for the same behavior he now bans for. What a hypocrite!
- Edmund W. Poor or Ed Poor: an old bully, and a former TOW administrator, his talents are being used by Andy to keep Perversapedia "clean and concise". Moonie-cultist, antisemitic and racist to the core, Ed also loves the pedophilic nickname "Uncle Ed". In fact, he LOVES the loli, and has manifested his dirty fetish several times on CP. In July 2008, he unsuccessfully attempted to regain his adminship powers at TOW.
- Joaquin Martinez: an import from Campeche, Mexico, and the only Mexican who doesn’t like tequila. He wrote the article about his own country, and the first sentence is worthy of the Pulitzer: "Mexico is a country in North America, directly south of the United States; bordering the North Pacific Ocean is between Guatemala and the US and bordering the Caribbean Sea and the Gulf of Mexico, between Belize and the US." [1]
- Justine Allen a.k.a. Jallen a.k.a. Niandra: a lady from Australia who, ironically, became a trustworthy Conservapedian after being an untrustworthy seller of trinkets on eBay.
- Brian MacDonald a.k.a. Karajou: A 40+ faggot from Murfreesboro, Tennessee, Karajew spent 20 years behind a small desk in the U. S. Navy, where he was repeatedly penetrated by other Navy faggots. Also most likely a furry, as illustrated here.
- SharonS: a 16-year-old bag of organs. This is the infamous girl who claimed that "There are people who want to destroy us."
- DeanS (formerly Crocoite): member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, this poor lamb is severely disturbed since he comes from a polygamous family.
- Ken DeMyer a.k.a. Conservative: former Wikipedo, he was dishonorably expelled from TOW for bullying and lack of talent, so he was immediately made a Perversapedia sysop. A rampant homophobe with a borderline personality disorder, he has also authored such fantastic shitfests as Evolution, Atheism, and 98% of CP's articles on homosexuality. In case you missed the innuendo, HUGE FAGGOT.
- Roger Schlafly: Andy’s crack addicted brother, and a constant embarrassment to the family. He lives alone, and maintains little contact with the Schlaflys, to the point that he learned about Andy’s pet project from the internets. [2] Once blocked Andy by mistake.
- Terry Koeckritz a.k.a. TK : Incredibly nosy and stupid, this 58-year-old closet homo from the outskirts of Reno, Nevada is what CP treasures the most. He was a trusted henchman, yet asked for his own removal after a flame war with Schlafly himself. Unsurprisingly he was
accepted backpromoted again after Conservapedia rid itself of its Jew problem. It's a fact that every time Koeckritz blocked a user, he celebrated the event shaking hands with the one-eyed milkman. Arguably the most powerful CP sysop right now; allegedly, a infiltrator from RationalWiki (he's E.Wig at RW).
Unknown Administrators
- CollegeRepublican: Widely believed to be Andrew Schlafly Jr. Was promoted with no prior edit history, made two edits to the front page news and promptly disappeared.
- Learn Together: the ultimate ass kisser. His favorite ass is, of course, Andy's.
Sockpuppets
- CPWebmaster: Andy's sockpuppet, and his darkest side. As CPWebmaster, he exhibits Andy's obsession with abortion.
- DeborahB: Andy's second, sassy sockpuppet.
Former sysops
- Hojimachong: a true mystery, he was like a nigga commanding a branch of the KKK. Hojimachong is pro-evolution, pro-choice, pro-homosexuality, and favors premarital sex and the scientific method. Raped by the aforementioned TK.
- Tmtoulouse: As a sysop, his reign of terror was shorter than Benazir Bhutto's lifespan in Pakistan. Sysop of RationalWiki, also edits TOW under the same name.
- Fox: Kike, and possibly a Nazi fur. Self-destructed by posting articles parodying Aschlalfy's obsession with liberal topics.
- Philip J. Rayment: ex-Wikipedo, he was the most tactful of all CP sysops and the one who deeply believes that Jesus rode dinosaurs. A fundie from Victoria, he quit on March 2009, after declining an indecent proposal by Schlafly.
- Daniel Holmes a.k.a. DanH: Baptist student from Kansas and a Mitt Romney supporter. Enough said.
- HelpJazz: Probably likes negro music. Must be confused - he actually tried simultaneously to follow Andy's orders and to improve articles. As a result, never, ever, ever got night-editing rights. Left for good in 2008.
- Bugler: Schlafly gave him 24/7 edit privileges, uploading privileges, blocking power and two non-consecutive blowjobs. Seemingly the avatar of Poe's Law here on Earth, he has now admitted to being a troll all along.
- JessicaT: some Azn chick. Never mind.
Censorship and Attack tactics
Besides the Big Sister's Hammer, Perversapedia sysops employ a series of dirty tactics and flawed arguments when they are hopelessly trapped, when blocking a user or when their infallible liberal detector points to somebody who's probably a liberal. Note that nobody has won a war against a CP sysop, and no CP sysop has ever apologized to a user. Evar.
- Loaded questions: embodies an assumption that, if answered, indicates an implied agreement.
e.g. (About Larry Craig) What a deceitful person. -Wwwknow 21:40, 29 August 2007 (EDT)
(Loaded question) What are you suggesting, that he be impeached? Rob Smith 21:50, 29 August 2007 (EDT)
- Name-calling: An statement usually intended to deceive that omits some of the facts necessary for an accurate description. Lame excuse.
e.g. 13:43, 12 September 2007 RobS (Talk | contribs) blocked "Dlong (contribs)" with an expiry time of infinite (liberal supremacist; email me if you got a problem with that, punk.)
- Confirmation bias: a type of selective thinking whereby one tends to notice and to look for what confirms one's beliefs, and to ignore, not look for, or undervalue the relevance of what contradicts one's beliefs, e.g., virtually anything on CP. Or, to quote CP: "Confirmation bias: a type of selective thinking whereby liberals tend to report what confirms their beliefs, and to ignore, or undervalue what contradicts their beliefs."[3]
- Red herring: when the arguer diverts the attention by changing the subject.
e.g. Pachyderm, this isn't Wikipedia. Be courteous on one's user talk page or leave. Please. Be polite on my talk page if you want me to respond. Thanks. In Christ, --User:Aschlafly 19:45, 7 September 2007 (EDT)
- Reification fallacy: when they treat an abstract belief or hypothetical construct as if it represented a concrete event or physical entity. [4]
- Ad baculum: a favorite, it's the fallacy committed when the sysop makes use of force or threats to bring about the acceptance of a conclusion.
e.g. This is not Wikipedia. We do not "communicate" the way they do, with intimidation, bullying, humiliation, threats, teasing, and relentless POV-pushing. You don't have "rights" here, and thus you have no right to "speak your mind" or "demand answers"... It's time to drop the pretense: you're not fooling anyone. If you want to help, you can. Your complaints to the contrary ring hollow, and frankly I'm losing patience. --Ed Poor Talk 20:33, 22 June 2007 (EDT)
- Petitio Principii or Vicious Circle: also known as "begging the question", it's any form of argument which fails to prove anything because it takes for granted what it is supposed to prove.
e.g. Any chance we can work together on Deceit? This is getting a little harsh. --Ursus 17:26, 5 September 2007 (EDT)
You're pushing a liberal point of view. Deceit is factual and undisputed. Your changes are to dilute it or remove what is plainly true. Suggest improvements, but it is not going to diluted or modified to make it liberal. Godspeed.--Aschlafly 18:07, 5 September 2007 (EDT)
- Ad Hominem: another CP favorite, this attacks the opponent straight in the chest. It’s an attempt to argue against the idea by discrediting the proponent himself.
e.g. Pachyderm, your tone and attitude discredit any merit in your arguments. Be polite and show me your very best example, or please play the role of an angry young man somewhere else. Thanks. In Christ,--Aschlafly 19:36, 7 September 2007 (EDT) (After a discussion about genocide in Yugoslavia) And Schlafly goes to great lengths to show who's boss...
- Misrepresentation of sources: Claiming, for instance, that one person's personal viewpoint is in actual fact an accurate representation of a large body of people.[5]
Userbase
While Schlafly boasts around 20,000 users, what he doesn't tell you is that Conservapedia's userbase is evenly divided between 17% mindless, droning conservatives and 83% liberal trolls. While these trolls insist that they are individual people correcting the skewed facts in each article, the sysops accuse them of being sockpuppets. This is true. Every liberal editor on the site is actually a sock puppet of Michael Moore, who currently maintains over 9000 accounts on Conservapedia.
Liberalism
Conservapedia is actually liberal, so no conservative should go there seeking a reliable encyclopedia. Account creation was recently closed because so many pro-Fred Phelps users have been pushing their ultra-conservative POVs. Basically, this is proof this is a fag-enabling, liberally biased piece of shit and obviously not seriously conservative - real Conservatives, of course, turn instead to Metapedia.
Also, it was recently found that the Bible is far too liberal, so they are going to rewrite it. Truth
Forbidden Pages
Many articles in Conservapedia are impossible to create, as they are "deleted and protected to prevent re-creation". You should know, however, that these terms can’t get past the spam filter, so be careful:
4chan, Cunt, Orgy, Encyclopedia Dramatica disregard that, I suck cocks, RationalWiki, Furry fandom, Shit, Crap, Feces, Fag, Fellatio, Masturbation, Anal, Semen, Fuck, Fock, Clitoris, Vulva, Orgasm, Intercourse, Nigger, Dick, Cum, Child (?!?), Blowjob (though not Blow Job), Goatse, Motherfucker and now nigga!!!
However, we encourage you to use your imagination and create moar future deleted pages.
Penis, vagina, and several other terms for sex organs redirect to a supremely inane article on Human reproduction, since they need to preserve the innocence of people like BethanyS, in an Orwellian attempt to spread ignorance.
This, of course, would suit Mommy Schlafly very well. The Schlaflys are all about the basic elements of the conservative movement. Phyllis (Andy's mom) made no secret that her opposition to various groups and progressive activities were to maintain privilege. Her privilege. Part of making that happen is an effort to keep the religious faithful as dumb as possible.
Conservapedia is certainly doing that. Cruising Conservapedia can be a lot of fun for an educated, enlightened person. Watching a wingnut with a look of seriousness on his face as he cruises Conservapedia is an absolute riot.
We do not allow liberal censorship of conservative facts. lol
"We do not allow liberal censorship of conservative facts." lol [6]
Trolling and B&baiting
- Ask how the FBI investigation against vandals is going. This never wears out: Hello Mr Schlafly. As a long term reader of your excellent encyclopaedia, but only recently signed up, I was wondering what the current state of affairs is regarding the FBI investigation into the vandalism of this site? I certainly hope that their efforts bear fruit, and that the culprits are severely chastised as a warning to others. With best wishes, User:CliffBrumby 11:00, 15 January 2008 (EST)
- Second-guess a sysop.
- Have a liberal username.
- Argue forcefully with a sysop about freedom of speech. Try to be as rational as possible; this will infuriate them.
- Ask Andy Schlafly the specific reason why he's homeschooling his children.
- Ask Andy if his mom is a nigger-hater.
- Ask any CP psysop a really difficult question. They will ignore you, of course, so you'll inquire for an answer.
- Register under the username "AmazingAtheist" and insert the phrase "believed by Christians to be" into the phrase "Jesus Christ is the only son of God."
- Ask Andy if old Phyllis is sponsoring Conservapedia.
- Try to politely question any edit that Andy makes with such underhanded liberal deceptions as facts and citations.
- Imply that Obama has actual faults that could be addressed in his article, and that it's somehow less than 100% certain that he's a radical crypto-Mawzlam.
- Improve one of CP's existing pages by adding ????. (See the example page)
- Don't forget to celebrate their birthday, or they might cry.
- And lastly, having any variation of the word lulz in your username
Colbert Trolls Conservapedia Into Oblivion
On 10/7/2009 at about 11:45 PM, Stephen Colbert announced that the Conservative Bible Project, a project to remove liberal bias from the bible, is lacking something very important.
Here's a timeline of the events that followed:
- 11:46: Everyone races online to create an account before the B&hammer falls. Conservapedia crashes instantly.
- 11:52: Conservapedia stops crashing occasionally.
- 11:57: People start making helpful clarifying changes to the Bible.
- 12:00: Editing is automatically disallowed after 12:00 AM every night because Evil Liberal Trolls don't know how to use a computer during the day.
- 12:02: Conservapedia admins flip the fuck out: "OMG ITS A LIBERAL ATTACK ON OUR SITE BAN EVERYONE!!!11"
- 12:15 Conservapedia admins lock the Conservative Bible Project page. They agree to keep it locked for a few days until the whole thing blows over. This makes everyone fan out to every part of the site vandalize the fuck out of it.
A week passes; the Bible Retranslation Project main page looks like this:
Fascinating Facts
- Did you know that Conservapedians celebrate the deceitful merit of having more than 23,000 questionable, limited and alarmingly biased entries?
- Did you know that faith is a uniquely Christian concept?
- Did you know that saying otherwise is "unsupported"?
- Did you know that Wikipedia has many biases, and not all of them are related to egotistical blowhards?
- Did you know that the Jew is compelled by his Satanic ancestry to carry on a conspiracy against Europeans?
- Did you know that Barack Obama has to be a Muslim because of the way he pronounces "Pakistan"?
- Did you know that all kangaroos descend from a single pair that were taken aboard Noah's Ark?
- Did you know that anal fistula is a significant issue in regards HIV infection?
- Did you know that dinosaurs are probably still alive?
- Did you know that Fred Phelps is a Liberal activist?
- Did you know Conservapedia has a high score list?
- Did you know that you MUST troll Conservapedia at least once before you die?
- Did you know that if you wear all black and are educated at a public school then you'll definitely become a mass murderer?
- Did you know that the top ten most looked at pages (aside from the front page) all have to do with gayness, the mechanics of gay sex, common health problems that arise from gay sex, and the best way to stay in the closet for the rest of your sad little life?
Bel Air
Now this is a story all about how
The tubes got flipped turned upside down
And I'd like to take a minute just sit right there
I'll tell you how I become the admin of a site called Conservapedia.
In west Illinois, born and raised
At my homeschool was where I spent most of my days
Indoctrinatin', proselytisin', evangelisin' all cool
And all shootin' some heroin outside of the school
When a couple of liberals they were up to no good
Started opposin' classroom prayer in my neighborhood
I got in one little argument and my mom got scared
And said, "You're movin' with RobS and TK to Conservapedia!"
I whistled for some help and when it came near
It was a damn huge cruiser with Karajou in 'er
If anything I could say that this ship was rare
But I thought, "Nah, forget it. Yo home to Conservapedia!"
I'd picked all my admins by about 7 or 8
And I yelled to the swabby 'yo holmes smell ya later'
Looked at my kingdom I was finally there
To sit in my castle as the admin of Conservapedia.
Gallery
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Related links
- Conservapedia: a plumbing fixture for defecation
- The Onion
- As accurate as a catatonic drunkard’s line of urine
- Conservapedia's best article evar
- A conservative wiki
- The first superhuman being, who lived over 900 years!
- Why no, we have no fascinations at all...
- A video of this horror. Comment and
raperate, plz - OH NOES!! Obama did WTC
- "I was a Conservapedia Administrator", by former sysop Philip J. Rayment. Andy must be angry.
- Conservapedia gets owned
- The most ironic article on Conservapedia.
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