Suicide

From Encyclopedia Dramatica

Suicide is the absolute and irreversible pwnage of one's self IRL, in which an individual becomes an hero to those still dwelling in the real world. It is the equivalent of flipping over the Monopoly board. Contrary to popular belief, this also stops you from posting online.

*Advice to the emotionally unstable: If you intend to kill yourself, DO NOT tell anyone or they may try to stop you.*

Contents 1 Suicide and Evolution 2 Techniques 2.1 Gunshot 2.2 Jumping 2.3 Drugs 2.4 Intake 2.5 Slicing 2.6 切腹 & 腹切 for the Otaku 2.7 Poison 2.8 Water inhalation 2.9 The Last Kebab 2.10 Train Method 3 Educational Documentary 4 How to Off Yourself 4.1 The Awesome 4.1.1 The Awesome (Feat. Boom-Shaka-laka) 4.1.2 The Other Awesome 4.1.3 The Double Awesome 4.2 The Pinata 4.3 The Last Revenge 4.4 The Flying Taliban 4.5 The Ripper 4.6 The Terminator 4.7 The Ultima 4.8 The Shower 4.9 Red Ink 4.10 Chuoside 4.11 Christmaside 5 Protips 5.1 Don't Go Alone! 5.2 Be Aware of Man Points! 5.3 The Note 5.4 Did You Jump or Were You Pushed? 5.5 Be a Movie Star! 6 Cultural Suicide 7 People Who Should Commit Suicide 8 Related Articles 9 External Links

[edit] Suicide and Evolution

What does suicide have to do with evolution? Consider this testimony by a man suffering from depression and contemplating suicide:

“	Hi, my name is Gerard. I'm just a bit concerned by the tendency of the medical profession and society in general to want to put a label on us as depressive people and therefore that there's something wrong with us. I think that some people may have an inability to cope, and maybe this might sound a bit extreme, but that might be Darwinian theory, the Darwin theory of survival of the fittest. Maybe some of us aren't meant to survive, maybe some of us are meant to kill ourselves because the only people that really suffer are the ones left behind, but the person who kills themself may in fact be liberated from this body.	„
—Life Matters, ABC Radio National (Australia), 04/05/2000

[edit] Techniques

Be sure to use a good (reliable) method: failure at being a failure is inexcusable.

[edit] Gunshot

A .22 caliber is efficient because it penetrates the skull but doesn't exit, bouncing around and scrambling your brains, but use a larger round for garunteed success. Kurt Cobain and Ernest Hemingway had the right idea with a shotgun. Also, it is good to practice with your gun at a shooting gallery. A shotgun at the back of the head works well--it's the brain stem you want to destroy (lest you return as a member of the undead). Good luck, and leave enough cash for the cleanup crew. Shotguns are also easier to obtain than handguns and can be purchased at 18 instead of 21. It also helps to live in a state with a 0-day waiting period on guns--they only make you wait 30 minutes while they check you out on the FBI. If you have trouble getting a gun, go to a gun show--you can pay cash for a gun. Suicide is best to plan ahead for: you should have a shotgun and ammo ready so when you're sad, you can do it on impulse.

Also known as "Extreme Lead Poisoning" or "Hot Lead Injection."

Do not forget to get on stickam or provide some other way for us to see you pulling the trigger- but make sure it's going to the internet so it spreads.

• PROTIP: You want this shit to work 100% and you want it to be as painless as possible. One common misconception is that you should shoot the gun into the back of your mouth. BAD IDEA. This kills you from excessive blood loss and hurts like hell. What's more, you still have a chance to survive this bullshit. Another form of improper use is shooting to the side of your head. Your brain is very small compared to the size of your head, and there's a good chance you'll miss your brain and, once again, die an unimaginably painful death by blood loss. So, how do you properly use a gun to commit suicide you ask? Simple. Put the gun in your mouth, barrel up, and be sure to try and get it in the middle or so. This assures the bullet will go through your brain and the extreme amount of pain you feel will only be for an instant or so. Unless you manage to survive that, in which case you are totally fucked.

[edit] Jumping

Ever been on a roller coaster? No? Of course not, that's something you'd do with friends, and you're obviously lacking them. That fact aside, jumping to your death is a great way to commit suicide. If you tell someone ahead of time, they won't lift a finger to stop you. There's plenty of news crews willing to pay $50 for footage of a guy leaping from his office building, shit in his pants and splatter all over the pavement. Leave your mark on the world, and splatter all over a crowded area. For added Lulz, aim for crowded areas wearing a frilly rainbow shirt and fill your pockets with candy before jumping, and only scream once it's too late from them to get out of your way. That way, the gathered crowd may confuse you with a pinata, though probably not as they'll be dead.

See also: Chuoside, the Japanese version of a jumping suicide.

Careful: Failure hurts a lot!

[edit] Drugs

Opiate OD is supposedly one of the more pleasant ways to die. So vomit into your own lungs while half asleep and blitzed out of your gourd. Be that rock star you always wished you'd be! Combining booze and barbies is another good method. Rock star! Please see our article on drugs for moar information.

Recommended drugs:

• Alcohol
• At Least 4 or 5 Advil
• Crack cocaine (or "rock")
• Paint thinner
• Jenkem
• Sleeping pills
• Iron tablets
• Pure Guaifenesin
• Boronade
• See drugs for full list.
• Diet Pepsi
• LOLOL
• Kool Aid
• Viagra
• Flintstones vitamins
• Brick(s)

NOTE: mojo_iv has proven without a doubt that no amount of marijuana can kill you.

[edit] Intake

As much as possible. It is almost always recommended to take any of these drugs intravenously; however, if you are videotaping yourself, or are committing suicide on live television, swallowing has a stronger visual effect. Work your audience!

[edit] Slicing

• Warning: may cause heavy unexplained bleeding.

Open a major artery; there are two in your neck, either will bleed out fast enough to kill you in a matter of minutes (mostly by removing blood from your already cloudy and ugly brain). Open up your wrists (up from your palm, to your elbow, go deep, at least 1 inch) for that true dramatic "fuck you". You'll have enough time to paint the walls red. Your inner thigh has a huge artery, feeding a bunch of blood to those lower extremeties. You open that up, and sure enough, you'll bleed out and die. Arteries won't clot well without help. However, to ensure minimal chance of survival, it is best to sit in a warm bath as this encourages blood flow, easy mess cleanup. And looks really cool when they find you.

Remember to bring a book - you will need to lose between five and eight pints of blood before you slip into that great oblivion. Most Doctors recommend "The Whipping of the Juggalos".

• Breaking news At least 100 year old news: David Hasselhoff tries cutting, fails, and makes up an excuse.

[edit] 切腹 & 腹切 for the Otaku

The terms seppuku and hara-kiri both refer to the traditional suicide method of the samurai. The difference is, quite literally, that one translates as "cutting of the belly" and the other as "gut stabbing." The distinction is primarily one of vulgarity, with the former indicating a cowardly or dumb act, and the latter an honorable and noble death.

Here's how it's done: kneel on the floor (heh) and have a kaishaku helper stand slightly behind you. Next, take a short sword or a knife and stab yourself in the lower left area of the stomach. Next, pull the blade from left to right, slicing your torso and bringing your intestines out to say hello. If you start to falter (or if he just gets bored), your kaishaku can step in and lop your head off for you. But not all the way off, then your head would get dirty. Can't have that, instead you want a thin band connecting it, ala bobblehead.

Got it? OK, get cracking.

[edit] Poison

The woman's weapon of choice. A solid dose of a neural toxin only hurts for a bit, leaves you looking rosy and nice, while your body shuts down organ by organ. The brain goes last, buddy, after your eyes and ears have already stopped passing information back. It dies slow, a good 5 minutes after your heart has stopped beating. Strychnine, Cyanide, Atropine, Drain Cleaner, Hemlock, Furshampoo, and Lye, these are all good things to swallow and die.

[edit] Water inhalation

Simply dunk your head in a bowl of water and inhale, causing water to enter your lungs. After that, the lungs will begin to accumulate more water. Even a little bit will cause you to drown to death within a few hours. Be sure to force your body to inhale, not swallow, as swallowing does nothing but make it go to your stomach and your body will naturally use its instinct to swallow. It's going to have the bloody imbecile blacking in and out of consciousness for approximately 4-10 minutes; painfully avoiding the bodies natural reaction to bob for air. After minutes of pure water inhalation, it will simply cause the person to become incredibly fatigued. You'll go into a nice nap and not wake up!

NOTE: Don't be a blatant idiot and attempt to drown your sorrows sober! Be sure to indulge in a lulzy combo of Skittles n' Scotch before hand.

[edit] The Last Kebab

This takes months of preparation before the actual suicide (but then again, what suicide doesn't?) (See Cutting). First, you need to acquire a penis enlarger from your nearest shifty looking sex salesman, and use it on yourself every chance you get, for at least 100 months. You're wanting to commit suicide! What better things have you got to do, other than having a shit and shaving every so often? It may take a while to acheive the desired result, but the main thing is to have patience. Once your penis is longer than the family table leg, carefully conceal it down your trouser leg and leave the house. Walk to a heavily urbanized area, and find a young child, no older than about 5, but preferably a baby. Unleash your manhood and slap the bewildered child about a bit, before quickly thrusting it through their head, killing them. This will most certainly give you an erection, and thus you can run around, trying to skewer more innocents. Aim for the highest score possible before the authorities take you down. Challenge your friends!

[edit] Train Method

NOTE: An offshoot of this method is the Late Night Big Rig Makeout Session. To properly perform this, stand on your local freeway in the dark hours of the night. When you see a big rig hurdling toward you at speed, emerge from your hiding place and position yourself directly in front of the vehicle. The benefit to this method is that your chances of getting hit are great (big rigs do not handle well and even if the driver miraculously swerves, there is a strong likelihood of the trailer still hitting you) and everyone else on the freeway gets to see your epic display of an heroics.

[edit] Educational Documentary

On 06-13-08 Faux released an educational documentary featuring tons of ways of ways to kill your self. This includes: shooting yourself through the head, jumping of buildings, driving your car into a tree, how to get a lawn mower to kill you and much more. The documentary is called The Happening, if you have any suicidal thoughts please see this documentary!

[edit] How to Off Yourself

[edit] The Awesome

Stand at the top of a tall structure and make sure that there is something relatively soft such as grass, or a sleeping fat person, below. You should preferably be on the edge of some kind of overhang, such as a bridge.

Next, tie cheese wire around your neck, tight enough that it won't slip off under tension but loose enough not to choke you. Remember, you don't want to die looking like a Michael Hutchence wannabe. Nobody wants to be Michael Hutchence. Even Hutchence hated it.

Anyway, tie the cheese wire to something solid on top of the structure. Make sure that there is a good six or seven feet of slack. Now stand at the edge and glue your hands to the side of your head. If you are under the age of 16, you may wish to get a responsible but sociopathic adult to help you. Wait until your hands are glued solidly to your head. This has the added advantage of stopping you from calling for help if you change your mind (you fucking pussy).

Now jump off the structure. It'll only hurt for a second, when the cheese wire runs out of slack and slices through your neck. The overhang should stop you from bashing your now-severed head against the wall of the structure when the cutting motion jerks your body backwards.

You should hopefully land face down, although this is really out of your hands by now. Unlike your head, which is glued to them. This has the excellent effect of causing whoever finds your body to think that you have pulled your head off.

Guaranteed to break the ice at parties!

[edit] The Awesome (Feat. Boom-Shaka-laka)

Same setup as "The Awesome" except one must prepare a basketball hoop at the bottom of the place of descent prior to the jump in the hopes of slam-dunking one's own face.

Guaranteed to break the ice at naughty parties!

[edit] The Other Awesome

Find a large building overlooking a park or other public area that can support a large number of people. In the middle of the day, douse yourself with gasoline, put on a suicide bomber vest, and do whatever it takes to attract a large crowd of people. Taking someone hostage and calling in all the news networks is a good method. Once there is a large crowd of people all watching intently, light yourself on fire and jump towards them. Try to aim for the center of the group. Once you're fifteen feet above them, detonate the vest. This will shower the crowd with flaming gibs.

Popular at weddings and bar mitzvahs!

[edit] The Double Awesome

A variation of The Awesome, performed with an exception: you do it with a buddy. You glue your hands to THEIR head, and vice versa, so it looks as though you've pulled your buddy's head off, and vice versa, creating lulz, and vice versa.

The kids will love it!

[edit] The Pinata

Requires: Smarties and other candy (hopefully half your weight), a building at least 200 feet tall, a loose shirt and baggy pants, a belt, socks, epic fucking balls

1) Go to the top of the structure (that means "building").

2) Swallow as much candy as possible without chewing. Stuff yourself until you feel like you're going to throw up.

3) Tuck your shirt into your pants, then tighten your belt and fill your shirt with candy.

4) Tuck your pants into your socks, then fill your pants with more candy.

5) Take any candy that's left and stuff your mouth.

6) Jump. Do it, faggot.

7) Fall. May take between 5 and 10 seconds.

8) Allow others to feast on sanguinated candy and fleshy bits.

This is one of the best forms of suicide, since it teaches impressionable young children not only that suicide is cool, but that it will benefit the other children all around them as well. This will cause more bullies to push suicide as an option, which should create more an heroes... Which of course, will generate more lulz.

[edit] The Last Revenge

Using a catapult, cannon or trebuchet, launch yourself through the window of your most hated enemy (or E-nemy), preferably during some kind of family gathering. You should strike the glass with sufficient force to shred your body to ribbons, causing you to burst spectacularly when you hit the wall at the back of the room. Try drinking lots of blue food dye just beforehand for that authentic "Jackson Pollock" effect.

Your enemy will have to pay huge amounts to clean and fix up the house, only to sell it on at a huge loss because nobody will want to buy it after such a horrific event. As a bonus, the last thing you see will be the unsuspecting faces of your victims. Bonus points if you traumatise a child.

[edit] The Flying Taliban

1. Get a bomb belt with height detecting detonator.
2. Find a high public building in your city.
3. Get on the roof of it.
4. Set your bomb to detonate at about 30-50 meters above the ground level.
5. Wait for a crowd to gather.
6. Jump. You will provide a rain of intestines and blood for the crowd and become an hero. +Bonus for falling in superman fashion, extra bonus for having airplane transformer suit.
7. ????
8. PROFIT!

Note: If the police somehow get you, you will still blow up when they escort you downstairs. This is a win-win technique.

[edit] The Ripper

Just follow Ripper's easy instructions steps: <ripper> 320mg methadone

<ripper> 24mg klonopin

<ripper> 120mg resotril

<ripper> 1.5 grams KB

<ripper> 4 grams mersh

<ripper> plus the 130mg inderol

<ripper> drink some 151

<ripper> b harcore

[edit] The Terminator

1.Find A Suicidal Friend

2.Arm yourself to the teeth

3.Take Two Rippers

4.Find a Single Female

5.Convince Her You have been sent From The Future to protect her

From Your friend who is hunting both of you

• bonus for destruction of police station

[edit] The Ultima

Arguably one of the coolest ways to off yourself.

1. Obtain a skill saw.
2. Plug in.
3. Using duct tape, tape open the blade guard and tape down the triggers. This will turn on the saw.
4. Slowly move the saw into your neck.
5. Snuff it.

Bonus points for doing it in a public area. A very large bonus if you manage to decapitate yourself. Children should always be involved with this method.

[edit] The Shower

The best way to go if you want those fuckers and faggots to feel remorse.

1. Get a shotgun. Preferably one that causes more splatter (10 gauge sawed-off), but any kind will do.
2. Tell all of the guys who pick on you to come to the front of school an hour after last period.
3. Go get your shotgun.
4. Go back, get your trench coat.
5. When they come, get close, take off trench coat.
6. BLAM!!! If done right, you will have them covered in your blood and their piss.

[edit] Red Ink

Just for fucking lulz

1. Sever your arm in a blender (puree, cuz of the bones).
2. Make sure it is thick.
3. Write your suicide note on the wall, using your hand as quill and blood as ink.

(Video is optional.)

[edit] Chuoside

Chu-o-side

"Chu" like Chewbacca and Pikachu.

"O" like what your mom says when I give her the knub.

"Side" like where I slapped her repeatedly until it bruised.

Chuoside is the act of dramatically committing suicide by jumping into the path of an oncoming train on the Chuo Line in Japan. Those who would be an hero favor the Chuo line because the express trains pass at high speed through many convenient stops in metropolitan Tokyo. The Chuosider can be assured that their guts, entrails, eyeballs, scrotum and other appendages will be messily strewn about, and that they will have totally fucked the train schedule for thousands of people who just want to get home. As a special beyond-the-grave flip of the bird, remaining family members will be billed for the clean-up process as well as all the down-time incurred as a result of the Chuoside. (Yes, this really happens.)

An example of a Chuoside can be seen in the movie Hostel. However, not only was the girl in that film a fake Japanese, her fake eye makeup sucked, and she tossed herself in front of some Eurofag train instead of the real thing. Amateur. The Japanese flick Suicide Club begins with an awesome scene of mass teen Chuoside, but sadly runs out of lulz shortly thereafter.

[edit] Christmaside

1) Acquire a Santa Claus costume, a gun, a large bag, and several stuffed animals.

2) Around mid-December, fill the bag with the stuffed animals and load your gun.

3) Stand on the roof of a building approximately two stories high above a crowded street, wearing your Santa Claus costume.

4) Gently toss the stuffed animals over the edge of the roof while shouting, "Ho, ho, ho!"

5) This should draw the attention of several small children. If it doesn't, try to advertise your, "deed," as best you can from the rooftop.

6) When you've either: A. Drawn the attention of a substantial amount of children, B. Run out of stuffed animals, C. Drawn the attention of the local authorities; lean over the edge of the roof to the point that you're about to fall, pull out your gun and blow your fucking brains out. If you've performed this correctly, your corpse should land in front of several children, scarring them for life. (Extra points for landing on someone!)

TIP: If you really want to leave a mark, eat as much of the most diarrhea-inducing food as you can. (You shit yourself when you die.) You want those motherfuckers scarred.

NOTE: If you've drawn the attention of the media and your suicide is broadcast on live television, you are an hero.

• Also known as Santaside.

DISCLAIMER: Encyclopædia Dramatica bears no responsibility for any of the advice given above, or its effects on your karma. If you're reincarnated as a slug don't come running, er, oozing to us for help.

[edit] Protips

The following are for pros only. No n00bs!

1. Get a reputable crime scene cleaner to pick up your dead (and potentially rotting) corpse. No one loved you before you were dead, they'll love your useless mass of rotting meat even less. Look in your local yellow pages for them.
2. Before you make the big step towards Hell, where you will be roasting for all eternity alongside Ellen DeGenerate; Adolf Hitler, and whatever sick, sick individual came up with the idea of Chinese Finger Traps -- get rid of your possessions and friends! Do you honestly think you need them? And make sure it's a complete surprise for other people. It may even be fun to mislead them with false evidence.
3. State your intention in your online journal. DUH.
4. Party like an animal. Hey, it's your last time to do whatever you wanted!
5. Die.
6. ?????
7. PROFIT!!!

[edit] Don't Go Alone!

Why leave this cruel, cruel world on your own? You might as well take down a few emo assholes or something while you're at it, for the extra lulz and to rack up a couple man points. Oh, and babies. Who doesn't love dead babies? Heck, maybe if you did enough killing, you'd find yourself in a much better mood and not quite ready to banhammer yourself out of existence. It's a win-win situation!

See Virginia Tech massacre for moar information.

[edit] Be Aware of Man Points!

Suicide can be cause for a major loss of man points, reducing your e-penis and rendering you a lesbian. Always consider what effects your actions could have on your man points. Faggot.

[edit] The Note

It is very important to write a good suicide note full of lulz. Otherwise, nobody will know why you decided to off yourself -- why deprive them of that? Make it so that it looks like you did nothing wrong and that the world is a more messed-up place than yourself. For great examples on how to write a note, watch the movie "Heathers". Here is an example of a good suicide note, from the classic Onion article:

When writing yer suicide note, remember to:

• Use quality pen and paper

Make sure your writing materials are of good quality. It can be very frustrating when you want to kill yourself and your pen doesn't work. Friends and family will appreciate good penmanship. Don't forget you're nothing special and everyone knows it but wouldn't they be surprised to find that you can write neatly.

• Be innovative!

Try and reach as many people with your suicide note as you can, drawing as much attention to yourself as possible. If you want to be really hardcore, there are a multitude of ways in which you can take advantage of the Internets for maximum exposure. A great example of this is The great emo suicide meme of 2005. Another good way would be to take a page out of Pelle "Dead" Ohlin's book and say (this only works if you're gonna have a bloody death) "Please excuse all the blood."

• Chec yor spelinge

Nothing says 'I'm a retarded emofag' more than if you misspell your own name. You want to make your family and friends cry, not laugh! A good solution would be to use MS Word for your note. That way you can use spellcheck, and also ask that annoying bastard, the MS Word paperclip, for help on writing it and/or your act of self pwn.

[edit] Did You Jump or Were You Pushed?

If you particularly hate your family, why not spend the months leading up to your death looking shifty and uncomfortable whenever you're outdoors and leaving cryptic answer phone messages about being pursued? Also try paying off a stranger to phone up your family pretending to be a guy called "Vinny" who is "looking for da money".

When you top yourself - preferably by falling off a bridge or, if you're particularly limber, shooting yourself in the back - you'll be leaving behind a world of confusion, regret and terror for those who survive you. Unless they hate you as much as you hate them, of course! Which would be pretty understandable, given the circumstances.

When using this method, it is better to leave out the suicide note - or use one printed from an untraceable computer (especially if you put some uncharacteristic typos or turns of phrase in there).

Also, if you wear glasses, remember to keep them on when you jump to throw off any CSI watchers. And remember, you can't be prosecuted for wasting police time if you're dead!

Alternately: If you really want to make suffer, skip the above advice, go ahead and write a suicide note, but write in it that they drove you to do it. Once the media get ahold of the story, they (your intended victims, not the media) will be demonized by both the public and your next of kin for the rest of their lives, not to mention the guilt they'll have to live with. I think we can all agree that's worse than a lifetime of prison rape.

[edit] Be a Movie Star!

Way 1.

If you're going to die, why not apply to appear in a snuff movie? These are pornographic movies where the star is tortured and killed for the kicks of others. Sure, your death will be horrendous - but you'll be dead either way, and you might as well give something back to the community. God knows you did nothing worthwhile when you were alive. Additionally, why not arrange for the movie to be shown at your funeral? It'll be a talking point for years to come, particularly in therapy sessions.

Way 2.

Right before you kill yourself, post a video on Youtube saying you're killing yourself and why. Also reveal your name; most likely you'll become famous and Encyclopedia Dramatica will post the video here for the lulz. Also, if you're upset because of an article about you here on ED, please mention that in your video so it will raise our ratings.

[edit] Cultural Suicide

Different cultures have very different forms of suicide from our western culture.

• Azns perform hara-kiri
• Muslims strap bombs to themselves
• Emos post suicide notes on myspace and die in public bathrooms
• Junkies OD on needle drugs while setting high scores for Dance Dance Revolution

[edit] People Who Should Commit Suicide

• Seth MacFarlane
• Guy Chapman
• Guruubii
• Sceptre
• Perez Hilton
• Phaedriel (actually, she will)
• Fred Bauder
• BLARGH
• Ann Coulter
• Cyde
• Zeriara
• Zombies
• Corinna Fugate
• Trey Parker
• Matt Stone
• Miley Cyrus
• You
• Your Mom

[edit] Related Articles

• Pete Doherty
• Budd Dwyer
• Cutting
• Self injury
• BCO
• Real death
• Pseudocide
• Mwells
• Self pwn
• Suicide bombers
• Shotgun mouthwash
• Almostanhero
• Tumbles the Stairdragon
• Confession
• miss aveline
• Broady Paul Ledet
• God of War
• An Hero
• Dr Kevorkian
• Eric Wertz

[edit] External Links

• Seppuku: the perfect way to end a difficult day at the office
• The Church of Euthanasia FAQ
• Suicide.com. It's your choice.
• Kids in the Hall suicide sketch transcript
• Brandon "i told u i was hardcore" Vedas
• Brandon Vedas' last night in IRL, a transcript
• Maddox's guide to 'manly suicides'
• A Practical Guide to Suicide made by Satanists
• Budd Dwyer blows his own fucking head off, on live tv.
• Good book with tons of methods in detail on how to kill yourself.
• This year's Little Black Shroud: Suicide by Charcoal Bricks
• In-depth guide to becoming an hero. Complete with LD-50s on everything!
• Moar tips
• How to make out with a big rig.