The War of Northern Aggression

From Encyclopedia Dramatica

A group of fine, just Confederate soldiers go out for a picnic and boccie ball tournament. Sadly, a group of Northern soldiers ambushed them shortly after this photo was taken.

Also referred to as "The Great Unpleasantness", the War of Northern Aggression occurred at least 100 years ago between the North and South of the United States. Many, many people died, and they did so for one reason (contrary to common knowledge): E-points. It is a great source of drama for many people in the South who still can't believe they lost, and gets great lulz from historians who debate endlessly about the causes of the war and the minutiæ of the battles and battlefields of the war.

Some people are into a form of cosplay where they dress up like soldiers and "re-enact" the war. They're not quite as bad as furries, but it's still pretty disturbing.

[edit] The Players

The war had a number of important figures on both sides.

[edit] The North

• Abraham Lincoln was the President. He was so divisive that, upon election, half the country jumped ship. Many conservatives wished the same after re-electing George W. Bush, but to no avail. Lincoln was best known, however, for his enormous shits. These large fecal presents were called "Lincoln Logs" by his detractors, and, today, 13 year old boys play with them. Lincoln is also known for his famous battleform, Abraham Kingkong.

• Ulysses S. Grant won a spelling bee in third grade after correctly spelling his name. In celebration, he went on a bender with some hookers and blow, and dropped out. Lincoln, impressed by this ability to party hard, made him the general of the Union army following the South's departure.

• George McClellan was another Union groupie. He sucked many a cock to get to his position as a general in the Union army. He would have sucked Quasidan's penis as well, but Quasidan was quoted as saying "Maybe when that black guy finishes scrubbing the deck."

• William Tecumseh Sherman was a batshit ginger who burned Atlanta and started the first Freaknick. Sherman was responsible for singlehandedly spreading ruin throughout much of the South.

• George Meade was the pussy bitch general at Gettysburg. By winning Gettysburg by sitting on his ass atop some gay hill, he proceeded to get his shit ruined by a weak Robert E. Lee while Lee was retreating across the stream of piss called the Potomac. Eventually he became the subordinate of Grant, who used him solely for BDSM adventures during the overland campaign.

• Denzel Washington was the result of affirmative action and the deepest ass pounding Abraham Lincoln ever received. Unfortunately monkeys can't use guns and he was an utter failure as a soldier so his good friend, Michael Jordan, suggested that he act in gay pornos. A year later, Spike Lee's Malcolm X was released.

[edit] The South

• Jefferson Davis is the hero of the Confederacy. Born to a rich and beautiful family, he grew up with all of life's luxuries and at least 20% of the South's slaves. Upon seceding from the United States, the South elected him the President of the Confederate States of America. This caused a lot of drama with his homosexual college buddy, Lincoln, and honest Abe responded by driving his ship into Sumter's Fort.

• Robert E. Lee was the Confederate general. He was colorblind, so ended up calling a lot of white people racist names. He enjoyed poetry and sending thousands of people to die for a noble cause.

• Stonewall Jackson was a batshit Christian fundamentalist who earned his nickname through his ability to stay hard whether or not he was in battle or engaged in multiple rounds of buttsecks. Later, faggots would admire this ability, so they named some bar where they staged a gay rally or some shit after him. Got pwned by his own troops.

• Slaves were a favorite of the South. Slaves loved working for their kind Southern masters, and were rewarded with food rations. One day, the North said "No more slavery," and the black folk who were the slaves said "fuck that" and went to war with their benevolent owners. Barack Obama's ancestors were awarded the Medal of Honor for shooting Abraham Lincoln and then skull fucking him.

[edit] How the War Turned Out

The South got pwned. After Lee made the boneheaded move of challenging Meade to a game of Stratego at the Board Game Fair of Gettysburg 1864, he was forced to give up his entire army or face buggery by Mark Twain. Upon seeing the size of Twain's penis, he immediately waved the white flag in surrender.

The South, however, got the last laugh, when John Wilkes Booth went to the theater and, after making sweet, homosexual love to the entire cast of "Rent: Richmond, Virginia," shot Lincoln in the head. Booth later died, but not before being given ops in #FuX0rTheNorth. Historians unanimously agree that Booth did it for the lulz.

With Lincoln's death, the Southern slaveholders were pardoned, slaves had no where to go, so they came crawling back. But it was all good, because now they were whipped less, and called "sharecroppers" instead of "slaves".