Car
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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Cars transport people from point A to point B and on weekends to point C.
They are also used to run over schoolchildren and other small mammals, as mobile venues for buttsechs, and as ostentatious symbols of wealth that may or may not be financed through a bank. They are the number one source of polluting the air and eating up natural resources, which is pretty awesome for pissing off Greenies. Cars are the leading cause of death for Rob Levin.
Cars also provide protection against lions.
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Cars as Mechanisms of Compensation
Some argue the size of a man's can be determined by the expense of his car. It is an inverse relationship, with a more expensive car indicating a smaller . The following formula can be used:
p = 1/c
Where p is the size in inches, and c is the cost of the car in thousands of dollars.
So, for example, someone with a $200,000 car would have a size of 1/200th of an inch.
However, there is an inherent flaw in this formula; a Chevy Suburban only costs about $35,000 but the men who buy large trucks like them have massive compensation complexes. While the owner of a $200,000 sports car is most likely only trying to compensate for his sexual prowess, the owners of these ridiculously large trucks are not only trying to compensate for his fail cock, but also overall masculinity.
Additionally, one can purchase a used 1990 Ford Festiva for about $500 off of craigslist. The only sort of person who would even consider such a vehicle would be mentally deficient and sexually dysfunctional. Bragging about your $500 Festiva, Chevette, or Geo will not make people think you have a large .
Cars by Country
American cars
Historically known for their utter shit quality, looks, performance and safety, American cars as of the 21st century are making huge changes (IE: Consulting with the Europeans) to provide a quality vehicle. Good examples of this:
- 2010 Ford Taurus
- 2010 Ford Fiesta
- 2009 Cadillac CTS-V
Some argue that America has been making quality cars all along, but they are just dull as ice. The Saturn S-Series, Chevy Cobalt, Dodge Neon are but a few cars that are just that: Basic transit at a low cost.(But still shit)
Australian cars
AU hasn't quite gotten the message from the US: Big, overpowered RWD sedans with very little sophistication are old news. Aussies must be given credit where credit is due however, as they did take half of a sedan and glue it to a truck bed, calling it a 'ute'.
British cars
Aston Martin, Jaguar, Caterham, and the BMW-owned Mini are the pinnacle of British motoring. However, it must be noted that the Morgan AeroMax (Seen at right) still contains something from the 1300s: a wood-beam ceiling. Though if we look into times past (British Leyland-era), most British cars were as appealing and well-made as the current United States line-up. Then again, Vauxhall is pretty much the same thing as Chevy, and they're twice as shit.
Canadian cars
Even though the Canucks have Bombardier that makes planes, trains, and snowmobiles, there is no such thing as a Car that they can call their own.
Chinese Cars
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Egyptian cars
Take a 1970s Italian compact sedan, let the Russians improve it for 25 years and then let the Egyptians build it. You know, I've never had a joke write itself before..
French cars
Small, cheap, easily made, global platforms. Those are some terms used to describe French cars, like the Citroen and Peugeot lines.
German cars
They cost a shit load of money and are not worth it. However, you do get the satisfaction of looking cool and driving a car built with the blood and tears of a million Jews. The Germans always make good stuff, and are always looking for the most insane number of horsepower and top speed to shove into their $2,000,000 FWD RWD (always RWD!) hatchbacks coupes (only VW makes FWD hatchbacks, which also happen to be cheap and slow, thereby failing at all 4 rules of Being a German Car).
- Only 1337 people drive them.
- That nerd in high school you beat the living shit out of on more than one occasion? He has five of them.
- They give American cars a run for their money in falling apart. Generally, by catching up 10-15 years later.
Italian cars
Devilishly handsome good looks, speed, power and a fantastic noise; though they're almost certainly going to break before you get them off the dealer's lot. Alfa Romeo and the Ferrari Daytona are good examples of "shoddy craftsmanship". Fiat however must be noted as one that fails to learn from history, as it is currently in talks with the American Chrysler Corp and the European Opel (Which owns Vauxhall and is owned by General Motors) to BUY THEM OUTRIGHT. Fiat would single-handedly dominate the world market by the purchase of two near-defunct companies. No estimated values have been placed on the talks, though some argue it's upwards of $3.3 Billion USD.
Japanese Cars
Azns drive these, but only after painting them neon yellow, gluing on plastic body kits, and slapping a sticker with some moonspeak symbol on the hood. Asian drivers constitute the only group of people who defy the above compensation equations, etc., etc., and the joke writes itself. They are cheap, slow, and overrated.
Korean and Malaysian cars
Cheap does not equal cheerful here. They're shoddy, they wouldn't last as long as an Alfa Romeo 147 and they're painstakingly slow. The only benefit of owning a Korean or Malaysian car is the bottom line cost - they're cheaper than a pair of socks.
Russian cars
Gaz, Zaz, Yaz, anything ending in an -az noise will almost certainly be shit.
Spanish cars
Since Seat is owned by VW, no Spanish car exists. It's German.
Swedish cars
Aside from Saab and Volvo, they're impossible to spell but mindfuckingly fast. Typical Swedish car features include:
- Dihedral Synchro-Helix Doors
- Auto-stopping
- Free Royksopp CD
Types of Cars
Sedans
Everyone and their mom owns a sedan. Sedans are four doors with a trunk. They can be expensive, or cheap, or slow or fast, but they all have some things in common: they're more fucking boring than a sports car, less useful than a hatchback, and end up being worth less than a convertible when you go to sell it. Basically, the perfect car for the pathetic failure which is you. Sedans can be fun, they can look good, but they're the most common vehicle on the road.
Hatchbacks/Station Wagons
Hatchbacks are favored by Europeans, liberals, and vegetarians, who like the fact that the back seats fold down to allow for lots of gay, pedophiliac sex and drug use. They also love that their hatchbacks get 500 kilometers to the liter, since they're all treehugging leftards, and to maximize this economy, they drive ploddingly slow. Ironically, this causes everyone else on the road, in less efficient cars, to accelerate hard to get around them, thus negating any overall fuel efficiency. Station wagons were popular back in the good old days when people fucked like jackrabbits and had shitloads of kids. Thus, a large ass vehicle with a small block V8 was required to haul them around, after folding metal chairs were added, of course. Nowadays, 'wagons' are built mainly for single metrosexuals, and come with four cylinder engines.
Convertibles
Convertibles are for the person who likes to show off his money. Most convertibles are purchased by old, sexually-insecure balding men or raging Homosexuals(Case in point,the Mazda Miata or the VW New Beetle) . They're stylish to be seen in, but you're not stylish if you own one.
Sports Cars
Sports cars are primarily intended for people who wish that they were race car drivers but aren't actually skilled enough to drive a race car. Despite this, most sports cars get purchased by people who don't actually care about driving, but want to look like they spent a lot of money on their car, most commonly occurs with BMW M// Cars, the Mitsubishi EVO series and of course, the Ford Mustang.
Coupes
Coupes are cars for people who got to the dealership and had a big "wat" appear over their heads. They couldn't get a sedan because it was too boring, they couldn't afford a sports car, they thought that hatchbacks were too Eurotrashy, and convertibles were too gay, so they just got a two-door sedan. Coupes are basically the median point of the automotive world, and overall more desirable due to their sporty appearance. It should be said though, that a coupe has most of the same mechanical components from a boring sedan, and thus it will not always perform as good as it looks. Vehicles that have disproven this however include the 1990's Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme, the 2nd Generation Saturn SC* and the always awesome Toyota AE86 Corolla.
Vans
Vans come in two sizes: "mini" (your average American family; 3 kids and a dog) and "full-sized" (12 seats - great for the average Christian American family). Minivans are popular among moms who don't want to look like MILFs, and among Christian families who like to engage in family sing alongs on their way to church. Full-sized vans are also popular among - surprise! - pedophiles, the FBI and of course, plumbers. Vans will always have at least one insane person inside, with more insane people likely in the back.
SUV's
An SUV, or "Soft Utilitarian Vehicle", is a large boxy vehicle driven most commonly by rich, white-collar business criminals and Botox-filled Soccer Moms in the Suburban Sprawl. With their large V8 engines and all wheel drive, most would agree that these vehicles are best suited towards outdoorsy activities, like trailing, towing a boat or similar; however they are most commonly found at your local Wal-Mart in the handicapped parking space, loading up on bulk Chef Boyardee, fryer grease and of course, cheap LCD TVs. The average McFatty Americunt finances their $52,000 "luxury" through a bank, and thus it is not even owned by them. Famous SUVs include the Cadillac Escalade, Range Rover Sport HSE and of course, the Ford Explorerloder.
Pickup Trucks
The Pickup, or as 'murricans say, Truck, is an extremely inefficient, large, bulky vehicle that is ultimately an SUV with a separate, uncovered storage compartment behind the second row of seats. Pickup Trucks are most commonly sold in America, in developing nations, and in Australia called Utes[Disputed]. Their primary function is to carry large, bulky objects; such as tools for building, fixing and mending and thus are desired mainly by the working class; ie: Mexicans, day laborers, and contractors. They were designed to be rugged, and were for many years, until SUVs came into the world.
The Pickup Truck became quite the pinnacle of luxury in the mid 2000s, when Cadillac released the Escalade EXT, a Chevy Avalanche styled to look like a standard Escalade. At a sale price of $68,000, the EXT was found in every episode of MTV's "Cribs" and was perhaps arguably the most ostentatious failure ever.
Electric/Hybrid Cars
Electric vehicles, or EVs are vehicles that have no internal combustion engine. They more than likely require nothing more than good old electricity and have a metric ton of batteries inside of them. The most common on planet Earth; the Reva G-Wiz i, has the top speed of 30mp/h and can only go 40 miles or so on a full charge. They're expensive to run, and if you run out of power it takes between 8-12 hours to recharge. More often than not they're also unsafe, ugly, and simply dreadful to own. However, Tesla is certainly changing things up in California; basing their first creation, the Tesla Roadster off of a Louts Elise, and giving it power to run faster than one.
Hybrid Cars are a bit of a different story. Sure they've got the electric power to get you going, but they've also got a normal gasoline/diesel/biofuel engine to boot, giving you power and economy. This idea was perpetuated in the late 90s by Toyota, with their offering of the Prius. At the time there wasn't much efficiency to it, but in 2002 things changed and Prius II came along, and showed Greenpeace that hybrids were indeed cool. The Bush Crisis in Iraq happened, and the Prius was suddenly viewed more valuable than gold, alcohol, drugs and virginity all in one sitting. People in other offices caught word and Ford put out it's two options, the SUV Escape and the ever-fun Fusion; both hybrids. Chrysler tried miserably and failed with it's only offering, a mild-hybrid extra large luxury SUV, the Aspen Hybrid. The General tried it's best with some mild-hybrid SUVs, and gave Saturn, it's yuppie division, a hybrid sedan and compact SUVs; both were just renamed European models. The hybrid wars wage on, with Government Motors launching it's electric-driven hybrid, the Chevy Volt in 2010, and Honda has begun to launch the Insight2.0 in 'murrica. Steer clear. Luxury companies like Lexus, Mercedes-Benz and BMW have their own ranges of hybrid vehicles, but again, steer clear. Hybrids are best suited towards a lot of stop and start city driving, and are not truly useful on highways.
Luxury Cars
Luxury is a mindset, and if your mind is fixated on caviar, dripping jewels and super models, you can't NOT be seen in a luxury car. Names like Mercedes-Benz, Bentley, Rolls-Royce, Cadillac, Lincoln, Lexus, and Infinity define the luxury world. Others include BMW, Audi and of course, Alfa-Romeo. Beauty, safety and convenience are things a luxury car are never without, as most can rub your balls with the push of a button. They're extremely expensive and have a lot of really unique features, always trimmed in wood, dead cow and fluffy carpets. There is a luxury hierarchy that must be followed, and it's proportionate to the window sticker's price tag. The more you spend, the more luxury you get, or so they make you think. Cars like the Lexus RX series; a largely popular oversized and underpowered station wagon, are not truly luxurious, as their brand and high price suggest.
Tanks
Tanks are used to blow up indigenous villages and run over Chinese people when they get out of line.
- Excellent for playing "war".
- You need to get one.
- Use your tank to line up Palestinian protesters and run them over.
- DO IT NOW.
Driving Your Car
On Road Courtesy
Although Britney Spears would have you believe otherwise, shaving your head does not allow you to attempt to run over people, even if they are paparazzi with no souls. Although tempting, it is illegal to use your car to hit pedestrians. The reason for this is you may incur expensive panel damage to your car.
Once behind the wheel of a car, it is important to be courteous to other motorists. To avoid slowing traffic down and creating an accident, you should change lanes quickly and without looking or indicating. In fact the quicker you change lanes the better, ideally you should aim to change lanes so fast that the passengers in your car are unaware that it has happened. To do this effectively you should offer no warning and do no checks before violently snapping the steering wheel in the direction you want to go and snapping it back to level up, after this just act casual. If the car behind is upset with you apologise by giving them the (highway code approved) drivers sign. Open the window and hold up your fist with your middle finger showing. Then repeatedly slam on the brakes to indicate that you are sorry.
Car Features
If your car has been purchased within the last few years it may come with a variety of modern innovative features.
- Windows, where installed, are necessary to allow your passengers to easily bark at pedestrians for the lulz.
- Race Signals, usually incorrectly called "Hazard Lights", are installed so you can communicate your intention to race a fellow motorist in a "Random Battle".
- Indicators are fitted to both sides of your car, so that you are able to confuse fellow motorists, thus creating an opportunity to change lanes.
- A stereo system may come fitted to allow you to draw attention to the fact that you like Drum N Bass
- A handbrake is commonly misused as a "Parking Brake", but its real purpose is to allow a skilled driver to Drift
Transmission
Ability to operate a manual transmission or Tranny as they are affectionately known, is one of the key reasons men have larger brains larger and better brains than women. It should be noted that most Americunts CANNOT use cars that have manual transmissions, as it is beyond their brain capacity to push down with one foot while simultaniously moving a gear stick at the same time.
How To Drive A Manual Transmission
1. Wait For Traffic Light To Turn to green.
2. Depress clutch and shift into first gear.
3. Push accelerator completely in, and hold at maximum engine revs so VTEC KICKS IN!!11!
4. Release handbrake and clutch.
5. Troll other motorists for lulz with your tire smoke.
6. Piss off Al Gore with your tyre smoke.
7. Win
How To Drive An Automatic Transmission
- 1. Turn on car
- 2. Put into gear
- 3. Get to destination feeling relaxed and pampered
- 4. Put in park
- 5. Turn off car, and look smug.
- 6. Incur massive repair expenses.
Stupid fucking faggot teaches you how to drive
See Also
- Covini C6W
- Pimp My Ride
- Grand Theft Auto
- H-wing
- The Batmobile
- VTEC Just Kicked In Yo
- Ferrari Guy
- JESUS CHRIST IT'S A LION GET IN THE CAR!
- Ricers
- F40PH
- Airplane
- Motorcycle
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