Abbie Hawkins
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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Abbie Hawkins is the name of a 19-year-old girl who had her fifteen minutes of fame by whoring out her story to the newspapers in the land where people drink tea, watch the BBC and read Uncyclopedia called England, that Americunts not only have the right to laugh at for its failure but also a moral obligation to. At the height of the Summer of Lulz 2008, the old media made note that she woke up one morning, went to work as a receptionist (being her life career choice as she never got the grades to go into college), and about halfway through the day, a "small furry creature" (as the Daily Fail put it) known as a bat flew out from between her big, huge 34FF-cup tits, the mention of which makes the author of this article want to fap. That's right. (Actually, the bat didn't fly out. It just nestled there, snugly, until she found it because she thought it was her mobile phone, but nobody cares.)
Being the sexy, huge titted chavette that she is, she saw this as her opportunity to make big bucks by letting the world know all about it. In the sparse information she gave, she let the world know that she felt guilt at taking the bat out of its nest between her tits, after which it promptly proceeded to GTFO, but by being blind like all bats are, it failed, and had to be released by one of her male colleagues into the wild, after which it died a happy death. Since Abbie admitted that she'd been drinking the night before (because we all know that working as a hotel receptionist with a hangover is easy to do for women because they have little intelligence even when sober) and didn't even fucking notice the bat, she is pretty much fully responsible for its death, and profited from it, leading to many facepalms from PETA. Other animal welfare officers said that this was an unprecedented phenomenon and was the first time bats and tits have evar been thought about at the same time.
In an effort to thoroughly cover this phenom, the papers in due course dredged up one Anna Buchan, 19, who discovered a 2-inch pipistrelle bat in her trousers as she was heading to work. It apparently had flown in the night before, when the pants were hanging. However, as Ms. Buchan doesn't sport a hueg rack, nobody gave a shit and went back to drinking and watching soccer.
Abbie's story was one that really did make a good attempt at whetting the insatiable appetite for bullshit stories that people have in the developed world, whereas although the Large Hadron Collider presents a threat to humanity that even Captain Picard would be scared of in the very near future as of the time of writing, anything about that is TL;DR and beyond the comprehension of the target audience. Also, unless Abbie does something else notable, she'll never get her place in Wikipedia, due to BLP and the faggotry surrounding not including such interesting pieces of human knowledge because deletionists would be certain not to want a single mention of her in their encyclopedia - just try it. Encyclopedia Dramatica's verdict? Take note of this one for Public Information Research, Mr. Brandt, so you can add it to your collection of news clippings that you've been gathering since the '60s and tell it to the FBI, because if you can hide a bat between a pair of tits, you can hide a bomb beside your penis if you're wearing tight underpants or Speedo swimwear like the faggot that you are.
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 A target-rich environment for Dongcopter attacks. |
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Abbie Hawkins is part of a series on bad things happening to animals. |
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Categories: People | Stub
