Chuck Norris

From Encyclopedia Dramatica

NB: Adding Chuck Norris Facts anywhere in ED is a bannable offense.

A Chuck Norris fact from 1986. Yeah, it's old meme.

Charles Norris is a rather boring karate champion, hairy bear, and star of Walker, Texas Ranger. Norris is also indirectly responsible for an old internet meme, and is a hero to many jock college students who haven't realized that their Chuck Norris jokes have never been humorous. He also supported obese nutjob Mike Huckabee in the 2008 presidential election.

Acting Career

For your enjoyment, we've provided a comprehensive look at Chuck Norris' film career in the 6 second clip below.

Chuck vs Stare Cat vs Bruce Lee.

With nothing more than his bare hands and keen intellect, Chuck Norris has killed, maimed, and brutalized hundreds of Hollywood careers. After his fight scene with Chuck Norris, martial arts legend Bruce Lee died. Jonathan Brandis, who starred in Norris' Sidekicks, was reduced to acting opposite a talking dolphin and became an hero when he was cut from Hart's War.

Chuck Norris Facts: The Old, Dead, Unfunny Meme

Chuck Norris Facts is a prototypical old meme that most people grudgingly like. Since Norris' old movies are based on the premise that he has a superhuman ability to kick dirty foreigner ass, the Facts exaggerate these lofty abilities to epic proportions. Years ago, there was a time everybody enjoyed Chuck Norris jokes. Me, you and even ED itself. And as we look back on those times, we realize we were fucking retarded for ever doing so.

Chuck Norris' article at TOW once had the following trivia:

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he's never cried. Ever.
Evolution is a lie, there's just a list of animals Chuck Norris allowed to live.

These facts were removed because the editor failed to cite his sources. As time went on, skeptical fucktards began adding fictional "Chuck Norris Facts" to their own lists, joined by bored housewives and sports fans that embraced this new and unfunny meme.

If you were expecting this article to be filled with Chuck Norris jokes, too fucking bad. If you really need to find some, just search The Google. Or kill yourself. Google can help you find advice on doing that, too.

Obligatory Examples

Chuck Norris doesn't have a chin underneath his beard; just a giant pussy.
Before the boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks his closet to make sure Chuck Norris folded all the clothes correctly.
Chuck Norris won't suck your dick for money; he will gladly do it for free.
Chuck Norris doesn't do push-ups; he's too old.
Chuck Norris ruins every party he goes to because he is a born again Christian fundie.
When Chuck Norris endorses a presidential candidate, it's Mike Huckabee.
Evolution is a lie; there's just a list of animals Chuck Norris believes were created by our Lord God Almighty.
Chuck Norris once told Chuck Norris a Chuck Norris joke. But Chuck Norris didn't laugh. Because Chuck Norris jokes aren't funny.

Bruce Lee could kick Chuck Norris' ass.

Chuck Norris has a lawyer and is suing Penguin

Chuck Norris, understandably annoyed at being the subject of an unfunny meme, has hired an IRL lawyer and is suing publisher Penguin over a book they have published based on the meme.[1]

Chuck Norris "Facts"

“	Here's what I really think about the theory of evolution: It's not real. It is not the way we got here. In fact, the life you see on this planet is really just a list of creatures god has allowed to live. We are not creations of random chance. We are not accidents. There is a god, a creator, who made you and me. We were made in his image, which separates us from all other creatures.	„
—Chuck Norris, refusing to reveal the species he will kill off next (furries).

“	There was a man whose tears could cure cancer or any other disease, including the real cause of all diseases – sin. His blood did. His name was Jesus, not Chuck Norris. If your soul needs healing, the prescription you need is not Chuck Norris' tears, it's Jesus' blood.	„
—Chuck Norris, refusing to cry for cancer patients.

Chuck Norris Shits on the Constitution

Chuck Norris knows whats best for young school children.

Moar Chuck Norris "Facts"

Chuck Norris almost turned down the offer to make a cameo in the movie "Dodgeball" on the grounds that he doesn't like to dodge balls—he prefers to have them resting on his chin.

When Chuck Norris has sex with men, it's not because he ran out of women, but because women couldn't find his penis when he wanted to have sex with them.

Chuck Norris says "I am... I mean, you are what you eat, dick."

Chuck Norris called "all-time crush" on Leif Garrett.

Chuck Norris beats off to "Pretty in Pink" three times a day with a wax figure of Andrew McCarthy lodged in his ass.

Chuck Norris's shit is already packed.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk, and prance around like a homo.

Chuck Norris once stuck his cock up a man's nose, then accidentally into his ear, then back into his nose.

Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills and merely blinked because the gay porn he was watching was too exciting to sleep through.

Chuck Norris is so gay that when he goes to the donkey show, he gets jealous of the woman.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of showing everyone how loose his asshole is.

In a recent poll, Chuck Norris beat the Hamburglar as the "World's Biggest Ass Bandit."

Chuck Norris and Michael Jackson have been known to recreate the hand-to-hand combat scenes in Star Wars using their penises as light sabers.

The Chuck Norris food pyramid consists of sperm and Haagen Dazs.

Chuck Norris thinks that hot rod races are circle jerks. Accordingly, he shows up in drag.

Freddy Mercury wrote "Fat Bottomed Girls" after a passionate night with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris loves hemorrhoids. He calls them "speed bumps."

Chuck Norris likes to get a good night's sleep...with as many men as possible.

Chuck Norris once decided to donate sperm, but Heath Ledger refused to take it.

Chuck Norris’ farts smell like Vaseline.

Chuck Norris has never ridden a bull as hard as he has ridden a cock.

There once was a man from Nantucket, His dick was so long he could suck it, He said with a grin, As he tickled his chin, If my ass was a pussy Chuck Norris would fuck it.

Jonathan Ned Katz wanted Chuck Norris to use a condom, but he used a water balloon instead.

Chuck Norris' burps smell like semen.

Chuck Norris impaled the man from Nantucket with his own penis just to hold the title "Most Dicks Sucked...EVER!"

One time, while watching gay porn, Chuck Norris swallowed his remote control because he thought it would feel good on the way out.

Chuck Norris is the Rump Ranger.

Chuck Norris started the "Chuck Norris Facts" in hopes of finding a new love. Upon finding out the majority of fans using the facts were guys, Chuck Norris wept with joy.

Chuck Norris will ram his rod straight down the throat of anyone who calls him gay. He's just funny like that.

After a night of passionate love with Tony Danza, Chuck Norris took the morning after pill, fearing an unwanted pregnancy.

Chuck Norris' milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.

Chuck Norris' farts are silent and deadly. Deadly because he's Chuck Norris, silent because his butthole is extremely loose.

Brad Pitt adopted one of Chuck Norris' children, and Chuck Norris still won't marry him.

Chuck Norris would go straight if he could fuck Rosie O'Donnell. Too bad she is holding out to go straight for Tom Cruise, who is holding out to go gay for Heath Ledger.

When the boogie man goes to sleep, he looks in his closet for Chuck Norris. Chuck's ass is still sore from the last time he was found.

Chuck Norris is from Texas. Only steers and queers come from Texas. Chuck Norris has no horns.

The chief import of Chuck Norris is cock.

Chuck Norris is wanted for raping 10 different men during last year's Carinaval celebration in Brazil. The United States has refused the Brazilian extradition request.

Chuck Norris was once arrested in a small Midwestern town for public indecency. During his four-hour stay in the local jail, he was made the bitch to a pre-op transsexual named Phil.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man it is not because he has run out of women. It is because he was born that way. It wasn't his choice.

Chuck Norris was seen running out of Jenny Craig crying because his strict diet of Tony Danza's spunk didn't work.

Chuck Norris won't suck one, but he will hold it in his mouth until it goes soft.

Chuck Norris sucks dick for cab fare and then walks home.

If Chuck Norris were gay, his name would be... oh wait.

Chuck Norris checks his closet for Michael Jackson before he goes to bed. He is disappointed when he doesn't find him.

Chuck Norris was approached by Mattel to market his controversial Homo Kung Fu Doll. However, the test market in San Francisco found it too gay and went with the Ru Paul Line instead. They kept the Kung Fu grip.

Chuck Norris once was at the theater watching Crossroads, when someone spotted him sending the following text message to someone: "Count me in on the gay clown orgy."

Chuck Norris always insists that he's joking when he sniggers in his camp voice, "I'm going outside to have a fag, and then I'm going to have a cigarette." But we all know he's not joking.

Chuck Norris can suck the AIDS virus right out of a grown man's cock, then spit it into a bottle for research.

Chuck Norris once walked into a gay bar because he wanted to. Another time, he walked into another gay bar. Now, it is a weekly habit.

Chuck Norris scored an 8 on the “Are you a good boyfriend” quiz in Cosmo.

Richard Simmons once told Chuck Norris to quit acting like such a fag.

The origin of the name “Norris” is actually French. The translation of the word “Chuck” means homosexual.

Chuck Norris' pubes cover the head of Carrot Top.

Chuck Norris once had an affair with Ralph Macchio on the set of The Karate Kid.