The Governator
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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| —AHNOLD |
Arnold Schwarzenegger, der Fuehrer of California, is a brilliant, sensitive man, famous for his gentle dulcet voice, his mastery of English, and the subtle sophistication of his humor. Being one of the first nationally recognized homo-erotic movie stars in America, faggots all over the nation have envied his pectoral superiority due to the fact that they look like female boobies.
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Early Life
Born Arnold Erzherzog von Habsburg-Lothringen, eldest son of the Emperor of Austria, 'Arnie', as he never allowed anyone to call him, was a weak and scrawny child, constantly being bullied by his younger sister Ann Coulter. His father, Otto The Insane, embarrassed by his total noob of a son, hired an elite team of American niggers to beat some street-smarts into Arnold. Unfortunately, the niggers proceeded to rob poor Arnold of his anal virginity. Incensed, Maximilian had them flayed alive, and then had their huge nigger muscle implanted into his sons body. In recognition of this, his name was changed to Schwarzenegger, a humorous Austrian pun meaning 'White Nigger'.
Arnold The Stud
During the late 1960's, the Austrian government - a sock puppet of the Soviet Union at the time -used pictures of Arnold as part of a propaganda campaign to extoll the superiority of Communism. However, these photos were stolen by Capitalist publishers and used for advertising campaigns for body building products, and for special magazines that allowed fags to ejaculate without touching themselves. The failure of the propaganda campaign caused major shakeups in the Austrian government in 1968, and Arnold was able to sneak out of the country on a fishing trawler, where he lived on raw fish and seaweed until reaching New York City 9 months later. After beating the shit out of Joe Weider over the use of his image, he was paid a settlement in enough Joe Weider weight bars that he could sell on the street corners to raise enough money to buy a ticket to Hollywood.
Arnold The Actor
Arnold apparently did some brilliant acting work after he left Austria. His most famous role was as a huge, silent robot with no emotions and a poor grasp of English.This demanding role was performed with Arnold's usual subtlety and quick wit, and is widely agreed to be the finest performance by any living Thespian. He made many more films, but nobody can remember anything about them.
Arnold in Japan
Arnold is big in Japan, and not just because he is four times the height of an average Japanese male. He makes more money than you by whoring himself to promote Japanese drinks made of toxic waste, and invite the Japanese citizens to lose their money on playing amoral games.
Surprisingly, neither Arnold's anus, nor penis have yet been cast in latex and sold in any Japanese store, which, in Japan, makes him pretty unique for a celebrity. However, like everyone and everything else in Japan, Arnold is an officially recognized sexual fetish.
After this commercial had aired, Arnold was elected the Emperor of Japan, a position which he turned down to play in "Jingle All the Way" instead.
Political Career
Flushed with his success as an actor, Arnold took the next logical step and went on to become ruler of the known universe. The first step towards his goal of ultimate power was to become a member of the previous ruling family, the dynasty known as the Kennedy clan. Following the demise of the three Emperors - Sky King Joe, PT Captain Jack, and Bobby, the Scourge of the Mafia - the clan was in complete disarray under the leadership of Teddy the Perverted Drunk, and was ripe for the conquest. Assuming the Sword of Crom once again, Arnold broke through the walls of the Kennedy Castlemare, and took the only undefiled princess left in the Kennedy clan - Maria Schriver - for his mate. However, it should be noted that consider the size disparity between Arnold's hips and the space between Maria's inner thighs, many theorize that they have never mated, as she would be permanently rendered bowlegged and/or flatassed from any of the standard sexual positions.
Since assuming the throne of the Kennedy clan, Arnold has since proven himself a wise and benevolent leader, who almost never says or does incredibly inappropriate things. He has also undergone surgery to increase his lifespan by having his cold, Austrian heart replaced with a spare T-800 hydrogen fuel cell from his days as a killer cyborg from the future. Note that this power source has caused his waste products to become hazardous waste, and California fire marshals are investigating reports that the October 2007 wildfires started shortly after Arnold relieved himself in the woods during a hike in search of hippies to behead with the Sword of Crom.
Later in his political career he built Skynet, a computer hopefully eliminating all Conservatives, Fascists, Nazis, and anyone who disagrees with Arnie. His first idea was to make Skynet a robot in da skies, but it didn't work out too well. So then, he made the T-1, which worked perfectly. Some Argue that he did it for the lulz, but Conservatives say that he did it because the Terrorists Told him so.
Arnold's Epic Troll
On October 7th 2009 Ahnold decided to troll a dinner hosted by the Democrats. One Democrat (and faggot), Tom Ammiano, got especially butthurt, calling the Govenator a liar, and topping it all off by suggesting that Shwartznegger "kiss my gay ass." The Govenator, realizing his troll was sucessful, trolled Ammiano even harder by sending him a letter with the message 'Fuck You' in the first letter of every line. Much butthurt, rage, lulz, and media attention ensued (See here, and here for example.). When asked, the Govenator replied that it was merely a coincidence. Later that day he was overheard talking to his wife, telling her that he did it for teh lulz.
Arnold vs Planet Earth
After many years of beating teh fuck out of the environment, Arnold has single-handedly saved Mother Earth by driving a Humvee powered by hydrogen. He has also initiated the shockingly un-American policy of reducing pollution from cars. These criminal acts reveal Arnold for what he is: An Tyrant.
At one point, he encountered John Striker - famed rapist from Mexico. John was thoroughly PWN'D and his imitation Terminator cosplay was stolen, leaving Striker naked. John never forgot this day. lolz.
Political Views
Arnold is widely praised for his forward-looking political views, particularly his admiration for Adolf Hitler, his pride on his father's role in the SS, and his modest desire to be a Dictator. He is seriously quoted as saying Richard Nixon is his role-model as a politician.
Metahuman Abilities
Although all of his Metahuman abilities have yet to be cataloged, Arnold Schwarzenegger has demonstrated many fabulous powers above those of mortal men *and* women. As of this writing, Arnold can:
- Crush infants with his breasts.
- Possesses a long prehensile tongue which shoots out to catch insects in the air.
- Eats emos and sucks the black marrow from their bones.
- Can watch MeatSpin for 39090183 rounds.
- Can shit in the woods better than the Pope.
- Can buttfuck you with his nipple and kill you.
- Can beat up 42 mortal men at once with his bare hands, he's so fucking strong.
- Can kill crowds of homeless bums with a single fart.
- Can lift a sexual partner three feet off the ground with his penis during anal sex.
- Can maintain an erection indefinitely.
- Can produce a piss stream ~21' parallel to the ground before gravity can cause the stream to curve downward.
- Can write his name in concrete with his piss stream.
- Can strangle a lion with his massive penis.
- Produces sperm that can fly through the air, penetrate clothing *and* brick, and impregnate a woman from fifty feet away.
Notable Quotes
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See Also
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