Call of Duty 4

From Encyclopedia Dramatica

This page contains spoilers — Important plot secrets and/or conclusions may be revealed. For example,
HOLY SHIT JACKSON AND THE MARINES GET NUKED TO HELL, GAZ AND GRIGGS GET KILLED IN THE LAST LEVEL AND PRICE's FATE IS UNKNOWN!!!1

Cock of Doody Porn: Grenade Whorefare (moar liek Call of JEWty, amirite?) is a first person shooter war simulation that has been hailed one of the most realistic war shooters ever.

The realism even extends to:

Firing the Desert Eagle at speeds that could break your arm off, and shove it up your fat arsehole.
Running while firing the Barrett .50cal.
Dogs taking a 5.56 round to the skull and getting up as if you had only nudged them.
Taking down a helicopter with a 9mm pistol.
Killing someone by throwing a flashbang at them that hits them.
"Perks" that give the player special abilities. Such as shitting out a grenade when you just got buttraped.
Taking several rounds to the face, ducking for ten seconds, and coming back up unharmed, or taking one 9mm round to the foot and dying in Hardcore mode. Either way, it's shit - Trufax
Respawning helicopter gunners and invincible pilots.
Rabid dogs falling from the ceiling.
Unusually large amount of gore.
Magic helicopter deflection shields that can block Stinger missiles.
Enemies calling in backup units out of brick walls.
Lots of grenades - just like in a real war!
Campers that sit in building all day secretly raping each other in the corner.
A dozen guys taking on every known Communist in the world... and winning.
defying gravity by walking in mid air on the map called Crossfire
Killing your self and others by throwing a grenade at th3ir chest. Thats some realistic Shit Nigra.
AI that is plain shit only shooting and not doing any kind of real tactics besides you!

As you can tell, the folks at Infinity... (umm...Whored? Yeah, that's a good one. Infinity Whored.) must have put hundreds of hours of work into making only the most top quality and long-lasting game they could. So what do you get for your $60? Four gut-bustingly hilarious hours of watching yourself try to scramble over objects that are only three feet high and failing miserably. When you get to the end, it's a rip-snorting good time as you shoot at Russians from the back of a truck while speeding along the highway at 80 miles an hour.

What? It's an action-packed game, it doesn't have time to ~~make sense~~ be even remotely playable!

Story

Infinity Whored decided to take a different step into a actual story line rather than random warfare. They start the game off with getting the player familiar with the British soldiers first, going through training. Player switches identities between Soap Mactavish ( Apparently a Muppet who somehow passed inspection) and Paul Jackson (who noone cares about cause he gets fucking pwned by a nuke). The actual game (not the bullshit training) starts in a boat in the middle of the ocean. You assault it, and shit goes wrong, and as Call of Duty, they have to make some kind of epic ending to the first mission.

The game continues going on, fighting between sand niggers and Communists. Your given a pointless mission, you complete it, and life goes on. Towards the end of the game, they decided to add some kinda climatic ending, by the commies sending nuclear warheads to America. Then Infinity decides to really rush the character to the end of the detonation, and the finale starts. Soap gets on a super epic truck shoot out (much like a rip of time zone) all the way to the end. Dumbass truck drivers didn't see that the hide didn't actually bug off, but was going to shoot out the bridge. There's another one of the hundreds of shootouts and your character is downed.

The nigger drags you from cover into the cross fire, and he ends up being the first one to get shot (not unusual). After that, you lie on the ground watching your fellow squad get fucked in the ass by the commies/Arab team up. As your bleeding out, you fire your semi-automatic pistol at the Arab/commie gimp, and the game ends in the most anti-climatic way possible.

Characters

"Soap Mactavish" - A homosexual member of the S.A.S. (Shit Air Service) who serves Captain Price as a sex slave and personal assistant. Some of his common duties are getting Price tea and sucking his cock.

Theories why he is called Soap:

1. He is a Muppet who somehow passed inspection.

2. He smells good.

3. He always drops the soap when showering with the other men.

"Captain Price" - Another homosexual who is fond of BDSM. He has a secret crush on Captain Macmillan.

"Paul Jackson" - Some Marine whom nobody cares about because he is half nigga half jewish. Gets nuked halfway through the game.

Paul Jackson

"Captain Macmillan" - UNDOUBTEDLY THE GREATEST VIDEO GAME CHARACTER EVER. SPEAKS WITH AN AWESOME SCOTTISH ACCENT.

EVEN MOAR PROOF

Captain Macmillan Facts

1. Is God.

2. Could actually take on all the dogs on his own but was afraid Price would die.

3. His dick is a .50 caliber sniper rifle.

"Lt. Vasquez" - Spic leader of Jackson. Also gets nuked halfway through the game, but magically survived it.

Multiplayer

Despite being a laggy piece of shit, the game has been played by over ten million people. The game has every twelve-year-old Korean and his dog by the balls, rabidly clinging to their controllers as they blast their 9,001th sand nigger. Gameplay consists of either Russians shooting Britfags or Arabs shooting Americunts. This makes it the perfect game for 13-year-old boys all around the world. For extra fun and lulz, just join those 50 player matches in the PC version and just try to play. You'll get so fed up with the spammy 'nading bullshit that you'll just want to anhero.

Another advantage/disadvantage to the game (depending on your sexual preferences) is that in a game of 20 players it has been proven that at least 16/20 players are Polish children under the age of 4 whose balls are so undropped that they are actually inside their own guts. You can also troll bitchy Jewish 15 year-olds with prostitute moms, who's only games are Call of Duty 4 and 5 and the rest are rented so they can achievement whore and look like they have a large game list.

Server

Some /b/tard made a server called 4chan /b/ on CoD4. It is usually empty and made of fail and AIDS.

Perks

Call of Duty 4 uses an advanced perk/leveling system that is simplified into "you killed me with x perk, x perk is for n00bs" by the faggots that play this game.

Weapons - The developers, in their infinite wisdom, decided to make all the weapons you start with overpowered as all fuck compared to the weapons you actually unlock later by leveling up. The first assault rifle available to you is the M16, which, in the game, is a lot like having a shotgun that doesn't get weaker at all at long range. Meanwhile, the last sniper rifle you unlock is the Barrett .50 cal, which shoots bullets half the size of a human forearm, and would create the most epic bullet wound or tear a limb off if it so much as grazed you IRL, yet will rarely kill people in one shot in the game. The only good gun that is available late in this leveling bullshit is the P90, but it's totally for noobs. God forbid someone should use something that's featured in the game, amirite?

Complete Perk List:

Set 1: Support Weapon Perks

C4 - Throwable pack of clay that explodes which can you see from far away because of the fucking blinking light.

Claymore - Campers heaven, explosives which are damn near impossible to spot until you trigger them.

RPG - Worse than the noobtube. It is so modern, that the rockets don't even fly straight. Only two rockets, used by sand niggers. Excellent for teamkilling.

3x Special Grenades - You have to throw these everywhere so that you can stun/blind enemies that aren't even there. No smokes though because that would be just plain silly. These are effective in blinding your enemy to keep them from 'nade spamming.

Bandolier - Useless perk, Convinces to send your soldier off with the regular amount of ammo that they should have anyways. - HAAAY GAIIIS I HAVE EXTRA AMMO BUT I'M STILL GONNA DIE BEFORE I EVEN USE HALF OF IT ANYWAY@!!1!!

3x Frag - Randomly throw 'nades everywhere since you might get a kill sometime.

Bomb Squad - Another useless perk. By the time you see the symbol that a claymore/C4 is there, you're already dead from its explosion.

Set 2: "Perks to extend your life" Perks.

Stopping Power - This perk is by far the most common, as it is the only perk that actually has any use. You will find that 98.7% of players have this perk while bitching about people who use Juggernaut. Even though both perks cancel each other out, and Stopping Power invariably kills you before you know you're being shot at. Anyone with critical thinking and reasoning skills superior to those of a house cat can see the irony here, but that's sadly far too much to ask of your average CoD4 cockfag.

Juggernaut - ~~Increases your health~~A health hack that angers veterans who expect players to drop after four shots. Makes you cool. USE IT MOAR !!!! (Note that if even one person on your team uses this, the entire opposing team can call all of you Juggernaut noobs/Jugga-Noobs.)

Sonic Boom - Converts your grenades into thermonuclear warheads. ~~By far the most popular perk~~.

Sleight of Hand - This perk converts your character into a tweaker, allowing you to reload at extremely ridiculous speeds. This perk is useful when you are using a light machine guns; spamming the shots everywhere.

Double Tap - Shoot twice as fast. Makes ass-sucking weapons not as ass-sucky.

Overkill - Another intelligence increasing perk that convinces your soldier that another primary weapon is better than a pistol (though being a CoD4 soldier, you leave the pistol in the locker room).

UAV Jammer - Summons a magician who renders you invisible on enemy radar; only for noobs.

Set 3: 'Those annoying perks designed to get cheap kills' Perks

Extreme Conditioning - Uses steroids to keep a soldier running for more than five steps cause we all know military fighters are not in the greatest shape.

Deep Impact - Allows for further penetration. There's no female soldiers in CoD4, only men, making this perk pretty gay.

Steady Aim - Helps you prevent shooting like a handicapped child from the hip.

Last Stand - Allows you to pistol-own people before dying and you can even stab someone in the shin (killing him instantly) and gain temporary invincibility while you switch from standing to Last Stand mode. This transition period often causes an enemy to run out of bullets and reload.

Martyrdom - Shit out a cooked 'nade when owned by someone else's 'nade. Highly recommended for pissing off veterans (and pretty much everyone else). This perk alone makes CoD4 better than most other online FPS games because if that douche prepubescent 12 year old fag tries to t-bag you he gets a shitload of shrapnel blown up his ass. More lulz when teamkilling is enabled, and for added lulz combine with being an obnoxious n00b tuber (which leads to more incessant whining.)

Iron Lungs - Transforms your body into an Autobot so you no longer breathe, lets you snipe-own all those kids with human lungs.

Dead Silence - Instantly kills you so you make no more noises.

Eavesdrop - Incredibly useless perk that lets you listen to the productive and team focused chatter of the enemy. Otherwise, the bulk of players are witty, articulated individuals (WOULD HAVE BEEN A LOT MORE USEFUL IN GAMES LIKE TF2, YOU DUMBASSES).

Leveling Up

Prestiging for dumbasses.

The fantards' main attraction to this ass-vomit inducing game is the inclusion of the ability to "level up" your character as you ethnically cleanse more and more people with the gall to have differently colored skin. If you hadn't already guessed, this is merely the developers blatantly cashing in on the latest craze sweeping the world. With the promise of moar levels if they just keep going a little longer, the average player's brain is no match for the immense allure of this game's multiplayer mode.

When the player finally manages to make it to level 55 they are given the option to do it all again for a shiny little icon! This is called prestiging and is one of the main attraction to the game because you can never reach the final level. While most people are under the delusion that a prestige icon shows how much skill you have in reality they show how much of a life you have.

Just remember to keep leveling up on those prestiges, cos who really doesn't want to lose all of their weaponry? Plus when you get to level 55 you get the coveted GOLDEN DESERT EAGLE!!!1! A.K.A Shiny shitty pistol...

Players

Be warned, skilled players: you may well find yourself winning matches constantly even though you're tons of levels lower than the players you're trampling. Only people who ~~have~~ suck fucking balls play Hardcore chmodes~~, the other "regular" AKA "pussy" gamemodes are just too keep fags out of Hardcore~~ in summation, playing in a mode called "hardcore" makes you feel better about yourself as a "PR0" even though it sucks and so do You.

Everyone knows that you cannot be "good" at cock-a-doody because the game basically plays itself and no matter how much better you get you will still be constantly killed by 12-year-old, prepubescent fags devoid of any sense of direction or any idea what the fuck is going on.

You, after playing this game.

The types of people you will find on CoD4 include:

Niggers: Only play Free-For-All because their barbaric run-and-gun tactics have no place in a game that requires some amount of communication and teamwork. Naturally, they freak the fuck out over snipers, because such a legitimate tactic is clearly for pussies. Also, they all have OBMA as their clan tag, even though the election's been over for ~~weeks~~ months now. Also they like to use the noob tube a lot since it requires no skill and is similar to raping white girls in IRL.

Girls: Quite the rarity, as there are no girls on the internet. The handful you will find on CoD4 all smoke weed, as evidenced by their usernames which often combine something feminine with a 420 reference. Usually they denote that they are girls by their clantag, screenname, or annoying voice. One's gender has no relevance in gameplay and girls only show it because they are just asking for it.

Britfags: If you don't talk with a heavy, indecipherable British accent, then you're probably American, ~~and thus a fat idiot. End of story.~~ and thus will be yelled at in an annoying britfag voice (very often in these exact words): "SHUT UP, YOU AMERICAN BAAAUSTAARD!1!!" & if teamkill is on, will blow the fuck out of their own team with an RPG like wannabe sand niggers, amirite?

13-year-old boys: Will accuse everyone who can fire a semiautomatic weapon at a rate of more than 1 round per second of using a modded controller, which is essentially a waste of at least 100 dollars considering you can alternate your index and middle fingers on the trigger to shoot just as fast.

Elitist musical bastards: Will play their favorite song at over 9,000 decibels, hoping to start up a discussion with a fellow fan. However, the piece of shit microphone will distort the fuck out of the music, pissing everybody who doesn't know how to use the mute feature (in other words, everybody) off. Usually is a techno faggot or a nigger who plays the shittiest songs of their favorite genre.

Every douchebag and his brother who can't afford to spend more than five dollars on a router, thereby making everybody's character look like they're ice skating.

Skilled players: These types of players break into two categories. A skilled player is either complete nerdfag with no life, or it could be someone with a life that simply logs on a few times a week and dominates losers who are on their 9th prestige that play 24/7. Well, almost for 24/7. Aside from the time they are busy eating black cock helicopters up their ass after school.

Trolling Techniques

Teamkilling

This method has become a much used and otherwise fairly lulzy way to troll the nerds on Xbox Live...

For Example:

Steps to be a successful Teamkiller

Start fresh as a n00b.
Join Hardcore Search & Destroy where all the elite (high level) users play.
Make sure you have the RPG equipped. Also be sure to equip sonic boom and martyrdom for extra lulz later on.
When the match starts, whip out the RPG.
Fire it at the ground in spawn and kill everyone on your team.
Listen to reactions!
????
PROFIT!!!

Alternatively you can go to a regular hardcore match and pick just one fucking annoy 12-year-old or britfag, then kill only him.

NOOB tubing - Use it and Abuse it

Another way of trolling the shit out of those who play CoD4 24/7 is to use a noob tube. Like the AWP is for Counter-Strike the noob tube (grenade launcher) for CoD4 is exactly the same except less "skill" is needed. Use it and abuse it.

Change your perk to overkill, which gives you two primary guns.
Put two noob tubes giving you four grenade rounds.
Join a Hardcore server and only use the tubes (you will notice that on Hardcore you will immediately produce lulz).
Add martyrdom to kill random teammates nearby.
When you feel the need, kill teammates repeatedly.
????
PROFIT!!!

Clan Tag Glitch

The developers included a "clan tag" feature so you can show everyone the muhfuggaz you be rollin' with without giving the corporate bigwigs 10 fucking dollars just to change your username. Any clan tag that would offend a nun is off limits, but there is a way to get around this, provided you want to piss someone off with just three letters. All you have to do is put a backslash between any two letters in your tag. The slash will show up in pre- and post-game lobbies, but not in the middle of a game.

Mic Trolling

A good way to annoy the fuck out of people is to act like a retard. There are several different varieties of mic-trolling techniques available at your disposal;

Yell something stupid into the mic.
Put on an amusing accent or fucked voice, and continuously talk.
Talk non-stop about how you were killed by n00bz.
Get into arguments with some fat American cunts just to piss them off
Purposefully breath heavily into the mic like the fat mouth breather that you know you are.
????
PROFIT!!!

Clan Tag Stealing

This technique further proves that casual clans are serious business.

Join any game (Hardcore modes tend to work better, particularly Search & Destroy, since clanfags are under the delusion that making enemies easier to kill makes you a better player)
Check the player list for any recurring clan tags (the more a single one is repeated, the better).
Take this tag, and copy it into your own.

For some reason, the clanfaggots in question rage amazingly hard at this simple act. Prepare for all manner of messages insulting your sexual preference, and your mothers sexual relations.

Fucking Hilarious Shit

The following is a list of things you can do with your friends (provided you have some) that will completely exploit this game as the shitty pile of shit it is.

Turrets

Put on perks: stopping power, and deep impact (any first tier is fine).
Set sensitivity to 10.
Mount the nearest turret.
Using your left index finger and thumb, firmly grasp right control stick, and use right thumb to pull right trigger.
Spray the shit out of the entire level .
????
PROFIT!!!

This strategy can actually result in UP TO 3 KILLS at a time, it's that simple. Laughter can become too great while approaching the turret that you may need to calm down a little b4 attempting this (especially if you just smoked a fuck load of weed).

The G3 aka "The Gun That's Like a Sniper but More Powerful for some reason"

If or once you get the G3 rifle, make a class with the perks Stopping Power and Deep Impact. This gun will take nerds out in one shot, whether its in the face or the dick, much to their vein-popping displeasure.

Jumping Off Buildings

In the event of getting cock rash (crash).

Put on perks: sleight of hand (or stopping power), last stand, any first tier perk, and the desert eagle.
Go to the top of the big building and and wait for enemies to come from the shitty back yard place.
Jump off the building, go into last stand, and shoot as many people as you can, use the knife WHENEVER POSSIBLE, it is effective for the lulz to make competitions of this with your friends ~~(if you have any).~~ DISREGARD THAT I SUCK COCKS!!! YOU DON'T HAVE ANY!!1!!
(Optional) If you like, you can spray with and SMG of your choice on the way down.
????
PROFIT!!!

Making The Fags Cry

Simple, grab your most 'UBERUEST CLASS EVAH' Consisting of an m16, a jewtube, nubberpwnt, and shitrydom and run into the middle of what ever crap map your playing on, shooting in all directions and spamming your jewnades. Wait for a fag to come over and die by your shitrydom and cry his eyes out all over his dick. (Which he was 'PRETENDING' (INORITE?!) to use to wank over you, the way you slowely, handled those sweet grenades.)

Make everyone leave

Late at night it is not hard to find a server without an admin. Get one other person to join a game with you and start having a casual conversation (stop playing the game just sit there and chat with eachother). People will get pissed off at first, overtime change this normal conversation and start having gay cybersex with your friend. Perpare for large ammounts of "OMG FAGGOTS GTFO!!". The best way to turn a normal conversation into cybersex is starting the conversation with "I just got back from the gym and im sore" this will undoubtedly turn into gay cyber sex anyways.

Make the Fanboys Drool

Make your name something like CodGirl and playe for 5 minuets, after being being hit on by most the guys in the server start doing all of the above listed trolling methods, they will not kick you as long as they think they have a chance at getting laid.

Cock of Doody: World of Whores

This time Treyarch fired their whole staff and was overtaken by a team of high school PC game modders. Who all decided "OMFG LETS MAEK A WWII CALL OF DUTY GAME!" Being complete idiots who only started playing the series since COD4, they do not even know that the PREVIOUS FUCKING GAMES ARE SET IN WWII. Also every faggot that plays World at War does not know of previous COD games that take place in WWII as they were either too busy masturbating over Cortana from Halo or were too busy enjoying getting raped by a nigger who would later enjoy getting raped again ingame via noob tube. Call of Duty World of Whores in short is video ass rape.

The game follows the overused amerifag invasion of Japan after finding out that they fail at invasions, they hot foot it back to the safety of Britain and nuke Japan into the sick fuck nation as we know it today.

You also play as the Russians, but I'll show you later.

Online multiplayer features time traveling mechanics as you can use weapon sights and attachments from the future onto your firearm that is over 9000 years old. For example, you can unlock the musket rifle and get a red dot apeture sight and a suppressor for it. Neither attachments existed during the game's era. This was probably decided by Treyarch because they were uncreative and decided to reskin everything from Call of Duty 4. Also they did it to please the mass of faggots who play the game, the only thing missing for fans is a nuclear powered dildo weapon attachment to shove up their ass. (Which also did not exist at the time, but then again, the target audience being huge cockmongers would not care.)

STAB TEH FUCKIN JAPS /w ur Bayonet Newbie then shove a grenade down his throat and then teabag him till his body disappears. - Typical Kill in COD WAW online. Hey Even the Japs play the game!!!!!!!!!!

Upcoming Titles

Infinity Ward is currently fronting their upcoming release "Call of Nature" in which Captain Price must take a leak whilst being shot at by Nazis. Much hilarity ensues.

Gamespot Review

A long time ago Gamespot reviewed this game. Most unsurprisingly however Gamespot's review was mainly influenced by money and greed, and ironically by terrorist funded organizations. It received a 9.0 out of 10 because even though the game really sucked, the Gamespot reviewers became obsessed with it.

Gamespots Merits

Gamespot's Merits, Lulz Edition

Kid's Game

IAA Winrar

Fuck You

Ear Rape

Completely Gay

Honorable Mention

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