Call of Duty 4
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare is a first person shooter war simulation that has been hailed one of the most realistic war shooters ever. Though highly popular in sales and continued usage, CoD4 has been continuously panned by critics who find their pathetic inability to have a positive kill death ratio against a game population of 12 year olds to be sufficient reason to call the game bad.
The realism even extends to:
- A dozen guys taking on every ultranationalist psycho in Zakhaev's pocket...and winning.
- Dogs taking a 5.56x45mm round to the skull and getting up as if you had only nudged them.
- Rabid dogs falling from the ceiling.
- Dirty Arabs that can shoot the top inch of your head with an AK-47 from 400 metres while firing with full auto on
- Dumbass marines thinking they're the shit by using shotguns at long range.
- Enemies calling in backup units out of brick walls.
- Firing the Desert Eagle at speeds even the Terminator could not accomplish without breaking his fucking wrist.
- Taking a point-blank Desert Eagle shot to the face, and living.
- Killing someone by hitting them in the chest with a flashbang.
- Knives that can penetrate through a player and hit the wall behind them, yet not kill them (oh wait, thats just the shitty engine they keep re-using).
- Lots of grenades - just like in a real war!
- Magic helicopter deflection shields that can block Stinger missiles.
- Respawning helicopter gunners and invincible pilots.
- Taking down a helicopter with a 9mm pistol.
- "Perks" that give the player special abilities, such as shitting out grenades after being buttraped.
- Running while firing the Barrett .50cal.
- Surviving a shot from the Barrett .50cal to the chest, but dropping dead after being grazed on the foot by a knife.
- Shitty AI that has no real tactic other than shooting and raping you.
- Teammate AI that never die.
- Shotguns that are incapable of killing someone from a range of 4 meters, even though the effective kill range for most shotguns is 90 meters.
- Switching weapons fast enough (<1 second lolwut) to kill someone who has already pumped several hundred pieces of lead into your worthless body.
- Taking several rounds to the face, ducking for ten seconds, and coming back up unharmed, or taking one 9mm round to the foot and dying in Hardcore mode.
- Unusually large amount of gore.
As you can tell, the folks at Infinity Whored must have put hundreds of hours of work into making only the most top quality and long-lasting game they could. So what do you get for your $60? Four gut-bustingly hilarious hours of watching yourself try to scramble over objects that are only three feet high and failing miserably. When you get to the end, it's a rip-snorting good time as you shoot at Russians from the back of a truck while speeding along the highway at 120 kmh.
What? It's an action-packed game, it doesn't have time to make sense be even remotely playable!
Story
Infinity Ward decided to take a different step into a actual story line rather than random warfare. They start the game off with getting the player familiar with the British Special Air Service soldiers first, going through training. Player switches identities between Sgt. Soap Mactavish (apparently a Muppet who somehow passed inspection) and Sgt. Paul Jackson (who noone cares about cause he gets fucking pwned by a nuke). The actual game (not the bullshit training) starts in a boat in the middle of the ocean. You assault it, and shit goes wrong as usual, and being Call of Duty, they have to make some kind of epic ending to the first mission.
The game continues going on, fighting between sand niggers and Russian nationalists. You're given a pointless mission, you complete it, and life goes on. Towards the end of the game, they decided to add some kinda climatic ending, by the ultranationalists sending nuclear warheads to America. Then Infinity decides to really rush the character to the end of the detonation, and the finale starts. Soap gets on a super epic truck shoot out (much like a ripoff of time zone, and the original COD) all the way to the end. Dumbass truck drivers didn't see that the HIND-D didn't actually bug off, but was going to shoot out the bridge. There's another one of the hundreds of shootouts and your character is downed.
The nigger drags you from cover into the cross fire, and he ends up being the first one to get shot (not unusual). After that, you lie on the ground watching your fellow squad get fucked in the ass by the ultranationalists. As you're bleeding out, you fire your semi-automatic pistol at the ultranationalist gimp leader, and the game ends in the most anti-climatic way possible.
Characters
Sgt. 'Soap' MacTavish
A homosexual member of the 22nd S.A.S. (Shit Air Service) Regiment who serves Captain Price as a sex slave and personal assistant. Some of his common duties are getting Price tea coffee and sucking his cock.
Theories on why he is called Soap:
- 1. He is a Muppet who somehow passed inspection.
- 2. He smells good.
- 3. He always drops the soap when showering with the other men.
Captain Price
A time-traveling demon. He was originally in Call of Duty 1 as a seemingly homosexual British officer who was captured by the Germans, most likely because of the frequent gay sex orgies he would have out in the open. Of course being a POW suited him just fine because of all the free buttsex he would get. No one gives a fuck about him in either game though, because COD doesn't have any real storyline, just random events with no character progression whatsoever. In fact, most players don't even know the name of the guy they are playing as.
Sgt. Paul Jackson
Some Marine whom nobody cares about because he is half-nigger and half-nigga. He gets nuked halfway through the game.
Captain MacMillan
UNDOUBTEDLY THE GREATEST VIDEO GAME CHARACTER EVER. SPEAKS WITH AN AWESOME SCOTTISH ACCENT a disgraceful Scottish impersonation. Obviously a pretty cool guy, he lets the retarded Captain Price take the shot on an extremely high valued target despite him being the much more skilled sniper. This is just further evidence of why COD sucks.
EVEN MOAR PROOF
Captain MacMillan Facts
- 1. Is God.
- 2. Could actually take on all the dogs on his own but was afraid Price would die.
- 3. His dick is a .50 caliber sniper rifle.
- 4. No one cares about him either
Lt. Vasquez
Spic leader of Jackson. Also gets nuked halfway through the game, but who cares because he's just a fatass, taco eating spic-fuck.
Multiplayer
Last thursday a video on YouTube was released showing gamers how to fly around the shitty maps and be invincible while doing it, Making it 100x better to fuck with people. Despite being a laggy piece of shit, the game has been played by over ten million people. The game has every twelve-year-old Korean and his dog by the balls, rabidly clinging to their controllers as they blast their 9001th sand nigger. Gameplay consists of either Russians shooting Britfags or Arabs shooting Americunts. This makes it the perfect game for 13-year-old boys all around the world. For extra fun and lulz, join those 50 player matches in the PC version and just try to play. You'll get so fed up with the spammy 'nading bullshit that you'll just want to an hero.
Another advantage/disadvantage to the game (depending on your sexual preferences) is that in a game of 20 players it has been proven that at least 16/20 players are Polish children under the age of 4 whose balls are so undropped that they are actually inside their own guts. You can also troll bitchy, Nigga 15 year-olds with prostitute moms, whose only games are Call of Duty 4 and 5 and the rest are rented so they can be an achievement whore and look like they have a large game list.
Weapons
This section is a stub, you can help by adding moar shit.
Assault Rifles
M16A4
Semi-automatic with three round burst fire. If you aren't on crack or retarded this gun can potentially be compared with the shotgun in firepower except at long range, and is incredibly dangerous in the right hands; the ones that can actually aim, and don't jerk off so much that their hands are permanently fixed, forcing them to rely on automatic weapons. The second reason (behind grenades, and before air support) that COD4's multiplayer is broken.
AK-47
Used by filthy Arabs and Russians, the AK does double damage on Americunt /k/ommandos, and kids who leave games when they're not rolled to the American side. Ideal gun to compliment your salute to communism to anger other players. In reality it would blow a 1/2 inch hole through any part of your body and kill you either instantly or in a couple minutes tops, but not in COD4, because COD4 is simply too realistic.
M4A1 Carbine
Another good gun to use as an excuse to hold down the trigger like any SMG automatic weapon in the game. Just too plain.
G3
Gimped in multiplayer to semi-automatic, the G3 is a favourite of people who believe that fingers muscles developed to the ability of producing automatic-speed fire with a semi weapon is warranting of respect, when in reality it just shows how much of a fucking loser nerd faggot they are. HAHAHAHHA disregard that, I suck cocks HAHAHA! Disregard that, too! I suck MIGHTY BIG COCKS because I am a butthurt faggot. Actually it's for the more experienced player who doesn't hold down the mouse button constantly and can actually aim properly. Makes a good substitute sniping weapon by equipping this weapon with Red Dot Sight and Stopping Power. IRL has the exact same power of the M40E4 and is commonly used with a scope, but research isn't Infinity Ward's strong suit.
M14
Exact same gun as the M21, but without the scope. Despite being the same weapon the M14 has at least 100x more recoil, which along with a famous recoil related bug in the game which causes shots to be placed nowhere fucking near where you were actually aiming and shitty iron sights renders the weapon completely useless. In fact the recoil is so great, you can easily do a backflip with the thing.
G36C
Pretty much the most generic assault rifle you can get, not even worth discussing this weapon.
MP44
Elite faggots will argue it is the best gun because you unlock it last, when in reality it is only a tribute to when it used to rape ass in the previous Call of Duty titles, and in fact sucks cock. You also can't add any attachments to it. It's the reason why Call of Duty 4 has Modern Warfare branded to it as well.
Sub Machine Guns
MP5
A generic weapon. It's the AK-74u... with less recoil and no wall penetration, because Infinity Ward's Russian fetish prevents them from actually being able to allow a non-Russian weapon to be the best in its class.
Skorpion
Some piece of crap designed by a dyslexic Czech. Runs out of ammo in 2 seconds and has the lowest damage out of every weapon... at range. In close it lays down the smack, but who gives a shit about close range?
Mini Uzi
An Israeli sub machine gun recommended for Jews but not recommended for noobs. Has massive recoil and shit damage.
AK-74u
The carbine version of the AK-74, probably the gayest weapon to use, simply because it looks and shoots really fucking gay. It is classified as a sub machine gun in game although it is really an assault rifle/carbine. Dumbasses think it deals the same amount of damage as the AK-47 because it shows it in the stats. This is entirely false because A) The stats are made up and B) It is not in the same weapon class.
Is the only submachine gun that shoots through walls, and as such is whored like the AK-47 by every wannabe dickhead who wants to appear as if they're good when they're not.
P90
Arguably the best SMG available. However, unlike all the other overpowered horseshit nub starter weapons, you actually have to work for this one because it's the last SMG you earn through leveling up. Not only does it have the fastest firing rate and magazine size out of all the SMGs, it also doesn't recoil at all. A gun made of hacks.
Light Machine Guns
M249 SAW
Like all weapons in the game, COD4 fails to accurately represent what firing it would actually feel like. You may also notice that the mounted machine guns are mostly M249's, because apparently when mounted it instantly turns into a hyperactive .50 cal automatic weapon.
RPD
Behind the M16A4 this is the best weapon to get easy kills with. Aim and shoot and you will kill them in a second. Good for camping like the faggot you are. Like the P90, this weapon has fuck-all recoil, despite being almost as powerful as the M14 is.
M60E4
Just aim at anything and hold down the left mouse button, they won't stand a chance. Do a screen cheat when playing on LAN and watch their screen turn a nice bright red because of you. Make sure you can actually aim or you will be a goner yourself.
Sniper Rifles
M40A3
When 10 year olds see the pros using this sniper rifle with an ACOG scope attached, they bullshit out of their ass about why its accuracy is superior, because they're too fucking dumb to lern2google and find out the ACOG glitches the weapon into an instant kill.
Dragunov
Pronounced draw-gun-ov, not dragon-ov. Also referred to as the "SVD." According to it's stats this has the exact same damage as the M40A3, except really it does about 2/3 as much, which clearly leads to the fact that the devs just made up those stats.
M21
When using this gun never use stopping power. It's a sniper rifle, so a headshot insta-kills no matter what and takes 2 hits anywhere else whether you are using stopping power or not. Combine with sleight of hand and bandolier, then empty the entire magazine anytime you see someone for superb results.
R700
The Remington hunting rifle. It's really just the M40A3 except without the military modifications, which some how makes it more powerful. It's stats say it has almost as much damage as the Barrett .50cal but really does less than the M40A3. Also, it doesn't actually hit the middle of the reticule on occasion.
Barrett .50cal
Accroding to Infinity Ward this weapon has "high mobility", despite weighing about 50 kilos compared to the "low mobility" 10kg M60E4 LMG and being impossible to fire when not laying flat on the ground with a heavy duty Bi-Pod nailed to the floor. You can also discharge the entire 10 round magazine in 2 seconds, which would literally pull your arm out of its socket.
Shotguns
W1200
Probably actually has less power than the M1014 IRL, but has more in COD4 because the devs just assumed it would. If you can aim, this is much better than the M1014, as it has roughly twice the range.
M1014
Point blank inaccuracy, random amounts of damage, worse when aimed down the sights, superior on games crippled by lag. Thanks Infinity Whored. Only worth using when augmented with other crap like Grip and Steady Aim.
Pistols
All pistols have increasing damage in the order you unlock them and anyone who says otherwise doesn't know jack shit about weapons. A 9mm is not as powerful as a .45 and even Infinity Ward gets that. Also adding silencers do affect damage greatly depending on the range, as with all weapons in COD4.
M9
Pretty much the crappiest pistol ever made and coincidentally the American standard-issue military sidearm. Very low damage. Some morons think it is the best because it has a 15 round magazine and is just as powerful as the others (excluding the Desert Eagle).
USP .45
Very good weapon for sniping, extremely accurate inaccurate from the hip with fast recovery time. When using a shotgun make sure you have this pistol in order to take out snipers from across the map. Also has a 12 round magazine, which is just as good as 15.
Colt 1911
Nearly as powerful as the Desert Eagle, but not as effective for close range bullet spamming. 8 round magazine.
Desert Eagle
An impractically large pistol with such a high recoil that it can knock a planet from its orbital path despite requiring 2 shots to kill some random sandnigger. That's right, 2 shots to the fucking sternum at a metre away to bring down someone. Doesn't include the extra shots needed to finish off the fag who uses Last Stand and you probably ran out of ammo by then and get finished off yourself. Simply aim near someone and spam the entire magazine to achieve a kill. Despite being an unwieldy piece of garbage, it has the smallest hipfire reticule of all the pistols, even smaller than the submachineguns. This is the funniest pistol to use when you're on Last Stand. 7 round magazine.
Other
Knife
Added to save the developers time on making a dedicated melee animation for each weapon. Use at your own risk, extremely glitched due to shitty engine and lag. Some players can be seen chasing after an enemy for 20 seconds in a desperate attempt to achieve a 1337 knife kill.
Frag Grenade (Moar like Fag Grenade amirite?)
Your primary weapon. It is imperative that you always have frag x3 so you can throw them into the air every life and end up killing about 3 people per match. In search and destroy about half the players are eliminated within 10 seconds because of grenade spam. Memorize the maps thoroughly for maximum effectiveness. For some reason Infinity Ward decided lobbing a 1/2 pound grenade at someone actually deals damage, throw nades at people in last stand for extra lulz.
Stun Grenade
Only used for detecting enemies because it deals a small amount of damage and the 4 tick marks will show up if it hits someone. Actually locks the enemy's view, preventing them from aiming at you and allowing you to dance around like a moron before knifing them in the back.
Flashbang
Magical flashbangs that blind fully outiftted SAS troops and penetrate their anti-flash goggles. Whenever someone is hit with one they instantly panic and start shooting wildy, sometimes always killing the person who threw it. Equip with special grenades x3 and spam them like frags to piss off the other team, get a few friends to all do it too to make the other team leave.
Smoke Grenade
Probably the most useful special grenade, just one person throwing a smoke in the middle of the map each life will make all the snipers rage quit. Use the same team strategy as with the flashbang.
Attachments
Grenade Launcher
(a.k.a: "n00b tube") Use this to annoy the fuck out of veterans for the lulz. Get right up close to someone and fire this weapon in their face for superb results. Many online servers greatly discourage the use of this perk, especially on the PC, due to most servers being run by whiny clan-fags but it is a legitimate weapon added into the game after all... Actually one of the greatest attachments of all time creating an excellent gaming experience for others.
Red Dot Sight
Obviously better than using a red permanent marker to draw a red dot on your precious LCD screen or that iron sight that looked like someone accidentally drilled a hole in the wrong place.
Silencer
Useless on its own (especially in ground war) because of the constant UAV's. When conbined with UAV jammer you will become god because no one will ever be able to find you without their GPS. That is until you realise taking one more bullet to kill everyone WILL get you killed before you can kill anyone. But you can nonetheless be a wannabe modern ninja with that sleek cylindrical attachment.
Grip
You have to earn this accuracy increasing attachment yourself because the gun manufacturers were too fucking lazy to attach one or even consider it or because you simply are a stupid little prepubescent kid who does not have enough self control. It is only available for light machine guns and shotguns and is useless on all. It still takes up your first tier slot anyway because Infinity Ward is too lazy to think up another attachment for shotguns, and doesn't want to just give you a free attachment with no trade-off.
ACOG Scope
A scope loaded with radioactive tritium which gives your eyes the ability to see further and kills you slowly. Actually makes weapons less accurate, defeating the purpose. Another reason this is useless is because all weapons are already perfectly accurate, so there is no need to add a scope.
Perks
Call of Duty 4 uses an advanced perk/leveling system that is simplified into "you killed me with x perk, x perk is for n00bs" by the faggots that play this game.
Weapons - The developers, in their infinite wisdom, decided to make all the weapons you start with overpowered as all fuck compared to the weapons you actually unlock later by leveling up. The first assault rifle available to you is the M16A4, which in the game is a lot like having a shotgun that doesn't get weaker at all at long range. Meanwhile, the last sniper rifle you unlock is the Barrett .50cal, which shoots bullets half the size of a human forearm, and would create the most epic bullet wound or tear a limb off if it so much as grazed you IRL, yet will rarely kill people in one shot in the game. The only good gun that is available late in this leveling bullshit is the P90, but it's totally for noobs. God forbid someone should use something that's featured in the game, amirite?
Complete Perk List:
Tier 1: Support Weapon Perks
C4
Magic explosive with unlimited detonation range and somehow does not need to be primed, also sticks to walls, but only if you fap onto it beforehand. Only useful as a grenade but not as good because you can't throw it across the map, but that sniper in that window there is more than willing to receive it.
Claymore
Campers heaven, explosives which are damn near impossible to spot until you trigger them. Unless of course you have a fully functional brain and have some experience, at which point they become extremely predictable and easy to get around.
RPG
Worse than the noobtube. It is so modern, that the rockets don't even fly straight HAHAHAHA disregard that I suck cocks, if it did fly straight throughout its effective range, more sand niggers would have survived by firing from a further distance away, but for some reason always hit where you aimed them anyway. Only two rockets, used by sand niggers. Excellent for teamkilling. Aim and fire at your feet with anyone nearby for superb results.
3x Special Grenades
You have to throw these everywhere so that you can stun/blind enemies that aren't even there. No smokes though because that would be just plain silly. Use with flashbangs and spam them like regular grenades to piss off the other team, works surprisingly well.
Bandolier
For those perfectionist fags so sexually attached to their gun and can't get enough of it they need an excuse to use it longer by carrying that extra ammo and can't use other guns. Useless to most players as they die before they need the extra ammo.
3x Frag
Randomly throw 'nades everywhere since you might get a kill sometimes. Most useful perk period. Increases your primary weapon (the grenade) by 2. Basically hand them out like doctors' prescriptions because the opposition need it.
Bomb Squad
Another useless perk. By the time you see the symbol that a claymore/C4 is there, you're already dead from its explosion. Only points out explosives that are in plain view, so only little kids with eyesight problems find it somewhat useful.
Tier 2: "Perks to extend your life"
Stopping Power
This perk is by far the most common, as it is the only perk that actually has any use. You will find that 98.7% of players have this perk while bitching about people who use Juggernaut. Even though both perks cancel each other out, and Stopping Power invariably kills you before you know you're being shot at. Anyone with critical thinking and reasoning skills superior to those of a house cat can see the irony here, but that's sadly far too much to ask of your average CoD4 cockfag. It is not cosidered common knowledge, but this is the main reason perk system is ruined, because using anything else anlways puts you at a disadvantage. Without it players might actually start making some original classes and the game could have some variablility, of course everyone would probably just use another gay perk without it.
Juggernaut
Increases your health A health hack that angers veterans who expect players to drop after four shots. Makes you cool. USE IT MOAR!!!! (Note that if even one person on your team uses this, the entire opposing team can call all of you Juggernaut noobs.)Makes you invulnerable to otherwise insta-kill weapons, such as snipers and grenades (excluding knife).
Sonic Boom
Makes your grenades even moar powerful, if that is even possible. By far the most popular perk.
Sleight of Hand
This perk converts your character into a tweaker, allowing you to reload at extremely ridiculous speeds. This perk is useful when you are using a light machine guns; spamming the shots everywhere.
Double Tap
Shoot 33% faster. Makes ass-sucking weapons not as ass-sucky then only to run out of ammo. 1337 players know that this makes your semi-auto guns fire faster, so make sure you always use it with the G3. Then die from the enemy's last shot because you ran out of ammo first not to mention it doesn't compensate for your crap aim.
Overkill
Gives your character a much needed intelligence boost reminding him that he could always start off putting away a pistol in a locker room for a larger primary weapon. Instead of having a lethal assault rifle with stopping power and a pistol that is just a powerful, you can carry a crappy assault rifle and a useless sniper. Of course you can always pick up other guns anywhere on the map to replace your pistol anyway.
UAV Jammer
Summons a magician who renders you invisible on enemy radar (which can normally see you through walls and concrete). Because all codfags depend on their radar more than their primary weapon, this is by far the most useful perk in the game. Even without a silencer it is better than anything else.
Tier 3: 'Those annoying perks designed to get cheap kills'
Extreme Conditioning
Increases your sprint time from a whole 5 seconds to a whole 10 seconds. It is common knowledge that all marines are obese and are incapable of running for more than that.
Deep Impact
Allows for further penetration. There's no female soldiers in CoD4 (except that fucking helicopter pilot that gets your whole squad killed), only men, making this perk pretty gay.
Steady Aim
Helps you prevent shooting like a handicapped child from the hip. Makes aiming even easier.
Last Stand
Allows you to pistol-own people before dying and you can even stab someone in the shin (killing him instantly) and gain temporary invincibility while you switch from standing to Last Stand mode. This transition period often causes an enemy to run out of bullets and reload. Also known as the "Magician" perk since it allows the player to transform held special grenades into half cooked nades... OH SHI-//
Martyrdom
Shit out a cooked 'nade when owned by someone else's 'nade. This is used just as much if not more than stopping power. Despite almost every other third tier perk giving you more kills, 12-year-olds like this better because it you can actually see the results. Useful if you're not capable of killing other players while you're still alive, you pussy. After playing for a while you will almost never die from this, as you will (on instinct) avoid recently deceased bodies like death. A perk that defines Call of Duty 4 and hence servers and seasoned players encourage the use of this perk.
Iron Lungs
If you for some reason take more than 5 seconds to line up a shot this is the perk for you. Ideal for players suffering from Parkinson's Disease or who are tired of being teased at school for suffering from asthma too.
Dead Silence
Yet another completely useless perk thrown in to make it seem as though the game is worth buying, less than 1% of players actually listen for footsteps. Kills you unexpectedly.
Eavesdrop
Incredibly useless perk that lets you listen to the productive and team focused chatter shitty music, 12 year old bitching, wife beating nigger antics of the enemy. More than half the time you will go through the entire match without hearing anything at all. Highly recommended for free-for-all.
Leveling Up
The fantards' main attraction to this ass-vomit inducing game is the inclusion of the ability to "level up" your character as you ethnically cleanse more and more people with the gall to have differently colored skin. If you hadn't already guessed, this is merely the developers blatantly cashing in on the latest craze sweeping the world. With the promise of moar levels if they just keep going a little longer, the average player's brain is no match for the immense allure of this game's multiplayer mode.
When the player finally manages to make it to level 55 they are given the option to do it all again for a shiny little icon! This is called prestiging and is one of the main attraction to the game because you can never reach the final level. While most people are under the delusion that a prestige icon shows how much skill you have in reality they show how longer you have been playing.
Just remember to keep leveling up on those prestiges, cos who really doesn't want to lose all of their weaponry? Plus when you get to level 55 you get the coveted GOLDEN DESERT EAGLE!!!1! A.K.A Shiny shitty pistol...
Players
Be warned, skilled players: you may well find yourself winning matches constantly even though you're tons of levels lower than the players you're trampling. Only people who have suck fucking balls play Hardcore chmodes, the other "regular" AKA "pussy" gamemodes are just too keep fags out of Hardcore in summation, playing in a mode called "nerddcore" makes you feel better about yourself as a "PR0" even though it sucks and so do You.
EveryoneAny who knows jack shit about video games knows that you cannot be "good" at cock-a-doody because the game basically plays itself and no matter how much better you get you will still be constantly killed by 12-year-old, prepubescent fags devoid of any sense of direction or any idea what the fuck is going on.
The types of people you will find on CoD4 include:
- Americunts:Playing only the most realistic game types (Read:King of The Hill with a tactical name), these 12 year old future cannon fodders prefer the American family of weapons and the American style of getting shit on.
- Niggers: Only play Free-For-All because their barbaric run-and-gun tactics have no place in a game that requires some amount of communication and teamwork. Naturally, they freak the fuck out over snipers, because such a legitimate tactic is clearly for pussies. Also, they all have OBMA as their clan tag, even though the election's been over for
weeksmonths now. Also they like to use the noob tube a lot since it requires no skill and is similar to raping white girls in IRL.
- Girls: Quite the rarity, as there are no girls on the internet. The handful you will find on CoD4 all smoke weed, as evidenced by their usernames which often combine something feminine with a 420 reference. Usually they denote that they are girls by their clantag, screenname, or annoying voice. One's gender has no relevance in gameplay and girls only show it because they are just asking for it.
- Britfags: If you don't talk with a heavy, indecipherable British accent, then you're probably American,
and thus a fat idiot. End of story.and thus will be yelled at in an annoying britfag voice (very often in these exact words): "SHUT UP, YOU AMERICAN BAAAUSTAARD!1!!" & if teamkill is on, will blow the fuck out of their own team with an RPG like wannabe sand niggers, amirite?
- 13-year-old boys: Will accuse everyone who can fire a semiautomatic weapon at a rate of more than 1 round per second of using a modded controller, which is essentially a waste of at least 100 dollars considering you can alternate your index and middle fingers on the trigger to shoot just as fast.
- Elitist musical bastards: Will play their favourite song at over 9,000 decibels, hoping to start up a discussion with a fellow fan. However, the piece of shit microphone will distort the fuck out of the music, pissing everybody who doesn't know how to use the mute feature (in other words, everybody) off. Usually is a techno faggot or a nigger who plays the shittiest songs of their favourite genre.
- Every douchebag and his brother who can't afford to spend more than five dollars on a router, thereby making everybody's character look like they're ice skating.
- Skilled players: These types of players break into two categories. A skilled player is either complete nerdfag with no life, or it could be some bachelor with a life that simply logs on a few times a week and dominates losers who are on their 9th prestige that play 24/7. Well, almost for 24/7. Aside from the time they are busy eating black cock helicopters up their ass after school.
Trolling Techniques
Teamkilling
This method has become a much used and otherwise fairly lulzy way to troll the nerds on Xbox Live...
For Example:
Steps to be a successful Teamkiller:
- Start fresh as a n00b.
- Join Hardcore Search & Destroy where all the elite (high level) users play.
- Make sure you have the RPG equipped. Also be sure to equip sonic boom and martyrdom for extra lulz later on.
- When the match starts, whip out the RPG.
- Fire it at the ground in spawn and kill everyone on your team.
- Listen to reactions!
- ????
- PROFIT!!!
Alternatively you can go to a regular hardcore match and pick just one fucking annoy 12-year-old or britfag, then kill only him.
NOOB tubing - Use it and Abuse it
Another way of trolling the shit out of those who play CoD4 24/7 is to use a noob tube. Like the AWP is for Counter-Strike the noob tube (grenade launcher) for CoD4 is exactly the same except less "skill" is needed. Use it and abuse it.
- Change your perk to overkill, which gives you two primary guns.
- Put two noob tubes giving you four grenade rounds.
- Join a Hardcore server and only use the tubes (you will notice that on Hardcore you will immediately produce lulz).
- Add martyrdom to kill random teammates nearby.
- When you feel the need, kill teammates repeatedly.
- ????
- PROFIT!!!
Clan Tag Glitch
The developers included a "clan tag" feature so you can show everyone the muhfuggaz you be rollin' with without giving the corporate bigwigs 10 fucking dollars just to change your username. Any clan tag that would offend a nun is off limits, but there is a way to get around this, provided you want to piss someone off with just three letters. All you have to do is put a backslash between any two letters in your tag. The slash will show up in pre- and post-game lobbies, but not in the middle of a game.
Mic Trolling
A good way to annoy the fuck out of people is to act like a retard. There are several different varieties of mic-trolling techniques available at your disposal;
- Yell something stupid into the mic.
- Put on an amusing accent or fucked voice, and continuously talk.
- Talk non-stop about how you were killed by n00bz.
- Tell britfags how much better North America is
- Purposefully breath heavily into the mic like the fat mouth breather that you know you are.
- ????
- PROFIT!!!
Clan Tag Stealing
This technique further proves that casual clans are serious business.
- Join any game (Hardcore modes tend to work better, particularly Search & Destroy, since clanfags are under the delusion that making enemies easier to kill makes you a better player)
- Check the player list for any recurring clan tags (the more a single one is repeated, the better).
- Take this tag, and copy it into your own.
For some reason, the clanfaggots in question rage amazingly hard at this simple act. Prepare for all manner of messages insulting your sexual preference, and your mothers sexual relations.
Fucking Hilarious Shit
The following is a list of things you can do with your friends (provided you have some) that will completely exploit this game as the shitty pile of shit it is.
Turrets
- Put on perks: stopping power, and deep impact (any first tier is fine).
- Set sensitivity to 10.
- Mount the nearest turret.
- Using your left index finger and thumb, firmly grasp right control stick, and use right thumb to pull right trigger.
- Spray the shit out of the entire level .
- ????
- PROFIT!!!
This strategy can actually result in UP TO 3 KILLS at a time, it's that simple. Lulz can become so great while approaching the turret that you may need to calm down a little before attempting this again (especially when high).
Jumping Off Buildings
In the event of getting cock rash (crash).
- Put on perks: sleight of hand (or stopping power), last stand, any first tier perk, and the desert eagle.
- Go to the top of the 3-story building and and wait for enemies to come through the shitty back yard area.
- Jump off the building, go into last stand, and shoot as many people as you can, use the knife WHENEVER POSSIBLE, it is effective for the lulz to make competitions of this with friends.
- (Optional) If you like, you can spray with an SMG of your choice on the way down.
- Complete the Base Jump challenge automatically if you haven't done so.
- ????
- LULZ!!!
Making The Fags Cry
Simple, grab your most 'UBERUEST CLASS EVAH' Consisting of an m16, a claemoarpl0x, juggsandtits, and shitrydom and run into the middle of what ever crap map your playing on, shooting in all directions and spamming your greenades. Wait for a fag to come over and die by your shitrydom and cry his eyes out all over his dick. (Which he was 'PRETENDING' (INORITE?!) to use to wank over you, the way you slowely, handled those sweet grenades.)
Make everyone leave
Late at night it is not hard to find a server without an admin. Get one other person to join a game with you and start having a casual conversation (stop playing the game just sit there and chat with eachother). People will get pissed off at first, overtime change this normal conversation and start having gay cybersex with your friend. Perpare for large ammounts of "OMG FAGGOTS GTFO!!". The best way to turn a normal conversation into cybersex is starting the conversation with "I just got back from the gym and im sore" this will undoubtedly turn into gay cyber sex anyways.
Make the Fanboys Drool
Make your name something like CodGirl and play for 5 minutes, after being being hit on by most the guys in the server start doing all of the above listed trolling methods, they will not kick you as long as they think they have a chance at getting laid.
Your Average CoD4 Game Experience
Call of Duty: World at War
Because Activision thinks they aren't already milking enough fucking games, an expansion pack was released a year later called Call of Duty: World at War. Treyarch, the developer who makes the piece of shit Spiderman games that noone buys, had to royally suck Activision's dick to get the job. The outcome was practically Call of Duty 4, except with new graphics and even shittier multiplayer. Seriously.
However, the game has actually done a good deed by attracting many kids to the Nazi Zombies game mode, meaning that there are now less 12-year-olds on CoD4 screaming into their mics and blasting Soulja Boy. However, this fact is somewhat irrelevant because all Xbox Live players are fags anyway.
Upcoming Titles
UnNamed Vietnam Call of Duty Game
Treyarch apparently still doesnt get it and announced they are developing a Vietnam Call of Duty. The game will feature all 10 weapons used in the Vietnam war, tanks, alien space ships, and goatse. Expect all the existing perks and 5 more completely useless ones tacked on. The game will also feature an amazingly fun new gamemode with very high replayability: Vietnamese Zombies! Stand in the same room for hours on end shooting the same character model as they all walk towards you with the exact same motion loop! Finish the boring repetitive campaign and then play multiplayer for 30 days on the same maps (which will all be ripped from the campaign like all CoD games do)! Also you can expect most of the campaign scenes to be blatantly ripped off from war movies such as Full Metal Jacket, Platoon, and possibly even Forrest Gump.
Gamespot Review
A long time ago Gamespot reviewed this game. Most unsurprisingly however Gamespot's review was mainly influenced by money and greed, and ironically by terrorist funded organizations. It received a 9.0 out of 10 because even though the game really sucked, the Gamespot reviewers became obsessed with it.
Gamespots Merits
| Gamespot's Merits, Lulz Edition | ||||
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