BUY A SHIRT!
The ED TShirt Shop is open for business! Use discount code ED2009 for 10% off! Click here to shop.
ED5 Pollfest is going on now! Register a forums accounts and help us find the best article in the five year history of Encyclopedia Dramatica. Check out the four polls running today: [1] [2] [3] [4]



Chris-chan

From Encyclopedia Dramatica

(Redirected from CHRIS CHAN SONICHU)
Jump to: navigation, search
Comment This article is a nominee for best article in the history of ED. Its poll isn't up right now but keep checking once a day here to vote on each new poll as it pops up.



Chris-Chan Subpage Navigation Bar

INTERNETSHOME LIFE(LACK OF) SEX LIFEE-MAIL HACKSAGASDONATE

Sonichu ComicsVideosWikipediaQuotesOn ED Forums
PeoplePlacesFull Timeline


If Chris had a game, it would be a PS3 exclusive."NEVAR on HEX BAWX!" As Chris would say.
If Chris had a game, it would be a PS3 exclusive.

"NEVAR on HEX BAWX!" As Chris would say.

Behold, the Mistake of God: Christian Weston Chandler.

Born February 24, 1982, Christian is a naïve, perverse, overweight, racist, pedophilic, homophobic, un-patriotic communist naive bastard, self-proclaimed "high-functioning autistic" virgin man-child, and creator of his own skillfully-drawn series of comics starring Sonichu - his supremely insightful crossover of Pikachu and Sonic. As well as "suffering" from autism, Chris also suffers from a severe case of unwarranted self-importance, the only cure for which would be to remove his head from his consequently gaping ass. At the time of this writing, Chris has found neither the time nor the conviction to do so.

Other names for Chris-Chan include: CWC, クリスちゃん, Ricardo Weston Chandler, Ian Brandon Anderson, Ian Brandon Something, The Impostor, Sammy, Antonio, Solid Chris or any other lulzy names trolls can make up for him, which will make him throw a tantrum.

The most notable physical characteristic of Chris, beyond the obvious corpulence, is that he wears a puerile clay medallion around his neck at all times in homage to his yellow Sonic re-color. In public. As if that weren't lame enough, Chris-chan actually has a shitload of medallions: The "Black Sonichu" medallion, and the "Rosechu" medallion (which he planned on giving to his sweetheart), suggesting that he has far too much free time on his hands. Which, of course, he does, because who the fuck would sit around on their fat ass all day coloring-in comic book pages if they had anything better to do with their lives?

Christian's hobbies include creating My Little Pony figures with his own pubes (including himself as a pony wearing a Sonichu medallion), stalking women at the mall, finding a "boyfriend-free girl" to "make into a Sweetheart from the ground-up", drawing (and actually uploading) pictures of himself having sex with multiple, racially diverse women, drawing porn of his hedgehogs, taking naked pictures of himself, and sexing up a blow-up doll named JULAY (which was originally sold as "Kimmi"). Recently, he got into big trouble when his father walked in on him while he was masturbating. Chris really needs to grow up and sell his toys on eBay. However, no one will buy his shit, so a girlfriend-free faggot he remains forever more.

But it gets far worse, my friends...

Contents

Chris in Person

DeviantART is about to get raped.
DeviantART is about to get raped.

It is of utmost importance that, before one ever enters a fixed one-mile radius around Christian Weston Chandler's Ruckersville, VA habitat, one is well-acquainted with the facts regarding this man's bleak existence, and the mortal and immediate danger that one's proximity to him represents, both to one's mental and physical well-being. In order to maintain his jaw-droppingly destructive lifestyle, as we will explore, Chris has had to sacrifice many of the normal human customs practiced in modern society, and seems to have synthesized an entirely new list of traits which he believes better-equips him to indulge in his trademark fantastical escapism via invented (read:stolen) comic book characters, blow-up sex dolls, and egomania. To wit:

  • He rarely shuts up about Sonichu, the self-endorsed, self-authored and mind-numbing allegory of Chris's life, as viewed through his own massive, 1985-throwback rose-tinted glasses.
  • His skin and hair is covered in a semi-permeable and self-renewing film of grease, not incomparable to an arctic permafrost of dead skin cells and sweat, proving definitively that he never showers.
  • He wears recycled shirts from the Salvation Army and believes it's a cause for gloating. He really believes in recycling. That is, he really really really believes in recycling. He recycles everything.
  • His scent is a combination of AXE and ASS (oversprayed, of course).
  • He leaves the toilet seat up.
  • HE CAN FEEL THE COSMOS!
  • In the event that you are able to speak with Chris, you should be prepared to encounter wave after wave of weak, juvenile aspersions cast in the hopes of making you forget just how abysmal Chris's life really is, along with creepy, probing questions about your personal life in regards to relationships with women. This is because Chris is still vainly searching for a girlfriend, years after first causing a shitstorm by walking into a local mall while in Community College, and advertising his desire for women via hand-held signage.

Lastly:

IRL Stalker

Emo-Chris
Emo-Chris

On MySpace, Chris posted his quest for a "boyfriend-free girl" and his stalking tendencies. Unfortunately for him, every woman on the planet appears to have a boyfriend. This has led to what Chris dubs "noviophobia" — in Chris's bastardized highschool Spanish interpretation, he inserts "novio" which essentially means boyfriend, before latin root phobia, committing a facepalm-worthy portmanteau that is almost nonsensical enough to make you forget that of all things in the world, Chis has a paralyzing fear of boyfriends. Chris claims to hate every male besides himself and his father, because they "took all the pretty girls leaving [him] with no one to choose from".

 
 
Where did it start? I started when my life-long friend, Sarah Hammer, a very pretty girl, was taken away from me by this Magician Jerk, Wes Iseli. At first, I was naive about their relationship. Later on, in spring of 2003, I tried to pick up a girl in a class I was taking at Piedmont Virginia Community College, but she told me right-off, that SHE HAD A BOYFRIEND! And it was like that with every other girl who I talked to since then. Thus, I developed my Noviophobia(mentioned above).
 

 

—Chris-chan spills the beans

 
 
I am a (my age then)-Year Old, Single Male, seeking an 18-(my age then)-Year Old, Single Female Companion.
 

 

— Chris begins his search for a boyfriend-free girl.

 
 
As for Wes, I blame all of these happenings on him. If he had not taken my life-long friend away from me, I might have a Pretty Girlfriend today. And I would not have had to set out on endeavoring LOVE QUEST!
 

 

—CWC is foiled in his perennial search for companionship

 
 
Chris Chan is destoyer of slanderous LULZ; take that, Encyclopedia Dramatica.
 

 

—The long-baleeted MySpace.com/sonichucwc

Previous Quote  |  Next Quote
Mary Lee Walsh in real life.
Mary Lee Walsh in real life.
Megan shows us how  pleasant an experience it truly is being in the presence of Mr. Weston Chandler. Note the fear in her eyes.
Megan shows us how pleasant an experience it truly is being in the presence of Mr. Weston Chandler. Note the fear in her eyes.
Chris is totally NOT GAY!!!
Chris is totally NOT GAY!!!


He employed his famous "looking for a boyfriend-free girl" sign in two places: the Fashion Square Shopping Center and Piedmont Virginia Community College. The dean, Mary Lee Walsh, reasonably assumed that Chris was publicly soliciting for sex, had the sign destroyed and banned him from the school for a year. Since then, he became obsessed with her and depicts her within his comic as a bald witch with a viking helmet, a pitchfork, a scepter to contain her evil anti-love powers, and occasionally a broomstick.

Chris has also shown his hatred towards Mary on several other occasions. He made a hilarious video asking for fictional character Harvey Dirdban's (not Birdman) assistance to fight "THAT EVIL BITCH MARY LEE WALSH FOREVAR!!1" in a contest for Adult Swim. He also made a video of him fighting Mary Lee Walsh as a custom character in Soul Calibur III. Despite his hate for Walsh, he still took the time with his Magic Markers to make hideous porn of her. You know you want to see it.

Chris's Love Quest was also foiled by Security Guards of Fashion Square Shopping Center. He was handcuffed and kicked out by Jerkops (half jerk, half cops) "for trying to attract a Boyfriend-Free Girl".

Christian claims to have started his ill-begotten love quest because he wants a daughter whom he will "dubly" call Crystal Weston Chandler (apparently after the illustrious metal). He made her in the form of one of his My Little Pony figures (from his own pubic hair, mind you), and made a separate file in the game Animal Crossing, and played as her.

The person we know the most about is Megan Schroeder (note the Jewish name, a sign that gold is involved), who had a huge influence on the comic and Chris himself. She remarked that the antagonist of one of the Sailor Moon movies came off as "kind of queer", possibly influencing Chris's homophobia.

One example of the Chris-induced drama is the blog entry where a girl describes her encounter with Chris as he was wandering stores in search of his true love in late 2004, which can be viewed here.

Chris changes love interests far more frequently than he changes his underwear; it is speculated that he has fallen in "true love" over 9,000 times. You could be next.

Trolled IRL

Trolling of Chris-chan has crossed the OL border into to IRL. Whether internet vigilantes are trying to expose him for the psycho stalker he really is or if they fap to picking on retards, it's uncertain.

  • An old classmate of Chris, Joshua Martinez, did some epic trolling. We don't actually know very much about Joshua, just a few key facts. Chris knew him from his old school (Joshua and Chris both had Special Ed together), recently met up with him again and was getting along fine. Apparently, Joshua was very popular with women and had met some famous celebrities. For some reason, Chris became extremely jealous and even tried to get ED to go after him. Note that Chris only values Joshua's friendship because he's popular with women, and that by being friends with him he might end up laid. Unfortunately for Chris, even other special education kids will fuck with him. The chick that Joshua was supposed to hook him up with was just Joshua trolling him with a picture of Vanessa Hudgens. CLICK HERE for Chris-chan unwittingly fapping to Joshua.
Autistic flirting techniques: The CWC Nipple Cripple.
Autistic flirting techniques: The CWC Nipple Cripple.
  • A girl IRL, possibly unrelated to ED or 4chan, tried to troll Chris-chan for the lulz. CLICK HERE to see Chris-chan get taken down to 15%.

Chris Chan: Master of Race Relations

As a basement dweller from Bumfuck, Virginia, it's a huge surprise that CWC is very, VERY racist. On his blog, Chris denies his racism by stating he only dislikes Barack Obama for being an Arab terrorist, and: "It's the WHITE house; we don't endorse people painting it different colors around here." Chris also believes that 99% of the Earth is ruled by dictators. In several of his videos, he asked to meet non-boyfriended, non-black girls. You can find the racist blog of faggotry here: [1]

CWC vs. ED

Upon discovering this article on the 10th of November, Chris suffered a severe case of butthurt and declared war on every site mocking his faggotry. As with everything in his life, Chris failed.

CWC laments.
CWC laments.
How do I use preview buttan?
How do I use preview buttan?
He took 2 HTML classes...
He took 2 HTML classes...
...It really shows!
...It really shows!

At first, Chris tried tampering with this article while logged in as Reldnahc which is obviously "Chandler" (his last name) spelled backwards. Before erasing the entire article, Chris actually contributed by adding information that he hadn’t submitted anywhere else. Most of his additions were chunks of text from uncited sources which included how Megan “shattered his heart”, and printouts of the Sonichu News Dash: a shitty newsletter about his comic which he also distributed at PVCC that landed him in another apparent conflict with Mary Lee Walsh.

To make matters worse, he also uploaded Rule 34 of his own characters. All of his additions to the article can be found here

Later, when the context of the article finally dawned on Chris, he snapped. He created another account, Chris-chan, and tried blanking the page several times.

CWC blames Encyclopedia Dramatica for breaking up the relationship between him and Megan despite the fact that she was never his girlfriend. Just another lying attempt to make ED feel guilty about something.

In this video BALEETED, Chris congratulated all his non-existent Sonichu fans whom he mistakenly believed brought ED down and further urged them not to donate to ED while failing to realize that ED's downtime was due to an issue related to the website as a whole, and not related to any drama around his article.

Chris's plea for his fans to not donate to ED failed because the only people who pay any attention to Chris are precisely the ones who helped ED reach its donation goal as of 08-14-2008.

CWC vs. ED Part Deux

Last Thursday, Chrissy posted a video onto the tubes declaring yet another war against his ED page, demanding that the page and discussion page be deleted, or else he wouldn't be making any more of his sweet, sweet comics for his fans to enjoy. He then stated that much like the old adage: "Too many cooks spoil the broth", ED had too many CROOKS. And that "every single word on his ED page was a crook".

After standing in an anime pose with his fist in the air, Chris then hulked the fuck out and proceeded to beat the shit out of a Raggedy Ann doll with a picture of Clyde Cash taped to its face, and that moar RAAAAAAAGE would follow if his ED page wasn't taken down posthaste.

The beast can be unleashed here.

CWCville

Finally on Wikipedia!!
Finally on Wikipedia!!
Baby got Back!
Baby got Back!
An artist's rendering of Chris and his true love, Julie.
An artist's rendering of Chris and his true love, Julie.
Gordon for President of CWCville.
Gordon for President of CWCville.

CWCville (Pronounced: Quick-ville) is Chris-chan's imaginary world. Considering how it's portrayed, its full name could be the Our Glorious Leader's True and Honest Lovers' City of CWCville, in a way similar to the Democratic People's Republic of Korea.

CWCville is actually two things: a fictional setting for the Sonichu comic, and Chris's long-ongoing pet project - many might call it a "happy place" and an imaginary refuge from the harsh reality. The two things overlap very much. It's sort of like his own personal Silent Hill - except that instead of being a twisted Hell full of violent rage and nightmare beasts, it's a disturbingly cheerful place where Chris's bouncy creations laugh, frolic, and fuck for his amusement exactly like Silent Hill. Characters are introduced without warning and fall by the wayside just as quickly; nobody's quite sure what becomes of them, but knowing Chris it probably involves anguished shrieks emanating from a love dungeon below the Mayor's house.

In the Sonichu comic book world, the town is allegedly located in the state of Virginia, but being a figment of Chris Chan's imagination, it will never be found on an actual map. Yet, in many ways, it seems the city is legislatively and economically cut off from the rest of Virginia and the United States. In this city, Chris Chan is a despotic mayor, where he controls everything at his own will and dictates new laws, granting him the basis of his megalomaniac tendencies.

Inside the comic, CWCville is at a fierce rivalry with neighboring city of "Private Villa of Corrupted Citizens." It is under constant attack from the evil forces of Dean Mary Lee Walsh and her army of Jerkops.

CWCville Elections

Around the same time these lulzy and exploitable events occurred, another unfunny gag started when some bright, intelligent member of YouTube decided to make a video declaring Billy Mays the new mayor of CWCVille. The only problem with the joke was that Billy Mays is now about as funny as Chuck Norris or a Mudkip macro on 4chan. Thus, "Billy Mays for Mayor of CWCville" became a meme with a shitload of videos trailing in its wake. If that weren't enough, the whole mock election expanded to other memes like Gordon the Pringles Giraffe and will soon spread to Pedobear for President and Chris Hansen for vice president (GET IT? IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE IT IS CONFLICTING AND THEREFORE HUMOROUS, SOMEBODY FUCKING DO THIS). Under the assumption that he'd be getting his PSN back, Christian stated that Billy Mays was in fact, mayor of CWCville. As always, Christian's reaction will only make things even worse, so be prepared for even more Billy Mays posters being plastered onto YouTube accounts.

The hit list.
The hit list.

June 28, 2009, just days after Michael Jackson died at age 50 of a heart attack, Billy Mays also died at age 50 of a heart attack. Despite being in his 80s, Jimmy Hill is still alive so he has been hailed as the new mayor of CWCville despite a rumoured attempted military coup by Chris.

Chris-chan the Moralfag

"Do not lie with a blow-up doll as one lies with a woman; that is detestable." ~ JUULLLAAAYYYYY
"Do not lie with a blow-up doll as one lies with a woman; that is detestable." ~ JUULLLAAAYYYYY

After seeing a hilarious episode of Family Guy, where Chris-chan didn't get that he was being parodied for his moralfaggotry, he decided to share his hatred of the gays with the Holy Bible. To do this, he quoted the book of Leviticus, which is the biblical equivalent of goatse, which reinforces how men should not engage in buttsecks lest they be smited to the pits of hell to be raped by the Devil and his minions for eternity (and also that men cannot shave, wear underwear with elastic straps, or crossbreed animals).


 
 
I'm not saying I'm dumb...or naive.
 

 

—Chris, in the process of being both.

Unbeknownst to Chris, prolific hater of all things not Christian, 89% percent of the users trolling Chris-chan are Muslims. In another blow to Chris's moral credibility, he also decided to pick up a book on how to talk to the opposite sex...written by a 9-year-old boy. As the kid wrote it on how to talk to girls of his age, party vans descending on Ruckersville are imminent.

Sex Life

Chris Hansen wants you to have a seat over there, Chris.
Chris Hansen wants you to have a seat over there, Chris.
It's pretty much a given.
It's pretty much a given.
Stoopid child porn laws...
Stoopid child porn laws...

His Sex Life (If you can call it that) includes, among other arousing phenomena, fucking an anime blow-up doll and screaming "JULAAAY!" at the top of his lungs.

 
 
But anyway as I was saying you know, just as you know, when you masturbate, you don't have to use your fingers, you could like, uh, find something that's like, you could use like a banana, or a pickle, I mean, it would be a waste of a fruit, but if you used a banana, you could still eat the insides.
 

 

—Chris-chan, on sticking things up his butthole.

Chris wrote to Nintendo Power in April of 2005 to discuss the DS game Sprung: A horrible dating simulator, and was overjoyed to discover that they published his email. According to him, it was a "free personal", and he expects that it being published will somehow increase his chance of finding a woman.

In both his videos and comics, he has shown contempt towards gays, constantly rambling on about how homosexuality is bad, and repeatedly stating that he is not gay. Despite these statements, Chris's sexuality remains questionable, as he owns a dildo and anal beads and rambles on about sticking things in his ass while he masturbates. In his list of people he would not date, he lists autistics, high functioning or otherwise. Thus, Chris is also a self-loathing flaming faggot trying desperately to stay in the closet. And we all know homophobes are closeted gays themselves.

Chris appears to be stuck in a strange, child-like mentality where he feels guilty when discussing sex. Because of this, he is forced to use different words, like "pickle" for dick, "hanky-panky" for sex, "boyfriend-free" for single, among other things. He started buying sex toys and porno videos back in 2006, and when discussing sex with other people (specifically Megan and a recent troll), he goes into intimate, almost scientific or educational detail. When Megan claimed to be uncomfortable with Chris discussing sex, Chris goes into full detail of how a handjob works and that he has learned everything he knows from pornography.

In recent audio recordings, we have discovered a lot about Chris's sexuality. Namely, he thinks that gender stereotypes, dirty talk, and cheesy lines like, "This might hurt a bit at first" are part of actual sex. One of the audio recordings has him describing his ideal "first time", which is intricate, overly dramatic and mildly retarded. This and many other disturbing things can be read here.


Chris-chan is also a fan of teh loli, as evident by his Rule 34 fan art of Dot Warner, Misty from Pokemon and Meg Griffin.

Gallery of Horrors

Chris Chan Galleries (Don't click if you don't want to see)
Rule 34 Fanart Drawings Trolling


Rosechu Nudes


Chris-drawn rule 34


Chris-chan Noodz
 
 
"After absorbing the power of the 7 Chaos Emeralds,

Sonichu transforms into his Super-Form where he is
invincible beyond compare. He can fly sky-high and
has the most powerful Lightining Attacks."

 


 

—Chris-chan


Tranny




Fanart Gallery


Sonichu Remade




Original Art Gallery




Medallion Get


Email Trolling


EbaumsWorld


PROTIP: If you want to add a picture, go HERE, and make sure to put it under the right section.

Signs of Insanity

Remember, stay straight, kids!
Remember, stay straight, kids!

See Also

Gormley-Chan
Gormley-Chan

Other Notable Retards with Sonic ReColors

Links

PROTIP If you wish to add a link, go here: Template:Chrischanlinks.

Stuff shat out by Chris-chan

Tubes

tl;dr

Music

Art

Love Quest

Furcadia Fail

Miscellaneous

Unfunny shit not made by Chris-chan

The Enlightening

The Embarassing

The Accurate




4chanarchive has archived threads related
to this topic for græt justice.


Einsteinaspie.jpg Chris-chan is part of a series on Aspies.




Chris-chan is part of a series on Webcomics






Chris-chan
is part of a series on
Dying Alone
Those Who Have Died Alone

Anna Nicole Smith | Brandon Crisp | Charmaine Dragun | Codey Porter | George Sodini | Heath Ledger | Lilo | Megan Meier | Michael Jackson | Mitchell Henderson | Otoya Yamaguchi | Ricardo Lopez | Ripper | Rudolph Zurick | Shawn Woolley | Tyler Dumstorf

Those Dying Alone

Ahotwheelscar | Anonymous Borg | Argent009 | Bikerfox | Bob Rehahn | ByAppointmentTo | Chris-chan | Chuck M. | David Hockey | Epic fat guy | Fagolescents | GoddessMillenia | Kevin Havens | Lecarick | Nathan Gale | Nullcherri | Pit Viper | Ricki Raven | Rootbrian | Sceptre | Snapesnogger | TheSockDetective | Ulillillia

Their Methods

4chan | AIDS | Anime | Booze | Bullying | Dead Friend | DeviantART | Drugs | Fleshlight | Self-seclusion | IRC | Jenkem | Lego | LiveJournal | Lonely | MMORPGs | MUDs | MySpace | Online dating | Online sex games | Plastic Crap | Plenty Of Fish | Vloggerheads | YouTube

Link to this