Atheist

From Encyclopedia Dramatica

Offended?
Possibly, you are offended by the content of this page. If so,
please click here, and scroll to the bottom.

A quick summary for those who wish to avoid the drama.

The new sign for atheists.

What you will get for being an atheist.

Atheism is a religion for people who worship themselves instead of God. As a Christian will typically quote the Bible during an argument, most atheists will quote The God Delusion. Since nearly every forum on the series of tubes we call "Internets" has a 90 page long religion thread, it is clear that much drama and BAWWWWW is had with such a sensitive topic. In this article we'll take a look at the atheists' side of this eternal argument and attempt to glean important facts regarding their position. BEHOLD!

1 The Philosophy of Atheism
2 The Difference Between Atheists & Anti-Theists
3 Atheists OL
4 4chan discovers the truth
5 How to troll your average Atheist
- 5.1 Even ED isn't safe from the Butthurt Rampage of Atheists
6 Videos: "Reason" & "Logic" are their BFF
7 Videos to troll atheists with
8 External Links
9 See Also

The Philosophy of Atheism

Warning!:
This page has more butthurt editing than all the other articles about religion combined.

Actually this is Nihilism, but atheists don't believe in that either.

Atheists suffer from a rare, more aggressive form of unwarranted self-importance. Atheists typically think they are smarter then you no matter what. Just try to correct them on something and prepare to be blasted away with some SERIOUS FUCKING LOGIC! Like furries, many exhibit very serious cases of a persecution complex, believing that Secret Christian Anonymous Terrorists (SCAT) are trying to eradicate them by putting the word "God" in things. A high priest of Atheism discovered last Thursday that should a fellow atheist hear the "Under God" portion of the Pledge of Allegiance three times within an hour, they will instantly convert to Christianity and then die. Ultimately, they will all just end up burning in Hell.

Atheists are consumed by the delusion that religion somehow is the cause of all conflict and that it is directly responsible for every war and murder that has ever occurred in history, when in reality it is just a source of major lulz for their more temperate kin. Of course, most atheists fail to realize that, with or without religion, there will always be stupid people in the world who will fervently believe anything they read.

Christianity

Mr. Nifflekins demolishes the beliefs of theologians everywhere.

All atheists are liberals or libertarians with serious superiority complexes who are always willing to argue with anyone anywhere, especially Xtians. Of course, potential adversaries usually only return fire once irritated by the atheist's shotgun blast of USI. The ones who do get into such arguments usually do so either with as little interest as possible to still maintain a conversation, or with the intent of self-defense against the never-ending waterfall of crazy that the Atheist is zealously spewing.

Recent studies reveal that atheists tend to be privileged enough to seriously suck at life yet still not get b& (or at least become an hero). Thus, in an effort to prove to themselves and to the world that they aren't wasting everyone else's oxygen, they have the compulsion to argue with everyone around them that has any sort of belief set that doesn't directly involve polishing Dawkins's pole (sheeple?) who don't have the time or interest or opportunity to think about such shit.

Many of them believe that some philosopher (e.g., Friedrich Nietzsche or Karl Popper) has proved that atheism is correct. However, they will of course dismiss any philosopher that believes in God through the infallible argument that anyone that believes in a God is stupid, which means anything they say is stupid, which means that it would just be wasting the intellectually superior atheist's time. This is however irrelevant as all philosophers are batshit insane and emo anyway.

Atheists, who thinks that Christians is stoopid, have a tendency to use the words "irrational", "delusion", and anything that makes them look smart that revolves around these two words. Some even call themselves the "rational ones" who have plenty of rants against Christianity, but in the end no one gives a shit and they are still fat basement nerds who cry themselves to sleep.

Morality

A typical atheist.

Typical atheist morality.

Atheists constantly piss and moan about how religious people say that they can't be moral. But if they don't believe in anything, why do they care about morality? The truth is, atheists have no morals; given the chance, they would rape and murder every member of your family, simply because they can. Trying to prove this to an atheist will result in a 10-page rant about how morals are natural and are preprogrammed to keep us from murdering our families, friends and neighbors for their delicious cake. Nevertheless, the atheist will fail to realize that nobody gives a shit, and will keep on ranting until the listener gets bored and walks off or stops reading. Those who aren't busy posting in threads about the deeper meanings in the lyrics of System of a Down also seem to like to vlog it up on the YouTube and cry about how they are being mistreated by the evil "xians".

PROTIP: When in an encounter with an atheist and this issue comes up, simply point out that atheist dictators killed millions of people over the past century and murdered hundreds of thousands in an effort to eradicate religion itself, because, you know, mass murder is the inevitable result when a community becomes too intolerant of outlandish dogmas and too fond of critical thinking. The atheist will undoubtedly respond with, "BUT THEY DIDN'T KILL IN THE NAME OF ATHEISM!!11", which is bullshit, because they obviously did: Vladimir Lenin, Josif Stalin and Mao Zedong all viewed religion as an obstacle to the dictatorship of the proletariat envisioned by Karl Marx and thus sought to remove this obstacle by any means necessary. Adolf Hitler was possibly the most important figure in this regard, as he viewed religion as an aspect in society that must be completely destroyed, producing over 9,000 pieces of propaganda and speeches about the issue.

Sexuality

Of course under normal circumstances there isn't a woman underneath them.

Proven by polls and science is the fact that even Catholic priests get more ass than the typical atheist. This results in the atheist having to take an alternate path to survive, since no one wants to find themselves nakedin the same room as a neckbearded yeti who thinks it knows everything.

Since atheists fail majorly at sex and no one wants them, there is no need to promote abstinence among their basement-dwelling, unwashed masses. This proves the fact that atheists are the leading cause of AIDS, STDs, and unwanted pregnancies.

This leads us to the conclusion that:

Atheists have ~~thin~~ no dicks.

If there were no atheists, AIDS would be a rare STD (since most of Africa are pretty much like atheists).

Important Facts About Atheism

Black people can't be atheists IRL due to class restrictions.
If you were born a Jew and converted to Atheism, you are still a Jew. You also did 9/11.
They have the ability to grow neckbeards at an accelerated rate.
They talk to each other using sarcasm so unclear, that only other atheists can translate it.
Atheists have the ability to think freely which helps them spell better OTI and find porn.
They are smarter than you since they've browsed various skeptic's publications.
All atheists became atheists because they know they are going to Hell and want to hope desperately it isn't true.
Atheists only get their knowledge of the Bible only by searching "Bible contradictions" on Google.
They believe in evolution thus they believe themselves to be hyper-evolved Niggas that came from the sea
Homeless people cannot be atheist due to the fact they say god bless you whenever someone gives them a quarter without expecting a blowjob in return.
Richard Dawkins is the only person allowed to say the word "God", anyone else that uses it is infringing on atheists' rights.

The Difference Between Atheists & Anti-Theists

Atheists are happy to admit their mistakes - except they don't make mistake because they're atheists.

An atheist is somebody who ~~does not believe in~~ hates and thinks he or she is better than God. An anti-theist is somebody who will go into screaming rage about the evils of religion because the other choir boys didn't try to rape him, thus leaving him with an acute inferiority complex. Not all atheists are anti-theists, but all anti-theists are atheists - otherwise they would be missing the point.

A very different category of atheists who are not anti-theists are either Buddhist, Fagnostic or Agnostic. Thus proving evolution can go backwards.

Unfortunately for them, pro-theist atheists are also the target of anti-theists - because anyone who supports religion in any way i.e. "believing in belief", going to a church funeral or wedding, or donating to a religious charity etc. will be savagely ripped apart for being a Christ enabler and tortured as traitors.

Despite this for some strange reason anti-theists will go into another soapbox speech when they are compared to dictators or other extremists.

If you want me to respect YOUR religion then you respect MY religion! No wait...

Atheists OL

Every atheist's wet dream.

Whenever religion is brought up on any message board or forum anywhere, expect it to be flooded by over 9,000 hardcore neck-bearded atheists. Atheists are world-renowned for shitting up religious discussion with posts that can usually be summed up as "Ralijen sux" no matter how intelligent or rationalized the comment seems to the untrained eye. Atheists constantly whine about how religion is like a herd mentality meant to control the masses, without realizing that shitting yourself over anyone with any sort of theistic beliefs is far more obnoxious than the religious people they frequently whine about. Christians, in this case, have the upper-hand over atheists for not going into shitfits over religious discussion on an internet forum.

In this example, a YouTube atheist reacts to someone making a Wii Mii of Jesus. Very typical for an Internets atheist.

In this example an internet group discusses atheism. Note how for once the Christians seem like the sane ones. Also note the inability of certain users from this site to countenance the fact that atheists are frothy-mouthed batshit psychos.

Typical atheist protesting Bu$h's inauguration.

Listening to angry atheist rants on the internet, one can detect a common sentiment or strain of thought running throughout. This sentiment goes something like this: "Atheists are inherently smarter than theists. All theists are ignorant and irrational because of the very fact that they are theists. Why bother engaging those stupid, dim sheeple in actual debate when they are so very, very ignorant?" This is why atheists generally come across as arrogant, whiny assholes.

In delicious irony, Joe Atheist is even more full of shit than Jerry Falwell, because while a wacko fundamentalist Christian at least admits his beliefs rests on faith, the atheist insists that he has serious logic on his side. He has yet to rationalize the minor origin in universe issue in his theology of cause-and-effect, but hey, that's okay becauze the universe has just always existed LOL!1

It is also to remember that no atheist can understand lulz, as lulz, being a corruption of lol, means Love Our Lord. It is therefore impossible for a godless heathen to understand. No lulz may be had when you are too busy whining about how people who go out in the sun or shave are just deluding themselves and are too stupid to understand the workings of the universe which these fat, neckbearded slobs of course fully understand.

Another reason atheists generally come across as arrogant, whiny assholes is their long winded standard of ad hominem attacks on those with whom they happen to not agree. Rather than actually engaging into some form of serious debate with theists and having an actual discussion over why each person believes what they do, they instead go batshit insane on theists and dismiss them personally based on presumably lower intellect, lack of scientific proof, etc.

Most of the time, however, an atheist will suddenly decide that it's a chance to fuck Christianity anally by saying "Where is your god now?" or "God does not exist" in ALL CAPS, at any event like 9/11 that an atheist can use to blame on God.

According to recent studies, there is a side behavior to atheists online. If the religious person is an internet celebrity, some awesome artist, or anyone awesome who is Christian, the atheist will become a suck-up rather than an arrogant bastard.

Sources of drama

Standard atheist's response to this article.

Many people hold their religious beliefs very strongly. Many other people hold their supposedly non-religious beliefs even more strongly. As we all know, conflicting beliefs result easily in delicious drama. Thus, Atheists are a prime source of drama, both as subjects and creators.

YouTube has a sizable population of Atheists on it, mostly represented by the local diocese, Rational Response Squad. You can check out their "Blasphemy Challenge" to see kids bummed about church and that their parents won't buy them iPods. You may even be able to spot a few rare African-American "Atheists"! You can oftentimes receive boners from the angry responses from fellow Atheists who give out poor comment points to anyone that demands Tits or GTFO to any female Atheists.

The majority of atheists must always, and will forever, debate who is the biggest idiot for having a religion. In addition, some atheists believe that atheism is the belief in nothing religious: this is also bullshit.

Most atheists cannot stand each other; putting two together in a closet usually results in a deadly battle of who can fuck the other in the ass faster.

Atheist Quotes

An atheist in its natural habitat. Clearly, this is an example of Nietzsche's Übermensch ideal.

Do not be fooled. This fellow is actually a goat.

"I feel very attached to the idea of atheism, that we are free to do whatever we want. (Not that my parents buy into that) And there is no proof their is a god, so HA!!"

"...herd those goons into labs and perform experiments on them instead of on the animals. Wouldn't that solve the whole problem? No animals will be harmed, and this will be a good way to remove some anti-science goons from the gene pool. A whole new generation of lab rats will be born!" Real Quote

"Well, fuck off and shove a brick up your ass, because who ever gave you the right to speak for me and for all the other non-appeaser atheists?" Crackpot science-worshiping atheist

"HAWHAWHAR YOU BELIEVE IN A GOD THAT DOESN'T EXIST!!! Well, see you at school."

"In atheism we give you a blank slate to write your on life. I wrote mine in my dads basement with YouTube videos that aren't doing shit."

"If it takes a group to make you strong, not only does that make you cowardly, it means you are weak, and hiding behind other weak people, just like a fucking gang. This is the basis of religion. A mass of stupid people saying "do as we say or i will kill you". That doesn't make you right, that makes you a Nazi."

"Not that x-tians care, since Hitler was the christian poster boy anyway. Atheism is not criticism, it is logic. Christianity is criticism, of everything that doesn't fit into its stupid little niche of stupidity."

"this is a true symbol of the new church here in europe...good that I'm atheistical ."

"IM SO SICK AND TIRED OF CHRISTIANS PUSHING THEIR BELIEFS ON ME, i mean every year i go to buy something at the store and I see HAPPY HOLLIDAYS and it pisses me off so much i mean Christians are everywhere i mean its like UHHGGGGG but anyway this year its gonna be different. i just got down purchasing my ANTI-god pin. im going to every place where they sell christmas trees and all the "happy" (yeah more like BRAINWASHED) familys will see my anti-god pin and i will silently protest this stupid holliday yeah go atheists!"
- Idiot who was soon after killed off by his less fucktarded brethren.

"I'm smarter than you because I've got a science degree" Richard Dawkins

"WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW!!!!1111???2222" Almost every atheist in the world.

"So...you "respect my belief, or lack of any"? Well...that's very nice...but it is a red flag that screams out intellectual shallowness and lack of critical-thinking skills.

"I do not respect your beliefs. I think they're stupid...therefore, it would be stupid to "respect' them. That logic is really not that difficult.

"However...I DO respect your inherent right to delude yourself in any manner that you deem fit...provided that you do not attempt to impose those beliefs upon me and my family, our schools, our public institutions and our government." See "DuckPhup" - a respectable atheist.

"Religious people are holding all of humanity back because their "faith" actively hurts things like stem-cell research, abortion, artistic expression, and even the motherfucking space program. I don't want to be part of this species when an alien species arrives and at least half the world screams some form of "YOU'RE NOT CHRISTIAN-UHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"

Protests and Censorship

Here, an atheist whines about the phrase "In God we trust" on a bill.

Telling your local atheist that they fail at life and that all they really do is whine about religion is one of the best ways to troll atheists, as it is perfectly true and reasonable.

But recently, atheism has taken a rise about people censoring them, and that they're not getting their freedom of speech, right before breaking down into a rant about the evils of religion and shit nobody cares about.

Apparently, Atheism has its own definition of free speech: When I attack you, it's just criticism. When you attack me, you should be BEATEN AND EXECUTED.

4chan discovers the truth

HAHAHAHAHA SUCK THIS, ATHEISTS!

How to troll your average Atheist

Use this comic to troll atheists!

Atheists, in MY room? It's more likely than you think.

"Jesus died for your sins."

"God doesn't believe in atheists."

"If evolution is true, why are there still monkeys?" (This one in particular will tell you whether or not you have found the rare breed of atheist that isn't completely retarded, since most educated people can answer it.)

"Evolution is only a theory."

Pretend to be really surprised and full of pity when the atheist mentions his lack of faith.

Complain about the bias against intelligent design.

"God did it...your science is NOTHING without God."

PROTIP: Always capitalize God, and then point out that such Atheists often capitalize science and nature, proving that they worship them; thus proving that they are pagans OMG!

"Science is ALWAYS based on faith because you don't know if your hypothesis will turn out correctly."

"Put your trust in Jesus, not science."

"Evolution leads to eugenics...just ask Hitler."

"Hitler was an atheist."

Point out that their posts sound like evangelical preachers' rants, including their tone, intensity, rhyme and measure.

"I prayed for all of you unwashed sinners today."

"What up faith-cripples!" (Best to say when entering one of their forums)

"God loves all amputees, even faith amputees such as yourselves."

"Moral relativism leads to hedonism and persecution of minorities."

"Atheists are never moral because they do not believe in God," followed up by "Morals are God-given not man-made."

"Evolution can't explain [something that has nothing to do with biology]."

Suggest that if you were down and out in Calcutta, you'd much rather see Mother Teresa than Christopher Hitchens. (It is, however, not unlikely that the atheist will agree.)

If all else fails, Goatse, pain and fifty Jesus posts never go amiss alongside with ALLAH AKBAR!!!

"If God doesn't exist, THEN WHO WAS PHONE!?"

Insist that Science is dogmatic. (Note: This will never work as most people just say that it's not dogmatic, just vast with much material to it.)

Bring up abortion and call the atheists baby killers (regardless of their actual stance).

Bring up a random topic in Quantum Mechanics, be as misleading as possible, and argue that it proves the existence of God (known as Quantum Wankery).

The way Christians get all of their arguments from the Bible, atheists get all of their arguments from The God Delusion. So saying something along the lines of "Maybe if you formed your own opinions once in a while, instead of parroting everything Dawkins spits out of his sinful mouth, you could truly see the glory of God!" is always worth a good try.

Atheists do not really hate religion just christfags. Tell them you are a Buddhist,Hindu or Scientologist and agree with Everything they say and keep bringing up you are a part of whatever religion you said you were. If they start to attack your religion agree with them via this copy pasta "Yes I see how that could be, the teachings of _______ taught me to be very open minded and i think you are right but i am still a firm believer in _______". When they find a person they can't argue with they reach the next level of fucking nuts. sit back and notice the amount of lulz that come of it.

Tell them to take the Atheist Challenge. As the atheist does not believe in anything science cannot prove, the atheist must talk to his girlfriend/wife and tell her that love is a very unscientific thing and is a christian belief. He must also explain to her that love is only a physical attraction and a bi-product of bio-chemical reactions in his brain. After doing that ha has to get sex from her and that is the challenge. Please note: rape counts