Black Metal
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Despite the name, black metal is not heavy metal music made by niggers. Black metal is actually an offshoot of heavy metal that was developed at least 100 years ago in Norway by Satanist faggoths who decided that death metal wasn't gay enough. The guttural vocals of death metal were stretched to a higher pitch so that, instead of sounding like a man choking on semen, they sounded like the Wicked Witch of the West choking on semen, occasionally complemented by weak, half-assed monk chants. Typical trailer-trash metal clothes were thrown out in favor of bondage gear, black leather, spikes, and exaggerated goth facepaint that black metallers say is uniquely black metal but was actually pioneered by KISS 30 years ago. These articles are usually purchased at Hot Topic, although black metal musicians will never admit it. The irritating, grungy sound of death metal was obliterated, reduced to an equally irritating, thin screeching of tremolo picked guitars, no bass whatsoever, and helicopter drumming. Black metal lyrics have a diversity of topics from Satan to nature to Vikings to winter to Vikings in winter to Satanic nature to Satanic Vikings in winter to Satanic Vikings admiring nature in winter. Although not very popular during the genre's heyday due to the emphasis on "kvlt" (avoiding commercial success by any means possible, often by making your music suck really, really hard), it has recently become immensely popular among 13-year-old boys on the internets.
Black metal is, supposedly, intentionally made to sound as shitty as possible. Black metal fanboys claim that this is because lo-fi production and poorly-played instruments "drive off the average listener" and force you to listen closely to hear the true depth of the music. This is a bullshit cover-up, as the fact is that it sounds so fucking horrible simply because the musicians can't play their instruments for shit and are too poor to afford decent recording equipment. Thusly, every black metal song sounds like it was recorded in somebody's closet next to a running vacuum cleaner, with fuzzy, grating, shitty guitars, screeching vocals, and farty bass interspersed with random cymbal crashes.
History
The first black metal band was Venom, but black metal fans, like the fucktards that they are, refuse to acknowledge this, because Venom wasn't shitty sounding enough, but, in typical black metal fashion, they changed their names to Cronos, Mantas, and Abaddon, so black metal fans still think they're alright. So the next band that black metal fans call the "official" first band was Bathory, which was supposedly the name of some evil medieval countess but is actually Norwegian for "bath house". He became an underground legend, selling albums through his daddy's record label. Then in 1988, Mayhem made the genre slightly less obscure and even more talentless and noisy with their debut EP "Deathcrush". Yes, it's as bad as the title sounds, maybe worse. Soon after its release, the lead vocalist of Mayhem, "Dead," became an hero and killed himself for releasing such an abomination on the music world. His suicide note read "please excuse all the blood" which makes it the best suicide note EVAR!! His bandmate, Euronymous, took pic's of the awesome win and used it for an album cover. A flood of black metal bands followed, most notably Emperor (for creating rambling pseudo-intellectual bullshit and getting rave reviews by even mainstream music mags), Darkthrone (for turning lousy production into a trend), Dimmu Borgir (for setting the template for sellout black metal, also known as a bunch of idiots standing around in Halloween costumes and shrieking about buttsecksing the devil).
How to become tr00 kvlt
Becoming a tr00 kvlt black metttulz is not hard at all. Here is how to do it.
1.Black Metal Terms and Phrases
- Kvlt: A stupid way to say "Cult." The less fans a band has and the more shitty their music/production sounds, the more kvlt they are. If you are one of 5 people who have heard of a band, then you are a tr00 kvlt meatlhead. Any band with over 10k friends on MySpace is mainstream market crap and the farthest thing from tr00 kvlt.
- Trve: Another stupid way to say "true". Only kvlt bands are trve. Also sometimes "Tr00" for leetspeak effect.
- BLACK METAL IST KRIEGE!: Parodied from a black metal song. It means black metal is war in German. The joke is "A war against what?" It's a catchphrase that people just yell out. Yell it at the top of your lungs or in all caps and people will think you are a trve kvlt black metal fan.
2.How to be/dress black metal
- Watch The Crow.
- Grow your hair long.
- Buy some black and white make-up from a halloween store. Make yourself look like a scary but gay version of kiss.
- Along with the boots and spikes, wear shitty old black jeans and a random band shirt
- Find some other black metal friends.
- Burn a church. Preferably wooden. Those burn better.
- Sacrifice anything. Preferably after raping it.
3. Making your band.
- Find friends who have long hair. If you can't,Get a trash can for the drums and $50 amp from the pawnshop and shitty electric guitar and use a Karaoke microphone.
- Form a "band", be sure to include a Christianity reference in your name.If not use this Band Name Generator
- Gangrape some nuns.
4. Make Your Music
- Write Down and Sing Your Lyrics like this BOBOOOOBOBOOOOOOOYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYYAYAYYAYAYAYAY RRAARARARAARARAARARAARARARAHHHHAYAYAYAYAYAAYAYAYAYAYYAAYAYAYAYYA and yell like you're getting your fucking dick bitten off. Remember to scream as annoying and horrible as possible. Sounding like an old hooker with lung cancer from smoking is the best.
- After writing down your lyrics,name your song with words beginning or ending with unholy, necrowizard, frostbitten, grim, xtian, winter, nocturnal, Satan, satanic, goat, goat rape, and fjord for trolling and lulz.
- Take pictures of a dead bandmate and use it for cover art.If you're too goddamn lazy to do that, take pictures of a goat,the number 666, or your own art and use either one for trolling.(Most fantards will only buy your album for the cover art anyways)
- Record your music in a cave or your moms garage. The shittier it sounds, the more kvlt it is.
- 1 Album is enough.
- After the album, only release demos on cassette tapes, preferably limited to 66,6 copies on badly xeroxed covers with pixelated artwork.
5. Promote Your Music
- Make a music video. Dress up in black metal attire, grab a shitty camera and head out into the woods. Play hide and go seek with your friends. Randomly cut to random band members headbanging next to a tree or a rock. Have your members run through the woods and suddenly stop, only to have them look up at the sky with a grim face. Post on YouTube. If you get under 1k views then your doing it right.
- Also take random pictures in the forest. Or take a picture in the forest covered in snow.
- Burn some more churches or murder members of bands to get popular.
The Fans
Black metal is personified almost entirely by its visual aspect, and thus, every black metal fan dresses like a 15 year old goth kid who stole his dad's credit card. There are lots of spiked shoulder/thigh/crotch plates, black and white clown makeup, spiked gauntlets, huge silver pendants and rings, and naturally, several spiked maces, swords, spears, and axes which were made exclusively for looks and would shatter into a million pieces if you tried to actually hit something with them.
Black metal fans are obsessed with being "true" (or "tr00") and are viciously territorial and elitist. Newly created black metal bands can be seen with slogans such as "True *Insert location* Black Metal". The biggest lulz example of this is from a Melbourne Black Metal band. Their slogan being "True Northcote Black Metal", Northcote being a scummy suburb in the north (how kvlt) of Melbourne, where rapists and pedophiles have the highest winz record. When not talking about black metal, they can be identified by their appreciation of hare-brained nihilist philosophies that a hardcore punk fan wouldn't even touch, their faux-evil screen names like "christkiller" or "Goatlust666", and the fact that they're still virgins at 25. Ironically, since all black metal fags worship Satan, by proxy they are essentially Christians (Satan was invented by Christians, who also invented God, Faggotry, and Phail). Thus they are a prime target for trolling. Trolling a black metal fan is rather simple. Simply bash Darkthrone, Mayhem, and Immortal and talk about how great Cradle of Filth is. This will provoke almost all black metallers into a fit of rage. Be warned that some especially tr00 black metal fans aren't kidding about that whole evil priest burning stuff. Don't be surprise if you wake up to find your dog dead with a pentagram carved into its side. Or if you find yourself dead.
The battle-cry of the black metal fanboy is "SELLOUT!", similar to the indiefags and similar in tone to the furfags "FURSECUTION!" Once a black metal album sells more than two copies or changes sound the kvltfags will flock to the artist's Last.fm page and proceed to bitch about the band selling out in a wank of nerd rage. Black metal fans often get into heated arguments about which band is more kvlt or whether a band is too mainstream, mainly because, like all fanboys, they're usually just repeating the opinions of their friends rather than forming their own. This cycle of elitism continues until the black metal fan will only listen to the kvltest band from Kyrgyzstan. One of their favorite phrases is "then black metal is not for you." This is said as a response if you claim to enjoy the music for what it is, rather than some bullshit philosophy about being better than everyone else. So, according to black metal fans, black metal is not music.
Black metal fans can be found just about anywhere, although MySpace and LiveJournal are generally not "kvlt" enough for them. Your best bet for finding them are special-interest boards, the geekier the better. Video games, science fiction and especially fantasy are full of black metal fans. Any Yu-Gi-Oh-related forums are guaranteed to be swarming with them. Also, any websites related to heavy metal, Satan, or nihilism will attract legions of black metal idiots singing the praises of their favorite music.
Black Metal bands
Dethklokactually death metal- Dimmu Borgir
- Immortal
- Mayhem
- These Niggers
- Fastest/Heaviest Black Metal Kvlt Ever
Famous Black Metallers
Euronymous
The Black Metaller most famous for being pwned by Varg. He played guitar for the band Mayhem and owned a record company and a record store. Euronymous and Varg were having an emo hissy-fit about who was more tr00 and kvlt. To prove he was more tr00, Varg stabbed Euronymous at least 100 times. Euronymous hasn't done much in the music world since his death, and some argue that being murdered was the best career choice he could have made. It should also be noted that a dildo covered in shit was found in his drawer in his unit in Oslo. Obviously Black Metal was not gay enough. These dildo antics can now be found within the newly created circle of "Post Black Metal" bands striving for higher levels of gayness. It is a not very well known fact that Euronymous was a life hating pinko faggot who wanted to kill people and happily be killed but stating this fact will encourage a barrage of his asslicking kvlt faggots BAWWWing over how he was too innocent to die or conversely a bunch of Varg's fanboys getting pissy at the prospect that their nekr0warrior idol killed someone who didn't give a shit enough to fight back anyway.
Varg
The Black Metaller most famous for pwning Euronymous in the face with an axe and burning churches. Varg Vikernes (a.k.a Cunt Grishnackh) is a talentless musician who black metal fanboys circle jerk around for hours for being the grimmest and tr00est black metaller. His real first name is in fact "Kristian" (irony lol?). Responsible for the 1 man project Burzum and for the killing of Euronymous. He was imprisoned at least 100 years ago for murder and general faggotry (a crime in Norway). Despite being locked away in a cell until last Thursday he has not made an effort to improve his musical ability. Varg has not yet told anyone he did it for the lulz. YTMND, with its finger on the pulse of the music world has leaked the first single from the new Burzum album.
He can be found listed and pictured under the "Heroes" column of any black metal-head's MySpace page, being the only possible way to make MySpace "tr0000oo00000zero" enough for their infernal, frost-bitten souls.
Varg is a world-famous literary critic, particularly devoted to analyzing Lord of the Rings. Among his discoveries are the following facts:
- Goblins kick ass and are Norwegians.
- Orcs are niggers.
- Tolkien stole everything he wrote from Norwegians.
- Elves are faggots and Jews.
- Languages, history and culture are all Norwegian inventions.
- Hobbits are Polacks and Russkies.
- Gods do not exist, but if they do, they are Norwegian.
- Mudkips are not found in Lord of the Rings, which makes it worthless.
Varg has been often portrayed as a Nazi, but in reality, his beliefs are unknown, as he changes them approximately every Thursday, every time declaring his new belief the tr00 one. This week, he is a pagan who loves Slavs and considers metal to be nigger music. The only remaining "beliefs" not yet claimed as tr00 by Varg are Buddhism and Judaism. However, contrary to popular reports, he does not flip various beliefs to win the non-assraping-favors of prison gangs, as Norwegian "prisons" are in fact small, comfortable villages and every "cell" is a wooden cabin (No, seriously).
Varg is, of course, 101% vargay, which was in fact the reason for the murder he committed, as he revealed in his own words: "Once, when I was going through Euronymous's underwear drawers as usual, I found a shit stained dildo inside...and it wasn't the dildo that I gave him!"
Varg is coming out of jail: Some want to believe he will do more of his shitty music, others want to believe that he will live peacefully in his farm, but you and I know the truth. So grab your camera and run to your closest church: you don't want to miss the opportunity of having a picture of the man himself doing what he does best!
Sure enough, not even a month has passed since Vargie's been out, and guess what started happening in Norway once again.
Other Black Metal Shit
Venom
Venom are the ultimate troll in black metal by tricking the world into believing that they invented black metal (as if that would be something to be proud of anyway). Venom was formed in 1979 with the sole intention to sell as many albums as possible to retarded metalheads worldwide by repeatedly putting images of Satan on their record covers. They pwnt Anton LaVey by stealing the cover of his satanic bible and putting it on the cover of their album Welcome To Detroit. Then they went on to pwn the entire world by claiming they invented black metal in 1981 and thereby claiming copyright on every black metal release evar because after all they invented it, amirite? Kinda like how Gene Simmons copyrighted the term OJ (orange juice, not that beastly nigger who slayed a poor defenseless white woman) Later the members of Venom ended up in nu-metal bands, as aerobic instructors or making cameo appearances in the popular TV series Friends. Over the course of history Venom has performed over 9,000 times at AIPAC benefit concerts.
Cradle of Filth
The only faggoth band that sells out and trolls every black metal fan claiming they're black metal and gothic metal and then death metal which makes them a FAIL. All of this translates into a dissonant shitpile of autistic drumming and pterodactyls raping eachother.Similar to Venom and Dimmu Borgir due to their trolling and attracting mall goths with their pseudo-satanism and Wait and bleed.
Mystifier
Ever wondered when will there be a true black metal band?.Well your dreams came true.This black metal band consists nothing but niggers ironically.But despite them being niggers,this is probably the only true black metal band unlike every Norwegian fag/eurofag here who are white. So Mayhem and every black metal band that are not niggers are PWNED! Since this is the only or one of the true black metal bands ,it's easy to troll black metal elitists telling them this is the only true black metal band which will ensue lulz.
Xasthur
Also known as Burzum 2: Electric Boogaloo. Xasthur is basically an Americunt version of Burzum.Otherwise,can also be known as the emo version of Burzum since this one-man band's lyrics consist nothing but emo-related shit.Despite that,how did this band end up in here?
Celtic Frost
Was the most badass black metal band alive along with Venom that was glam/thrash/death/doom at the same time and wasn't really a faggot band that weared corpsepaint either. Sadly,they finally split-up again and became an hero because of the vocalist Tom Gabriel Fischer (who was in OVER 9,000 bands). Had badass vocals unlike every ear-raping band here.
Batlord
Batlord, sometimes called Bathory in reference to some PMSing Hungarian bitch who bathed in children's blood, is famous for being from Sweden, firebreathing, having one member and being the first band to talk about Vikings having buttsex, which many black metal bands afterwords copied.
Darkthrone
Darkthrone is probably the least faggiest out of all black metal bands, but predictably it's also the worst sounding. An apt description would be like Tori Sue Heck flailing around in a garbage can over and over again. Many people take this as a suggestion that Dorkthrone are the masters of low fi production, but any sane person would realize its because they're Norwegian and don't know what a studio is. Their album covers are almost as jam packed with family-themed hilarity and American values as Immortal's.
Dissection
Another band famous for having a fag killing and a Swedish an hero member named Jon Nödtveidt. Unlike the guy from Emperor he apparently murdered a homosexual Algerian not because he sucked cock but because he was a sandnigger so the Swedish courts gave him two minutes in jail. Nödtveidt never shut up about how much a hardcore tr00 Satanist he was and he was so hardcore about it that he became emo and ended up taking a shotgun blowjob. Predictably, many tears from the tr00fags were shed to the amusement of normal people (similarly to the death of Euronymous and the death of Dimebag Darlings).
Emperor
Emperor is famous for having a fag-killing member, even though the members are all fags and had buttsex with Vikernes.
Gallhammer
This band's existence proves Japan should be nuked to ashes AGAIN. The sole reason this band ever drew the underground's attention stems from the trivial fact that all three members are cute Japanese chicks. Had the band comprised of three archetypal Eurofags, this band would just be one in a million of other shitty Black metal groups. Anybody that claims to like this band for their shitty music is either outright lying or just completely deaf and retarded.
Musically speaking, Gallhammer differs from their Satanic compatriots in that their lyrical themes cover sadness and pain, defining them as Black metal for fags. Additionally, since none of them understand a word of English, all of their songs are written in the most piss-poor of Engrish, proving their failure at failure.
NOTE: Don't point any of the aforementioned out to their fans, for doing so will create a massive amount of butthurt anti-lulz known. Of course, we all know what happens when lulz meets anti-lulz, right?
Gorgoroth
Gorgoroth's or by their Celtic name Faggoroth's members are the only black metallers nowadays who take part in illegal activities, such as goat raping, drug smuggling and living up a mountain. For that reason they are obviously being persecuted by The Man. The three members have recently taken part in a catfight and and there are now two Gorgoroths for everyone! Gaahl, as the ear raping vocalist, is well known for torturing a man Last Thursday, by strangling the victim's testicles. As the victim's testicles bled, Gaahl collected the blood into a cup. Gaahl was sent to jail for at most an hour, due to Gaahl strangling other prisoner's testicles, Gaahl was immediately interviewed, the interviewers asked him questions why was he such a Fag, by strangling the man's testicles, Gaahl said he did it for teh Lulz. Disregard this, he sucks cocks IRL.
Like all other overcompensating metal musicians, Gaahl is most gaay, though unlike most, he actually came out of the closet and revealed that his life dream is to make women's handbags. Because nothing is moar br00tal than taking it in the ass, amirite?
Ildjarn
One man band who hates all humans but has much respect for animals. Made most of his albums on some shitty Walkman and made others with his best friend Nidhogg, whom he also hates.
Nargaroth
Aside from Euronymous death, Nargaroth is the ultimate black metal troll. After making many retarded statements, creating a song called "Black Metal ist Krieg", saying he made a record in 1991 and appearing on the German equivalent of Jerry Springer crossdressing, Rene "Kanwulf von Nargaroth" has attracted the ire of many black metal fanboys for being an "impostor to the kvlt". However what they don't realize is that he is German and thus gay.
Satyricon
Satyricon consists of two married homosexuals called Frost and Satyr, known for their strange use of photography props and sounding something like a hybrid of Darkthrone and Britney Spears. They are also excellent trolls as many kvltfags are extremely angry at them for allowing one of their videos to appear on MTV.
Graveland
A one-man band by the homosexual Rob LARPen, known for his trolling on LiveJournal and famous pictures, dressed in medieval armor, sword, shield, and corpsepaint - in the forest.
Beastial Holocaust
By no means should you listen to this shit. It is worse than having your balls ripped off and salt poured in the wound. For reals. If anyone recommends this band to you, you should kill them and burn their corpse to avoid infection.
Notable Black Metal Trolling Bands Trolling Black Metal Fans For The Lulz
A lot of butthurt black metal fans get pissed when they see or hear bands like these trolling them.
Trolling A Black Metal Fan Or Black metal Elitist
NOTE: All of the below will cause instant lulz and drama.If you see black metal fans with axes and pitchforks outside your window, GTFO!
- Tell them Slipknot is the most true black metal band evar.
- Say that Living Colour is the best Black metal Band ever.
- Ask them "If they're black metal,why are they white?"
- Tell all black metal fans that the only true black metal band is Mystifier
- Say Dimmu Borgir and Cradle of Filth are black metal when your trolling.
- Comment on how strikingly similar their facepaint looks like Insane Clown Posse.
- Send them this video.
- Tell them this is the most gr1m and frostbitten black metal band evar
- Piss them off by saying Miley Cyrus, Britney Spears, or The Jonas Brothers is your favorite black metal bands.
- Tell them Xasthur or Leviathan is emo. (This only works with Black Metal Elitists, typical Black Metal fans just don't know)
- Tell them Immortal is serious business.
- Tell them all black metal is emo including Depressive Suicidal Black Metal.
- Tell them that Happy Days, Deep-Pression and related shit are among your favorite DSBM bands.
- Piss them off by saying Varg got what was coming to him.
- Piss them off by saying Euronymous got what was coming to him.
- Use words like kvlt,gr1m,frostbitten,tr00,and vnholy in Metal-Archives forums or any metal forums.
- Use this generator for generate every track on your next black metal album.
Why Should You Liek Black Metal?
The reasons are obvious.
See also
External links
- bm_tards - A parody community; ironically enough, this is the most active Black Metal-related community on Livejournal
- blackmetal - A general BM discussion community
- White Metal
- Black metal fans talk politics. May cause severe brain hemorrhaging, view at your own risk.
- Metal Archives, which started out as a catalog of heavy metal releases, but is now a breeding ground for black metal trolls.
- Website of a typical black metal band.
Black metal is actually very similar to rap. Don't tell this to the fans. Actually, do tell it. Constantly.DeadThe black metal FAQ, an example of why black metal fans are so stupid.Dead- Black metal morons creating drama and lulz.
- lulz!
- moar lulz!!
- Facebook drama.
- I AM EMERNA
- Shagrath from Dimmu Borgir also knows how to
RÆPrap. - True black metal band/song name generator
- Their verison of Hot or Not
- The Black Metal Dialogues. Arguably the best BM related troll evar.
- A typical Black Metal song.
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